That '70s Show (1998–2006)
[Donna and Kelso are hiding under a bed]
Donna Pinciotti: Is that your hand on my ass?
Michael Kelso: It was an accident.
Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, your hand's still on my ass.
Michael Kelso: IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT.
Red Forman: What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?
Eric: That it's offensive to the Devil?
Red Forman: When my time comes I want to be buried face down. That way whoever doesn't like me can kiss my ass.
Fez: You don't like me because I'm not from here.
Red: This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner. This is about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner!
Red Forman: [to Eric] So, this is how an immature, engaged, high school dumbass, with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.
Steven Hyde: That was like eight burns in one sentence.
Donna Pinciotti: An octo-burn. Let's get outta here.
[on Kitty's mother-in-law]
Kitty Forman: Red's mother is coming.
Midge Pinciotti: What's that pet name she has for you?
Kitty Forman: Whore.
Steven Hyde: Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
Michael Kelso: I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
[everyone looks at him]
Michael Kelso: Naked! That's the way God intended.
Jackie Burkhardt: No way.
Michael Kelso: Why not? It'd be fun.
Donna Pinciotti: Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
Eric: So, you don't want to do it?
Donna Pinciotti: Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
Eric: You... Okay, I'm in.
Fez: Naked is dirty.
Fez: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
All: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Jackie Burkhardt: [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
Steven Hyde: By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
Fez: Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
Eric: Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
Steven Hyde: We can go to my house.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
Steven Hyde: She's not even home, you moron!
[Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
Fez: Put on the top forty.
[Fez reaches over for the radio]
Steven Hyde: Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
Fez: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Steven Hyde: I don't know. Tuck it in!
Kitty Forman: I need someone who can take evil
[Laurie walks in]
Kitty Forman: How's mama's girl? I have a job for you.
Laurie Forman: Not interested.
Kitty Forman: It pays 10 dollars.
Laurie Forman: I'll do anything for ten dollars.
Kitty Forman: For once that's a good thing.
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, I have a date too.
Michael Kelso: Who is he? What's his name?
Jackie Burkhardt: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every single conceivable way.
Michael Kelso: DAMN, JACKIE. THAT COULD BE ANYBODY.
Michael Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!
Steven Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
Michael Kelso: Me!
Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter!
Frank: I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hotdogs to teenagers.
Kelso: You got both your legs, Frank.
Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam!
Red Forman: [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart]
Red Forman: You need to grow up and learn some responsibility.
Eric: I love you too, Dad.
Red Forman: What? Stop being weird.
Michael Kelso: I miss Eric.
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, you still have me.
Michael Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can't talk about with you.
Jackie Burkhardt: Okay, well like what?
Michael Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael.
Michael Kelso: See, I can't talk to you.
Donna: Kelso, I'm gonna miss you trying to grab my boob... it makes me feel pretty. God, I'm sad.
[Eric catches his parents having sex, and they find out]
Kitty Forman: Red, say something.
Red Forman: It's more fun than it looks.
Fez: I have a question Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?
Steven Hyde: There's no such thing as too much, Fez.
Donna Pinciotti: [on the California beach] I miss Eric. That guy even looks like Eric.
Donna Pinciotti: Eric? Oh my God, Eric!
Eric: [Looking around Kelso's van, he turns sharp at Donna's voice] Donna!
[They run to each other in slow motion, Kelso tries to run along side Donna, but Donna pushes him down; they stop short of each other, just staring deeply into each other's eyes for a long moment and then... Kelso tackles Donna, wrestling her to the ground. Incredulous]
Eric: Kelso, what the Hell are you doing?
Michael Kelso: Winning!
[Donna gets free, stands up and kicks Kelso in the side, then returns to looking at Eric]
Donna Pinciotti: Eric... I can't believe you came for me.
Eric: Of course I did. Donna... Donna I love you. And I... I...
[he can't find the words]
Donna Pinciotti: [Steps forward and kisses him passionately]
Michael Kelso: You guys can smooch all you want, I totally won!
Red Forman: What are you going to put on your resume - dumbass?
Red Forman: Forman, party of two.
Restaurant Hostess: Okey dokey, that'll be about two hours.
Red Forman: Here's twenty bucks.
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we'll have something in fifteen minutes.
Red Forman: You don't want this place to burn down twice do you?
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we have something right now.
Red Forman: I thought so. Well, it looks like it's our lucky night.
Michael Kelso: [wearing Eric's pants] Well, the joke's on you, Eric. I'm wearing your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.
Eric: Kelso, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.
Michael Kelso: [pulling off pants] Well played.
Fez: I like my women like I like my wine - red and full of alcohol.
Jackie Burkhardt: Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.
Eric: Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.
Donna Pinciotti: Me too.
Steven Hyde: Hear hear.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?
Jackie Burkhardt: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
Steven Hyde: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.
Eric: [badly hungover] My head hurts.
Red Forman: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
[the guys are high in Eric's basement]
Steven Hyde: I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.
Michael Kelso: I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about.
Eric: Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it.
Kitty Forman: Why don't you try some of that forgiveness that Jesus talked so much about so much?
Red: [after Eric refused to be Donna's boyfriend again] Let me get this straight - Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said NO?
Eric: I said no.
Red: What the Hell is wrong with you?
Kitty Forman: Dumbass!
[Red looks at Kitty in surprise]
Eric: Look, I have my reasons, okay?
Red: What the Hell could they possibly be?
Eric: Casey dumps Donna and then Donna comes running back to ME? Look, I'm not a rebound, All right?
Red: You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athelete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!
Eric: [imitating Red] I say we torture them with plenty of pointless rules and advice.
Donna: If you keep stuffing your face like this your gonna get...
Jackie Burkhardt: Don't you dare say it, you bitch!
Pastor Dave: Ok, Laurie, let's see what you have.
Laurie Forman: [Laurie slowly puts three cards down one at a time while smiling and glaring at Dave]
Pastor Dave: Six... six... six... Oh, well thank you for the wonderful evening! I'll see you at church!
[referring to Eric's failing grades]
Fez: Crack a book, you lazy son-of-a-bitch.
Eric: What happened between you two?
Fez: Suffice to say that it involved a crowded parking lot, a half off sale and a pair of pants that made my ass look like an oil painting.
Fenton: If you mean old and cracked, I agree.
Fez: I'll see you in hell!
Fenton: I'll be wearing your pants!
Donna Pinciotti: You have the van. We want to go home.
Michael Kelso: Na-ah! I can't leave Annette. I love her.
Eric: No, you don't.
Michael Kelso: I love parts of her.
Kelso: Hi, I'd like an order of books, please.
Brooke: Could you be more specific?
Kelso: Could you be more beautiful?
Brooke: Could you be more lame?
Kitty Forman: All families are embarrassing. If they aren't embarrassing they're dead.
Red Forman: We're all gonna go to church and we're gonna have a damn nice Sunday.
Eric: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Red Forman: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you? is because you're a dumbass.
[Red stole Bob's Christmas lights]
Kitty Forman: Oh, my god. I married the Grinch. I'm Mrs. Grinch!
Fez: Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying "sorry I missed you".
Fez: Wow, my first X-rated movie. I don't know what's going on, but that is the luckiest pizza boy ever.
Red Forman: Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
Kitty Forman: I really doubt that she's jsut abandoning Stephen, I mean, she's his mother.
Eric: Mom, her exact words were "I know I'm your mother but I'm abandoning you."
Steven Hyde: [admitting to Jackie, after years of saying that he hated her] I love you.
[Steven hits Jackie's new boyfriend because he calls her a bitch]
Jackie Burkhardt: Steven, what happened?
Steven Hyde: What? Nothing... just... somebody and then... the guy said 'bitch' and there's nothing.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. He called me a bitch and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?
Steven Hyde: ...No?
Jackie Burkhardt: Liar. I AM the bitch. And you LOVE me.
Fez: Poor Hyde. You are in love with Donna and she's with your good friend Eric.
Steven Hyde: So what?
Fez: So it's the saddest story in the world.
Steven Hyde: You know what? I had a chance, and I didn't take it.
Fez: Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?
Eric: I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.
Steven Hyde: How long have you two been planning that line out?
Eric: For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.
[Kelso just found out about Eric being lame in the sack]
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, I told you about Eric so you could help him, not make fun of him.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, but it's hard to help someone and burn him at the same time.
[Jackie gives him a cold stare]
Michael Kelso: Oh, come on, Jackie, it's funny! I mean, he must have been really bad!
Jackie Burkhardt: So were you.
Michael Kelso: [gaping in horror] OK, I don't think you know what you're saying because you called me your "Apollo Rocket of Love."
Jackie Burkhardt: But the way I said it was
Jackie Burkhardt: "Oh, Michael, you my regular Apollo Rocket of Love."
Michael Kelso: OK, I'm not hearing a difference.
Michael Kelso: I miss Jackie, I can't eat, I can't sleep, well i can eat but...
[begins to cry]
Fez: [stares at kelso]
Steven Hyde: [stares at kelso]
Eric: [stares at kelso] Hey, what did we say, no crying in the circle
Michael Kelso: I can't help it.
Michael Kelso: I need to tell her i didnt mean to cheat on her and that im sorry. I know, I'll write her a song
Michael Kelso: [begins to play ukelae, really badly while singing]
Steven Hyde: Hey I kno how you can start it.
[begins to sing]
Steven Hyde: You don't love me anymore, caught me cheatin' with a whore. See cuz Laurie's the whore
Eric: My sister is such a whore
[begins to giggle]
Michael Kelso: [glares at hyde]
Kitty Forman: I'm sorry, Red, I saw this as my one chance to say 'Laurie got married' without having to add, 'And the baby came early.'
Fez: AH. This is tomorrow's school paper. Oh my god, on the front page, there's a picture of me kissing Kelso by the lake.
Eric: Fez why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?
Fez: We caught a fish, I was excited. I kissed the fish too, but of course they don't show you that.
Michael Kelso: Why would you just cuddle with her when you could do it? I mean, Forman, doing it is "it." That's why they call it "it." IT.
[Jackie is beating up Laurie after one insult too many]
Donna Pinciotti: Whatever happened to Zen?
Steven Hyde: Where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins.
Michael Kelso: Fez, the foundation of a good relationship is three little words: I don't know. What're you doing? I don't know. What're you thinking about? I don't know. Who's that under you? I don't know.
Donna Pinciotti: I like showing my butt. I like to show it and I like to shake it.
Red Forman: What the hell kind of restaurant is this? You got eight people singing happy birthday, and no one can bring my wife a damn salad.
Michael Kelso: Guys, I was making out with Pam Macy in the orchestra pit. And... the worst thing that could happen to a guy happened.
Fez: Ohhhh. Mr. Cooper came in to wash the floors?
Michael Kelso: No.
Steven Hyde: Fez, I think what Kelso meant to say was... the rabbit wouldn't come out of his hat.
Eric: The weasel wouldn't pop out.
Michael Kelso: OK, ENOUGH.
Eric: Oh, wait. There's a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.
Steven Hyde: That's a good one Forman.
Eric: I know, it just came to me.
Fez: Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants.
Michael Kelso: This can't be happening to me.
Fez: Oh, don't worry Kelso. I'm really sorry... SORRY YOU'RE NOT A MAN.
