Quotes

Michael Kelso: The truth is out there, man, it's out there.

Fez: No more for you.

Red Forman: Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.

Red Forman: What are you going to put on your resume - dumbass?

Fez: Poor Hyde. You are in love with Donna and she's with your good friend Eric.

Steven Hyde: So what?

Fez: So it's the saddest story in the world.

Steven Hyde: You know what? I had a chance, and I didn't take it.

[repeated line]

Kitty Forman: Oh, Red you do care.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh my god, I told her that, it was me! I saved the day!

Fez: Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?

Eric: I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.

Steven Hyde: How long have you two been planning that line out?

Eric: For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.

Donna Pinciotti: You have to tell Kelso. If you don't, I will.

Jackie Burkhardt: Thank you, Donna! Thank you! Oh, thank you!

[she runs to the bathroom door]

Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, I don't want to tell him!

[a crash is heard. Donna and Jackie goes out of the bathroom, they see Kelso passed out on the floor while Fez is slapping his face side to side]

Jackie Burkhardt: I think he knows.

Eric: What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?

Jackie Burkhardt: I'm pregnant.

[Eric gasps]

Donna Pinciotti: [outside. Donna is playing basketball with Eric. She runs and makes a shot, then she tosses the ball to Eric, which it hits his head, then he turns] Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?

Eric: Ok, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you promise you're not going to tell anybody else.

Donna Pinciotti: Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.

Eric: Not here.

[they run in the car]

Eric: [no audio] Jackie's pregnant.

[Donna makes a shocking face]

Donna Pinciotti: [when Eric wears a Chicago Bears jersey at a Green Bay Packer game] The Packers are like the Jedi. You're wearing a 'Go Darth Vader' jersey.

[the guys are high in Eric's basement]

Steven Hyde: I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.

Michael Kelso: I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about.

Eric: Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it.

Eric: [imitating Red] I say we torture them with plenty of pointless rules and advice.

Eric: It's amazing what one act of civil disobedience can do for a person.

Red Forman: Forman, party of two.

Restaurant Hostess: Okey dokey, that'll be about two hours.

Red Forman: Here's twenty bucks.

Restaurant Hostess: Okay we'll have something in fifteen minutes.

Red Forman: You don't want this place to burn down twice do you?

Restaurant Hostess: Okay we have something right now.

Red Forman: I thought so. Well, it looks like it's our lucky night.

[Kelso just found out about Eric being lame in the sack]

Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, I told you about Eric so you could help him, not make fun of him.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, but it's hard to help someone and burn him at the same time.

[Jackie gives him a cold stare]

Michael Kelso: Oh, come on, Jackie, it's funny! I mean, he must have been really bad!

Jackie Burkhardt: So were you.

Michael Kelso: [gaping in horror] OK, I don't think you know what you're saying because you called me your "Apollo Rocket of Love."

Jackie Burkhardt: But the way I said it was

[blandly]

Jackie Burkhardt: "Oh, Michael, you my regular Apollo Rocket of Love."

Michael Kelso: OK, I'm not hearing a difference.

Donna: If you keep stuffing your face like this your gonna get...

Jackie Burkhardt: Don't you dare say it, you bitch!

Donna: Fat!

Kitty Forman: I really doubt that she's jsut abandoning Stephen, I mean, she's his mother.

Eric: Mom, her exact words were "I know I'm your mother but I'm abandoning you."

[referring to that Thanksgiving's events]

Red Forman: You mean with that ungrateful daughter, our dumbass son, and that drunk foreign kid

[pause]

Red Forman: it was better than last year.

Eric: What happened between you two?

Fez: Suffice to say that it involved a crowded parking lot, a half off sale and a pair of pants that made my ass look like an oil painting.

Fenton: If you mean old and cracked, I agree.

Fez: I'll see you in hell!

Fenton: I'll be wearing your pants!

Michael Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!

Steven Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?

Michael Kelso: Me!

Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter!

Michael Kelso: [wearing Eric's pants] Well, the joke's on you, Eric. I'm wearing your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.

Eric: Kelso, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.

Michael Kelso: [pulling off pants] Well played.

Frank: I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hotdogs to teenagers.

Kelso: You got both your legs, Frank.

Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam!

[a guardian angel shows Eric how his life would be had he not kissed Donna]

The Angel: Oh, but it only gets better. Eric, I'm now going to show you your future. Next stop - the '80s!

["The Safety Dance" is heard]

Eric: What was that?

The Angel: You'll find out.

Eric: You know Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer.

Donna: No I couldn't. I want you. I need you.

Eric: Well, I never turn down a woman in need.

[wraps his arms around her]

Donna: You know, being here in you bed. On your... SpiderMan sheets. Makes me feel so Ready, so Willing.

Eric: Then call me Able.

[kisses her]

Eric: Oh, a little mood music.

[turns on a clock radio. Romantic music about a dream plays while he kisses her]

Eric: [dissolve to Eric waking up alone in his bed] Damn.

Donna: [off camera] What's wrong?

Eric: [Eric screams] Aggh!

[Eric sees the real Donna kneeling next to his bed]

Eric: I mean... hey baby!

Michael Kelso: I miss Jackie, I can't eat, I can't sleep, well i can eat but...

