Bad Boys II (2003)
Mike Lowery: [reading the phrase from their high school year book] We ride together, we die together. Bad boys for life.
Mike Lowery: [while standing next to each other in front of Captain Howard's door at night, pointing a flashlight at Marcus' eyes] What are you on? Look at your pupils.
Marcus Burnett: Look at my pupils? How the hell am I gonna look at my pupils?
[tries to cross his eyes]
Marcus Burnett: [while being videotaped by a connection to all the televisions in the store, all the customers in the electronic store can see them] My ass stills hurts from what you did to it the other night.
Mike Lowery: Hey, it got rough. We got caught up in the moment, shit got crazy. You know how I get.
Marcus Burnett: When you popped me from behind I think you damaged some nerves.
Heavy Black Woman: [Screaming at store manager] You got porno and homo shows up in here in front of my babies? What kind of freak-ass store is this?
Heavy Black Woman: [to Mike and Marcus as they walk by] Hmm, and you two muthafuckas need Jesus.
Marcus Burnett: [while Reggie stands at the front door of the house] Have my daughter back by 10:01. If she's not back by 10:01 I'm in the car, locked, loaded and hunting your motherfucking ass down.
Mike Lowery: And I'ma be with him.
Mike Lowery: You know what it gonna be if I'm there, gonna be Chitty Chitty Bang Bang nigga.
Marcus Burnett: [while Reggie stands at the front door of the house] You a virgin?
Reggie: Yes, sir.
Marcus Burnett: Good. Keep it that way. Ain't gonna be no fucking tonight.
Mike Lowery: You ever made love to a man?
Mike Lowery: You want to?
Marcus Burnett: [on seeing a rat for the first time, in the attic] Oh, shit. These ain't normal rats.
Mike Lowery: What my partner means is that these are a special breed called, umm...
Marcus Burnett: Big motherfuckers.
[to his sister, a Miami DEA agent]
Marcus Burnett: That was reckless, that was stupid, and that was dangerous.
Marcus Burnett: I'm telling Mommy.
Mike Lowery: [while walking slowly among the landmines in sand at the entrance to Guantanamo Bay] Now *that's* how you supposed to shoot! From now on, that's how you shoot! Oh man, I want my next partner to shoot like that. WOOOOO... it takes a dysfunctional motherfucker to bust somebody in the head like that. That's some dysfunctional shit! My next partner's gonna invite me to his barbeques and shit, though.
Mike Lowery: [pretending to be drunk] Nigga, who is it at the door?
Marcus Burnett: [while Reggie stands at the front door of the house] It's Reggie!
Mike Lowery: Who the fuck is Reggie?
Marcus Burnett: Came to take Megan out.
Mike Lowery: [to Reggie] What you want, nigga?
Reggie: I'm here... to take his daughter out.
Mike Lowery: Motherfucker, I heard the boy say your name Reggie? You wanna be takin' Megan out?
Reggie: Yes, sire?
Mike Lowery: How old is you?
Mike Lowery: Shit, nigga. You at least thirty.
Floyd Poteet: [during a KKK rally] We've got our rights.
Mike Lowery: Why don't you exercise your right to shut the fuck up?
Klan Leader: WHITE POWER!
Klansman: WHITE POWER!
[Two of the guys in hoods whip them off, revealing Mike and Marcus, pointing guns at the Klan]
Mike Lowery: Blue power, motherfuckers! Miami PD!
Marcus Burnett: Aw, damn! It's the niggras!
Capt. Howard: I've got a Police Commissioner so far up my ass, if he spits it's coming out of my mouth.
Marcus Burnett: [slams the front doors open] Who the FUCK are you?
Reggie: I'm Reggie, Mr. Burnett
Marcus Burnett: How old are you?
Reggie: I'm fifteen, Mr. Burnett
Marcus Burnett: Motherfucker, you look thirty.
Blond Dread: Who that? Who in MY HOUSE?
Mike Lowery: I'm the Devil! Who's asking?
Blond Dread: The Devil... is not welcome... HEEEEEERRE!
Mike Lowery: [to Marcus, during car chase against Tapia's men] You know, Dan Marino should definitely buy this car. Well, not this one, 'cause I'm gonna fuck this one up. But he should definitely get one like it.
Marcus Burnett: [over the radio] Mike! There's a papa rat humping the shit out of this mama rat. No, he's straight pile-driving her!
Mike Lowery: Now how is that information gonna help me do my job?
Marcus Burnett: They fuck just like us!
