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The Item (1999)

R  |   |  Action, Horror  |  28 January 1999 (USA)
3.5
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Ratings: 3.5/10 from 670 users  
Reviews: 71 user | 19 critic

Four felons are contacted by an anonymous client via the internet. They are instructed to go to a remote desert island and pick up an "item" and keep it safe for 24 hours. It will then be ... See full summary »

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Title: The Item (1999)

The Item (1999) on IMDb 3.5/10

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Cast

Complete credited cast:
...
Lauren (as DawnMarie Velasquez)
Dan Clark ...
Alex
...
Martin
Dan Lake ...
Fatty
...
Dr. Ody
Romy J. Sharf ...
Nurse Nicky
...
Rita
Kyle B. Cunningham ...
Joseph
Steven K. Mok ...
Drag Queen #1
Peter Sean Maloney ...
Robin (as Peter Sean)
Paul Balagot ...
Drag Queen #2
Alexandre Pierre ...
Drag Queen #3
Alden Bunyan ...
Paulie
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Storyline

Four felons are contacted by an anonymous client via the internet. They are instructed to go to a remote desert island and pick up an "item" and keep it safe for 24 hours. It will then be picked up and they will be paid. However, upon getting it back to their apartment, their curiosity gets the better of them and they decide to investigate their package. They discover that they have a telepathic worm connected to a life support system. The film then disintegrates into a slasher film as one by one the protectors are killed in grisly fashion. Written by John Sacksteder <jsack@jka.net>

Plot Summary | Add Synopsis

Plot Keywords:

desert | package | worm | apartment | death | See All (27) »

Taglines:

Something is dying to get out. See more »

Genres:

Action | Horror

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated R for strong violence/gore, sexuality, some language and drug content

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Release Date:

28 January 1999 (USA)  »

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Referenced in Dead Man's Dream (2002) See more »

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User Reviews

 
Quite possibly the worst movie ever made.
30 December 2001 | by (Montreal, Canada) – See all my reviews

The experience of watching this movie is akin to watching a train wreck and loathing yourself for the indulgence afterward.

There's virtually nothing redeeming that I can say about this exercise in cinematic excrement.

Correction, there IS one. While perhaps not the worst movie ever made - so long as Battlefield Earth is still in circulation - this movie is DEFINITELY the worst digital-video-transferred-to-film flick yet to come down the pipe (notice the sewer analogy there).

Simply put, the film is a mess. It reeks of pretentiousness, is chock full of bad acting (and after watching it I really don't know or care if the acting was intentionally bad or just naturally so), terrible writing and a completely lame and pointless plot.

The real villains of this film are Artisan, the same company that brought the Blair Witch Project to cinema screens.

These jokers have pulled every lie and deceptive marketing trick in the book in packaging this travesty.

To begin, there's the box cover art, followed by the plot outline on the back. Taken together one is led to believe that the film is a grade B thriller with an interesting story premise.

WRONG!

If only it were that. Instead of a simple yet crackerjack story about four people who act as go-betweens in the purchase of a strange creature locked in a box, we are treated to gobbledygook that involves copious and ludicrous gunplay, a battle to the death with ninja transvestites, and a creature that looks like a modified Doc Johnson sex toy that psychoanalyses its victims to death.

There is only one way to get anything remotely resembling payback on your rental investment, not to mention the 90 minutes of your life that it will end up wasting, and that is to watch it with some friends where you can mock the thing to scorn. Just make sure there aren't any bricks handy as someone might very well be tempted to lob one at the TV fairly early on.


9 of 12 people found this review helpful.  Was this review helpful to you?

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