[begins to cry]

Fez: [stares at kelso]

Steven Hyde: [stares at kelso]

Eric: [stares at kelso] Hey, what did we say, no crying in the circle

Michael Kelso: I can't help it.

Michael Kelso: I need to tell her i didnt mean to cheat on her and that im sorry. I know, I'll write her a song

Michael Kelso: [begins to play ukelae, really badly while singing]

Steven Hyde: Hey I kno how you can start it.

[begins to sing]

Steven Hyde: You don't love me anymore, caught me cheatin' with a whore. See cuz Laurie's the whore

Eric: My sister is such a whore

[begins to giggle]

Michael Kelso: [glares at hyde]

Donna Pinciotti: I love you, Eric.

Eric: I love... cake.

Eric: [in a later scene] Donna, it's just that... if I say it, and then we break up, what would I tell myself?

Donna Pinciotti: You could tell yourself you still have cake, we both know how much it means to you.

Eric: OK, I deserve that.

Kitty Forman: Why don't you try some of that forgiveness that Jesus talked so much about so much?

Donna Pinciotti: You have the van. We want to go home.

Michael Kelso: Na-ah! I can't leave Annette. I love her.

Eric: No, you don't.

Michael Kelso: I love parts of her.

Donna Pinciotti: [on the California beach] I miss Eric. That guy even looks like Eric.

[Double take]

Donna Pinciotti: Eric? Oh my God, Eric!

Eric: [Looking around Kelso's van, he turns sharp at Donna's voice] Donna!

[They run to each other in slow motion, Kelso tries to run along side Donna, but Donna pushes him down; they stop short of each other, just staring deeply into each other's eyes for a long moment and then... Kelso tackles Donna, wrestling her to the ground. Incredulous]

Eric: Kelso, what the Hell are you doing?

Michael Kelso: Winning!

[Donna gets free, stands up and kicks Kelso in the side, then returns to looking at Eric]

Donna Pinciotti: Eric... I can't believe you came for me.

Eric: Of course I did. Donna... Donna I love you. And I... I...

[he can't find the words]

Donna Pinciotti: [Steps forward and kisses him passionately]

Michael Kelso: You guys can smooch all you want, I totally won!

[walks off]

Jackie Burkhardt: Steven, do I really disgust you?

Steven Hyde: No. I disgust me because I'm supposed to be disgusted by you but I'm not.

Jackie Burkhardt: Me too! I mean, I like how scruffy you are.

Steven Hyde: Of course you do.

Leo: I saw a UFO once, man. It was just hanging there in the sky. Then it sent me a message, in big bright yellow letters. I told me I was gonna have a good year.

Steven Hyde: Leo, was this UFO at a football game?

Leo: Yeah, man! And the weird thing was, I was the only one freaking out about it!

[Hyde, Fez, and Kelso start to laugh]

Leo: Wait a minute. Good year? It was a terrible year, man!

Bob Pinciotti: [Bob has come over to the Foremans place after he cut down a tree that almost fell on Red] Red, I'm so sorry. It was an accident.

Red Forman: [Red's acting nice] I thought I never say this. I'm glad you're my friend.

[hugs Bob]

Bob Pinciotti: Red, I thought I'd never say this, you smell nice.

Kitty Forman: [after throwing away Kelso's electronic football game] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?

Kelso: Yes! And until now, everyone else had the good grace not to mention it!

[shoves his head in his pillow, reminiscent of a five-year-old]

Michael Kelso: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.

Donna Pinciotti: Um, that's not how evolution works.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.

Steven Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

Kitty Forman: I'm sorry, Red, I saw this as my one chance to say 'Laurie got married' without having to add, 'And the baby came early.'

Kitty Forman: All families are embarrassing. If they aren't embarrassing they're dead.

Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, I went on the pill.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You are going to be so popular.

[after setting the table for Thanksgiving dinner]

Kitty Forman: I feel like I'm forgetting something...

[the phone rings]

Kitty Forman: Oh, my God, I forgot your mom.

Fez: AH. This is tomorrow's school paper. Oh my god, on the front page, there's a picture of me kissing Kelso by the lake.

Eric: Fez why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?

Fez: We caught a fish, I was excited. I kissed the fish too, but of course they don't show you that.

[Eric's dream sequence during "A New Hope"]

Red as Obi: A Jedi's power lies within his own mi- are you even listening to me?

Eric as Luke: What? Yes. Um, you were saying, may the force be with me?

Red as Obi: No, I did not. Jedi knight. Jedi dumbass!

Michael Kelso: Cartoons make me horny. Oh and food.

Steven Hyde: That's the price you pay for docking your Love Boat in Jackie Vallarta.

Eric: Hey dad. You coming back inside?

Red Forman: Eric, I love your grandmother very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her.

Eric: Did I mention that I'm in there rubbing her feet?

Red Forman: Eric, sometimes you got to play through the pain.

Eric: What?

Red Forman: I don't know. Just, get back in there.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my god. You all hate Laurie?

[the gang nods]

Jackie Burkhardt: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.

Steven Hyde: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.

Michael Kelso: If you really do love her, there's only one thing to do, man. You gotta dump her and live free.

Michael Kelso: Why would you just cuddle with her when you could do it? I mean, Forman, doing it is "it." That's why they call it "it." IT.