[staring into the captain's fishbowl after ingesting X]
Marcus Burnett: This is a nice fish. Big fuckin' eyes, but a nice fuckin' fish.
Marcus Burnett: Mike, the man has a gun to my head!
Mike Lowery: [pointing his gun at Casper] I bet he'll put it down if I put a hollow point in his eye, now won't he?
Casper: Your partner's a cocky nigger!
Mike Lowery: Oh damn, now was that necessary, sir? Why can't he just be a cop? He got to be a nigga too?
[after Marcus vomits in the morgue]
Mike Lowery: Come here!
Marcus Burnett: I'm... I'm back in the game.
Mike Lowery: [searching a corpse's cavity] Think I got something... feels like a bag.
[pulls it out]
Mike Lowery: Shit, naw, it's his kidney.
[Marcus runs back to the sink and retches again]
Capt. Howard: [after the morgue car chase] I can't believe you guys. Do you get up in the morning, call each other up - "Good morning, Marcus." "Good morning, Mike." "How you doin'?" "Ai'ight." "So, how are we going to fuck up the captain's life today?" "Gee, I don't know, I don't know... Ooh, look! Over there. Let's kill three fat people and leave them on the street?"
Mike Lowery: They were dead before we ran over them.
Capt. Howard: It doesn't matter if they were dead or not, goddamn it! Every time you leave a corpse on the street, I have to get these detective guys to come in and see what happened. See? They're detecting shit. Then I've gotta get these forensic coroner guys to stick 'em back in the fucking bag! Jesus Christ!
Mike Lowery: [in the backyard with Marcus' family] It ain't exactly a pool, man. It's like a big-ass puddle wrapped in blue plastic.
Marcus Burnett: [during car chase against the Haitians] You see that?
Mike Lowery: They throwin' cars! How'd I not see that?
Marcus Burnett: Hey, Mike, I'm just trying to be helpful.
Mike Lowery: Hey, you'd know what would be fuckin' helpful, Marcus? Just shut the fuck up and let me drive, let's try that!
Mike Lowery: [whispering to Syd with Marcus nearby] Change the station. More music, less Marcus. If you open the door, he'll be a black Dr. Phil for the next 40 minutes.
[Mike's way of saying I'm sorry, standing at the front door]
Mike Lowery: It's a donut. It's a medical thing. I got it from a maternity store. You know, a lot of pregnant women use it. They can put one cheek here and take the pressure off the other. For you, dawg.
Marcus Burnett: Thoughtful.
Capt. Howard: [reading the damage report from the car chase against the Haitians with Mike and Marcus present] 22 cars and a boat, totalled? How did hell you sink a boat?
Mike Lowery: [while being videotaped by a connection to all the televisions in the store, all the customers in the electronic store can see them] Okay, look, we're a partnership, but we're a partnership with boundaries. We got a new rule. From now on, you can't say the word "flaccid" to me. This is our little "boundary box." We're gonna take the word "flaccid" and put it in there with my mom's titties, and your erection problem, and we gonna close this box and we gonna throw this bitch in the ocean. And the only way that you can get to this box is you gotta be motherfuckin' Jacques Cousteau.
Mike Lowery: [a car flies over, nearly colliding with Mike's Ferrari] WHOOOOO, THAT one puckered up my butt-hole!
Mike Lowery: [in a stand off, while inside the Haitian house] A bullet in the head will really mess up your extensions!
[while driving across Tapia's estate in a stolen Humvee, being shot at by the Cuban Army]
Mike Lowery: Man, Plan B does not have that big-ass gun in it!
Marcus Burnett: You call this Plan B? What does Plan B stand for? Bullshit!
Mike Lowery: Look, do you want to drive?
Marcus Burnett: Yeah, pull over by those motherfuckers with the MACHINE GUN!
Mike Lowery: [on hearing the repair bill for his Ferrari] TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND? Oh, kiss my black ass...!
Mike Lowery: it was the dashboard!
Marcus Burnett: [while ingested with ecstasy, Marcus is wearing Captain Howard's robe walking downstairs talking on the phone, In Howard's home] I love it when you call me bunny lobe.
Mike Lowery: SHIT!
Marcus Burnett: Yeah girl, you should see this sexy shit I got on.
Capt. Howard: Who the hell are you talking to?
Marcus Burnett: Vargas and Rub... Reyes. They said they down for whatever.
Marcus Burnett: [about Mike, after the shooting at the KKK rally] Motherfucker shot me in the ass, man.
Mike Lowery: Who shot you in the ass?