Jackie Burkhardt: You're coming over to my house tonight. And we're gonna... "study".
Michael Kelso: Come on. I never get to do anything fun.
Steven Hyde: God, you're dumb.
Michael Kelso: Well I guess that's why I gotta go "STUDY".
Eric: Kelso, I don't know if you should come over to dinner tonight.
Michael Kelso: Look, I know you think it's gonna be uncomfortable because I'm dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn't love the guy who's nailing his daughter.
Michael Kelso: What does he have that I don't? I mean, I have the three things women want: I'm hot and I'm smart.
Donna Pinciotti: That's two things you moron.
Michael Kelso: Nuh-uh, hot counts twice.
Kitty Forman: I have bad news. Midge left Bob.
Eric: Are you sure? I mean, she could just be lost in the backyard.
Eric: Donna can't be smarter than me because I'm the man, and that's just the way it is.
Kitty Forman: Well, I do better on tests than your father, but he's the one brave enough to kill spiders. And since we've been married how many tests have I taken? None. How many spiders have your father killed? Hundreds.
Eric: But, Mom... SPIDERS FREAK ME OUT.
Jackie Burkhardt: [on the phone] So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?
Fez: [besides Kelso on the phone, Fez is on the phone, and he's telling Kelso what to say] Say, "Yes, it is."
Michael Kelso: [Fez puts the phone by his ear] Yes it is.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?
Fez: [to Kelso] "Yes, I do."
Michael Kelso: [phone by his ear] Yes, I do.
Jackie Burkhardt: You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had a reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?
Fez: [to Kelso] "No, describe it to me."
Michael Kelso: [phone by ear] No, describe it to me.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well you know.
Fez: No, I don't know.
Jackie Burkhardt: MICHAEL!
Leo: [to Kitty in church] I love it here. You can sing as loud as you want. That dude wails away on the organ. That dude up there tells stories. It's almost a religious experience!
Red Forman: [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart]
Red Forman: I love my job.
Eric: I love you too, Dad.
Red Forman: Oh, Eric, stop being weird.
Eric: Thanks, Dad!
Eric: You're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee.
Michael Kelso: C'mon Eric, we never ask you for anything.
Eric: You guys ask me for everything.
Michael Kelso: So, what's one more thing?
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh my god, I told her that, it was me! I saved the day!
Jackie Burkhardt: So, Michael cheated on me with Laurie, and Laurie cheated on him! There is a God, and he's on MY SIDE!
Donna Pinciotti: You have to tell Kelso. If you don't, I will.
Jackie Burkhardt: Thank you, Donna! Thank you! Oh, thank you!
[she runs to the bathroom door]
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, I don't want to tell him!
[a crash is heard. Donna and Jackie goes out of the bathroom, they see Kelso passed out on the floor while Fez is slapping his face side to side]
Jackie Burkhardt: I think he knows.
Eric: [Kelso, Jackie, Donna and Eric are in a drive in movie. Donna and Jackie screams and hides in the car, then Kelso gets Erics attention, then Eric shoves his face back, then Jackie grabs Kelso face] Donna, it's just a movie.
[Donna gets up. Then Kelso and Jackie starts kicking them in the head while making out]
Eric: Do you want to sit somewhere else?
Donna Pinciotti: So bad.
[they try to get out of the car while Kelso and Jackie were still kicking them]
Donna Pinciotti: [when Eric wears a Chicago Bears jersey at a Green Bay Packer game] The Packers are like the Jedi. You're wearing a 'Go Darth Vader' jersey.
Fez: This suit is for leisure. But many times I wear it to get down to business.
Eric: It's amazing what one act of civil disobedience can do for a person.
Eric: [they're driving Kelso's cousin's car] Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?
Michael Kelso: Maybe he's, like, religious.
Steven Hyde: Didn't Sully get imprisoned for arson?
Michael Kelso: Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God too, Hyde.
Steven Hyde: Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo"?
Fez: Sully must love bingo.
Eric: All right. I'm starting to think this isn't Sully's car.
Michael Kelso: Then who's car is it?
[police siren wails]
[referring to that Thanksgiving's events]
Red Forman: You mean with that ungrateful daughter, our dumbass son, and that drunk foreign kid
Red Forman: it was better than last year.
Suzy Simpson: [on Fez coming on a "date" between her and Kelso] Michael, I thought it was going to be you, me, and a box of hot lead.
Michael Kelso: Well, now it's even better because it's you, me, and a box of hot Fez.
Eric: [on the new water heater] This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.
Red Forman: Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?
Eric: Because he had a smart mouth?
Red Forman: That's right.
[a guardian angel shows Eric how his prom would have been had he not kissed Donna]
Eric: I went to the prom with *Big Rhonda*?
[a guardian angel shows Eric how his life would be had he not kissed Donna]
The Angel: Oh, but it only gets better. Eric, I'm now going to show you your future. Next stop - the '80s!
["The Safety Dance" is heard]
Eric: What was that?
The Angel: You'll find out.
Michael Kelso: [shouts] Ooooh! Burn! That's a burn about a burn! That's a 2nd degree burn!
Eric: You know Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer.
Donna: No I couldn't. I want you. I need you.
Eric: Well, I never turn down a woman in need.
[wraps his arms around her]
Donna: You know, being here in you bed. On your... SpiderMan sheets. Makes me feel so Ready, so Willing.
Eric: Then call me Able.
Eric: Oh, a little mood music.
[turns on a clock radio. Romantic music about a dream plays while he kisses her]
Eric: [dissolve to Eric waking up alone in his bed] Damn.
Donna: [off camera] What's wrong?
Eric: [Eric screams] Aggh!
[Eric sees the real Donna kneeling next to his bed]
Eric: I mean... hey baby!
Donna Pinciotti: I love you, Eric.
Eric: I love... cake.
Eric: [in a later scene] Donna, it's just that... if I say it, and then we break up, what would I tell myself?
Donna Pinciotti: You could tell yourself you still have cake, we both know how much it means to you.
Eric: OK, I deserve that.
Jackie Burkhardt: Steven, do I really disgust you?
Steven Hyde: No. I disgust me because I'm supposed to be disgusted by you but I'm not.
Jackie Burkhardt: Me too! I mean, I like how scruffy you are.
Steven Hyde: Of course you do.
Leo: I saw a UFO once, man. It was just hanging there in the sky. Then it sent me a message, in big bright yellow letters. I told me I was gonna have a good year.
Steven Hyde: Leo, was this UFO at a football game?
Leo: Yeah, man! And the weird thing was, I was the only one freaking out about it!
[Hyde, Fez, and Kelso start to laugh]
Leo: Wait a minute. Good year? It was a terrible year, man!
Bob Pinciotti: [Bob has come over to the Foremans place after he cut down a tree that almost fell on Red] Red, I'm so sorry. It was an accident.
Red Forman: [Red's acting nice] I thought I never say this. I'm glad you're my friend.
Bob Pinciotti: Red, I thought I'd never say this, you smell nice.
Michael Kelso: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna Pinciotti: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Steven Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.
Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower.
Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life.
Steven Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger.
Michael Kelso: Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art.
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, I went on the pill.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You are going to be so popular.
[after setting the table for Thanksgiving dinner]
Kitty Forman: I feel like I'm forgetting something...
[the phone rings]
Kitty Forman: Oh, my God, I forgot your mom.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh my god. He called me a bitch, and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?
Steven Hyde: No.
Jackie Burkhardt: Liar. I am the bitch. And you love me.
[Eric's dream sequence during "A New Hope"]
Red as Obi: A Jedi's power lies within his own mi- are you even listening to me?
Eric as Luke: What? Yes. Um, you were saying, may the force be with me?
Red as Obi: No, I did not. Jedi knight. Jedi dumbass!
Eric: So Donna says David and her are just good friends. And if I don't believe that, um, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her.
Fez: Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean, they look so nice together.
Steven Hyde: See, this is why your country lost the war.
Fez: My country never fought a war.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, big surprise.
Donna Pinciotti: Excuse me Jackie, when did you lose your soul?
Jackie Burkhardt: Cheerleading camp.
Steven Hyde: That's the price you pay for docking your Love Boat in Jackie Vallarta.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my god. You all hate Laurie?
[the gang nods]
Jackie Burkhardt: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
Steven Hyde: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.
Michael Kelso: If you really do love her, there's only one thing to do, man. You gotta dump her and live free.
Jackie Burkhardt: Look, the sooner you realize I'm a genius, the better off we'll both be.
[on buying an economy car during the oil crisis]
Red Forman: The last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me.
Michael Kelso: I'm not shallow. I just judge women on their looks.
Eric: You know, Hyde, at first I thought your father was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirt bag and Father Of The Year.
Eric: Hey Hyde, this is a cool place for a party. It's already trashed.
Michael Kelso: If this van's a-rockin'... we're in there doing it.
[while being questioned by Canadian police]
Michael Kelso: If you call ham "Canadian bacon", what do you call bacon?
Michael Kelso: Girls must really like astronauts, 'cause it says here they get all the tang they want.
Eric: I got a B.
Red Forman: You couldn't get an A?
Kitty Forman: Aww honey, don't listen to him. You did super. And Steven, you did super duper.
Eric: Why does he get a duper?
Michael Kelso: Look, she's beautiful, she believes in me, and if I can get her to put out, it's 3 out of 3. Right now, it's 2 out of 3, and I'm sorry but 50% ain't gonna cut it.
[seeing a square dance]
Red Forman: It looks like 'Hee Haw' puked in here.
Kitty Forman: You kids change partners more than square dancers.
Red: Well, we got vandals in this town. I was driving home and I saw the water tower giving me the finger.
Laurie Forman: Vandals you say? Hmm, where were you last night, Eric?
Kitty Forman: Oh, can it, Laurie. Eric you look pale. Let me see your eyes.
[Eric just looks down]
Kitty Forman: Look at me.
[Eric looks at Kitty, imagining her she was naked after seeing his parents having sex]
Kitty Forman: Do you have fever?
Red: [Eric looks at Red, and he's imagining him naked, too] I know what you need. Right after breakfast, I want you to mow the lawn. The fresh air will do you good.
Kitty Forman: [the camera turns around back to Kitty. Kitty is still naked and she wipes something off her chest] Eric, is something bothering you?
Eric: [looking at Kitty and Red a couple more times] God, make it stop!
[leaves the table]
Red Forman: Threats aren't going to work, Kitty.
Kitty Forman: Every newspaper you'll be reading, every nap you'll be taking, every football game you'll be watching, I'll be there, talking, talking, talking, talking.
[about Eric's parents]
Donna Pinciotti: I can't believe they're pregnant.
Eric: I can't believe they're still doing it.
Eric: Yeah, I mean, when the empire killed Luke Skywalker's aunt and uncle, did he just call them up?
The others: Ahh, nooo...
Eric: No. He hopped on the Millenium Falcon, and he paid a little visit to the Death Star.
Kelso: Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.
Donna: How are you gonna do that?
Michael Kelso: By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.
Eric: So what are you gonna say?
Michael Kelso: Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.
Donna: Don't you think you should plan it out a little?
Michael Kelso: Does an astronaut plan out his missions?