[on buying an economy car during the oil crisis]

Red Forman: The last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me.

[Donna and Kelso are hiding under a bed]

Donna Pinciotti: Is that your hand on my ass?

Michael Kelso: It was an accident.

Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, your hand's still on my ass.

Michael Kelso: IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT.

Red Forman: What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?

Eric: That it's offensive to the Devil?

Michael Kelso: I'm not shallow. I just judge women on their looks.

Eric: You know, Hyde, at first I thought your father was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirt bag and Father Of The Year.

Donna Pinciotti: I like showing my butt. I like to show it and I like to shake it.

[while being questioned by Canadian police]

Michael Kelso: If you call ham "Canadian bacon", what do you call bacon?

Red Forman: What the hell kind of restaurant is this? You got eight people singing happy birthday, and no one can bring my wife a damn salad.

[Cooking]

Kitty Forman: Where's my brown sugar?

Fez: I'm right here, sweetie pie.

Michael Kelso: Guys, I was making out with Pam Macy in the orchestra pit. And... the worst thing that could happen to a guy happened.

Fez: Ohhhh. Mr. Cooper came in to wash the floors?

Michael Kelso: No.

Steven Hyde: Fez, I think what Kelso meant to say was... the rabbit wouldn't come out of his hat.

Eric: The weasel wouldn't pop out.

Michael Kelso: OK, ENOUGH.

Eric: Oh, wait. There's a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.

Steven Hyde: That's a good one Forman.

Eric: I know, it just came to me.

Fez: Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants.

Michael Kelso: This can't be happening to me.

Fez: Oh, don't worry Kelso. I'm really sorry... SORRY YOU'RE NOT A MAN.

[seeing a square dance]

Red Forman: It looks like 'Hee Haw' puked in here.

Jackie Burkhardt: You're coming over to my house tonight. And we're gonna... "study".

Michael Kelso: Come on. I never get to do anything fun.

Steven Hyde: God, you're dumb.

Michael Kelso: Well I guess that's why I gotta go "STUDY".

Red: Well, we got vandals in this town. I was driving home and I saw the water tower giving me the finger.

Laurie Forman: Vandals you say? Hmm, where were you last night, Eric?

Kitty Forman: Oh, can it, Laurie. Eric you look pale. Let me see your eyes.

[Eric just looks down]

Kitty Forman: Look at me.

[Eric looks at Kitty, imagining her she was naked after seeing his parents having sex]

Kitty Forman: Do you have fever?

Red: [Eric looks at Red, and he's imagining him naked, too] I know what you need. Right after breakfast, I want you to mow the lawn. The fresh air will do you good.

Kitty Forman: [the camera turns around back to Kitty. Kitty is still naked and she wipes something off her chest] Eric, is something bothering you?

Eric: [looking at Kitty and Red a couple more times] God, make it stop!

[leaves the table]

Eric: Kelso, I don't know if you should come over to dinner tonight.

Michael Kelso: Look, I know you think it's gonna be uncomfortable because I'm dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn't love the guy who's nailing his daughter.

Eric: Yeah, I mean, when the empire killed Luke Skywalker's aunt and uncle, did he just call them up?

The others: Ahh, nooo...

Eric: No. He hopped on the Millenium Falcon, and he paid a little visit to the Death Star.

Jackie Burkhardt: Well, if Donna's not gonna be here, neither am I.

Eric: Oh, Jackie, I'm sorry. What I meant was... BYE.

Fez: Who are you?

Rhonda: Fez, it's me Rhonda.

Fez: So do you want to have a hot-dog eating contest?

Rhonda: No. It's not kosher.

Fez: Who said?

Rhonda: [pointing to Jackie and Donna] They did.

Fez: Oh, really?

[turning to Donna and Jackie]

Fez: What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda?

Donna Pinciotti: I've got to tell you, Fez it was all Jackie's idea. She wouldn't let her pee.

Jackie Burkhardt: You said she was a sasquatch.

Donna Pinciotti: So did you.

Eric: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?

Red Forman: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh Michael, you're prettier than Bowie.

Michael Kelso: I'm prettier than you.

[Kelso just told Jackie a list of embarrassing things he's done in his life, in an effort to be honest]

Michael Kelso: Oh, and that time we were about to fool around, and you asked me if I washed my hands, I had just actually finished playing with six dogs. Oh, but that's not nearly as bad as the time...

Jackie Burkhardt: OK, Michael. Enough. You know when I talked to you about honesty? Let's talk about SELECTIVE honesty.

Fez: And basic hygiene.

Eric: Uh-oh, naughty thoughts a-brewin'...

[Michael on Eric]

Michael Kelso: How dumb was he to give me the car keys? I mean, who in here trusts me?

Fez: Not me.

Jackie Burkhardt: Not me.

Steven Hyde: Not me, man.

Michael Kelso: Thank you.

Rhonda: If I don't get a friggin' MandM, then I'm gonna start swingin'.

Red Forman: When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun. But if you mix them, they can turn you into a dumbass.

[about Donna]

Eric: She was drunk, in the middle of the afternoon. I mean, it was like Sue Ellen on 'Dallas'.

Bob Pinciotti: You know Red, that hurts.

