Buffy Gilmore: Don't worry, Cindy! We'll pretend this never happened. You know, like the time we got drunk and went down on each other!
Cindy Campbell: I thought you loved me.
Bobby: Oh, I did, baby, I did. But being in abstinence makes you wonder new things about yourself. That's right Cindy, I'm gay. And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray.
Ray: What? I ain't gay!
Bobby: What are you talking about? You took me to that club.
Ray: So? They play good music.
Bobby: What about our trip to San Francisco?
Ray: I wanted to go shopping.
Bobby: [on the verge of tears] But... you made love to me.
Ray: First of all, you sucked my...
[after hitting a fisherman crossing the road]
Cindy Campbell: We have to call the police!
Ray: No way! I ain't going to jail!
Greg: He's right! Cindy, do you know what they do to young boys in prison? All of those sex-starved convicts just waiting for a fresh piece of meat?
Ray: Hey, Cindy's right. Maybe we should call the police.
Brenda: Shorty, what are you doing driving? I know you ain't got no papers.
Shorty: I got papers, blunts, blongs, blokes, anything to make a high nigga pie!
Deputy Doofy: Mom said that when I wear this badge you're supposed to treat me like a man of the law.
Buffy Gilmore: Yeah, and Mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner!
[the killer attacks Heather, while Gail watches, recording]
Heather: Gail, help me!
Gail Hailstorm: Sorry, kid, but it's sweeps!
Cindy Campbell: Look, if it's about that time I puked green slime and masturbated with a crucifix, it was my first keg party, Bobby!
Buffy Gilmore: Oh, look at me! I'm all dead!
Buffy Gilmore: Oh, is this the climax? Well, I hope you don't mind if I fake it!
Miss Mann: Come in, dear. Have a seat. Take off your bra if you like.
Homeless Man: You got a dollar?
Buffy Gilmore: Get away from me, you bum.
Cindy Campbell: Buffy, can't you see he's hungry? Here you go, sir, a nice sandwich.
Homeless Man: I said a dollar, bitch.
Cindy Campbell: Ray, if you see Bobby, will you tell him that I love him?
Ray: Okay, if I see Bobby, I'll tell him I love him.
Black TV Reporter: We're here reporting live for "Black T.V.", white folks are dead so we gettin' the fuck out of here.
[the "Black T.V." news crew jump into their van and are driven away at high speed]
Buffy Gilmore: Hey do you think the press is gonna wanna talk to us?
Brenda: Oh please. The press only wanna interview the most ignorant person they find.
Shorty: [Cut to Gail Haistorm interviewing Shorty about Drew Decker's death]
Shorty: I'm on T.V. Oh shit, first "Cops" now this. I'm gonna be a star, son.
Gail Hailstorm: So how close were you to the victim?
Shorty: Oh real close. Right 'til the roofies wore and she woke up. Then she was all talkin' 'bout pressing charges so I just pulled my tongue outta her ass and left.
Gail Hailstorm: If you could have spoken to her before she died what would your last words to her have been?
Shorty: Run bitch, run!
Gail Hailstorm: Is that drool?
Deputy Doofy: Yeah, I forgot to swallow.
Gail Hailstorm: Don't worry, because I never forget.
Gail Hailstorm: Isn't Cindy Campbell's father a suspect?
Sheriff: That is classified information, where did you get this?
Gail Hailstorm: Sorry, but my information is strictly confidential shit.
[Doofy steps out]
Deputy Doofy: Hi Gail... Gail swallows.
Shorty: Theres blood, guts and asses everywhere, someone's gone all crazy, son!
Bobby: We all go a little crazy sometimes.
[Bobby shoots Shorty in the chest]
Cindy Campbell: Bobby, no!
Shorty: [Lying on the ground] Oh, Cindy he got me in the lung.
[Smoke is coming out of the wound]
Shorty: Wanna hit this shit?
Ray: [dressing Brenda up in football clothes] Get your little sexy ass over here...
[Brenda jumps in to the bed]
Ray: Take it Brendan, take it Brendan...
Ray: Uhh... Brenda!
[after Miss Mann's "secret" is apparent to Cindy]
Miss Mann: Sometimes we do things we're not so proud of. Some for money, others to gain the athletic edge on the competition. Sometimes those secrets come back to haunt us. Do you know what I mean?
Cindy Campbell: Yes I do, uh, Miss Mann. Thanks for ball - I mean all your help. I have to go to class.
Miss Mann: Anytime dear.
Deputy Doofy: I go poopie.
Sheriff: Did you just say you went "poopie"?
Deputy Doofy: Yeah, it was good.
Deputy Doofy: I said, don't disturb me when I'm cleaning my room!
Sheriff: How are you today Cindy?
Cindy Campbell: Good, officer, how are you?
Sheriff: Bloated, constipated, got a boil on my ass the size of a walnut - you know, the usual.
Gail Hailstorm: You don't get it? Well here's what you will get. (Hold up 1 finger)This little piggy went to the market (Hold up middle finger) This little piggy stayed home (points at cameraman) And if this fat little piggy doesn't role the goddamn camera (camera clicks on) - Gail Hailstorm!