Fez: What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?
Michael Kelso: Oh, you just wait and see.
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, if Donna's not gonna be here, neither am I.
Eric: Oh, Jackie, I'm sorry. What I meant was... BYE.
[on Valentine's day]
Kitty Forman: Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were 5, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face.
Kitty Forman: OK.
[Kitty and Red start leaving]
Red Forman: Kitty, that was bad.
Kitty Forman: I know, keep walking.
[Kitt and Red finally leave]
Eric: Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.
Fez: Who are you?
Rhonda: Fez, it's me Rhonda.
Fez: So do you want to have a hot-dog eating contest?
Rhonda: No. It's not kosher.
Fez: Who said?
Rhonda: [pointing to Jackie and Donna] They did.
Fez: Oh, really?
[turning to Donna and Jackie]
Fez: What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda?
Donna Pinciotti: I've got to tell you, Fez it was all Jackie's idea. She wouldn't let her pee.
Jackie Burkhardt: You said she was a sasquatch.
Donna Pinciotti: So did you.
Eric: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?
Red Forman: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.
[Eric has a dream sequence with Donna]
Eric: Look at me. I weigh 80 pounds. Do you know why I'm bald? It's because my body is eating its own hair.
Fez: Whenever I look at naked ladies, I get really tired. Then I get my second wind, and then I want to look at more naked ladies.
[Kelso just told Jackie a list of embarrassing things he's done in his life, in an effort to be honest]
Michael Kelso: Oh, and that time we were about to fool around, and you asked me if I washed my hands, I had just actually finished playing with six dogs. Oh, but that's not nearly as bad as the time...
Jackie Burkhardt: OK, Michael. Enough. You know when I talked to you about honesty? Let's talk about SELECTIVE honesty.
Fez: And basic hygiene.
Michael Kelso: Hey guys, guess what I got?
Steven Hyde: VD?
Michael Kelso: No. A hundred bucks.
Eric: So money to treat your VD.
[Michael on Eric]
Michael Kelso: How dumb was he to give me the car keys? I mean, who in here trusts me?
Fez: Not me.
Jackie Burkhardt: Not me.
Steven Hyde: Not me, man.
Michael Kelso: Thank you.
[Fez is interviewing for a job]
Nina: You're stubborn, under qualified and can barely speak English... Welcome to the DMV.
Rhonda: If I don't get a friggin' MandM, then I'm gonna start swingin'.
Fez: These after-school specials are thrilling. Who knew that one beer could turn a cheerleader into a whore?
Red Forman: When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun. But if you mix them, they can turn you into a dumbass.
Michael Kelso: It turns out, the key to winning Jackie's heart was in the last place I thought to look - my own brain.
Eric: She was drunk, in the middle of the afternoon. I mean, it was like Sue Ellen on 'Dallas'.
Kitty Forman: Bed checks, here we come.
Red Forman: Shh, Kitty, you're warning them.
Kitty Forman: I'm not warning anybody. Getting closer.
Bob Pinciotti: You know Red, that hurts.
Red Forman: So does a swift kick in the ass.
Bob Pinciotti: You know, Red, a kick in the ass isn't the solution to everything.
Red Forman: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disagree with that, Bob.
Red Forman: Penny, you're cold. Go get a sweater.
[Cousin Penny leaves]
Red Forman: Eric, do I have to tell you to stop staring at your cousin?
Eric: Mom, Dad, can Penny and I be alone for a minute?
Red Forman: No. I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.
Red Forman: Every single Price Mart stock-boy will be trained in the Red Forman way.
Eric: Oh, you mean by undermining their self-esteem until they're too weak to fight back?
Kitty Forman: Eric, your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strange lately.
Red Forman: Like a hippie.
Kitty Forman: Is there something you want to tell us?
Red Forman: Are you on dope? Are you?
Kitty Forman: Because we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization...
Red Forman: ...my foot kickin' your ass.
Red: Nothing around this house is cheap.
Eric: Except for Laurie.
Laurie Forman: I am not cheap!
Eric: Free, whatever.
Donna Pinciotti: You want my honest opinion, Jackie? Fine. You always try to get people to do what you want, and it's not going to work on Hyde.
Jackie Burkhardt: That's not true. Now, you take that back and feel sorry for me.
Red Forman: Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein.
Eric: [sarcastically] Gee, thank you daddy.
Michael Kelso: "Thank you"? Einstein was ugly.
Red Forman: What are you doing here?
Michael Kelso: The explanation is in the note.
Red Forman: [reading the note] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.
[Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room]
Red Forman: Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks.
[Gives Kelso the money]
Michael Kelso: Yeah, Hyde's in jail. Hey guys, do you think that he's anyone's girlfriend yet?
Fez: Kelso, he's been in there for three hours. Of COURSE he's someone's girlfriend.
Red Forman: [to Fez] Thanks for the help. You seem to have a natural talent for handling luggage.
Fez: Mrs. Forman, I'm sorry. I washed my face with your ovaries.
Ricky: Forman, who told you you could go on break?
Kitty Forman: I did.
Ricky: And who are you?
Kitty Forman: I'm his mother.
Ricky: Good enough.
Randy Pearson: [to Hyde, about Kelso] Your friend here might be pretty enough to pass off as Cher.
Michael Kelso: Yeah. That's not a bad idea, Andy Gibb!
[Red on Laurie and Michael]
Red Forman: This is how it starts, you know. First they're dating and having fun, and then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands.
Kitty Forman: Oh, honey. They're not going to get married. He'll leave her when she gets pregnant.
Red Forman: [to Steven] If you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard, your nose will bleed.
Kitty Forman: And we love you.
Michael Kelso: That team is cheating. The brown guy is a robot.
Kitty Forman: [to Michael] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
Michael Kelso: Yes, I was. And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it.
Red Forman: If the US government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass, you say, "Thank You. And God Bless America."
Fez: My gosh, Buddy. With a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores.
[Kitty wants to redecorate the basement]
Red Forman: This is going to be expensive, isn't it?
Kitty Forman: Maybe.
Red Forman: Don't you like anything cheap?
Kitty Forman: I like you.
Michael Kelso: If this is about maturity, I want nothing to do with it.
[Donna reads Hyde's elementary school profile]
Donna Pinciotti: Steven is destined to be one of the smartest people...
Steven Hyde: Nice.
Donna Pinciotti: ?in his cellblock.
[after Hyde makes a batch of special brownies]
Michael Kelso: One day, I'm gonna open a restaurant, and everything on the menu is gonna be special. So, when somebody comes in and says "Hey, Kelso, what's special on the menu?", I can say "Everything."
Frank: How can you give away your stuffing recipe? It's the one thing that we have that's better than everyone else's! Our house: crappier. Our son: crappier. Our stuffing: Better!
Steven Hyde: [to Donna] You know what's gonne make you feel better? A scrawny little neighbor boy.
Red Forman: Once again, an open bar spells disaster for the Foreman family.
Red Forman: Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah blah blah...
Steven Hyde: Hey Foreman, do you have any naked pictures of your Grandma?
Steven Hyde: Ha ha. You do now.
Donna Pinciotti: What is it about you that drives me wild with passion and desire?
Eric: Well, I am... seventeen now.
Steven Hyde: I've been living in the basement.
Eric: You know? I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor. I just wrote if off to my changing teenage body.
Eric: I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid, and worth hearing.
Red Forman: Well that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you run for Miss America.
Kitty Forman: Red, there are five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Red Forman: Kitty, I've got two stages: anger, and drinking.
Laurie Forman: You know Eric, hickeys lead to dirty things.
Red Forman: For God sakes. Don't let Donna suck your neck.
Michael Kelso: A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.
Eric: You smell great. What did you do?
Donna Pinciotti: I took a bath. I was thinking of you the whole time.
Eric: Hey I do the same thing in the shower.
Donna Pinciotti: What?
Red Forman: Damn kids today. They wouldn't know responsibility if it walked up and bit them in the ass.
[Fez kisses Jackie]
Donna Pinciotti: What was so good about it?
Jackie Burkhardt: Do you know like Fez talks he sometimes rolls his Rs? Well, that's what he did in my mouth.
Fez: Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?
Steven Hyde: Well, the beer is stronger. And as a result, their women look prettier.
Fez: Then let's HAUL ASS TO CANADA.
Michael Kelso: Jackie and I are back together.
Laurie Forman: I understand. But, do you want to see my appendix scar?
Michael Kelso: Once again... WHAT'S-HER-NAME AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER.
Red Forman: Eric, I thought I told you to wash up for dinner. I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.
Michael Kelso: What fun is it in being a girlfriend if you don't even have your own boobs to play with?
Red Forman: I've been working since I was sixteen. I fought in two wars. Hell, I've killed people. I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it...
Eric: That would be like looking at my mom and thinking, "Hey, baby. How ? ". I'm just going to stop right there.
Kitty Forman: I can't believe that any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames.
Michael Kelso: Don't freak out, but if I see a deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna shoot him.
Red Forman: Kelso, you fire that gun in this car, and I will pull over and kick your ass for an hour.
Michael Kelso: I wish there was a way I could give Jackie a thing. That wasn't actually the ring. You know? Like a, a test gift just to see what she would say, and if it went bad I could just walk away... Hey, am I talking in rhyme? I wish I could do that all the time.
Kelso: Guys - I just saw a UFO!
Steven Hyde: What an unbelievable coincidence! I was just telling Fez about how dumb you are!
Michael Kelso: [Kelso comes into the basement wearing a pair of goggles] Try hurting my eye now!
[Hyde kicks him in the shin]
Steven Hyde: [drawing a correlation with Kelso thinking he saw a UFO] Kelso, do you remember that time you thought you saw the abominable snowman?
Steven Hyde: And what did it turn out to be?
Kelso: [not getting Hyde's point] Just a regular snowman...
Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, sex is how we control men. If they know we like it as much as they do, we'll never get jewelry again.
Donna Pinciotti: Mom, when you and dad got into an argument, did you ever... You know...
Midge Pinciotti: What?
Donna Pinciotti: Well, have you ever... Stopped having sex with dad in order to win an argument?
Midge Pinciotti: You can do that?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, but...
Midge Pinciotti: You mean that if I stop having sex with your father, he'll paint the bathroom?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, but aren't you worried about how it can hurt the relationship?
Midge Pinciotti: Blah, blah, blah. I don't care. I'm getting my bathroom painted.
Red: [Red has a dream that he dies, and nobody shows up for his funeral]
Red: Where is everybody? Where are all my friends?
Kitty Forman: You don't have any friends, honey. I'm afraid it's a side effect of... telling people to stick it in their butts.
[Eric and Donna are dressing, after having sex]
Eric: You know Donna, you're a great study buddy. You make studying fun.
[Eric wants to impress Donna, so he gets her name tattooed on his butt by Leo]
Leo: Dude, Debby is gonna be real happy about this.
Eric: Who's Debby?
Leo: Hello? Your girlfriend, Debby? Jesus...
Eric: Leo, her name is Donna.
Leo: Oh... I can fix that.
Eric: Guys, I can't think Penny is hot. I mean, she's my cousin. That's like thinking my mom's... Whoa, I'm gonna stop right there.