Red Forman: So does a swift kick in the ass.

Bob Pinciotti: You know, Red, a kick in the ass isn't the solution to everything.

Red Forman: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disagree with that, Bob.

Eric: Mom, Dad, can Penny and I be alone for a minute?

Red Forman: No. I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.

Kitty Forman: Eric, your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strange lately.

Red Forman: Like a hippie.

Kitty Forman: Is there something you want to tell us?

Red Forman: Are you on dope? Are you?

Kitty Forman: Because we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization...

Red Forman: ...my foot kickin' your ass.

Donna Pinciotti: You want my honest opinion, Jackie? Fine. You always try to get people to do what you want, and it's not going to work on Hyde.

Jackie Burkhardt: That's not true. Now, you take that back and feel sorry for me.

Red Forman: What are you doing here?

Michael Kelso: The explanation is in the note.

Red Forman: [reading the note] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.

[Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room]

Red Forman: Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks.

[Gives Kelso the money]

Michael Kelso: Yeah, Hyde's in jail. Hey guys, do you think that he's anyone's girlfriend yet?

Fez: Kelso, he's been in there for three hours. Of COURSE he's someone's girlfriend.

Fez: Mrs. Forman, I'm sorry. I washed my face with your ovaries.

Ricky: Forman, who told you you could go on break?

Kitty Forman: I did.

Ricky: And who are you?

Kitty Forman: I'm his mother.

Ricky: Good enough.

[Red on Laurie and Michael]

Red Forman: This is how it starts, you know. First they're dating and having fun, and then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands.

Kitty Forman: Oh, honey. They're not going to get married. He'll leave her when she gets pregnant.

Michael Kelso: What does he have that I don't? I mean, I have the three things women want: I'm hot and I'm smart.

Donna Pinciotti: That's two things you moron.

Michael Kelso: Nuh-uh, hot counts twice.

Kitty Forman: [to Michael] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?

Michael Kelso: Yes, I was. And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it.

Fez: My gosh, Buddy. With a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores.

Michael Kelso: If this is about maturity, I want nothing to do with it.

[after Hyde makes a batch of special brownies]

Michael Kelso: One day, I'm gonna open a restaurant, and everything on the menu is gonna be special. So, when somebody comes in and says "Hey, Kelso, what's special on the menu?", I can say "Everything."

Steven Hyde: [to Donna] You know what's gonne make you feel better? A scrawny little neighbor boy.

Red Forman: Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah blah blah...

Donna Pinciotti: What is it about you that drives me wild with passion and desire?

Eric: Well, I am... seventeen now.

Eric: I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid, and worth hearing.

Red Forman: Well that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you run for Miss America.

Laurie Forman: You know Eric, hickeys lead to dirty things.

Red Forman: For God sakes. Don't let Donna suck your neck.

Jackie Burkhardt: Androgynous guys are so manly.

Eric: You smell great. What did you do?

Donna Pinciotti: I took a bath. I was thinking of you the whole time.

Eric: Hey I do the same thing in the shower.

Donna Pinciotti: What?

Eric: Nothing.

[Fez kisses Jackie]

Donna Pinciotti: What was so good about it?

Jackie Burkhardt: Do you know like Fez talks he sometimes rolls his Rs? Well, that's what he did in my mouth.

Michael Kelso: Jackie and I are back together.

Laurie Forman: I understand. But, do you want to see my appendix scar?

Michael Kelso: Once again... WHAT'S-HER-NAME AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER.

Michael Kelso: What fun is it in being a girlfriend if you don't even have your own boobs to play with?

Eric: That would be like looking at my mom and thinking, "Hey, baby. How ? ". I'm just going to stop right there.

Kitty Forman: I can't believe that any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames.

Michael Kelso: I wish there was a way I could give Jackie a thing. That wasn't actually the ring. You know? Like a, a test gift just to see what she would say, and if it went bad I could just walk away... Hey, am I talking in rhyme? I wish I could do that all the time.

Michael Kelso: [Kelso comes into the basement wearing a pair of goggles] Try hurting my eye now!

[Hyde kicks him in the shin]

Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, sex is how we control men. If they know we like it as much as they do, we'll never get jewelry again.

Red: [Red has a dream that he dies, and nobody shows up for his funeral]

Red: Where is everybody? Where are all my friends?

Kitty Forman: You don't have any friends, honey. I'm afraid it's a side effect of... telling people to stick it in their butts.

[Eric wants to impress Donna, so he gets her name tattooed on his butt by Leo]

Leo: Dude, Debby is gonna be real happy about this.

Eric: Who's Debby?

Leo: Hello? Your girlfriend, Debby? Jesus...

Eric: Leo, her name is Donna.

Leo: Oh... I can fix that.

Red Forman: What the hell happened?

Steven Hyde: Eric made out with Laurie's friend.

Red Forman: Anything else?

Fez: Your son is a whore.

Kitty Forman: My parents are coming tomorrow.

Red Forman: Oh, crap.

Kitty Forman: Red.

Donna Pinciotti: What's wrong with them.

Kitty Forman: It's a complicated situation.

Eric: Grandma yells, grandpa drinks.

[Leo just fired Fez from the PhotoHut]

Fez: But how am I supposed to pay for my shoes?

