Detroit Rock City (1999)
Jam: Hey what's up mom? I'm gonna ask you this nicely first. Can I have my drumsticks back?
Mrs. Bruce: Your drumsticks are the least of your worries young man. You ran out on God! My son just ran out on God! You are in a world of...
Jam: TROUBLE! HA HA HA! I've been in trouble for the past 12 hours! HELLO? You know I'm going to be in St. Bernards Boarding School for the next 2 years of my life, remember?
Mrs. Bruce: YES!
Jam: I am going to be out of your hair until I am a legal adult!
Mrs. Bruce: YES!
Jam: Then all you have to do is go to church, light a candle, and pray to some stupid little statue for me and all is forgiven and forgotten, right mom? Then you can spend your days in a guilt free pursuit of more constructive activities like telling everybody ELSE how screwed up THEIR lives are. And then you no longer need the patience and understanding required to talk to your own son on some normal plain. And then that way you don't have to think about how tough it was for you when you were growing up and its probably a good thing too cause if you did, you'd realize what a lousy, goddamn shitty-ass parent you are!
Mrs. Bruce: Jeremiah... what has gotten into you?
Jam: [Yells over bullhorn to crowd of church-goers] I JUST LOST MY VIRGINITY IN A CONFESSIONAL BOOTH! LORD... HAVE... MERCY! Now, for the last time... Mom... Give me back my FUCKING drumsticks...
Christine: Hey, you know what? Disco's so fucking big right now, I wouldn't be suprised if KISS did a disco song.
Lex: Man, if there's one thing KISS will never do, it is a bullshit disco song.
Jam: No shit man!
Trip: Yeah man. Disco blows dogs for quarters man!
Trip: Man, this is better than the first time I got to finger a chick, man.
Guido: Have you learned your lesson yet, puke?
Hawk: If the lesson is you're a dick with ears and a really bad haircut, I'd say yeah. I've learned my lesson.
Hawk: Quite a night. So far you've seen me and my dick throw up.
[Trip calls Lex's mom a dyke]
Lex: Just because she's a female gynecologist, doesn't mean she's a lesbian. And even if she was, at least my mom didn't give birth to me while she was on LSD.
Lex: [Voices, and Faces inside Trip's head as He contemplates robbing a store] I can't believe you're thinking of robbing a store, Trip. I mean, You don't pass go, and collect 200 Dollars for pulling Stuff like this, Man.
Hawk: No shit, Man, is this really worth it? Still, You're gonna get Your ass kicked nine ways to Sunday by that fucking Gorilla, but I guess it's still a Hundred Times better than getting it Porked for the next Three to Five, right?
Jam: What about that Girl Trip, She'll never forget this Night. Even if You got away with it, She'll be Scarred for Life, I mean, when are You gonna realize some Day, that being Tough, means being Tender?
Trip: [Aloud] Alright everybody, just Shut up!
[All the Customers look at Trip questionably, as Trip fakes a Cough]
Christine: Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?
Hawk: Why don't you lick my hairy crack?
Christine: Why don't you bend over, you're lookin' right at it!
Lex: [Everybody looks at each other in puzzlement] That last remark fell about 30 yards away from makin' any sense whatsoever!
Trip: Hey scumbag! Drop it or I'll blow your head off!
Mini-Mart Robber: Oh yeah? You and what army?
Trip: ...the Kiss Army!
Scalper: Check it out, man. The question you gotta ask yourself is how badly do you wanna see the greatest fucking rock and roll show on the fucking Earth, right? We're talking about Gene and Paul live, dog! I'm talking about the most voluptuous women hanging out in the audience. I'm talking big breasteses, and tight vesteses, my friend! You're talking people passing around joints in the audience. You're talking about fuckin' Detroit Rock City, brother.
[points to strip club]
Scalper: Shake your wee-wee!
Jam: It's a teenage girl walking along the side of the highway. I mean, they, they, they make scary movies that start out like that.
Trip: Hey, but, but they make porno movies that start out like that too, man.
[a Little Boy is playing pinball]
Little Kid: Shit! You just stole my last ball you...
Trip: Scream and I'll kick your head off.
[after Jam's mom finds the Kiss record]
Lex: Man, I was afraid some bullshit like this was gonna happen. If Jam misses Peter Criss' drum solo, he won't be able to continue with his fucking life!
Hawk: Lex! Quit Jynxing us man! No one is missing that concert tomorrow night!
Trip: So who did your wardrobe? A band of preppy sailboat captains?
Jam: Hey, my mom had me over a barrel, alright? After what happened last night I had to let her *dress* me today!
Jam: It's a give-and-take relationship.
Lex: Yeah, she gives you shit, and you take it!