Fez: I thought that about your mother, but I didn't stop there.
Red Forman: What the hell happened?
Steven Hyde: Eric made out with Laurie's friend.
Red Forman: Anything else?
Fez: Your son is a whore.
Kitty Forman: [about her mother] Dad, what is wrong with that woman?
Burt: Don't worry sweetheart. Her screaming at you means she loves you and understands you're going through a hard time. Just like her smashing your golf clubs means "Happy Anniversary".
Kitty Forman: My parents are coming tomorrow.
Red Forman: Oh, crap.
Kitty Forman: Red.
Donna Pinciotti: What's wrong with them.
Kitty Forman: It's a complicated situation.
Eric: Grandma yells, grandpa drinks.
Red: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.
[Leo just fired Fez from the PhotoHut]
Fez: But how am I supposed to pay for my shoes?
Leo: Just do what I do, man. Take money from the register when the boss isn't looking.
Steven Hyde: Leo... Once again... You are the boss.
Leo: And, I'm not looking.
[Hyde gives Fez the money]
Red Forman: Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass.
Donna Pinciotti: Why does your dad want to ruin my dad's barbecue?
Eric: Well, my dad thinks that if your dad's barbecue is better than his, the russkies are gonna take over the planet.
[Eric took blame for Donna's smoking in school]
Donna Pinciotti: So how'd your parents react?
Eric: Surprisingly, not so good. It turns out that Red has a temper.
Donna Pinciotti: Do you think Eric could cheat on me with Shelley?
Michael Kelso: Donna, Shelley's a tramp. No guy could ever turn down a tramp.
Donna Pinciotti: Oh, my god. Is that true?
Steven Hyde: I don't know. Let's find out. Laurie, have you ever been turned down?
Laurie Forman: No.
Steven Hyde: See?
Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, are you OK?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah.
Jackie Burkhardt: How can you be OK? There's a college *woman* sleeping in Eric's bed.
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, Eric's sleeping in the basement.
Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, stairs can't stop a high school horn dog. Barbed wire can't stop a high school horn dog. A wall of fire can't stop a high school horn dog.
Fez: Hey, guys. I was just showing Caroline the backseat of my Vista Cruiser.
Steven Hyde: Fez, that's not your car.
Jackie Burkhardt: Yeah, Fez. Foreigners aren't allowed to drive cars in this country, unless it's a cab.
Steven Hyde: Hold on, Kelso. Suddenly, you're too mature to go cruising for chicks with us, and you're going to the mall with Jackie?
Michael Kelso: Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, I've come to realize that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with.
Steven Hyde: [about Kelso's shirt being in Laurie's room] Say, how'd THAT get there?
Michael Kelso: [trying to cover his affair with Laurie] That's funny. No - This isn't even mine! Yeah, this must be ERIC'S shirt.
Jackie Burkhardt: Your mom sewed your name in it, Michael.
Michael Kelso: Man, Eric's going to be pissed, huh? Yeah, 'cause I borrowed Eric's shirt 'cause mine wasn't working right. And then my mom must've sewed my name in it.
Jackie Burkhardt: Hum, I don't know, Michael...
Michael Kelso: Jackie, if I were lying I'd come up with a lot better lie than that.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, you'd think so.
Michael Kelso: Here, let me get that. Pregnant women should never stand on their tippy-toes, or else the baby will come out all cross-eyed.
Kelso's Date: [Looking at photos of Kelso's newborn daughter] Wow, she's even cuter than you.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, she wishes.
Michael Kelso: It's a girl!
[takes out pictures]
Michael Kelso: Here, look.
Donna Pinciotti: Aw, she's adorable! What's her name?
Michael Kelso: Betsy.
Jackie Burkhardt: [gasps in horror] A fat girl's name!
Michael Kelso: Hello, sir. My name is Michael Kelso. I am about to do things of a sexual nature with your daughter. And although she does these things - with everybody - I now have a newfound respect for women, seeing as I have a daughter myself. Out of wedlock. Don't worry, I'm no longer with the mother. I just came by to seek out your blessing, so I may continue to pleasure your daughter again and again. Thank you for your time.
Jackie Burkhardt: [about Hyde] What he needs is a kick in the nads.
Kitty Forman: It's the holidays, we say 'sleigh bells'.
Michael Kelso: [Michael arrives at the door to pick up Laurie for a date] Hello, Mrs. Forman. I'm here to pick up your daughter for our date.
Steven Hyde: Man, you're dating Laurie?... That's not "going where no man has gone before"; that's going where *every* man has gone before.
Kitty Forman: Steven, it's not nice to be so... truthful.
KISS Alarm Clock (on sale at Price Mart): I wanna Rock and Roll All Night, and... WAKE UP... every day!
Donna Pinciotti: Oh, my god what is she doing here? She could ruin everything.
Eric: Oh, don't worry. She isn't here today as a math teacher who's failing me. No, she's here today as a cradle robbing slut.
Steven Hyde: I got busted for possession.
Leo: Join the club.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, thanks.
Leo: No, I mean join the club, man. We meet every Thursday. We're trying to raise money for a field trip to Amsterdam.
Fez: I wonder what's up with Jackie. She looks scared... like a deer in the headlights caught with its pants down.
Michael Kelso: I've heard of 'kissing cousins', but have you ever heard of 'doin' it' cousins?
Michael Kelso: Your soul is like an appendix. I don't even use mine.
Red Forman: Oh and uh, here's a 20.
Laurie Forman: Will that cover for gas?
Kitty Forman: Oh well, honey, give her another 10 just in case.
Eric: You know, I could use some gas money.
Red Forman: [laughs] Yeah... and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump it's ass when it hops.
Eric: Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?
Kelso: A collector never stops collecting, Eric.
Leo: Hey man, you missed your shift at the Photo Hut. You better have a damn good excuse.
Steven Hyde: I got busted.
Leo: Damn. That's a good excuse.
Red Forman: Do you know how they treat their criminals in Russia? First offense, five years in Siberia. Second offense, ten years. Believe you me, there is no third offense.
Kitty Forman: Unless the criminal likes to make snow angels.
Jackie Burkhardt: Man, I just totally forgot why I was laughing. Isn't that funny?
Eric: Okay... no more for the cheerleader.
Steven Hyde: You know what your problem is? You're really cute, but nobody ever told you to shut your piehole.
Jackie Burkhardt: You think I'm cute?
Steven Hyde: SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE.
Red Forman: Bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm going to...
Eric: ...kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah yeah...
Donna Pinciotti: Dammit, Kelso. You don't french the bride.
[Eric catches Jackie and Hyde]
Jackie Burkhardt: It's just a meaningless fling, okay? We can stop whenever we want.
Eric: Well, then maybe you should.
Jackie Burkhardt: Why do you even care?
Eric: BECAUSE YOU'RE BREAKING UP THE BAND, YOKO.
[the guys go to a wrestling match]
Steven Hyde: Hey, can we get a move on? If I miss that 20 midget free for all, I'm gonna be super-pissed.
Fez: Look, my first snowball. I love snow so much, my fingers are numb with joy.
[after finding out that Eric kissed another girl]
Donna: Why'd you do it?
Eric: Well, I have it on pretty good authority that I'm a dumbass.
Bob Pinciotti: uh-heh
Red Forman: OK, Bob, What is it?
Bob Pinciotti: I'm just curious. What's the word on that Hyde kid?
Red Forman: Steven? He's a little rebellious, just needs some direction.
Bob Pinciotti: Apparently he's getting it, Red. I kind of walked into your living room and he and Kitty were in some sort of provocative embrace. I think he's putting the moves on your wife.
Red Forman: Ooh my God. Now I've gotta kill him. Get your deer rifle, Bob.
Bob Pinciotti: H... Hold on Red. I... I... I could have been mistaken.
Red Forman: You know what you saw. Get the damn gun.
[Red on young people]
Red Forman: Get a job, HA. It's just party all night, dance all day, and sex everywhere in between.
Eric: Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male of the herd grunt his displeasure. But what does it mean?
Steven Hyde: The grunting indicates aggression, Jim.
Red Forman: Idiots.
Jackie Burkhardt: Why won't Steven love me? I wish my daddy could buy him for me...
Kitty Forman: How's it going?
Red Forman: Real good. The foreign kid just ate something off the floor.
Michael Kelso: Laurie... yeah, me and her really had something, huh?
Steven Hyde: Yeah, ointment took care of that though, right?
Eric: Look at the symptoms... temperamental behavior, mood swings, facial hair... Uh oh, Dad, I think you have menopause.
Eric: Laurie was born with a tail!
[Fez and Hyde look disgusted; Laurie looks horrified and humiliated]
Laurie Forman: I hate you!
[runs away crying]
Red Forman: Steven, I've come to think of you as a son. So I want to give you some honest, heart-felt advice. Get your head out of your ass.
Jackie Burkhardt: I'd like to pop that inflatable bitch and watch her fly around the room!
Steven Hyde: At parties like this Fez, you collect the leftovers of all the unfinished drinks, and combine them to form on giant, uber-drink. In this case,a Tom Wallbanger Bloody Sunrise on the Beach.
Eric: What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?
Jackie Burkhardt: I'm pregnant.
Donna Pinciotti: [outside. Donna is playing basketball with Eric. She runs and makes a shot, then she tosses the ball to Eric, which it hits his head, then he turns] Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?
Eric: Ok, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you promise you're not going to tell anybody else.
Donna Pinciotti: Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.
Eric: Not here.
[they run in the car]
Eric: [no audio] Jackie's pregnant.
[Donna makes a shocking face]
Michael Kelso: Look, Jackie, I don't really know how to say this but... I don't want your stupid stuffed animals in my van.
[Jackie gasps and exits]
Michael Kelso: No, wait, Jackie! I didn't say *you're* stupid. Just all the stuff you like!
Kitty Forman: [after throwing away Kelso's electronic football game] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
Kelso: Yes! And until now, everyone else had the good grace not to mention it!
[shoves his head in his pillow, reminiscent of a five-year-old]
Eric: Hey dad. You coming back inside?
Red Forman: Eric, I love your grandmother very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her.
Eric: Did I mention that I'm in there rubbing her feet?
Red Forman: Eric, sometimes you got to play through the pain.
Red Forman: I don't know. Just, get back in there.
[Bob's Christmas decorations are so bright and loud they wake up Red and Kitty]
Kitty Forman: It's the Russians.
Steven Hyde: Looks like Shelley has a thing for Foreman.
Fez: Yes, and Foreman has a thing for Shelley. And it's in his pants.
Donna Pinciotti: I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me like, slut rabies.
Leo: Ok, guys. I don't have any beer. I hate alcohol, and I won't have it in my house. So, we're gonna have to drink sake instead.
Fez: Caroline, I have to break up with you.
Caroline: Why? Don't say it's because I'm crazy. I'm not crazy.
Fez: No... um... it's because... Donna and I are in love.
Jackie Burkhardt: Ewww...
Fez: Please tell her, Donna... Please?
Donna Pinciotti: [whispers] What if she tries to kill me?
Fez: You're a giant, you can take her.
Jackie Burkhardt: Don't pity me because I'm beautiful.
Donna Pinciotti: I pity you because you're dumb.