Leo: Just do what I do, man. Take money from the register when the boss isn't looking.

Steven Hyde: Leo... Once again... You are the boss.

Leo: And, I'm not looking.

[Hyde gives Fez the money]

Donna Pinciotti: Why does your dad want to ruin my dad's barbecue?

Eric: Well, my dad thinks that if your dad's barbecue is better than his, the russkies are gonna take over the planet.

[Eric took blame for Donna's smoking in school]

Donna Pinciotti: So how'd your parents react?

Eric: Surprisingly, not so good. It turns out that Red has a temper.

Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, are you OK?

Donna Pinciotti: Yeah.

Jackie Burkhardt: How can you be OK? There's a college *woman* sleeping in Eric's bed.

Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, Eric's sleeping in the basement.

Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, stairs can't stop a high school horn dog. Barbed wire can't stop a high school horn dog. A wall of fire can't stop a high school horn dog.

Steven Hyde: Hold on, Kelso. Suddenly, you're too mature to go cruising for chicks with us, and you're going to the mall with Jackie?

Michael Kelso: Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, I've come to realize that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with.

Eric: Today?

Steven Hyde: [about Kelso's shirt being in Laurie's room] Say, how'd THAT get there?

Michael Kelso: [trying to cover his affair with Laurie] That's funny. No - This isn't even mine! Yeah, this must be ERIC'S shirt.

Jackie Burkhardt: Your mom sewed your name in it, Michael.

Michael Kelso: Man, Eric's going to be pissed, huh? Yeah, 'cause I borrowed Eric's shirt 'cause mine wasn't working right. And then my mom must've sewed my name in it.

Jackie Burkhardt: Hum, I don't know, Michael...

Michael Kelso: Jackie, if I were lying I'd come up with a lot better lie than that.

Steven Hyde: Yeah, you'd think so.

Kelso's Date: [Looking at photos of Kelso's newborn daughter] Wow, she's even cuter than you.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, she wishes.

Michael Kelso: Hello, sir. My name is Michael Kelso. I am about to do things of a sexual nature with your daughter. And although she does these things - with everybody - I now have a newfound respect for women, seeing as I have a daughter myself. Out of wedlock. Don't worry, I'm no longer with the mother. I just came by to seek out your blessing, so I may continue to pleasure your daughter again and again. Thank you for your time.

Michael Kelso: [Michael arrives at the door to pick up Laurie for a date] Hello, Mrs. Forman. I'm here to pick up your daughter for our date.

Steven Hyde: Man, you're dating Laurie?... That's not "going where no man has gone before"; that's going where *every* man has gone before.

Kitty Forman: Steven, it's not nice to be so... truthful.

Donna Pinciotti: Oh, my god what is she doing here? She could ruin everything.

Eric: Oh, don't worry. She isn't here today as a math teacher who's failing me. No, she's here today as a cradle robbing slut.

Fez: I wonder what's up with Jackie. She looks scared... like a deer in the headlights caught with its pants down.

Michael Kelso: Your soul is like an appendix. I don't even use mine.

Eric: Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?

Kelso: A collector never stops collecting, Eric.

Red Forman: Do you know how they treat their criminals in Russia? First offense, five years in Siberia. Second offense, ten years. Believe you me, there is no third offense.

Kitty Forman: Unless the criminal likes to make snow angels.

Steven Hyde: You know what your problem is? You're really cute, but nobody ever told you to shut your piehole.

Jackie Burkhardt: You think I'm cute?

Steven Hyde: SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE.

Donna Pinciotti: Dammit, Kelso. You don't french the bride.

[Eric catches Jackie and Hyde]

Jackie Burkhardt: It's just a meaningless fling, okay? We can stop whenever we want.

Eric: Well, then maybe you should.

Jackie Burkhardt: Why do you even care?

Eric: BECAUSE YOU'RE BREAKING UP THE BAND, YOKO.

Fez: Look, my first snowball. I love snow so much, my fingers are numb with joy.

Bob Pinciotti: uh-heh

Red Forman: OK, Bob, What is it?

Bob Pinciotti: I'm just curious. What's the word on that Hyde kid?

Red Forman: Steven? He's a little rebellious, just needs some direction.

Bob Pinciotti: Apparently he's getting it, Red. I kind of walked into your living room and he and Kitty were in some sort of provocative embrace. I think he's putting the moves on your wife.

Red Forman: Ooh my God. Now I've gotta kill him. Get your deer rifle, Bob.

Bob Pinciotti: H... Hold on Red. I... I... I could have been mistaken.

Red Forman: You know what you saw. Get the damn gun.

[Red groans]

Eric: Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male of the herd grunt his displeasure. But what does it mean?

Steven Hyde: The grunting indicates aggression, Jim.

Eric: Ah.

Red Forman: Idiots.

Donna Pinciotti: I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me like, slut rabies.

Leo: Ok, guys. I don't have any beer. I hate alcohol, and I won't have it in my house. So, we're gonna have to drink sake instead.

Jackie Burkhardt: Don't pity me because I'm beautiful.

Donna Pinciotti: I pity you because you're dumb.

[Eric wants to propose to Donna]

Michael Kelso: Forman, I'm saying this to you, as a friend who likes to see you get hurt. Don't do it.

