Mary Katherine Gallagher: I think they get the point Grandma.
Grandma Gallagher: Wait, I've got two more. When I say tap, you tap, and when I say booga booga, you booga booga.
Maria Ganitisis: What's booga booga mean?
Grandma Gallagher: I don't know, but if I say it you better fuckin figure it out!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [to Evian] Well, you should be embarrassed because your parents named you after bottled water!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh look at you, my pretty little girl, sitting there with your face all painted up in your little halter top, you're nothing but a little slut.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Don't call me that! I'm a Puerto Rican lady senor.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: You're nothing but a little slut, Sybill Ann Dorsett, we know you're a little slut.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I'm not a slut. I'm not a slut. I'm not a slut. I'm not a slut. I'M NO SLUT!
Father Ritley: Girls have a button, boys have a pole. Wicked touching takes its toll.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: These are my BREASTS. They're so BIG. I need a BRA to strap them and support because they're so HUGE they need to be hooked and strapped for support. My big boobs, this one is bigger than this one 'cause is the mommy and that's the baby. And this one is very nice to this one and they hold hands because they're FRIENDS!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [to Evian] Go drink a bottle of yourself!
Grandma Gallagher: Mary Katherine, what are you doing?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I'm using my telekineses to kill the girl who poured pig's blood on me at the prom.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Are you aware that I am rubber, and you are glue, and whatever you say to me bounces off, of me, and sticks to you? So put that in your, back pocket.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits and then I smell them like this!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: You're horrible! 'slams door' 'opens door'... HORRIBLE
Grandma Gallagher: It's time I told you how your parents died.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: What does that have to do with a talent contest?
Grandma Gallagher: Everything.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I thought you said that mom and dad were savagely ripped apart and eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks.
Grandma Gallagher: I just told you that to make you feel better.
Helen Lewengrub: Remember, he said you have nice moves. That means he was looking at your body, which means he thinks you're doable. So basically, he asked you to sleep with him.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh my goodness, this relationship is moving too fast.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh my God!
Jesus: Oh my Me! How are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: It's going OK. Are you the Lord?
Jesus: Well, to you I am. See, technically, you're, like, in this REM sleep state, and I'm a mixture of your mind's images of God, some past authority figures, uh, Skye, and your dad. Basically, your subconcsious came up with me to help you deal. Dig?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah... uh, you want a glass of water or something?
Jesus: No, I'm good. I'm God!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh. Right.
Father: Thomas Smith?
Thomas: Here! But I don't know where here is man, 'cause I'm so wasted man!
Father: Thomas, it is a sin to even pretend that you-you-you're baked.
Jesus: The Lord God is materializing in a highway to guide you to her.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: So what really happened to your parents?
Slater: They were savagely ripped apart and eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: That happens a lot.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [Mary when young] Your birthmark looks like shit!
Howard Feinstein: [Owen kisses Howard] What, are you gay?
Owen Flanagan: Five times more gay than you think. Four more to go, peaches.
[Owen kisses Howard four more times]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [coming home late after auditioning] I stayed after school to study business.
Father John Insomnic: Maria Ganitisis?
Maria Ganitisis: HERE! But the devil speaks for me, obviously.
Helen Lewengrub: No, but once Owen kissed me on the cheek five times! Hi Owen!
Owen Flanagan: Hi, hi hi... hi... hi.
Father Ritley: Marym Katherine, what was that horrible thing you said to Sister Eileen?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I told her to move her big white butt or I would cold cock her honky ass
Helen Lewengrub: You know what it's time for... Supermodel documentary hour!
Grandma Gallagher: Just when it looked like your parents would be triumphant again, the unthinkable happened! Fat Teddy McGinty's belly struck the record player, accidentally turning up the speed. And the stepdancers began stepping quicker and quicker, trying to keep up. And that's when your mother fell, and she took your dad down with her. And before the dancers could stop themselves, they stomped your parents to death!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [talking to a stop sign] No, I do like you. But it's too soon. You just broke up with her. We can't.
[flirtatiously hits the pole]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Stop making me laugh.
[starts French-kissing the pole and moaning]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Do you think that, even without the talent show, Sky would still wanna kiss me?
Slater: I think Sky would have to be cr-cr-crazy not to wanna kiss you.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Please God, forgive me for not telling Slater that I went to the bathroom in the pool tonight.
Helen Lewengrub: What if they make fun of us?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay, I just wanna say one thing to all of you. Don't listen to the names that people call you. If you believe in yourself, then nobody can hurt you. You are your own rainbow.
Maria Ganitisis: Wow. That's really insightful.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: That's from 'The Initiation Of Sarah' starring Miss Shelley Winters.
Maria Ganitisis: Yeah?
Howard Feinstein: Cool.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [last lines, talking to a tree] And that's my story. That's my entire story. I wanted you to know so you would understand why I can't see you anymore. So, I guess this is good-bye. What are you saying? You want a good-bye what? No I can't. I can't. I'm seeing Slater now. Oh you're so bad. Okay just one for the road.
[French kisses the tree and starts moaning]