Steven Hyde: Jackie, I am really, really sorry and I'll never do it again.
Jackie Burkhardt: [Jackie looks at him with tears in her eyes ] You know, that's just what Michael used to say.
[Eric wants to propose to Donna]
Michael Kelso: Forman, I'm saying this to you, as a friend who likes to see you get hurt. Don't do it.
Michael Kelso: Jackie, when you told me to be honest, I decided that I'm gonna be completely honest. I'm going to tell you the truth about everything I've ever lied to you about. I have a list that Hyde helped me put together. Thanks again, Hyde.
Steven Hyde: [grinning] No problem, buddy.
Jackie Burkhardt: Ok, but, why are they here?
Michael Kelso: Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out, that it's not completely honest, unless your friends are allowed to watch.
[Jackie and Donna need something that's in Kelso's room, so they sneak in at night]
Michael Kelso: [wakes up] Jackie? Donna?
[Jackie and Donna freeze]
Michael Kelso: Is this a dream?
Jackie Burkhardt: Uhh, yeah, Michael. This is a dream.
Michael Kelso: Are we gonna do it?
Jackie Burkhardt: Uhh, yes, Michael. We're gonna do it.
Michael Kelso: Ok. Donna first.
Red Forman: I'm glad he's in prison for bribery. People like him give a bad name to Republicans.
Eric: Yeah, all the honest ones, like Richard Nixon.
[Everybody moves away from Eric]
Red Forman: What did you just say?
Eric: Uhh... I said Nixon was framed, and Kennedy was a commie?
Red Forman: Damn right.
[Kelso is clumsy with a gun]
Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, careful with that.
Michael Kelso: Don't worry, guns don't just go off by accident.
Donna Pinciotti: What about Eric's hamster in fourth grade?
Eric: Oh, no, my hamster went upstate to live with a new family upstate. Right?
[Nobody says anything]
Eric: Oh, my god. You killed my hamster.
Michael Kelso: It wasn't my fault. The gun went off by accident.
Fez: Guys, I'm in pain.
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, I know, Fez. It hurts when a girl you like ignores you.
Fez: No. I mean I kissed her, and now I am in PAIN.
Donna Pinciotti: Eww.
Red Forman: So, you mean, we met by you bumping into my ass?
Kitty Forman: I guess so.
Red Forman: Ok, but if Eric asks, I punched out a marine, defending your honor.
Kitty Forman: And, I wasn't drunk, I was reading for the blind.
Red Forman: Deal.
[Jackie's dad got arrested]
Red Forman: Look, Jackie. I don't what to say except... your dad's rich, isn't he?
Jackie Burkhardt: Yeah.
Red Forman: Well, you can use that to get him out of prison.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my god. That's such a good idea. I'll do that. You know, it's true. In this country, the rich get treated better than most people.
Red Forman: Yeah.
Red Forman: I'm so glad I took some shrapnel to make that possible...
Jackie Burkhardt: Me too.
Jackie Burkhardt: I want Michael to give me that stupid promise ring.
Fez: Look, Jackie, Kelso is very sensitive.
Steven Hyde: Girlish, even.
Fez: So, he just wants to wait for the right time to give it to you.
Jackie Burkhardt: You know what, Fez? You're right. I'll give him time.
Jackie Burkhardt: WHERE'S MY RING, YOU IDIOT?
[Jackie's dad got arrested]
Jackie Burkhardt: Steven. I can't believe it. Why can't you say anything to make me feel better?
Steven Hyde: Ok, I'm sorry. Why don't you get your dad a couple of cartons of cigarettes. That way, he won't be anybody's wife.
[Jackie starts leaving]
Steven Hyde: Jackie, come on. My mom said that to me when MY dad got arrested. I felt better, and we had a good laugh about it.
Steven Hyde: Look, Forman, if you give Donna that ring, she'll see the girl inside of you. And, you don't want to wake Erica up.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, Erica. That's classic. I'm lucky. You can't make a girl name out of Michael.
Steven Hyde: Oh, really, Michelle?
Michael Kelso: Damn it. I forgot about Michelle. But, you know what, Forman? You should get Donna that promise ring. I'm gonna give one to Jackie too.
Eric: Thank you, Kelso. Let's go get them, right now.
[Eric and Kelso start leaving]
Eric: See you later... Damn it. What's a girl name for Hyde?
[Eric and Kelso start thinking]
Steven Hyde: It's Heidi, you morons.
[Kelso invited Hyde and Fez to Jackie's party behind her back]
Jackie Burkhardt: Hyde? Fez?... MICHAEL.
Michael Kelso: Oh good, it's Hyde, Fez, and Michael.
Fez: Look at this, Jackie brings four different types of mascara just to please Kelso. And what does Kelso bring? Another woman.
Kitty Forman: You know I love my family. But sometimes, I just want to get in my car and run them all over.
Michael Kelso: I ate a piece of gum off a parking meter once. It was on a dare. I made a dollar. Man, there are some suckers out there.
Red Forman: [to Eric] Happy Birthday. You know, the lawn's not gonna cut itself.
Michael Kelso: [Reading off a small box] A UNICEF contribution of thirteen cents will feed a child for a month. Man, living in Africa must be great. Everything's so cheap.
[Red watches Tv]
Red Forman: Aw, Gilligan screwed it up. Why don't they just kill him?
Steven Hyde: We got food, we got beer, we have zero percent adult supervision... welcome to Camp Naughty Bad Fun.
[Kitty presents the Thanksgiving turkey]
Kitty Forman: Ok, who likes dark meat?
Fez: Hey, who doesn't? Am I right ladies?
Donna Pinciotti: So, how many things around here have you put your butt on?
Michael Kelso: Let's start with what I haven't put my butt on.
Fez: Oh Eric, you do not buy soda. You only rent it...
[Eric just glares at him]
Fez: ...You know what I mean...
[Eric continues to stare at him]
Fez: ...I mean you pee it out.
Fez: We've been here for like 2 hours, and we've only moved like two feet.
Michael Kelso: If you think the lines at the DMV are long, you should see the free clinic. Now there's a wait.
Kitty Forman: [at church fundraiser] Ok, I have jobs for everyone. Red, you can run the raffle.
Red Forman: I'm your man.
Kitty Forman: Don't yell at the customers.
Red Forman: I'm... kinda your man.
Kitty Forman: And smile.
Red Forman: You need another man.
Red Forman: [looking in bag of pot] Is this what I think it is?
Michael Kelso: If you mean paprika, then yes, sir!
Kitty Forman: Honey, paprika is red.
Michael Kelso: If you mean green paprika, then yes, sir!
Jackie Burkhardt: Let's go Michael. To a place where our love is understood.
Eric: Oh, and while you're there, check out the new monkey house.
Pastor Dave: Say, "God's Magic Circle"... that sounds like an Eric Clapton song. Right, kids?
Steven Hyde: Hey, Red. You have to sign this card for me.
Red Forman: It says you're failing gym.
Steven Hyde: Yeah.
Red Forman: Why the hell are you failing gym?
Steven Hyde: Because I wouldn't wear shorts?
Red Forman: Why not?
Steven Hyde: Would you wear shorts?
[Red signs the card]
[Donna is dating Michael's brother]
Eric: I got two words for you. Donna Kelso.
[Donna walks away, angry]
Eric: Come on. Think of the children. Little red headed morons.
Fez: Guys, Rhonda said she wanted to share something with me, tonight. That means we are going to do it.
Steven Hyde: Nice.
Fez: But, I have a problem. I have no place to do it in. I need someplace cheap and roomy... just like my Rhonda.
Red Forman: Eric, if your mother wants you and Archie and Jughead to help her, then you'll help her.
Michael Kelso: [to Steven] You're Jughead.
Steven Hyde: You're so Jughead, its not even debatable.
Michael Kelso: You are so...
[Steven punches Michael]
Red Forman: Steven, stop hitting Jughead.
Eric: Fez, I know you've spoken English for only a few weeks, now. But could you have learned the phrase 'Don't tell my Dad?" 'Don't' being the contraction for do not and 'tell my Dad' meaning SHUT UP?
Fez: See, right there you told me NOT to shut up. It's a wonder you're not failing English, too. Crack a book, you lazy son of a bitch.
Kelso: So! Jackie. You wanna go see Star Wars tonight?
Jackie Burkhardt: God, Michael, I told you. I don't like space.
Kelso: Jackie, if we're gonna start our relationship over, you gotta meet me halfway, honey!
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, maybe I wanna do something else tonight.
Kelso: Like what?
[He stares at her until realization sinks in]
Kelso: God, Jackie! We can do that for the rest of our lives! Star Wars is a limited engagement!
Michael Kelso: Laurie, what's going on? You're acting like you're liking me, and that's weird.
Laurie Forman: Like I told you, Kelso. I'm bored.
Michael Kelso: Well, that's very flattering.
Steven Hyde: Look man, I gotta talk to you about some things that happened while you were gone this summer.
Michael Kelso: Hyde, if this isn't about free ice cream, naked volleyball or a dog wearing a hat and sunglasses, I'd rather not know.
Rhonda: I may not be popular, but if given the chance, I'll put out something fierce.
[the guys go to see 'Star Wars']
Steven Hyde: Hey, Forman. This movie better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm gonna be super-pissed.
[Fez on Big Rhonda]
Fez: I know that I just met her Mr. Red, but I love her. She is... sturdy. I want to climb her.
Donna Pinciotti: Just because a guy wants to pay attention to me, does not mean he wants to see me naked.
Eric: OH, GROW UP.
Donna Pinciotti: Is that why you pay attention to me?
Eric: OF COURSE... not. Of course not. I love your mind. That's the thing I love.
Ms. McGee: Good night. I apologize if my being here upset you.
Kitty Forman: I just feel that you being seen out with a student, it's just bad principle.
Michael Kelso: Oh, he doesn't care. He's dating a cheerleader.
Michael Kelso: So Jackie, do you wanna go see 'Star Wars' tonight?
Jackie Burkhardt: Now Michael, I told you. I don't like space.
[Midge left Bob]
Bob Pinciotti: I don't get it. She didn't give me any sign, any warning.
Donna Pinciotti: Dad, she kept saying "I'm unhappy and I'm going to leave".
Bob Pinciotti: Donna, that's just something married people say.
Eric: She's the woman, I'm the man. I have to do better on that test.
Kitty Forman: Don't worry if Donna's smarter than you. I'd take a dummy over a jackass any day.
Eric: Which one am I?
Kitty Forman: Well, honey, right now you're both.
Kitty Forman: Honey, Michael may have an incredible built and movie-star good looks. But, you're much smarter.
Eric: Why didn't you say that when everyone was around?
Kitty Forman: Well, I didn't want anybody to feel bad.
Eric: Good job.
[Donna, Jackie, Laurie and Ms. McGee are smoking up]
Donna Pinciotti: You know, I just realized that I'm the only one here who hasn't been with Kelso. I just have two things to say- EWWW and THANK GOD.
Jackie Burkhardt: Your mom can't hang out with Donna. Don't you know what women talk about when they're alone?
Eric: Sugar and spice and everything nice?
Jackie Burkhardt: That's what we're made of, you dumbass.
