Waking Ned Devine (1998)
Pig Finn: Come on, Maggie!
Maggie O'Toole: I caught a whiff of something then.
Pig Finn: Oh no, it's peaches. Peach soaps, Maggie.
Maggie O'Toole: Oh no. It's something else.
Pig Finn: Could be strawberries. Oh, Maggie.
Maggie O'Toole: Finn.
Pig Finn: Maggie.
Maggie O'Toole: Finn. Oh no, sorry love, it's still there.
Michael O'Sullivan: Will you excuse me just a minute, will you Jim? I have a bit of an upset tummy coming on.
Michael O'Sullivan: He survived all those storms to be washed away by a few plastic lottery balls.
Jackie O'Shea: And don't take it personally, Finn, but I bought you some expensive, fruity soaps. Take them home, try them out.
Jackie O'Shea: Michael O'Sullivan was my great friend. But I don't ever remember telling him that. The words that are spoken at a funeral are spoken too late for the man who is dead. What a wonderful thing it would be to visit your own funeral. To sit at the front and hear what was said, maybe say a few things yourself. Michael and I grew old together. But at times, when we laughed, we grew young. If he was here now, if he could hear what I say, I'd congratulate him on being a great man, and thank him for being a friend.
Annie O'Shea: Have we won?
Jackie O'Shea: No, but it got my apple tart brought in now didn't it.
Annie O'Shea: But he's never told a lie in his life.
Jackie O'Shea: Well, he's making up for it now.
Pig Finn: I've been using some fruity soaps, Maggie.
Maggie O'Toole: I've noticed. Well, come on then... Let's get closer.
Pig Finn: Oh, yes please, Maggie.
Michael O'Sullivan: Is this a fact, Jackie? A winner in the village?
Jackie O'Shea: We find the winner and make sure we are their best friend when they cash the cheque.
Michael O'Sullivan: There's the man.
Pig Finn: Hey boys. Hey boys.
Jackie O'Shea: How are ya? The old sparkle in your eye, ey?
Pig Finn: You're a devil Jackie. Geez Jackie, you must have a terrible thirst on ya tonight. I've never seen a man drink two pints at the same time.
Jackie O'Shea: This is yours Finn. I bought you a pint so.
Pig Finn: You're joking me? Well, you've never bought me a pint.
Jackie O'Shea: Well, I've always bought you home many a night.
Michael O'Sullivan: And I bought you a packet of your favorite Mexican crisps.
Kitty: Yoo-hoo. It's not me Christmas card already is it, Michael?
Michael O'Sullivan: Christmas has come early this year, Kitty.
Annie O'Shea: So, Kitty, how did you like your breast?
Kitty: My breast Annie, was tasty as.
Annie O'Shea: I have a chicken leg left over.
Jackie O'Shea: I'm full Annie. Put it in the fridge for dinner tomorrow.
Annie O'Shea: Jackie. I counted those joints precisely. If there's a leg left over, it means someone was missing.
Jackie O'Shea: Winner smells a rat? Where's my list? Ned Devine. Ned Devine was missing.
Jackie O'Shea: [after finding Ned's dead body] Dear God. You'll be cursing in heaven tonight, Ned Devine.
Jackie O'Shea: Is there a greater twist of fate Annie? To win half a million and the next minute die from the shock of it.
Jackie O'Shea: It's a premonition, Michael. A vision.
Michael O'Sullivan: It's a chicken dinner.
Jackie O'Shea: It's obvious Michael. He wants us to claim the money. Share the chicken dinner. Share the winnings.
Michael O'Sullivan: What a great man he was.
Jackie O'Shea: Yeah, and his spirit's in me head.
Michael O'Sullivan: What'll you do with the ticket?
Jackie O'Shea: Well, he wrote his name in the back Michael. We pretend to be Ned, and we claim the half million.
Maureen: Hello. National Lotto. Maureen speaking. How may I help you?
Jackie O'Shea: Yes, Maureen, Hello. I wanted to talk to someone about a claim that I'll be making.
Jackie O'Shea: Go on, ask me another one. Use your imagination.
Michael O'Sullivan: How old are you, Ned?
Jackie O'Shea: I'm sixty six, Sir.
Jim Kelly: Would you happen to know a Ned Devine?
Jackie O'Shea: Ned Devine?
Jim Kelly: Ned Devine. Do you know him?
Jackie O'Shea: I do. I do. Is it Ned you wanted?
Jim Kelly: It is, yeah.
Jackie O'Shea: Well, I can take you to Ned Devine's house if you want.
Jim Kelly: That'll be very good of you. Why don't you jump in the car?
Michael O'Sullivan: Sweet Jesus.
Jackie O'Shea: I think there's a right turn coming up here. Could you drive a little slower mister, please?
Jim Kelly: Are you having trouble with the directions?
Jackie O'Shea: I am. You're going too fast, yes.
Michael O'Sullivan: [pretending to be Ned Devine] A big win is it?
Jim Kelly: Ned, you've won six million eight hundred and ninety four thousand, six hundred and twenty pounds. How does that make you feel? Take your time now, there's no rush. It's a great shock to the system I know. Just give yourself a moment to get used to the idea. So what do you think, Ned? Well it was a roll over week. The jackpot wasn't won last week, so they carried it over to this week, and you were the only winner. Were you aware of that, Ned?
Michael O'Sullivan: No.
Narrator: Saturday evening, and the universe is much the same as at any other point in the history of the world. The planets and stars orbit and spin, and do everything that is expected of them. On earth, as the sun sets, millions prepare for a weekly event that is much less predictable. In sixty three countries around the world, dozens of lottery machines spin hundreds of lottery balls. It takes seconds for the winning numbers to be selected... seconds for the losers to realize they've lost. But for the winners, it is an event that will undoubtedly change their lives forever... lucky sods!
Annie O'Shea: You're a country boy, Jackie. Do you think you can think you can outsmart the man from the city?
Jackie O'Shea: If I'd have known how much was won, I'd never have started in the first place. Oh Lord, this is getting awful serious.
Jackie O'Shea: I'm not a great man for telling things the way they are. I mean, I've been known to add a little color to stories and riddles for the benefit of those who will listen. Yet here tonight I can swear that all I've told you is true. The money will be claimed and divided equally between the fifty two of us. Now it was wrong, to think I could claim the money meself. That's not what Ned wants. He wants us to share the winnings. A nest stake for us all. So now if the lotto man comes to the village, you say that Ned Devine is alive and well, and you point your finger to Michael O'Sullivan.
Jackie O'Shea: Yes, Kitty?
Kitty: How are we gonna recognise the lotto man when he comes?
Jackie O'Shea: He sneezes.
Jackie O'Shea: Sneezes. He gets hay fever when he's in the country.
Lizzy Quinn: Enough of the sneezing. How much has been won?
Jim Kelly: I'll just have to come back to the village and make some enquiries. To make sure that you are Ned Devine.
Michael O'Sullivan: Lizzy Quinn, the witch. If the village finds out, she'll burn.
Michael O'Sullivan: Take a drink and remember the man.
Jackie O'Shea: And raise your spirits to the sky. Raise them to Ned Devine. God bless you Ned, and may we be forever in your debt.
Pig Finn: To Ned Devine.
Pig Finn: To Ned.
Maurice O'Toole: To Ned.
Michael O'Sullivan: Has the news reached Tullymore?
Jackie O'Shea: Not even Dublin's figured it out yet, so nobody knows but the winner.
Jackie O'Shea: Annie, where's me ticket?
Annie O'Shea: In your trousers.