Marcus Burnett: Who? That "who" would be you.
Mike Lowery: Me? I shot you? I mean, I was shooting. I did at lot of shooting. But I'm not saying I shot you in the ass... but I'm not saying I didn't shoot you...
Mike Lowery: But damn! Somebody shot you in the ass!
Marcus Burnett: Tell me about it.
Marcus Burnett: [referring to the loose swimming pool ladder] Get my screwdriver! Damn bolts.
Theresa: Don't mind him. He's just upset because he was injured.
Syd: Is he okay?
Theresa: His wound is fine. It's, um... *other things* that were affected.
Syd: Oh... oh!
Marcus Burnett: [looks up at her] Theresa!
Marcus Burnett: [to Syd] It's just nerve damage.
Marcus Burnett: You not gonna spoil this... I'll talk to you about it.
Mike Lowery: [while driving] All right, everybody start shooting at somebody! Shoot! Shoot!
[everyone does, then]
Marcus Burnett: Shit, I'm out!
Mike Lowery: [checks his pistol] I got two rounds left.
Marcus Burnett: [checks his pistol] One in the chamber.
Syd: [checks her pistol] I'm out.
Mike Lowery: All these guns in here, and don't none of y'all got no bullets?
Tito Vargas: I got one, in my hip!
Syd: Oh God, he's hit!
Marcus Burnett: I think we just broke the record for the number of gun fights in one week.
Marcus Burnett: You're like a pitbull with that pink thing hanging out.
Mike Lowery: oh I get it, I'm not good enough for your sister
Marcus Burnett: [while being videotaped by a connection to all the televisions in the store, all the customers in the electronic store can see them] Mike, I can't even get an erection. I tried taking Viagra. Popped one, popped two. I've been eating them like Skittles.
Marcus Burnett: [driving with Mike down a hill, through cocaine-processing shacks, in a stolen Humvee] Is this still plan B?
Mike Lowery: Naw, this is definitely plan C!
Capt. Howard: You guys are like a couple of blood sucking ticks, draining the life's blood out of this department... Woosaa!
Marcus Burnett: Damn the woosaa captain, did you just call me a tick?
Capt. Howard: [motioning to Mike] I was referring to him.
[after Mike and Marcus's latest massive gunfight/car chase,in Captain Howard's office ]
Capt. Howard: [trying to stay calm] So, you got the drugs.
[they shake their heads]
Capt. Howard: No drugs. Oh, okay. What about the money?
[they shake theirs heads]
Capt. Howard: No money. Well then, who's this x-man?
Marcus Burnett: Captain, I was at a family barbecue...
Mike Lowery: We don't know, but we are going to find out.
Capt. Howard: [points to the TV news] Well then, all that... was for nothing?
Mike Lowery: Oh, we didn't do *all* of that.
[while fleeing Tapia and the Cuban Army in a stolen Humvee, armed with almost-empty guns]
Mike Lowery: Hey, Marcus, you know how when we usually get in these situations, you know I'm always trying to make you feel better, like we're gonna be all right, like we're gonna make it?
Marcus Burnett: Yeah, yeah...
Mike Lowery: [while driving] I could say it, but... it'd be a bunch of bullshit today.
Mike Lowery: [while disrupting the KKK rally] You got three seconds to put your gun down, sir.
Marcus Burnett: He has emotional anger issue problems!
Mike Lowery: One...
Marcus Burnett: He goes to bed early for this shit! Just to wake up to pop one in a motherfucker!
Mike Lowery: Two...
Marcus Burnett: Mike, no...!
[a Klansman behind Mike grabs a shotgun]
Marcus Burnett: GUN!
[Mike spins and shoots the Klansmen, then shoots Casper between the eyes as Marcus ducks. Far away, the TNT team hears the gunfire]
TNT Leader: Rock and roll, let's go!
Klan Leader: Kill them cops!
Mike Lowery: [while approaching the Haitian house] Look, I'm down with your spiritual enlightenment and all that, but I need to know right now some crackhead come rollin' up behind me with a nine you gonna cook that fool.
Marcus Burnett: Of course, shoot him in the leg.
Mike Lowery: Forget that leg shit, man.
Marcus Burnett: Everybody deserves a little dignity.
Mike Lowery: What about my dignity? Your crackhead gonna be missin' a kneecap, I'm gonna be in a body bag.
Mike Lowery: Look, Captain, these were not normal corpses.
Capt. Howard: If I threw you out of moving truck and then ran over your head, you wouldn't be normal either!