Red Forman: [to Hyde] You know all that rent money you've been giving us? I've been putting it all in a bank account for your college fees... or bail.
Eric: Leo, you sell promise rings?
Leo: Yeah, man. I sell rings and... other stuff.
Eric: Ohh... We'll take two promise rings, and a misdemeanor's worth of the other stuff.
[the day after Eric dumped Donna]
Donna Pinciotti: That's all you have to say to me? "Hey"?
Eric: Well, what do you want me to say?
Donna Pinciotti: I want you to say "Hey". Dillhole.
Eric: Oh, yeah? Well, DOUBLE DILLHOLE.
Eric: [to himself] Double dillhole?...
Eric: Did you tell anybody we're engaged?
Donna Pinciotti: Yes, Eric, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged.
Eric: Ok, no need to be sarcastic.
Donna Pinciotti: No, seriously, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged.
Rhonda: Relax. We're all part of the gang.
Jackie Burkhardt: No, no, no. *You're* not part of this gang. You can't be a part of this gang. I had to kiss butt for a year to be a part of this gang.
Fez: That was you being *nice*?
Eric: Okay, I just want to tell you that this play will be done like always. That means that all of your ideas, while interesting, are stupid.
Eric: No unicorns.
Eric: No lifeguards.
Eric: No wise women.
Eric: No spacemen. Now, we need the wise men. Anybody got any suggestions.
[Kelso raises his hand]
Eric: Kelso, I swear to god, if you say "Space Wisemen" I will kick you in the head.
[Kelso lowers his hand]
Jackie Burkhardt: [points to Rhonda] Michael, why am I not in the loop? Why is she in the loop?
Michael Kelso: Uhh... Jackie, I don't know what loop it is you're talking about. But, if she's in it, I don't think there's any room for you.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, how come she has a key and I don't have one?
Michael Kelso: Well... Uhh... It's not because nobody wants you to have one. That's for sure.
Steven Hyde: Ma, I'm going to the prom.
Edna Hyde: THEY'RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU.
Steven Hyde: Gee, ma, you're making the moment too damn special.
Steven Hyde: So, Bud, can we have a keg party here?
Bud Hyde: Yeah... sure. I'm cool with it. That's me... cool dad...
Michael Kelso: Yeah. Bud's the coolest.
Eric: Yeah, Bud.
Eric: Would you be my dad?
Eric: No, really.
Eric: No, I'm serious.
Jackie Burkhardt: If somebody doesn't tell me I'm cute in the next five minutes, my head will explode.
Jackie Burkhardt: Ok, Donna, I got us a double date.
Donna Pinciotti: Who?
Jackie Burkhardt: [points to table] Firemen.
Donna Pinciotti: They're, like, 40 years old.
Jackie Burkhardt: So, what? Don't ruin this for me, Donna. This is just like my play.
[drags Donna to table]
Jackie Burkhardt: This is my friend Donna. She's just being a wet blanket.
Fireman #1: So, what do you girls do?
Donna Pinciotti: Oh, you know... WE'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Fireman #2: Okay... What are your interests?
Donna Pinciotti: Oh, you know... HIGH SCHOOL GUYS.
Red Forman: Bud, being a teenager is like being in a war. One minute, you're crawling around blind. Next minute, you get your foot blown off.
Bud Hyde: I wouldn't know anything about that. Never been to war. I was a conscientious.
[Red looks at him menacingly]
Bud Hyde: Uhh... Canadian.
Fez: There's a tornado coming. Oh my god, I'm going to die a virgin.
Rhonda: ...Not if I have anything to say about it.
Fez: You can talk all you want, there's a tornado coming.
[Everybody's going bowling]
Fez: Do I have to use the pink ladies' ball again?
Steven Hyde: Fez, Fez, Fez. You know the answer to that question.
Fez: [frustrated] Pink ladies' ball until I lose my virginity.
[At a bowling alley]
Michael Kelso: [picks up two bowling balls] Hey, guys, I got 10 pound balls.
Fez: [picks up two balls] Hey, guys, my balls have holes in them.
[everybody stares at Fez]
Fez: Now why was that not funny?
Coach Ferguson: Well, well. Mr. Hyde, in school after hours? What are you trying to establish an alibi?
Steven Hyde: Coach Ferguson. Shouldn't you be out teaching boys to play with balls?
Michael Kelso: Hey, guys, look! I have ten pound balls! That never gets old.
Fez: Hey, guys! My balls are black and blue!
Eric: Good one!
Steven Hyde: Niiice!
Michael Kelso: Funny.
Fez: Wow. My balls are finally funny!
Michael Kelso: A GOOD girlfriend accepts her guy no matter what. Now, Jackie was always trying to change me.
Michael Kelso: Grow up, Michael! Act your age, Michael! Stop shooting grandma with the water pistol, Michael!
Jackie Burkhardt: She's 92, Michael.
Michael Kelso: She had JAM on her FACE!
Michael Kelso: [the gang is trying to eavesdrop on the parents' conversation reacting to Donna and Eric's engagement] Hey, I'll go spy on them, I just gotta run home real quick and change into my ninja outfit.
Eric: I don't think this situation calls for camouflage, Kelso.
Michael Kelso: Well, it doesn't mean it's not fun to wear, ERIC!
Eric: [Eavesdropping through the glass door on the parents' discussion about the news of Donna and Eric's engagement] I'm trying to read Red's lips, but I can't make it out - he keeps calling me a stupid duck.
[pause until he figures it out]
Michael Kelso: [to Fez, who has been prejudiced against] Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are gonna judge you on the color of your skin or your funny accent or that girly little way you run. But you know what? You're not alone. Why do you think the martians won't land here? 'Cause they're green, and they know people are gonna make fun of them!
Kitty Forman: Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember now, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow who never calls a child 'dumbass.'
Steven Hyde: Yeah, I'm going to go... bird watching with my girlfriend.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, me and Jackie are going to go "BIRDWATCHING", too.
[laughs and points at Red and Kitty]
Michael Kelso: It's cool 'cause they don't know what we're talking about.
[Red and Kitty stare at him]
Steven Hyde: I think they cracked it.
[about an attractive new cashier at Price Mart]
Steven Hyde: Forman, you have a responsibility to all of us. You have to find out what's under that smock.
Michael Kelso: I bet it's boobs.
[Kitty enters as Eric and Donna are holding hands]
Eric: Hey, it's my mom.
Kitty Forman: You two make me sick.
Eric: And she's talking like my dad.
Leo: Hi, Red. Would you give these to Kitty, please?
[hands Red flowers]
Leo: Oh, and tell her I love her. Thanks.
Red Forman: Oh, Kitty. These are for you. Looks like you got a date with a stoner.
[Red and Kitty laugh]
Kitty Forman: [takes flowers and reads attached note] "Roses are red, violets are blue. Milk, eggs, coffee."
Steven Hyde: Hey, Fez, do you happen to have my money?
Fez: Actually, I do happen not to have your money.
Steven Hyde: Oh, really? Well, until you do...
[grabs candy away from Fez and starts eating it]
Fez: My candy... Oh, you'll get your money... IN HELL.
Kitty Forman: I want to have a baby.
Red Forman: You still got Eric. He's kinda like a baby. I can make him cry if you want to.
[Kitty has menopause]
Red Forman: [to Eric] Quick, I need a wet towel and a Bloody Mary.
[Eric stares at him]
Red Forman: Your mother is talking about adopting a communist orphan. HURRY, DAMMIT.
Steven Hyde: Face it, Forman, Donna has bad taste. I mean, look at her dad. The apple doesn't fall far from the Bob.
Donna Pinciotti: I don't get Eric. Why won't he wear that ring? A lot of classy men wear rings. The Pope does. My uncle Carmine in Hoboken does. You lose his ring, you wind up in a dumpster. And that's just a warning.
Jackie Burkhardt: Being a model was my and Michael's dream... for me.
[cut to a scene of Jackie imagining being a model and then back to reality]
Eric: Hmmm... In your fantasy you're a model, and Kelso's... not there. In reality Kelso's a model, and you sell cheese. Interesting...
Kitty Forman: Ok, I need two people with keen feminine sensibilities to decorate Steven's party... so it's Jackie... and Fez.
Jackie Burkhardt: Come on Fez, let's go.
[Fez and Jackie leave]
Donna Pinciotti: What the hell does she mean? I'm feminine. I oughta kick her ass for that...
[There's a live firecracker, and they have to get it]
Michael Kelso: Ok, Forman, you go get it.
Eric: Why me?
Michael Kelso: Because you're the skinniest one here. If anything blows up, you're the least likely get stuff fly at you.
Eric: Yeah... But if you go it would be better. I mean, who would be surprised if you blew yourself up?
Michael Kelso: Good point...
Red Forman: Michael Kelso scored higher than you on the test? This is the kid I saw super-glue his hand to his face.
Eric: Everything costs money. Gas. Food. Parties. Fun.
Michael Kelso: Dates. Dates cost money.
Fez: No, Kelso, that is prostitution.
Steven Hyde: No, Fez, dating IS prostitution. Only, you don't always get what you paid for.
Donna Pinciotti: My parents are going to the Playboy mansion this weekend. Anybody want souvenirs?
Steven Hyde: Ashtrays.
Fez: A woman.
Fez: Well, hello there, pretty lady. Who might you be?
Donna Pinciotti: That's my sister. And, she's 14.
Fez: You know, in my country...
Steven Hyde: It's illegal here.
Eric: You know, mom, there comes an age in a boy's life when the baby talk stops working. Yeah, when it does, it just gives a boy the urge to kill.
Kitty Forman: Ok. Ok. Let's just keep the game going.
[picks a card]
Kitty Forman: Donna. If you were a shoe, whose shoe would you be?
Donna Pinciotti: Well, I wouldn't want to be Red's shoe because it's about to go into somebody's ass.
Red Forman: [to Eric] This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Bob Pinciotti: [to Donna] You too.
Red Forman: You're gonna drive Donna home, and then you're gonna wait for me. That's an order.
Bob Pinciotti: Ditto... Aww, come here. I can't stay mad at you with that cute face.
[hugs her; Eric looks at Red with open arms]
Red Forman: Get your ugly ass in the car.
[the kids want to throw a party]
Red Forman: Why here? Why is it always here?
Kitty Forman: Well, what do you want them to do? Throw the party in the street?
Red Forman: Yes. They puke in the street, the city cleans it up.
[the guys are in Chicago]
Fez: People are so friendly around here. The women on the corner just offered to have sex with me.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, for money Fez.
Fez: I could not ask them for money... or could I?
Kitty Forman: You know, maybe Eric's test score is a blessing. It will be a good story when he's a senator.
Red Forman: Senator? The word you're looking for is JANITOR.
Fez: Kelso wants to give you the ring, but he's scared.
Jackie Burkhardt: Why is he scared?
Steven Hyde: Because you're scary.
[the family goes to the Price Mart Ball]
Eric: I could get a date.
Eric: I've got numbers, buddy.
Kitty Forman: Sure you do, honey. You're number one with me.
Jackie Burkhardt: Fez, you are like, an amazing dancer.
Fez: Actually, Jackie... YOU are the reason I am amazing.