Hawk: Jam, give me the tickets, man, I wanna hang on to them.
Jam: The... tickets?
Jam: you see, there's a little, *little* problem with that. They're still at my house in Trip's jacket.
Hawk: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Jam: She was standing right over me while I was changing, for fuck's sake!
Hawk: Jam, you are so pathetic, man!
Trip: That is some sick shit right there! What, does she comb your ass hair for you too?
Lex: Jam, if she even smells those tickets, she'll destroy 'em, and we get fucked outta seein' KISS for the third year in a row!
Jam: They're fine, they're at my house, they're perfectly safe. We can go there right after school and pick 'em up. My mom's not even gonna be there!
Trip: Dudes, hours from now, we're actually gonna be seein' KISS!
Hawk: All right, man. We'll just double time it to your house, and grab the tickets before heading to the train station for the 3:45 to DETROIT... ROCK... CITY! GOD!
Hawk: Well, as they say in the tampon biz, see you next period.
[slams locker door]
[Trip is kicking the walls of the washroom]
Lex: Take it easy man. This is the girls crapper, remember?
Trip: Aw, wake up Lex! We just watched Jam's mom torch our fucking KISS tickets man! Not REO Speedwagon, not Journey, not The Bay City Rollers. KISS, man! If you can think of a better reason to trash a girl's bathroom I'd sure like to hear it.
Father Phillip McNulty: What the hell are you doin' Sister Gonorrhea, waitin' for a bus?
Hawk: Only a car full of Stellas and Guidos would ride your ass on a 2-lane highway and honk.
Lex: You just upset the Incredible Hulk, his idiot half brother, and the two circus clowns.
Lex: You know, your clothes may say disco, but your eyes say rock n' roll.
Christine: Yeah? Well, your belt buckle may say rock n' roll, but your breath says pepperoni, baby.
Father Phillip McNulty: I've been giving that sermon for years and I never realised that its the work of some comedy mastermind. The Prodigal Son is a barrel of fucking monkeys.
Hawk: How's it hanging, Padre?
Father Phillip McNulty: Whoa, I just heard you talking through my nose. Is it possible my nose has ear drums?... Nose drums!
Lex: Hey, thanks for letting us use your make-up supply. You must have the entire Revlon factory in your purse, you greasy disco ball!
Hawk: Jam! Just shut your faggoty-ass mouth! You're pissing me off! Now we came all this way and we've got absolutely nothing. So help me God, we are going to that concert.
Chongo: This guy giving you shit, bro?
Little Kid: Yeah, he was going to mug me for my KISS ticket.
Trip: What! That's insane, I said "Hey, little kid, you know where I could take a piss?"
Mrs. Bruce: You know what Kiss stands for, don't you?
Mrs. Bruce: 'Knights In Satan's Service!'
Christine: Now there's an intelligently biting remark wrought with wit and irony.
Jam: Hey look, it's that girl.
Trip: Man, that's no girl, that's a Stella!
[the guys find out their Volvo has been stolen]
Lex: We must get the cops in on this Volvo-situation.
Hawk: Lex, this is Detroit. You think the cops are gonna waste city-dollars on a Swedish car?
Mrs. Bruce: [to Jam] It is about time, that you gave up that STUPID dream of yours, once and for all! No son of mine is gonna be a career musician... ever, ever, EVER!
Christine: You guys like Disco? Y'know, I teach disco dancing back at my church... you guys look like you got a little rhythm in your blood... free lessons if you let me go...
Beefy Jerk #1: Oh, I know what dance we could do... 'The Horizontal Hustle'.
[Door opens, Lex enters]
Lex: Hey peanut-turds! I'm here for the girl and the car!
Trip: Just one more day of school to get through, girlies, before tomorrow night, Cobo Hall, Detroit, Michigan! You wanted the best...
All Boys: You got the best! The hottest band in the world... KISS!
[exhale loudly, imitating the sound of a screaming crowd]
Trip: [looks at Jam, dressed in nerdy clothes] Man, that geek looks just like Jam.
Lex: Man, that geek *is* Jam.
Hawk: [yells across the campus] HEY, DORK!
[Jam flips them off, they all start laughing]
Hawk: [three Stellas are walking by] I wish somebody would tell these girls that *DISCO'S DEAD!*
Stella 1: Don't stare too long, boys, you'll go blind!
Lex: Yeah, right! Stellas. I hate Stellas almost as much as I hate dogs.
Trip: Yeah, man. Same species when you stop to think about it, man!
Hawk: [drives up to radio station] Here we are. Ample time to grab the tickets, and God was smiling down on us tonight.
Jam: That's funny, I figured he'd be pissed as hell at me!