Gail Hailstorm: Cindy, Cindy your ass looks fat!
[Cindy slaps Gail Hailstorm]
Gail Hailstorm: Kenny, I know you're probably crappin' in a bag right now, but when I say 'quick', I want you to interpret that to mean 'move your plasma packin', I.V. draggin', bed-sore havin' fat ass... NOW!
The Killer: What's your favorite scary movie?
Drew Decker: Kazaam! You know, the one where Shaq plays a genie.
The Killer: That's not a horror movie.
Drew Decker: Yeah, well, you've never seen Shaq act.
Deputy Doofy: Special Officer Doofy reporting!
Policeman #1: Hey, Doofy! Smell my fingers!
Deputy Doofy: What's that?
Policeman #1: That's when you know you've become a man, Doofy.
Deputy Doofy: Hey, Terry! Smell my fingers!
Policeman #1: What the hell is that?
Deputy Doofy: My ass!
The Killer: [on the phone] What's was that noise?
Drew Decker: Oops, I farted. I didn't think you'd hear me.
The Killer: No... that popping noise...
[the guys picking up the dead guy's body]
Greg: I'll grab one arm.
Bobby: I'll grab the other arm.
Ray: I'll grab his ass.
Cindy's Dad: I thought I heard screaming in here!
Cindy Campbell: No, no daddy.
Cindy's Dad: No, Maybe it could have been the crack I smoked earlier.
The Killer: [rapping] I'm gonna slash and gash, cut another hole in your ass. I spill blood on the walls, then play tennis with your balls. If the phone rings, don't answer the call. Gonna slit your throat, fuck you like a goat, peel your foreskin off and make a winter coat. Peace!
[camera pulls back to reveal all of Shorty's friends dead]
Shorty: Yo! That was the illest rhyme I ever seen!
Drew Decker: [on the phone with killer] Look, my boyfriend will be here soon. He's black and he'll kick your ass!
The Killer: You mean the one who wears makeup and dresses like a woman?
Drew Decker: How did you know?
The Killer: Turn The Porch Lights On
Drew Decker: [Turns On The Lights On, To See A Male Tied Up, Screaming] That's Not My Boyfriend, I Mean I Fucked Him A Couple Of Times But That's It.
Drew Decker: [Male Shreaks Loudly] Look I'm Calling The Cops!
The Killer: Go Ahead, Call The Cops. But You Might Wanna Check The Back Door First, You Forgot To Lock It.
The Killer: [reading pornography magazine] Nice breasts...
Drew Decker: What do you want?
The Killer: I wanna see what your insides look like.
Drew Decker: Then turn to page 54.
Gail Hailstorm: What can you tell us about the victim?
Shorty: Well, she had a phat ass! It was like BANG!
Shorty: Yo, man. It's like I seen all this shit before.
Cindy Campbell: They had a killer at you high school, Shorty?
Shorty: No, it was in that movie- Scream. Same dialogue everything. That shit is ill!
Bobby: You hear? Drew got killed last night.
Ray: Wait, she had a brother right, Steve?
Ray: Yeah? Long hair, pretty little mouth, perfect ass?
Bobby: Yep, that was her.
Ray: Nah, I'm talking about Steve. Whatever happened to him?
Brenda: [Sucking the sauce off her fingers and screaming at the screen] Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Don't go in there!
[screams, scaring everyone in the theater]
Brenda: Woah-ho-ho-ho! Lord! I'mma have a heart attack! Oh, this is some scury shit! Hah! Oh I am scared! Oh-ho-ho!
Old Man: [annoyed] Excuse me?
Brenda: Uh ha... I think I paid my money like er'ybody else up in here!
[Watching the movie]
Brenda: That ain't no man! You can see her real hair right there!
Young Lady: [turning around] Do you mind?
Brenda: [sticking out her hand to the women's face] I know you better get outta my face! Outta my face! Outta my face! This is all me up in here! You handle 'dat!
Young Man: [shouting] Will you shut the fuck up!
Brenda: [takes out a camera] Um-umm! This movie is good!
[the Killer sits next to her, but she thinks it's Ray]
Brenda: Hey baby, you back just in tiiiime! She's about to get in on with Shake-a-speare! He found out she's a girl.
Young Man: Shut UP!
Brenda: [turns around with the camera pointing at the young man behind her] Yeah I got you! I got you on camera! You on candid camera now! You ain't know 'dat!
Brenda: [her cell phones rings and everyone groans as they know what is going to happen] Hello? Hey girl! Ah, I'm in the movies! Uh-huh, yeah Shake-a-speare in love! Ohh-ohh! You lying! You lying!
Young Man: For Christ's sake, will you just shut your trap!
Young Lady: Shut up!
Brenda: [to her friend on the phone] Hold on...
[to the audience of the movie theater]
Brenda: I don't know why ya'll is acting like this! My girlfriend already saw the movie and she says they don't even stay together in the end!
Cindy Campbell: Someone murdered my friends!
Cindy's Dad: Yeah! And the sick bastard planted drugs all over the house!
Cindy Campbell: Greg, you're not the only one who got one.
Greg: What do you mean, Bobby's got a baby-dick too?
