Terror Firmer (1999)
Larry Benjamin: Quiet! Quiet, quiet, quiet! What's going on here? I'm the director! I am the director! I'm not saying that because I'm on some kind of ego trip or on some kind of bullshit artistic vision! I'm telling you this because I've been directing ten-cent movies for 30 years and I think I know a little bit about what I am doing! And I know a little something about the world because I'm a 52-year-old manic asshole! It's a horrible world! Starvation, dismemberment, torture, rape, corn-holing... it's horrible out there, but it's worse here in the movie set! We have danger... and stupidity! I don't want someone dying on my set! If someone dies here, I'll blow my brains out and it will be your fault! My career will be over and it'll be your fault! Now, if I have to go around wiping your asses, just let me know. I'll just get some toilet paper and go around to each and every one of you wiping everyone asses. Do you want me to wipe your asses?
[everyone mumbles 'no']
Larry Benjamin: I don't believe you. But we'd better soldier on. Now, let's make some art!
Casey: The perversions must end!... Family values must be saved!
Christine: No! This is a Troma movie!
Audrey Benjamin: [speaking for the first time] You killed my daddy, you maniacal, media-manipulated, homicidal, hermaphrodite freak of nature!
Toddster: Who is *that*?
Meathead Drunk Fratboy #2: Are you referring to that mysterious yet beautiful lady with her back to us?
Asshole P.A.: [dying words] Don't give up the fight for truly independent cinema!
Jacob Gelman: Do you want some chocolate? I didn't think so. I eat this stuff all the time. White chocolate, dark chocolate. Of course I eat dark chocolate with meat and white chocolate with fish.
[approaching a woman on the dance floor]
Toddster: Hey, baby. Do fries go with that shake?
Mysterious Woman: Tell me... what is that fountain over there?
Toddster: That's Thor, the god of love.
Mysterious Woman: Thor is the god of thunder! Not love. But why quivel?
Toddster: [chuckles] Yeah, quivel.
Mysterious Woman: Tell me... what's your name?
Toddster: Todd. Most people call me the Toddster.
Mysterious Woman: Do you live in this house Todd... ster?
Toddster: Right upstairs.
Casey: I was thinking about going home and putting a Spielberg movie in - 'Always' or '1941,' something really great like that.
Casey: Sam Fuller, the American no-talent embraced by those French derelicts.
Larry Benjamin: Christine, that was great! Now all we have to do is a couple of pickups and we can go home.
Christine: Larry, my contract with you says 15 hours and I've been here for 22 hours now! I'm tired and I want to go home!
Larry Benjamin: Of course you want to go home. While you were in that last scene, I could have sworn you were Marilyn Monroe in River of No Return. You were so beautiful in that!
Christine: Really, Larry? Marilyn Monroe?
Larry Benjamin: Yeah.
Christine: Well... I guess I could do a couple of more times. How do I look?
[Christine moves Larry's hand over one of her breasts]
Larry Benjamin: You look great, Marilyn... I mean, Christine.
Ward: Ew, Jerry you distgusting freak, get away from me with all that stuff.
Jerry: Aw, come on Ward. Don't tell me this little nosebleed is bothering you a little.
Ward: Not at much as your ugly face. Why do you get into this stuff anyway?
Jerry: Why do you always look at the crack of a man's ass and think "lunch time"?
Ward: No wonder I loose my appetite when I look at you... sicko. Look at these people. They're miserable.
Jerry: Hey, hey, listen tushy pusher, I love my job. I don't even get paid to be here. In fact, I would pay to be here. So if these people don't like it here, they can just get the fuck out.
Jerry: Hey look, wouldn't you know it? I missed a spot with the blood. Blood boy! Blood boy!
Casey: You know Jerry, there are many ways to express oneself other then saying "more blood, more blood"!
Jerry: Okay, I could express myself a bit more physically by giving you a nice PUNCH in the fucking lungs! How would you like that?
Casey: You shouldn't hit me.
Jerry: Oh, and why is that?
Casey: Well, because...
[Casey suddenly grabs Jerry and throws him against a wall and lifts him by his collar a few feet off the floor]
Casey: You'll be nothing but a bloody heap of quivering pasty white flesh lying on the ground begging for your mama! Would you like that?
Jerry: [terrified] No...
Jennifer: I'm glad that wasn't a real knife.
Andy: If course it was not a real knife. We wouldn't even allow a butter knife on the set. We all know Benjamin's three simple rules to safety. One, safety to humans. Two, safety to people's property. And three, make a good movie.
Casey: Yeah, too bad he can't seem to get rule three right.