Mike Lowery: [singing, having interrupted the KKK rally] Bad boys, bad boys what ya gonna do? What ya gonna do when we come for you?
[Marcus starts ad-libbing the first verse]
Mike Lowery: Dude, you gotta learn the words.
Marcus Burnett: We usually only do the chorus.
[after Mike's flashback about his therapy]
Marcus Burnett: Mike, you go to therapy to get your issues worked out, not bang your therapist.
Mike Lowery: Now you just talking nasty.
Megan Burnett: I bet you meet a lot of cute guys. Just like "Sex and the City".
Marcus Burnett: Theresa, cancel the damn cable!
Marcus Burnett: To the DEA you're nothing but a honeypot.
Syd: What did you say?
Marcus Burnett: It's no wonder you got the job because you look good in a bathing suit.
Mike Lowery: Rodney, I hear there's a boat on fire off the coast of Cuba.
Rodney: Don't you think we oughta break international waters to help them out?
Mike Lowery: [while sitting in a Black Hawk helicopter] That's my DAWG.
Mike Lowery: [while in Howard's office] We got a tip that the Zopehounders were gonna do a hit on cash or drugs from this big time X-man.
Marcus Burnett: That's what they call an ecstasy dealer on the streets.
Capt. Howard: Marcus, I know what they call them. That's why I'm Captain.
[Marcus interrogates a dead gang member, in the Haitian house]
Marcus Burnett: Hey look, man, can you tell me who was driving the black Suburban? Huh? Oh he don't know nothin'. His brains is under the end table.
[turns around to see another dead gang member]
Marcus Burnett: He can't tell us shit, Mike. He's all fucked up.
Mike Lowery: What's your point?
Marcus Burnett: My point is that dead suspects can't say shit.
[standing at the front door to a conference room, Snell and his team, and the TNT squad, want to go to Cuba with Mike and Marcus]
DEA Tony Dodd: We don't know you, but you look like you're about to do something stupid. I'm in.
TNT Fanuti: He tell you how fuckin' crazy us former Delta guys are?
Mike Lowery: [before the shooting at the KKK rally] See, that's that new spiritual shit my partner's on. Me? I actually prefer shooting motherfuckers.
Mike Lowery: [after the shooting at the KKK rally] Hey, isn't it low tide?
Marcus Burnett: Yes, I think it is.
Mike Lowery: Don't you have some relatives that you need to go pick up?
Detective Mateo Reyes: You went too far on that one.
[Johnny has just shot his cousin Roberto - upon hearing the shot, Mama rushes out to the balcony overlooking the courtyard]
Donna Maria Tapia: What happened to Roberto?
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: He just killed himself, Mama.
Donna Maria Tapia: Ai!
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: Yes, very sad.
Donna Maria Tapia: You write his mother a nice letter.
[Johnny holds up his hands, one of which is still holding the gun he shot Roberto with]
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: I'll do it.
Donna Maria Tapia: [as she walks back into the mansion] ok bye
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: [Watches his house get blown up] Oh, my God! No! God! Oh, my God!
Mike Lowery: [while disrupting the KKK rally] Just 'cause you got that gun to my partner's head, you're thinking I ain't gonna splatter your shit all over this swamp, huh?
Marcus Burnett: That's what I'm thinking!
Mike Lowery: See, what you don't understand is my partner came here tonight prepared to die.
Marcus Burnett: He... Hell, no!
[Alexei's partner is cut into pieces by Tapia's gang and brought to him in a tortilla bin and is placed on the dining table]
Alexei: With all due respect, Mr. Tapia. In my country, I see such things all the time.
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: I'm sorry for your country.
Alexei: It's got to be some Cuban stupid tradition to put him in a tortilla bin, huh?
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: Now, listen to me, you Russian punk. I, me, Johnny Tapia, will sever your head off.
Alexei: You kill me, and you'll have a shit storm.
Mike Lowery: [after a car nearly kills Mike and Marcus during the MacArthur causeway chase] Woooooooo!
Marcus Burnett: That motherfucker flipped!
Mike Lowery: That one puckered up my butthole.
Marcus Burnett: Almost fuckin' crushed my head.
Marcus Burnett: [after Mike has killed yet another lead, this time throwing him under a train] We lost the coffin and you barbequed our lead, Mike. This has got to be the worst, most emotional cop week of my life.
Capt. Howard: I've got so much brass up my ass that I can play the Star Spangled Banner.
Detective Marco Vargas: Listen, we're thinking about ordering a little bit of lunch.