Cindy Campbell: No, the note.
Cindy Campbell: You guys are psychos! You've watched too many TV shows!
Ray: No! Watching TV shows doesn't create psycho killers. Canceling TV shows does!
[while stabbing Bobby]
Ray: I mean the Wayans Brothers was a good show, man! It was a good show, but we've never even got a final episode!
Gail Hailstorm: I'm going to try and get a glimpse of Cindy Campbell, the young girl who was attacked earlier this evening... You're on my foot, fat shit!
Cameraman Kenny: Sorry, G...
Gail Hailstorm: What did I say?
Cameraman Kenny: Don't ever step on Gail's shoes.
Gail Hailstorm: Why not?
Cameraman Kenny: Because Gail wears Prada shoes.
Gail Hailstorm: You idiot.
Cameraman Kenny: I'm a bad man.
Brenda: Shorty, Why You Have To Be So Loud! And Make Sure You Take Your Behind To Class This Time
Shorty: I Do Be Going To Class.
Brenda: Lunch Is Not A Class, Shorty.
Shorty: It Is It You Got The Munchies!
Brenda: You A Dumbass.
Shorty: Your Mother.
Brenda: You My Brother, That Makes Her Your Mother Too, Jackass!
Shorty: Oh, Well Then Your Father's Stupid.
Brenda: So, I Don't Know Him.
Shorty: Yeah, Me Ether.
Dawson Leery: [starts to climb through a window] Whoops! Wrong set!
Miss Mann: The police have asked us to give you the following safety tips: Stay in well lit areas, never travel alone whenever possible, ALWAYS wipe front to back, and remember, never EVER believe someone when they tell you that shaving your pubic hair will rid you of crab infestation.
Beauty Pageant MC: [singing] Here she is. Miss Teen, she's so fine. Such lovely tits...
[Buffy rips the crown and flowers out of the previous winner's hands]
Buffy Gilmore: Give me my crown, bitch.
Beauty Pageant MC: [singing] ... and a great behind. There she is, doggy style anytime. And I'll do her behind behind and behind. Oh, there she is. She loves 69...
[a woman hurls a vase of flowers at Buffy, knocking her offstage]
[a rabbi stabs Brenda with a knife]
Rabbi: You ruined Schindler's List!
[the Dalai Lama slashes her with a sword]
The Dalai Lama: Jackie Chan movies!
[Mother Theresa beats her with a loaf of bread]
Mother Theresa: Boogie Nights!
[the Pope stabs her with a giant scythe]
The Pope: And Big Momma's House!
The Killer: Do you know where I am?
[Feet are sticking out from behind couch, and are kicking up and down]
Cindy Campbell: Um, you're behind the couch, I can see your feet.
The Killer: [Killer sticks head up and sees his feet. He grabs his head] D'oh!
The Killer: Okay,okay close your eyes!
[Cindy closes her eyes, and the killer tries to hide under the carpet, but then goes behind the curtains]
The Killer: Now do you know where I am?
[Cindy opens her eyes]
Ray: [displaying a yellow sleeveless shirt] Does this shirt make me look gay?
Greg: Naw, man.
Ray: [tucks the bottom of the shirt over so it looks like a bra] How 'bout now?
Teacher: It's days like today that we need prayer in schools. It starts to unravel the very moral fabric of our society.
[coos at her baby]
Teacher: i'm just going to give you to your daddy
[passes baby to student on the first row. turns to another student]
Teacher: I will see *you* after class.
Gail Hailstorm: Chubzilla! Listen up!
Cindy's Dad: Oh you are my little girl, I love you so much that I left you a little something in the coffee can. But you have to remember to step on it before you sell it. Now, what are you going to cut it with?
Cindy Campbell: Um... baking...
Cindy's Dad: Baking soda. Not baking powder. Because baking powder guys will have muffins growing out of their noses.
Cindy's Dad: You love that joke, honey. You've loved it since you were two years old.
The Killer: [after stumbling around, letting his victim escape] I gotta stop drinking.
Bobby: That's very, uh, seventies of you.
Gail Hailstorm: [TV version] Cindy! Cindy! Your butt looks FAT!
Gail Hailstorm: I'm Gail Hailstorm, author of "You're Dead, I'm Rich".
Cindy Campbell: Why are you doing this?
Bobby: Why? Why? You hear that, Ray. I think she wants a motive.
Bobby: Did Scream have a plot?
Bobby: Did I Know What You Did Last Summer make any sense? Don't think so. And what about the sequel? What the hell was with that fat, white Jamaican kid?
Ray: Oh, I want to kill that motherfucker.
Cindy Campbell: It was bad casting, Bobby.
Gail Hailstorm: [while running away from the killer] Kenny! Move your fatass!
Cindy Campbell: What's wrong? Bobby, she's gone and she's not coming back.
Bobby: It's been over a year now Cindy!
Cindy Campbell: But Ginger was such an important part of the Spice Girls
Cindy Campbell: [before pushing a dead fisherman in the water] Don't you think we should check his wallet first?
Buffy Gilmore: For what?
Brenda: Shit, he might have some money.
Brenda: Well, we already committed murder, we might as well rob his ass.