[Jackie and Donna need something that's in Kelso's room, so they sneak in at night]

Michael Kelso: [wakes up] Jackie? Donna?

[Jackie and Donna freeze]

Michael Kelso: Is this a dream?

Jackie Burkhardt: Uhh, yeah, Michael. This is a dream.

Michael Kelso: Are we gonna do it?

Jackie Burkhardt: Uhh, yes, Michael. We're gonna do it.

Michael Kelso: Ok. Donna first.

[Kelso is clumsy with a gun]

Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, careful with that.

Michael Kelso: Don't worry, guns don't just go off by accident.

Donna Pinciotti: What about Eric's hamster in fourth grade?

Eric: Oh, no, my hamster went upstate to live with a new family upstate. Right?

[Nobody says anything]

Eric: Oh, my god. You killed my hamster.

Michael Kelso: It wasn't my fault. The gun went off by accident.

Red Forman: So, you mean, we met by you bumping into my ass?

Kitty Forman: I guess so.

Red Forman: Ok, but if Eric asks, I punched out a marine, defending your honor.

Kitty Forman: And, I wasn't drunk, I was reading for the blind.

Red Forman: Deal.

Jackie Burkhardt: I want Michael to give me that stupid promise ring.

Fez: Look, Jackie, Kelso is very sensitive.

Steven Hyde: Girlish, even.

Fez: So, he just wants to wait for the right time to give it to you.

Jackie Burkhardt: You know what, Fez? You're right. I'll give him time.

[Kelso enters]

Jackie Burkhardt: WHERE'S MY RING, YOU IDIOT?

Jackie Burkhardt: Why won't Steven love me? I wish my daddy could buy him for me...

[Kelso invited Hyde and Fez to Jackie's party behind her back]

Jackie Burkhardt: Hyde? Fez?... MICHAEL.

Michael Kelso: Oh good, it's Hyde, Fez, and Michael.

Jackie Burkhardt: Well, I have a date too.

Michael Kelso: Who is he? What's his name?

Jackie Burkhardt: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every single conceivable way.

Michael Kelso: DAMN, JACKIE. THAT COULD BE ANYBODY.

Kitty Forman: How's it going?

Red Forman: Real good. The foreign kid just ate something off the floor.

Red Forman: [to Eric] Happy Birthday. You know, the lawn's not gonna cut itself.

Michael Kelso: We just saw college butt... ON A GIRL.

Michael Kelso: Hey Laurie, long time, no doin' it.

Steven Hyde: We got food, we got beer, we have zero percent adult supervision... welcome to Camp Naughty Bad Fun.

Donna Pinciotti: So, how many things around here have you put your butt on?

Michael Kelso: Let's start with what I haven't put my butt on.

Fez: We've been here for like 2 hours, and we've only moved like two feet.

Michael Kelso: If you think the lines at the DMV are long, you should see the free clinic. Now there's a wait.

Red Forman: [looking in bag of pot] Is this what I think it is?

Michael Kelso: If you mean paprika, then yes, sir!

Kitty Forman: Honey, paprika is red.

Michael Kelso: If you mean green paprika, then yes, sir!

Bob Pinciotti: I didn't ask for a drink.

Fez: Well, I didn't ask to be born in a field.

Steven Hyde: Hey, Red. You have to sign this card for me.

Red Forman: It says you're failing gym.

Steven Hyde: Yeah.

Red Forman: Why the hell are you failing gym?

Steven Hyde: Because I wouldn't wear shorts?

Red Forman: Why not?

Steven Hyde: Would you wear shorts?

[Red signs the card]

[Donna is dating Michael's brother]

Eric: I got two words for you. Donna Kelso.

[Donna walks away, angry]

Eric: Come on. Think of the children. Little red headed morons.

Red Forman: Eric, if your mother wants you and Archie and Jughead to help her, then you'll help her.

Michael Kelso: [to Steven] You're Jughead.

Steven Hyde: You're so Jughead, its not even debatable.

Michael Kelso: You are so...

[Steven punches Michael]

Red Forman: Steven, stop hitting Jughead.

Eric: Fez, I know you've spoken English for only a few weeks, now. But could you have learned the phrase 'Don't tell my Dad?" 'Don't' being the contraction for do not and 'tell my Dad' meaning SHUT UP?

Fez: See, right there you told me NOT to shut up. It's a wonder you're not failing English, too. Crack a book, you lazy son of a bitch.

Michael Kelso: Laurie, what's going on? You're acting like you're liking me, and that's weird.

Laurie Forman: Like I told you, Kelso. I'm bored.

Michael Kelso: Well, that's very flattering.

Steven Hyde: Look man, I gotta talk to you about some things that happened while you were gone this summer.

Michael Kelso: Hyde, if this isn't about free ice cream, naked volleyball or a dog wearing a hat and sunglasses, I'd rather not know.

[the guys go to see 'Star Wars']

Steven Hyde: Hey, Forman. This movie better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm gonna be super-pissed.

Donna Pinciotti: Just because a guy wants to pay attention to me, does not mean he wants to see me naked.

Eric: OH, GROW UP.

Donna Pinciotti: Is that why you pay attention to me?