Trip: Whoa, man. I just had the killer-est vision, man. Imagine Mystery, openin' up for KISS, man.
Lex: Oh, that'd be fuckin' IT, man!
Trip: It could happen, man. it could happen!
Jam: You know, in '73, KISS was opening for Blue Oyster Cult. One year later, to the day, man, Blue Oyster Cult was opening for KISS.
Lex: Yeah, well, we're not gonna be openin' for anyone until our lead singer gets over his stage fright.
Hawk: [scoffs] Man, I don't have fucking stage fright, man!
Lex: Then why'd you pass out at Bing's party before the first fucking song?
Hawk: That was one show, man!
Lex: Yeah, that was our only show, and you dropped like a dead deer on us!
Hawk: Shut up, man.
Mrs. Bruce: Where's Karen Carpenter?
Jam: How would I know?
Mrs. Bruce: Do you have Donny and Marie, too?
Jam: *Why* would I have Donny and Marie?
Announcer: Each fan has a favorite. Each one, a fantasy.
Hawk: So, you grounded because of what happened last night, or what, man?
Jam: No, yeah. But, uhh, has that ever stopped me before?
Hawk: Will you guys quit the mom-bashing? I mean, look, look, Lex's mom is cool because she lets us spend the night, and if it wasn't for your mom, Trip, we wouldn't have smoked that fine Panama Red last night! So, leave the women who gave you life out of it, they're both cool in my book.
Lex: [lifts up pillow to see the spilled bong on the bed] Trip, you asshole!
Lex: Man, you spilled the bong water all over the bed!
Jam: Jeremiah, it's time to go!
[walks in Jam's room, Jam stands up quickly to pull up his window shade, hiding the KISS poster pinned to it]
Jam: *What* are you doing?
Jam: [trying to find an excuse] Just, uh, whooh, gettin' a little sunshine!
Mrs. Bruce: God forbid one day you have a son like you, Jeremiah. A boy who lies through his teeth, buys demonic records, and smokes the dope!
Father Phillip McNulty: [Hawk is dressed as the pizza boy] I'm donating your tip to the church. The Lord thinks you.
Hawk: Tell the Big Guy not to mention it.
Hawk: Yeah, we're here to take out friend Jam here to the big, satanic KISS concert, if that's okay with you.
Father Phillip McNulty: Satan? Satan? Santa. They're the same letters... they're the same guy!
Hawk: [Kenny throws him on the ground after using his head to wipe up pizza] Oh, that's not very nice, man!
Barbara: Christine? Christine! You googatz in the head or something? We are on the side of the freakin' highway!
Hawk: [talking to Barbara] Oh, yeah, *STELLA*! And we'll deserve it too, won't we? But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make it *really* worth their while!
Christine: A tease? What the hell did I do to tease you mongoloids?
Hawk: [driving through the KISS crowd] You need to get the fuck out of my way!
Hawk: Christine stole it! Asleep, my ass. The Stella booted with your mom's wheels.
Bartender: Save your money, stud-muffin. The lady at the end of the bar sends her love.
Jam: [meets Beth in the confessional booth] BETH? Are you waiting for a confession? I thought you were Jewish?
Lex: [encounters several snarling dogs] Oh, God, God if you get me out of this, I swear, I will never pull my pork again!
Mini-Mart Robber: I don't even think you have a gun.
Trip: Neither do I!
Cashier: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Who are you?
Trip: They call me Dr. Love.
Lex: Okay, fuck it, man. I j- I just give up.
Lex: Oh, God, man, what now? Wolves?
Lex: [to dogs] Tear these grease monkeys a new asshole!
[dogs corner chop shop guys in an office]
Lex: One step out of that office, and your asses are Alpo!
Lex: [while singing "Rock and roll all night"] Give it to me, baby!
Lex: We're not stealing my mom's car. Okay, that's not happening.
Hawk: You're damn right we are.
Hawk: [waiting to bust Jam out of St. Bernards] Come on, man. This is such a lousy view. How the hell are we ever supposed to know when he's lit?
Trip: It usually takes ten minutes to a half an hour. All depends, you know?
Trip: He's LIT!
Christine: Okay, dope-burnout, let's get one thing straight, here. As far as I'm concerned, good tunes is good tunes. Be it disco or rock, or polka, or whatever have you, regardless of the category. Disco is just easier to dance to.
Lex: Man, that weed knocked Christine on her ass. She's sleeping like a baby Stella.
Trip: Let's lift up her skirt!
Beefy Jerk #1: [Lex is about to leave] HEY! What about the fucking dogs?
Lex: You got a phone in there, man?
Beefy Jerk #1: Yeah.
Lex: Call the cops.