[the guys go to a disco]
Fez: Okay, that's it. You must let me in.
The Bouncer: Why?
Fez: Because I feel the hard rhythm of disco burning in my loins.
Michael Kelso: You're engaged?
Steven Hyde: How could you give her that ring? You're in High School, and according to the SATs, that's about as far as you're gonna go.
[Eric and Donna are engaged]
Eric: Don't tell Donna I told you, okay? She'd kill me. It's supposed to be a secret.
Fez: Of course its supposed to be a secret. 'I'm marrying a dumbell'... who wants that spread around?
Michael Kelso: Well, if being smart isn't gonna help me impress the chicks, then I want no part of it.
Michael Kelso: There are a lot of other hot older women out there besides Midge. And they deserve our respect.
Fez: Yes, I would love to make love to an 80-year old. They must know everything. Not just about sex, but history and trivia, too.
Steven Hyde: He's as dead as your Mayan forefathers.
Fez: My forefathers were not Mayan.
Steven Hyde: Like anyone cares.
Kitty Forman: [about Laurie] Rosemary had a better baby than me.
Red Forman: You know, Steven, you're a smart guy. You really should go to college. You're coming with us, this weekend.
Steven Hyde: You don't trust me alone in the house, do you?
Red Forman: See how smart you are?
Eric: I think I have everything. I got the keys, the cash, my "Who am I kidding?" condom...
Donna Pinciotti: What do you guys want to do after you graduate?
Eric: Not touch dead people again, ever.
Fez: I would like to go back to my homeland, with all the knowledge I learned in Wisconsin... and rule with an iron fist.
[Bob is having a ridiculously festive sale at his store]
Bob Pinciotti: What are you, ashamed of me?
Donna Pinciotti: Well, look around, dad.
Bob Pinciotti: Oh, I get it. But, let me tell you something. You see a clown, I see you in college. You see your dad dressed as a ringmaster, I see you in grad school. You see a monkey in a tutu... Well that just makes me laugh.
Midge Pinciotti: The unexamined self is the unfulfilled self.
Bob Pinciotti: What do you mean? You don't feel fulfilled? Why don't you feel fulfilled? I pay the bills. I put a roof over your head. I take care of you.
Midge Pinciotti: I know, Bob. But, what do I do?
Bob Pinciotti: Well, you fill out that sweater real nice.
Red Forman: What's going on?
Michael Kelso: Nothing. Just a classic case of Hand-Stuck-In-Vase.
Red Forman: Well, if you don't get your hand out of there, you're gonna have a classic case of Foot-Stuck-In-Ass.
Michael Kelso: The only thing better than eatin' lobster is eatin' lobster and haulin' ass.
Michael Kelso: [reading] Here's something that I did not know... they number every page.
Midge Pinciotti: Women have to be weak and fragile, so that that men can feel superior.
Donna Pinciotti: That's insane. If women don't learn to stand up for themselves, men will always control the world.
Midge Pinciotti: Oh honey, men don't control the world.
[the guys imitate Jackie]
Steven Hyde: Michael, call me later.
Eric: Michael, do your Chico impression.
Fez: Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you.
[the guys stare at Fez]
Fez: ...please someone else talk now.
Midge Pinciotti: Not only that, but Bob says my ideas are stupid.
Kitty Forman: Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black.
Midge Pinciotti: I know... What?
[Hyde is trying to pull a vase off Kelso's hand]
Steven Hyde: Hey, this vase smells like chocolate.
Michael Kelso: Really?
[smells the vase and Hyde shoves it in his face]
Michael Kelso: Ow. STOP DOING THAT.
Steven Hyde: GET SMARTER.
[Everybody's playing "Horse" in the driveway. Kelso throws and misses]
Michael Kelso: Damn.
Steven Hyde: Oh. Kelso misses another one. I believe it's already H-O-R.
Fez: That's right. You are a whore.
Bernice Forman: So, Kitty, Eric tells me you quit smoking.
Kitty Forman: Yes. Yes, I did, and I feel great.
Bernice Forman: [lights a cigarette] That's great.
[blows smoke in Kitty's face]
Fez: [making a crank call] Hello, House of Chicken? How big are your wings?
Steven Hyde: Breasts.
Fez: Oh. How big are your breasts?
Fez: This is Fez. Who is this?
Michael Kelso: You know what? All this talk about havin' fun makes me wanna have fun. Hey. Let's throw stuff at other stuff.
[Laurie moves out]
Red Forman: Aw, Kitty, you think that she's all grown up. But there's still a lot that she doesn't know. I mean, what if her place doesn't have a deadbolt, or a smoke detector?
Kitty Forman: Red, you don't have to baby her. She's twenty.
Red Forman: You're never too old to burn to death in a fire.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, I guess it was wrong, what I did with Laurie, but I was just amusin' myself, you know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.
Fez: ...unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off.
[Eric likes Stacey at Price Mart, but Stacey likes Red]
Eric: Did Stacey actually use the word 'freak'?
Red Forman: Why don't you just let it go? Maybe the reason girls don't like you, is because you just don't let things go. Stacey was saying just that thing today.
[about Star Wars]
Michael Kelso: There's no way it's better than Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.
Jackie Burkhardt: Mrs. Pinciotti, would you please tell Donna I'm right? Isn't it great when men act like they own you.
Midge Pinciotti: Oh, yeah.
Donna Pinciotti: Mom, what about all those feminist classes you went to?
Midge Pinciotti: Oh, right... No.
Midge Pinciotti: Look, Bob, even the English language is sexist. Why is it mailman and not mailwoman?
Bob Pinciotti: Yeah. And, why is it mail? It should be female.
Midge Pinciotti: Now you're thinking.
Bob Pinciotti: No, I'm not. I'm just pointing out how stupid it is.
Midge Pinciotti: You know what, Bob? You're one of them.
Bob Pinciotti: My wife is a maniac... Sorry, a womaniac.
Kitty Forman: Eric, you should go with your father.
Eric: But, mom...
Kitty Forman: No buts. You two don't spend enough time together.
Eric: That's because he doesn't like me.
[Eric and Red are hunting]
Red Forman: I want you to forget that I'm your father for a minute. I want you to tell me exactly what you think of me.
Eric: How about I do this when you don't have a gun?
[the women are playing cards]
Donna Pinciotti: Anybody need any cards.
Jackie Burkhardt: [gives her two cards] I need two fives.
Midge Pinciotti: I need one card.
[Donna gives her a card]
Midge Pinciotti: A five? Oh, here, Jackie. You take it.
Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, you gave her a five? I thought we were friends.
Steven Hyde: I knew hooking up with Jackie was a big mistake but I did it anyway. That's what she does, man. She makes you stupid. I bet Kelso was composing symphonies before he met her.
[Kelso just got bossed around by his new girlfriend]
Michael Kelso: Man, it's great to be under somebody's thumb again.
Fez: What did your mother do to you?
Jackie Burkhardt: Didn't know they let slutballs in here.
Annette: Well, I've seen you in here so I figured it was okay.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, you don't know it, but you just burnt yourself.
Annette: Oh, I know it. The question is, do you?
Jackie Burkhardt: I just said I do.
Annette: So do I, so you are too.
Eric: Donna, are you following this?
Donna Pinciotti: Umm... I think one of them's a slutball and one of them knows it.
Annette: I think what we need to do is go talk about Michael.
Jackie Burkhardt: Fine. I'll try to use small words so you can understand me.
Annette: That's NOT going to be good enough.
Jackie Burkhardt: Maybe I do have feelings for Michael, but what am I supposed to do? He WAS my first boyfriend. And you know what? You're going to have to learn to deal with it, and if you can't, and you're going to have to break up with me because of it, I can't stop you. But I think it's a real waste because I love you.
Steven Hyde: [long pause] I'm not saying it back.
Jackie Burkhardt: I DON'T CARE!
Midge Pinciotti: ...so I either saw a UFO or I rubbed my eyes too hard.
Steven Hyde: Being Kelso is like knowing the truth behind all the deceptions in society, but not being able to convince any of your fellow suburban friends that anything's wrong, man. No wait, that's me.
Eric: Ok, I know it. She told you about "Dr. PeePee". Fine, you got it. I couldn't sleep on the top bunk and I was 10. Fine, I'm "Dr. PeePee".
[Everybody stares for a while, then they start laughing]
Michael Kelso: "Dr. PeePee". That's great. You are so "Dr. PeePee".
Eric: Oh, really, "Big Chief Brown Bottom"?
Michael Kelso: [quietly] Sorry, man. I'm sorry. Everybody shut up. Just, shut up.
Red Forman: Eric's old enough to hear this kind of talk. Eric, say your job got transferred to Guada-Who-The-Hell-Cares. Would you vote for the guy that did that?
Kitty Forman: Oh, Red, Ford didn't take away your job. He took Nixon's.
Steven Hyde: We need to do something that says "We're not gonna stand for a corrupt electoral system". Something that will leave a mark.
Fez: Oh, I know. A bloody coup.
Donna Pinciotti: Mom, why do I have to do this.
Midge Pinciotti: Donna, I have to do a lot of things I don't like to make your father happy.
Donna Pinciotti: EWW, MOM.
Midge Pinciotti: [laughs] Oh, not THAT. I love THAT.
Eric: Did you hear that? The shrill voice, the bossy tone, the random hatred of all things that bounce? My God, she's Jackie.
Donna Pinciotti: A new Jackie.
Eric: A blonde Jackie.
[Fez has told everyone he lost his virginity]
Eric: Wait, this isn't like the time that you bought a hamster, named it virginity, and then lost it?
[Eric is taking advantage of Red's silent treatment]
Eric: Hey Dad, you know who has the right idea? Russia.
Eric: Hey, dad, um, I was wondering if you could show me, like, a few fighting moves.
Red: Who you planning to fight?
Eric: David Milbank.
Bob Pinciotti: David Milbank? He's got scoliosis and asthma.
Bob Pinciotti: You could take him.
Red: Oh, come on now, Eric. Why don't you, uh, beat up Kelso? I don't work for his dad.
Eric: He's making a move on Donna.
Bob Pinciotti: Oh, no. No. No. Donna's not going near that pretzel boy! No. No. You gotta nip this in the bud, Eric.
Red: All right. All right. The bridge of the nose is very vulnerable.
Bob Pinciotti: Oh. Oh! And hit him with a banjo!
Red: [pauses and stares at Bob] A banjo, Bob?
Bob Pinciotti: What? I'm helping!
Red: Where's he gonna get a banjo?
Bob Pinciotti: I don't know! But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down.
Red: [pauses and stares at Bob again] Hitting a guy with a banjo, is dirty.
Red: You wanna knee him in the groin.
Bob Pinciotti: You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.
[opening text cards from "Star Wars"]
Title card/crawl: A long time ago in Point Place, Wisconsin... It's a time of upheaval for the Formans. Red's hours have been cut back at the auto parts plant, and his holiday job with "Bargain Bob" is long gone. Kitty struggles to make ends meet. And Eric is in the throes of adolescence... which sucks no matter what decade it is. Am I right? Anyway, right now Eric and his band of rebels are heading for a movie theater in Kenosha...
[on women and sex]
Steven Hyde: Secretly, I think they want it more than we do.