Eric: OF COURSE... not. Of course not. I love your mind. That's the thing I love.

Michael Kelso: So Jackie, do you wanna go see 'Star Wars' tonight?

Jackie Burkhardt: Now Michael, I told you. I don't like space.

Kitty Forman: I have bad news. Midge left Bob.

Eric: Are you sure? I mean, she could just be lost in the backyard.

Eric: Donna can't be smarter than me because I'm the man, and that's just the way it is.

Kitty Forman: Well, I do better on tests than your father, but he's the one brave enough to kill spiders. And since we've been married how many tests have I taken? None. How many spiders have your father killed? Hundreds.

Eric: But, Mom... SPIDERS FREAK ME OUT.

[Donna, Jackie, Laurie and Ms. McGee are smoking up]

Donna Pinciotti: You know, I just realized that I'm the only one here who hasn't been with Kelso. I just have two things to say- EWWW and THANK GOD.

Jackie Burkhardt: Your mom can't hang out with Donna. Don't you know what women talk about when they're alone?

Eric: Sugar and spice and everything nice?

Jackie Burkhardt: That's what we're made of, you dumbass.

Eric: Leo, you sell promise rings?

Leo: Yeah, man. I sell rings and... other stuff.

Eric: Ohh... We'll take two promise rings, and a misdemeanor's worth of the other stuff.

Eric: Did you tell anybody we're engaged?

Donna Pinciotti: Yes, Eric, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged.

Eric: Ok, no need to be sarcastic.

Donna Pinciotti: No, seriously, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged.

Eric: Okay, I just want to tell you that this play will be done like always. That means that all of your ideas, while interesting, are stupid.

[to Jackie]

Eric: No unicorns.

[to Fez]

Eric: No lifeguards.

[to Donna]

Eric: No wise women.

[to Kelso]

Eric: No spacemen. Now, we need the wise men. Anybody got any suggestions.

[Kelso raises his hand]

Eric: Kelso, I swear to god, if you say "Space Wisemen" I will kick you in the head.

[Kelso lowers his hand]

Jackie Burkhardt: [points to Rhonda] Michael, why am I not in the loop? Why is she in the loop?

Michael Kelso: Uhh... Jackie, I don't know what loop it is you're talking about. But, if she's in it, I don't think there's any room for you.

Steven Hyde: Ma, I'm going to the prom.

Edna Hyde: THEY'RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU.

Steven Hyde: Gee, ma, you're making the moment too damn special.

Jackie Burkhardt: If somebody doesn't tell me I'm cute in the next five minutes, my head will explode.

Red Forman: Bud, being a teenager is like being in a war. One minute, you're crawling around blind. Next minute, you get your foot blown off.

Bud Hyde: I wouldn't know anything about that. Never been to war. I was a conscientious.

[Red looks at him menacingly]

Bud Hyde: Uhh... Canadian.

[Everybody's going bowling]

Fez: Do I have to use the pink ladies' ball again?

Steven Hyde: Fez, Fez, Fez. You know the answer to that question.

Fez: [frustrated] Pink ladies' ball until I lose my virginity.

Coach Ferguson: Well, well. Mr. Hyde, in school after hours? What are you trying to establish an alibi?

Steven Hyde: Coach Ferguson. Shouldn't you be out teaching boys to play with balls?

Michael Kelso: A GOOD girlfriend accepts her guy no matter what. Now, Jackie was always trying to change me.

[Imitating Jackie]

Michael Kelso: Grow up, Michael! Act your age, Michael! Stop shooting grandma with the water pistol, Michael!

Jackie Burkhardt: She's 92, Michael.

Michael Kelso: She had JAM on her FACE!

Eric: [Eavesdropping through the glass door on the parents' discussion about the news of Donna and Eric's engagement] I'm trying to read Red's lips, but I can't make it out - he keeps calling me a stupid duck.

[pause until he figures it out]

Eric: Ahhhhh.

Kitty Forman: Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember now, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow who never calls a child 'dumbass.'

[about an attractive new cashier at Price Mart]

Steven Hyde: Forman, you have a responsibility to all of us. You have to find out what's under that smock.

Michael Kelso: I bet it's boobs.

Leo: Hi, Red. Would you give these to Kitty, please?

[hands Red flowers]

Leo: Oh, and tell her I love her. Thanks.

[leaves]

Red Forman: Oh, Kitty. These are for you. Looks like you got a date with a stoner.

[Red and Kitty laugh]

Kitty Forman: [takes flowers and reads attached note] "Roses are red, violets are blue. Milk, eggs, coffee."

Kitty Forman: I want to have a baby.

Red Forman: You still got Eric. He's kinda like a baby. I can make him cry if you want to.

Steven Hyde: Face it, Forman, Donna has bad taste. I mean, look at her dad. The apple doesn't fall far from the Bob.

Jackie Burkhardt: Being a model was my and Michael's dream... for me.

[cut to a scene of Jackie imagining being a model and then back to reality]

Eric: Hmmm... In your fantasy you're a model, and Kelso's... not there. In reality Kelso's a model, and you sell cheese. Interesting...

[There's a live firecracker, and they have to get it]

Michael Kelso: Ok, Forman, you go get it.

Eric: Why me?