Detective Mateo Reyes: Should we put you down for a bucket of extra crispy, and a couple of grape sodas?
Marcus Burnett: [mimics] 'A couple of grape sodas.'
Alexei: [while entering Tapia's mansion, attempting revenge] The Russian Grim Reaper is here.
Mike Lowery: Crash the ambulance into the mortuary now.
Detective Mateo Reyes: [over radio] No way. I'm not getting suspended again.
Mike Lowery: [over the radio, hiding inside the mortuary] I'm gonna whoop your asses if you don't crash that ambulance into the mortuary now.
Mike Lowery: [in Captain Howard's office] Captain, is it possible we can discuss potential reimbursement...
Capt. Howard: The department doesn't cover personal property, that's why we drive police cars.
Marcus Burnett: [during a gun fight] Sir, we just want to talk.
Mike Lowery: [while standing inside the Haitian house] You want to talk? All right, go ahead, go ahead.
Marcus Burnett: We're not immigration!
Mike Lowery: They can't hear you, 'cause they're still shooting at you!
Marcus Burnett: Look, Mike. Calm down!
Mike Lowery: [before the shooting at the KKK rally] Calm down? I'm calm! I'm calm... Whoaa! Whoa! I am way too unstable for that bullshit! Stop all the goddamn movement! Everybody stop moving!
Marcus Burnett: [during car chase against the Haitians] Police! Pull over! Stop the car!
Mike Lowery: Not your badge, man! He has a gun, shoot him!
[after decimating the gang with gunfire]
Mike Lowery: Now show 'em your badge!
[as Marcus starts to examine a dead body, the top of its head falls off and hits the ground. Marcus retches, stumbles to a sink, and spits up]
Mike Lowery: That's that bullshit, that I be talking about.
Marcus Burnett: Mike, the motherfuckin' head fell off!
[after Mike lifts the sheet covering the dead bimbo in the morgue]
Marcus Burnett: Mike!
Mike Lowery: What?
Marcus Burnett: Show some dignity!
Mike Lowery: I ain't doin' nothin'.
Marcus Burnett: Cover her titties up!
Mike Lowery: What-what-what am I gonna do with these, these big-ass dead titties?
Marcus Burnett: But you're *lookin'* at them.
Mike Lowery: [pointing to Marcus] There is something seriously wrong with your brain, man.
Marcus Burnett: Just cover up her titties.
[Mike walks into the room, wearing a new purple suit]
Marcus Burnett: Are you a model or a cop?
Mike Lowery: Hey, man, I like lookin' good, that's all.
Marcus Burnett: For who?
Mike Lowery: Hey man, don't hate the playa, hate the game.
Marcus Burnett: [as Mike walks away] Hate the tailor.
[Mike accidentally shot Marcus in the ass, after the shooting at the KKK rally]
Detective Mateo Reyes: Yo Mike, why don't you just give it a little kiss? You know, make it feel better?
Detective Marco Vargas: Hey, just pretend we're not even here.
Marcus Burnett: Say, isn't Ricky Martin having a concert? Get the fuck on!
Detective Mateo Reyes: You always gotta go racial, man.
Detective Marco Vargas: It's sad, man.
Carlos: It's not good, boss.
[Johnny looks in the storeroom and sees rats nesting in stacks of his cash, and eating through it]
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: Oh, my God...
[cocks his pistol and shoots at several rats]
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: Fucking ratones, eating my fucking money!
Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia: Carlos, this is a stupid fucking problem to have. But, it is a problem nonetheless.
Mike Lowery: [to Tapia, who has him at gunpoint] Look, why don't we all go home... well we'll go home, you go to a hotel, and we'll work this shit out another day cause none of us is really having a good day right now.
[during the car chase/gunfight with the Haitian gang, a stray shot smashes the headlight of Mike's Ferrari]
Mike Lowery: Ah, shit, shit! Hey, definitely shoot that motherfucker that just... aw, man, my headlight!
Mike Lowery: Vargas, abort, abort! We're not gonna make it to the tunnel! Go to Plan B! We're going to Plan B!
Marcus Burnett: What Plan B?
Mike Lowery: [pause] You don't pay attention to SHIT! That's your problem...!
[they start arguing in the middle of the gunfight]
Syd: Are you fucking shitting me? LET'S GO!
Mike Lowery: [to Marcus] Follow me, FOLLOW ME!
Detective Mateo Reyes: [in the escape tunnel] Plan B? What the hell is Plan B?