Eric: Oh, you and your crazy conspiracies.
[Telling Grandma Bea that they are engaged]
Eric: We're gonna do what Luke Skywalker was too afraid to do: use the dark side to our advantage.
Donna Pinciotti: Eric, if we're gonna be married you've got to ease up on the Star Wars stuff. It doesn't apply to everything.
Eric: [Looking disappointed] I'm gonna have to rewrite my vows.
Steven Hyde: Oh, I see how it is. When things get ugly, all of a sudden I'm family.
Laurie Forman: Not to me, you freak.
Steven Hyde: [pause] You are SO gonna wind up in porno.
[the screen is split in two parts. On top, Donna is talking to Jackie. On bottom, Eric is talking to Kelso]
Eric: I really want to do it with her.
Donna Pinciotti: I don't know if I'm ready to do it with him.
Michael Kelso: I know what you mean.
Michael Kelso: It's Donna.
Jackie Burkhardt: I know what you mean.
Jackie Burkhardt: It's Eric.
Eric Forman, Donna Pinciotti: What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Michael Kelso, Jackie Burkhardt: Nothing.
Eric: I mean, you and Jackie have done it millions of times, right?
Michael Kelso: Oh, yeah. We do it all the time.
Donna Pinciotti: I mean, you and Kelso have done it millions of times, right?
Jackie Burkhardt: No. I let him get to second base once, but that's it.
Steven Hyde: I'm not a conspiracy nut. My gym and shop teachers started that rumor to discredit me.
Fez: That Tomas is shady. But have you noticed, he never says what country he's from?
Steven Hyde: What country are you from?
Fez: What country are YOU from?
Steven Hyde: America.
Fez: Fine, mystery solved.
Michael Kelso: [reading] Oh Wait, Jackie. Two o'clock... 'Smokey and the Bandit'.
Jackie Burkhardt: No-no-no-no-no. I told you, I don't wanna see that again. I don't like the South.
Donna Pinciotti: What are you doing?
Michael Kelso: Jackie gave me this egg to take care of, so me and Hyde are throwing it back and forth.
Donna Pinciotti: Look, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Jackie gave you that egg as a test. She's trying to see if you have any parenting skills.
Michael Kelso: Oh, really? Hyde, better give that back.
Steven Hyde: All right.
[throws it, but it flies back and smashes against the wall]
Steven Hyde: Whoops. I mean, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Donna Pinciotti: And exactly whose panties are these?
Midge Pinciotti: Um, actually, they're mine.
[Kelso and Fez kneel on the ground]
Michael Kelso: Eric. You are a *God*.
Eric: So, do you feel like coming over for dinner?
Stacey: I don't know. Will your dad be there?
Eric: Why? You like my dad?
Eric: Oh, my God. You like my dad?
Stacey: Do you know if he's seeing anyone?
Eric: Yeah. My mom.
Pastor Dave: Now, kids, you may think that God is a downer. But, he's an upper. Some get high on L.S.D., but I get high on G.O.D...
Steven Hyde: [coughs] Virgin.
[Kitty has just come home from work]
Kitty Forman: Here, honey. I brought you a lollipop.
Eric: Mom, I'm 17.
Kitty Forman: I know. That's why I also brought you condoms.
Kitty Forman: You need to protect yourself. Today I saw a 16-year-old give birth, and I don't want that type of thing to happen to you.
Eric: Well, this couldn't be more uncomfortable.
[gets up and leaves]
Kitty Forman: Oh, honey. Don't forget your condoms.
Eric: I was wrong.
Michael Kelso: I don't get Jackie. I mean, we were together for years, and the second I turn my back she off and frenches Hyde.
Steven Hyde: And by turning your back you mean ditching her for two months to have sex with random beach trash?
Michael Kelso: Whatever, man. It's all about words with you.
Eric: I got a feeling I'm forgetting something...
Steven Hyde: Looks like you got everything but a tall redhead.
Eric: Yeah, what guy doesn't love a tall redhead oh my god I forgot Donna.
[about Bob's hair]
Red Forman: His head looks like a poodle's ass.
Fez: You know Jackie, if you're in the market for a new lover, they say once you go Fez, you never go back. In my language that rhymes.
Michael Kelso: When guys cheat, its because they need some hot action. But when girls cheat it's way worse, 'cause girls don't even like sex.
Jackie Burkhardt: We do too.
Michael Kelso: Well why aren't we doin' it now?
Jackie Burkhardt: Because I don't want to do it right now.
Michael Kelso: I do. Point made. Thank you.
[Jackie on Michael]
Jackie Burkhardt: Look, I need to know that he's really changed. I need to test him somehow.
Donna Pinciotti: I agree.
Jackie Burkhardt: You do?
Donna Pinciotti: Absolutely. If you get back with Kelso, you better have him tested.
[Jackie sneaks into the Forman's house]
Steven Hyde: I told you to look where you were going.
Jackie Burkhardt: What idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?
Eric: You knocked over my space command center?
Kitty Forman: Red, Bob was very upset when he left here.
Red Forman: Bob's always upset. He's a little girl in big boy pants.
Steven Hyde: Not only did we break the law, we screwed our friends while breaking the law.
Eric: I don't think I've ever seen Mom so mad. Have you?
Red Forman: Not since she's stopped drinking.
Red Forman: Nothing.
Michael Kelso: You can't sleep in the same bed with someone and not be doin' it. I've fallen asleep not doin' it and woken up doin' it.
Eric: ...and that's why they won't put him to sleep at the dentist.
Michael Kelso: [to Jackie] I still can't get over you cheating on me, and I need to hear you apologize again. And this time, maybe you should cry or give me money.
Steven Hyde: School spirit is for losers man. You're just like floating along on the conveyer belt of conformity... pep rallies, extra curricular activities, washing your hair... It's all just a trap, man.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, I never thought I'd be a working man, man. But man, here I am, working for the man. You know what man, I like it man.
Leo: Hey, thanks man.
[Red on Kitty's parents]
Red Forman: You know, I was hoping when they'd move to Arizona, they would get lost in the desert.
Eric: Laurie saved up all her money so she could buy a back massager - which isn't fooling anyone by the way.
Donna Pinciotti: [to Eric] Have you suddenly become the stupidest man ever? I mean, is Kelso no longer the reigning king?
Michael Kelso: Oh, I'm the king.
[Michael and Laurie leave for a date]
Steven Hyde: No offense Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.
Michael Kelso: In Wisconsin, if you win a girl a giant, purple rhinoceros, she puts out.
[Kelso brought Fez to the Piggly Wiggly to meet attractive, older women]
Kitty Forman: How could you bring Fez to the Piggly Wiggly? There's a lot of footloose women in there. Do you know Joyce Ferguson?
Michael Kelso: No. That's a lie.
Kitty Forman: What?
Michael Kelso: [nervously] What?
Kitty Forman: What?
Michael Kelso: [nervously] What?
Red Forman: You know, maybe instead of finding another idiot to hang out with, you might think about unloading a few.
Red Forman: Like you.
Red Forman: And you.
Red Forman: And you.
Eric: I'm your son.
Red Forman: Hey, I treat everyone as equals.
[Midge left Bob]
Steven Hyde: Don't worry, Donna. I mean, my parents splitting up made me the man I am today.
Donna Pinciotti: Aww, man. Am I gonna go crazy and think the government is out to get me, too?
Steven Hyde: [angry] The government IS out to get you.
Fez: Do you know what's a good job for me... Gigolo. The loving is over. Now pay me.
Jackie Burkhardt: Everybody wants their first make-out to be special. Someplace romantic like Ireland, or Disneyworld.
Red Forman: Kitty, I think we should rethink our 'Don't throw Leo out on his ass policy.'
Kitty Forman: No, no. Leo stuck around because he cares about Steven.
Leo: ...and plus I can't find my shoes, man.
[Donna beats Eric at a game]
Fez: You know, in my country, if a woman beats you, it makes her want you.
Eric: [smiling] Really?
Fez: Yes, but this is America. Wuss.
Fez: My Green Card, I kept it in my right shoe for safe keeping, I even make up a rhyme to help me remember, my green card in my right shoe something something right shoe.
[Mounties Chris and Bryan hold the guys after they try to smuggle beer from Canada]
Bryan: Now, you are well within the legal limit on that.
[points at beer]
Chris: But you are over the legal limit of foreign kids you can smuggle out of this country.
Michael Kelso: Well what is the legal limit on that?
Chris: The limit is *zero*, you loser.
Michael Kelso: Guys guess how many countries I've wizzed in? TWO.
Kitty Forman: You're my special little baby boy.
[Hyde makes kissy faces at Eric]
Eric: Mom. We talked about this. I'm not a boy anymore. I'm a man...
Kitty Forman: Okay... My special little baby man.
[kisses him, giggles and runs away]
Eric: [to Hyde] You are so lucky that your mom's a runaway alcoholic.
Steven Hyde: Would you shut up about that lame ass story?
Michael Kelso: Well, it's the truth and I'll prove it. Let's go ask Fez.
Steven Hyde: Fine.
Michael Kelso: You drive, my van's in the shop.
Steven Hyde: Fine. I need gas though.
Michael Kelso: Fine. Can I borrow money for fries?
Steven Hyde: No.
Michael Kelso: Fine. Shotgun.
Steven Hyde: There's only two of us you moron.
Michael Kelso: Fine.
Laurie Forman: You should watch your back.
Jackie Burkhardt: You should stop spending so much time on yours.
Red Forman: I say good riddance. That cat was always making a mess on my lawn and going through my garbage.
Laurie Forman: Yeah. But now we have Hyde to do that.
Steven Hyde: Oh yeah, Laurie? And what exactly do you do? Oh, yeah - the Packers.
Steven Hyde: You know, Forman, you ought to write a book. "Things My Dad Threatened To Put Up My Ass"... "Chapter One: His Foot".
[Kelso has just shot Hyde with his B.B. gun]
Steven Hyde: I'm gonna punish him the way my parents punish me.
Eric: You're gonna leave him at the mall?
Steven Hyde: No. I'm gonna milk this eye thing until he feels as bad as he should. And they didn't leave me at the mall. They forgot me. They were drunk.
Fez: I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Michael Kelso: Well, that's Canada... Yup, good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they're too busy playin' hockey or gettin' drunk or puttin' maple syrup on their ham.
Steven Hyde: Hey Forman, did you realize that there's another room back there? Hey, and it barely stinks.
Eric: Perfect. You can sit back there underneath your bare bulb and write angry letters to the government.
Steven Hyde: Oh, don't think I won't.
Michael Kelso: I say do it with her.
Eric: Kelso, your solution to everything is "Do it with her".
Michael Kelso: Hey, it worked on my science teacher. C minus.
Michael Kelso: One time I asked Jackie what was wrong, she didn't shut up for like three straight days.
Eric: It was supposed to be 'Guys' Night Out'. And then comes Hyde's skank of the week to ruin it all. We were friends since, like, always. And all it took to ruin it was a pair of lop-sided boobs. That's right, I noticed and I didn't say anything... Because I'm nice.
Donna Pinciotti: I had to talk to my dad's new girlfriend about the sex they're having.
Eric: Yeah, okay, you win.