Michael Kelso: Because you're the skinniest one here. If anything blows up, you're the least likely get stuff fly at you.

Eric: Yeah... But if you go it would be better. I mean, who would be surprised if you blew yourself up?

Michael Kelso: Good point...

Eric: Everything costs money. Gas. Food. Parties. Fun.

Michael Kelso: Dates. Dates cost money.

Fez: No, Kelso, that is prostitution.

Steven Hyde: No, Fez, dating IS prostitution. Only, you don't always get what you paid for.

Fez: Stop touching each other. It gives me needs...

Steven Hyde: Act tough, Forman.

Eric: I'm not tough.

Steven Hyde: That's why I said 'act.'

Kitty Forman: Ok. Ok. Let's just keep the game going.

[picks a card]

Kitty Forman: Donna. If you were a shoe, whose shoe would you be?

Donna Pinciotti: Well, I wouldn't want to be Red's shoe because it's about to go into somebody's ass.

[the kids want to throw a party]

Red Forman: Why here? Why is it always here?

Kitty Forman: Well, what do you want them to do? Throw the party in the street?

Red Forman: Yes. They puke in the street, the city cleans it up.

Kitty Forman: You know, maybe Eric's test score is a blessing. It will be a good story when he's a senator.

Red Forman: Senator? The word you're looking for is JANITOR.

[the family goes to the Price Mart Ball]

Eric: I could get a date.

[Red laughs]

Eric: I've got numbers, buddy.

Kitty Forman: Sure you do, honey. You're number one with me.

[the guys go to a disco]

Fez: Okay, that's it. You must let me in.

The Bouncer: Why?

Fez: Because I feel the hard rhythm of disco burning in my loins.

[Eric and Donna are engaged]

Eric: Don't tell Donna I told you, okay? She'd kill me. It's supposed to be a secret.

Fez: Of course its supposed to be a secret. 'I'm marrying a dumbell'... who wants that spread around?

Michael Kelso: There are a lot of other hot older women out there besides Midge. And they deserve our respect.

Fez: Yes, I would love to make love to an 80-year old. They must know everything. Not just about sex, but history and trivia, too.

Kitty Forman: [about Laurie] Rosemary had a better baby than me.

Eric: I think I have everything. I got the keys, the cash, my "Who am I kidding?" condom...

[Bob is having a ridiculously festive sale at his store]

Bob Pinciotti: What are you, ashamed of me?

Donna Pinciotti: Well, look around, dad.

Bob Pinciotti: Oh, I get it. But, let me tell you something. You see a clown, I see you in college. You see your dad dressed as a ringmaster, I see you in grad school. You see a monkey in a tutu... Well that just makes me laugh.

Red Forman: What's going on?

Michael Kelso: Nothing. Just a classic case of Hand-Stuck-In-Vase.

Red Forman: Well, if you don't get your hand out of there, you're gonna have a classic case of Foot-Stuck-In-Ass.

Michael Kelso: [reading] Here's something that I did not know... they number every page.

[the guys imitate Jackie]

Steven Hyde: Michael, call me later.

Eric: Michael, do your Chico impression.

Fez: Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you.

[the guys stare at Fez]

Fez: ...please someone else talk now.

[Hyde is trying to pull a vase off Kelso's hand]

Steven Hyde: Hey, this vase smells like chocolate.

Michael Kelso: Really?

[smells the vase and Hyde shoves it in his face]

Michael Kelso: Ow. STOP DOING THAT.

Steven Hyde: GET SMARTER.

Bernice Forman: So, Kitty, Eric tells me you quit smoking.

Kitty Forman: Yes. Yes, I did, and I feel great.

Bernice Forman: [lights a cigarette] That's great.

[blows smoke in Kitty's face]

Michael Kelso: You know what? All this talk about havin' fun makes me wanna have fun. Hey. Let's throw stuff at other stuff.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, I guess it was wrong, what I did with Laurie, but I was just amusin' myself, you know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.

Fez: ...unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off.

[about Star Wars]

Michael Kelso: There's no way it's better than Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.

Midge Pinciotti: Look, Bob, even the English language is sexist. Why is it mailman and not mailwoman?

Bob Pinciotti: Yeah. And, why is it mail? It should be female.

Midge Pinciotti: Now you're thinking.

Bob Pinciotti: No, I'm not. I'm just pointing out how stupid it is.

Midge Pinciotti: You know what, Bob? You're one of them.

[storms out]

Bob Pinciotti: My wife is a maniac... Sorry, a womaniac.

Kitty Forman: Eric, you should go with your father.

Eric: But, mom...

Kitty Forman: No buts. You two don't spend enough time together.

Eric: That's because he doesn't like me.

[the women are playing cards]

Donna Pinciotti: Anybody need any cards.

Jackie Burkhardt: [gives her two cards] I need two fives.

Midge Pinciotti: I need one card.

[Donna gives her a card]

Midge Pinciotti: A five? Oh, here, Jackie. You take it.

Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, you gave her a five? I thought we were friends.

[Kelso just got bossed around by his new girlfriend]

Michael Kelso: Man, it's great to be under somebody's thumb again.

[pause]

Fez: What did your mother do to you?

Red Forman: Let's not talk about it in front of the boy.