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Terror Firmer (1999) Poster

(1999)

Crazy Credits

[Some of the cast of characters are listed with their causes of death, interspersed with Tromovie Fun Facts and other stuff.] Casey (death by fire and boom pole through nether regions) Larry Benjamin (death by explosion) Mysterious Woman (see Casey above) Naked P.A. (death by vehicular head crushing) Toddster (death by bong hit) Jacob Gelman (death by being eaten by escalator) TROMOVIE FUN FACT: Perhaps inspired by his hero ROBERT DENIRO, TROMA Superstar and escalator victim JOE FLEISHAKER bulked up from 398 to 402 pounds for the role of Jacob Gelman, a character described in the script as "FAT". Asshole P.A. (death by legs cut off by trucks) Edgar Allan (death by stretched penis) Popo (death by crucifixion): HIMSELF French Cool Cats (death by vomit asphyxiation and car crash) Stephen (death from head fried by lamp) Jennifer's Mom (death by disgusting flesh-eating bacteria; not shown) Guy Beaten By Leg (death from broken heart) Old Man Phil (death by fecal accident) Toxie's Father (death by blowing brains out) Pregnant Woman (de-fetustration) TROMOVIE FUN FACT: TERROR FIRMER is the first film in history to be edited by a non-seeing, no-limbed, drug addicted, gyno-African American specially abled individual This groundbreaking step in political correctness is of particular pride to the producers of TERROR FIRMER. Larry's Wife (trampled under foot) Cereal Killer's Victim (death by cornflakes) Squib Death Victim (death by bullet in head) Actor Hanging Off Building (death by severed fingers; resulting in 12 story fall) Toxic Crusader Songstress (killed by crew; not shown) Bitch: Barbra Streisand Other Festival Heads We Would Have Liked to Have in the Movie But Were Unable To GILLES JACOB, Cannes GEOFFREY GILMORE, Sundance MITCH DAVIS, Fantasia KARIM HUSSAIN, Fantasia PIERRE CORBEIL, Fantasia DAN MIRVISH, Slamdance FREDDY BOZZO, Brussels MARIO DORMINSKY, Portugal YOICHI KOMATSUSAWA, Tokyo TROMOVIE FUN FACT: The shocked onlookers listed above were actually more amused than shocked at witnessing a buck naked man running through the streets of New York. Hollywood Reporter: Better Than Variety 12 Year Old *Retarded..um.. Handicapped..er Stupid* Very Special Boy [everything between asterisks is crossed out in the credits] Frat Girl Who Smells Armpit (worse than death) THE CREDIT GUY here again. You may remember me from the end credits of Tromeo & Juliet. Since that film, I have been working on my craft, honing my skills, perfecting the fine art that is "credit-creating". To many of you insensitive cretins, the changes will be imperceptible. These little things will be evident to those few who truly appreciate the credit craft. By the way, I am naked right now. Am I making you hot? Call me at 1(800) 83 TROMA Actors...er, Individuals Who Portray Members of the Crew [Lists some extras] CREDIT GUY here again. Man, that was a long list. A long list like that takes stamina, intelligence and a winner's drive for anal minutia. If you are a large breasted (hopefully hardbodied) female who appreciates these qualities in an eggheaded, spindly limbed, prematurely balding man, please call me -- 1(800) 83 TROMA. Larry's *Blind...er... Vision Impaired...uh... Sight Challenged* Very Good Hearing-Having Cousin [again, everything between the asterisks has been crossed out] People We Cut Out Of the Film/Saved For The DVD [lists people] [The next things are stuff in the crew credits.] TROMOVIE FUN FACT: A Gaffer is a trained assassin who kills members of the cast if they step out of line. On TERROR FIRMER, George Gatter personally "gaffed" several unruly actors. Key Largo: Overrated Movie Best Bread: Bread & Cie, Charles Kaufman, prop Best Breast: Carla Burden Clapper Boy: Antares Bassis Boy With Clap: Lloyd Kaufman, 1969 Gripping: Last 10 minutes of SGT. KABUKIMAN, NYPD Telephone Operator: Any asshole with an IQ above 60 Lloyd Kaufman's Unit: Only 3 inches long Stock Market Boom: 1993-99 Big Boom: Ted Kazinsky Shit Supervisor: Howard P. Doody CREDIT GUY here again. It is a little known secret that many of the names in the credits are made up. It really only takes about 5 or 6 people to make a movie. One of them is me. Hell, half these names I made up myself. I mean, come on -- Antonio Canobbio? You think that's a real name. You're so stupid. I hate you. But I still want to love you. Call me at 1(800) 83-TROMA. TROMOVIE FUN FACT: Some of the production team of TERROR FIRMER was so fucked up that they were unable to find their own asses in a darkened room. They had significant trouble when the lights were on, as well. Kiss and Makeup: Juan A. Gedlaid KISS makeup: kicks ass! Fart Cutters: Crew after lunch Negative Attitude: Gets You Nowhere Additional Mixers: Tonic Water; Ginger Ale Graphic Sex: Clinton WHite House Phlegm: More Fun Than Silly Putty PUBLIC NOTICE: THE CREDIT GUY has been fired for disclosing trade secrets and proprietary information. Disregard his previous message as the lunatic rantings of an undersexed megalomaniac. I have taken his position as Credit Guy, but I am gay. While I have not yet achieved the Flaubertian or Balzac-inspired heights that Credit Guy #1 regularly achieved, I need a little lovin' too. If you want to "lock picture" with me, I'll gladly "render your end titles". Oh, yeah -- I can "fill your sprocket holes" 24 times a second. Call me 1(800) 83 TROMA. Still Angry: Lloyd Kaufman High Fall: Fat Bruce Willis High: Crew after hours Hi: Translation of "Yo! Yo! Yo!" TROMOVIE FUN FACT: The most dangerous stunt in TERROR FIRMER was trying to get away with using footage of the same car flip for the third time in a movie without our fans dismembering us. It's THE NEW CREDIT GUY again. Why haven't you called? I want you to be my "best boy". I've got a "key grip" I think you'll enjoy. I'm gonna "touch your ass". Call me. Extramarital Affairs: Bill Clinton Beverages: Mad Dog Beer This is THE NEW CREDIT GUY again. No one's called -- I'm sure you've all left the theater. I hope you're all happy -- I'm lonely, dejected, considering sleeping with a woman. Call me and cheer me up 1(800) 83 TROMA. Or send me naked pictures of yourself via the web -- creditguy@troma.com
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[Among the soundtrack list] Flipp Guests Porn Section: Mike Olander - Baritone Sex-o-phone Matt Franks - Tromboner Kyle Newmaster - Crumpet Dan Cords - Tenor Sex-o-phone
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Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental and entirely pitiable.
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All animals, actors or other forms of life were handled with the utmost care during the filming and were never purposely drugged, sedated or harmed. Except for those French guys in the car, who were accidentally run over by an equipment truck after the conclusion of their dangerous scene.
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Any unauthorized duplication, distribution or exhibition of this photoplay may result in a criminal prosecution as well as civil liability. And we'll tell your mommy!
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All Rights Reserved. All Lefts Made From Far Lane.
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Lloyd Kaufman included Eli Roth's name in the credits as a joke, specifically because Eli turned down an offer to be in the film.
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