DJ: Hey, you seen Christine?
Andy: I thought she went outside to practice her lines. Didn't you know that?
DJ: I knew that. Everyone thinks that DJ doesn't know shit! DJ knows shit! I know where Christine is. She's with that grip Nikolai again!
[Andy and Tina walk off and approach the Toddster]
Andy: Hey Todd, are you gonna be ready in five?
Toddster: I would be ready now if the fact that our fearless leader, our "brilliant" director, didn't blow out my sound system with his ultra-real 44 Magnum blast in that last scene.
Tina - Script Girl: So, how long then?
Toddster: Long enough for you to suck the Todd rod, and for you to be gurgilling with the Todd wadd!
Andy: [grabs Toddster's crotch] That's enough!
Toddster: What the fuck, dude! I'll put up with the awful cheese sandwiches for lunch. I'll put up with the crew on this set that fucking sucks! But I draw the line at ball crunching! I quit! I fucking quit! The Toddster is out of here and I'm taking my sound equipment with me. Sayonadra suckers!
Larry Benjamin: Hey, Andy are you there? Are we all ready to shoot the next scene?
Andy: Actually no, we're going to have to stop production. The sound guy just quit.
Larry Benjamin: Aw man, not the Toddster! He had good potential. Ah, what the heck, let's shoot the scene anyway. We don't need sound.
Andy: Larry, the next scene is Sergeant Kabukiman delivering the Gettysburg Address.
Larry Benjamin: Oh... well I guess we can just scratch that. Hey, let's go to that wild party scene. I can see it now... we do a nice slow disolve to the fraternity scene. The night scene...
[about to shoot a large breasted woman on the set]
Mysterious Woman: Bye bye, big boobie bitch! Thanks for the mam-ories.
Christine: I've just been pissed on by a blind independent movie director!
Jerry: Hey Ward, according to these new revisions, Toxie finds out that the chemical company responsible for turning him into the Toxic Avenger was called Junk-O Chemicals.
Ward: No way!
Jerry: Way! It turns out that it was owned by his late father who made this plant which made Toxie sick which is why he commited suicide, and Toxie never even knew it!
Casey: All these revisions... it's absolutely ridiculous.
Jerry: I'm sorry, what?
Casey: We change the script every day. It completely changes everything in the story.
Jerry: Yes. You can do whatever you want to at Troma. It's this shit in which the best chaos emerges.
Casey: How can you like this offensive garbage anyway?
Jerry: Because it is offensive. Sometimes pissing people off is the only reason to get them to look at shit.
[the Mad Cow Boy standing nearby yells 'moo']
Jerry: See? Even Mad Cow Boy agrees.
Old Man Phil: Larry Benjamin was the first director to deal with the subject of AIDS way back in 1985.
Casey: Right, you call having a mindless nymphet getting raped by an evil general with AIDS is dealing with the subject?
Jerry: Right. What's best about it is that you can order that movie and all of Benjamin's older movies on VHS.
Old Man Phil: And on DVD with a director's commentary.
Jerry: Safely and securely on-line or through telephone or mail order.
[the Mad Cow Boy yells 'moo']
Old Man Phil: What's that Mad Cow Boy? You want the Internet address? It's www.Troma.com.
[the caption reading 'http://www.troma.com OR CALL 1-800-83-TROMA' appears on the screen]
Edgar Allan: Larry, Old Man Phil is dead!
Theodora: Oh, great! Somebody start digging a fucking hole!
Casey: Houston, we have a problem.
[Yeager the PA looks at and eats the brown excrement from the bottom of the dead body of Old Man Phil]
Naked P.A.: This is definitely not chocolate pudding.
Andy: Hey Larry, where the fuck did the fat kid go?
Larry Benjamin: Yaeger? I sent him over to Jerry in special effects. He's having his head life cast for the head crushing scene we're filming next. Yaeger's the guy who's going to get his head squished between the cheeks of Toxie's ass.
Andy: Larry, it would be so much faster and cheaper if we use this watermellon with a wig on it like you always do.
Larry Benjamin: I know, but this is one movie we ain't skipping on.
Jerry: [applying plaster to Yaeger the naked P.A] Okay, Yaeger one more layer. Great! Now in 10 minutes when it's dry, we'll have a perfect mold of your head. Now, it's very important that you don't move, breath, blink or do anything. Hello? Can you hear me? Give me a signal!
[the naked P.A. flips his middle finger at Jerry and mumbles something incoherently]
Jerry: Okay, great! Gotta go. I'll be back in 10 minutes. Gotta go see a man about a severed leg.