Upright Citizens Brigade (1998–2000)
Ian Roberts: Antoine, Various
Photos
Quotes
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Bluto : [discussing a "dolphin centric" SAT test] Humans rule! Dolphins can suck it!
Woman : Those tests should be burned, and then banned, and then burned again!
Alderman : Hear hear!
Leo : [a Jimmy Stewart parody] What, what, are we back in Nazi Germany? We should befriend the dolphins! Instead you're acting like a bunch of Hitlers! A lot of you even look like Hitler! Joe smells like Hitler. Barney Riggly, the postmaster colonal himself, he sneezes like Hitler!
Postmaster : [German voice] I do not!
[sneezes like Hitler]
Alderman : How is it you know so much about Hitler?
Leo : Well, I'm a big fan!
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Alderman : Actually, it has been well documented that the dolphin's brain is proportionately larger than the human's. Some say that dolphins are smarter than humans. Others say that they are more smarter, and still others say that they are... smarterest.
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Mike : You just told me this is all just some fake virtual reality matrix! She doesn't even exist!
Sandy : [with a beard] Mike, there's a hurricane outside! We're gonna be stuck here for hours, we'd better get along!
Mike : Hurricane?
[sees that there is now a hurricane, and he has different clothes]
Mike : What happened to the snowstorm? What am I saying, you're just raping me!
Young : Don't get all high and mighty! You sent me crap-covered letters!
Mike : No! I didn't, that just happened in my fake virtual reality! Nothing that's happened for the past 10 years of my life is real!
Sandy : Hey, at least you didn't really have to go to France.
Young : And at least you weren't forced to eat your own edible panties.
Crow : Actually, no. I do make him eat edible panties. You've sustained on nothing else for the past 10 years.
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Raymond : Camp Counselor Chip, I have something to confess!
Camp Counselor : [exhausted] Yes, Raymond, what to you want to confess?
Raymond : I want to confess... that i want you to walk on hot coals like the Freak at the fair!
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Alderman : [in a town hall meeting about the apocalypse] We've also installed space helmets in the ceiling above you, that will drop in the event of Armaggedon, or a sudden apocalypse, to ensure your safety in our journey to the new homeland.
Bluto : [looking at the drawing of the spaceship/town hall] No way! You're saying our town hall is just like that giant ship guitar that Boston sits on top of in Boston's Don't Look Back album!
Alderman : Of course it's not like the...
[looks at the drawing]
Alderman : Well, well, actually it's exactly like that.
Bluto : Awesome!
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Leo : We should stop focusing on this stupid space helmet plan and... and, and think of a way to defeat God!
Alderman : That's a good idea! The only problem is, I don't like you, so we won't be using it. Now, we can only bring along the bare essentials on our trip. So I will require that everyone only take one CD, food, and celebrity to bring with you on our journey.
Bluto : My favorite celebrity, I'm picking anybody from that show the O.J trial! I don't know why they canceled it.
Leo : Aw, shouldn't we be choosing a favorite book?
Woman : Sure, if you're a pussy!
Leo : We're talking about building a new utopia. And I wanna live in a world where....you don't have to look at your own dookie before you flush it! The people are sick of it!
Alderman : Wait a second! Who says you have to look at it?
Leo : We all look at it! Admit it, Alderman!
Alderman : We're not talking about whether I look at my own dookie right now. We're talking about what happens when this spaceship town hall makes contact with aliens!
Leo : Are we? Or... are we talking about an alderman who looks at his own dookie every day, but he can't look his own consituents in the eyes and admit the truth?
Alderman : I haven't looked at my own dookie in over seven years!
Postmaster : What about other people's dookie?
Alderman : Well, it's been at least four years. Definitely more than three, I don't have to answer these questions!
Woman : Isn't it true, Alderman, that in college, your nickname was Shitty the Shit looker?
Alderman : That was for a completly different reason.
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Alderman : It's been an hour, and Leo still doesn't have any support for his plan to defeat God to avoid Armaggedon.
Leo : [carrying bags of letters] Look, look at all these letters! There's bags and bags of it, just like I was saying! Here, look!
Alderman : These are just random letters! Here's a letter from a boy in band camp, utility bill, super coupons!
Leo : The mail truck's full of them!
Alderman : This doesn't support anything, you've just robbed a mail truck!
Leo : Well, it just said there were letters.
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Postmaster : It's the apocalypse!
Woman : Damned teenagers!
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Sandy : [four NASA employees are saying the worst things they did to each other] Okay... Mike. After about a year of us working together at NASA, I had that spare set of keys to your apartment. So, one day I thought it would be a funny joke if I snuck into your apartment while you were out of town, went into your bathroom and... took a crap on your floor.
[laughs]
Mike : What? That terrified me, I thought it was a Mafia death threat!
Sandy : Come on. Jesus, Mike, I didn't know this game was gonna be about judgement.
Mike : I couldn't sleep after that! I'd lie awake clutching a butcher's knife!
Crow : Mike, this isn't about winning or losing. We're just playing.
Sandy : Yeah, really! I'm sure you did something to us that's just as bad.
Mike : Al lright... well, Young, I played a prank on you.
Young : Okay.
Mike : You remember I sent you all those letters from Belgium? I never went to Belgium.
Young : Well, that's okay, no big deal.
Mike : No, no, no, that's not the prank. See, I felt so violated that someone had crapped on my bathroom floor, that I smeared the crap over the letters that I sent to you.
Sandy : Eww!
Young : You told me that was Belgium chocolate! I believed you!
Sandy : Okay, don't get mad. This is not about judgement.
Young : But why would somebody do something like that?
Mike : I was in a rough place, I wasn't sleeping! Sandy crapped on my bathroom floor!
Crow : Guys! We're not keeping score here, we're just playing.
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Young : Okay... Crow. You know how last summer, we'd go to your home and you'd serve us some sweet cold drinks, and I never wanted any ice in mine?
Crow : Yeah.
Young : Well, that's cause I used to break into your basement every night, through a window, and... sneak upstairs while everyone was sleeping... jack off your dad and put it in the ice cube trays.
Crow : My ice cube trays?
Young : Look, I don't know why! Okay, I'm screwed up!
Sandy : Hey, remember, no judging!
Crow : My ice cube trays!
Mike : Why are you so upset about the ice cube trays, if I were you I'd... Oh, my God! Nine months before my mother gave birth to my baby brother, I thought it'd be a funny joke if I took one of the ice cubes from Crow's freeze and stuck it in her... Oh my God! My brother's father is... Agh!
Sandy : Oh, that's bad! Oh!
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Crow : Remember 10 years ago, when you got in that big accident on your space mission?
Mike : How could I forget? My space capsule got attacked by an alien. Then the alien planted its seed in my stomach...
Crow : And the alien baby exploded outta your torso... and then what happened?
Mike : Well, then I... and then I, um...
Crow : Right. I was on the NASA team that salvaged your body. I took your body back to my house, where I set up this little virtual reality matrix, jacking your brain into a totally fake computer world, which to you, seems completly real. I know for the past 10 years, you've felt like you had this cushy desk job at NASA, you've met the President, you've traveled to France and become friends with the three of us. Actually... in the real world... in reality... I've been raping you in my basement for the last 10 years.
