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The King of Queens (TV Series 1998–2007) Poster

(1998–2007)

Quotes

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Did you lift your shirt and *make* them touch your belly hair?

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Arthur Spooner: Why can't you be more like Rain Man?

Doug Heffernan: My name might as well be Fatty McButterpants.

Arthur Spooner: You gotta hand it to those Japanese, though, clever people. Still a mystery to me how we ever got them to surrender in the Second World War.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Well, we did annihilate two of their cities.

Arthur Spooner: True enough. Mystery solved.

[Doug answers the phone]

Doug Heffernan: Hello... Mhm?... Oh, hold on a second, let me get him... Arthur! Phone!

Arthur Spooner: Who is it?

Doug Heffernan: It's Louis Di Robertis from some law firm.

Arthur Spooner: Tell him to drop dead!

Doug Heffernan: Okay, I am not going to tell him to drop dead.

Arthur Spooner: Then tell him to go to hell!

Doug Heffernan: Not telling him that either.

Arthur Spooner: Then you go to hell!

Doug Heffernan: You go to hell!

Arthur Spooner: Drop dead!

[Doug lifts up the phone]

Doug Heffernan: Sorry, wrong number.

[repeated line]

Doug Heffernan: Shutie!

Arthur Spooner: Darling, I need to borrow the iron.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Dad, I told you. If you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Dad, Doug and I were just thinking...

Arthur Spooner: [to Doug] Well, I hope you didn't strain yourself. I kid out of love.

Arthur Spooner: Ah, Paris. I haven't been back there since we liberated her in '44. The City Of Lights knew peace once more. I also got the clap, but that's a another story for another time.

[Doug and Carrie are arguing about their parents]

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Don't you bring my father into this!

Doug Heffernan: He's out of his mind! He cancelled our cable, because the cable company wouldn't pay him each time they ran the movie "Arthur"!

[Arthur has put dirty dishes in the cupboard]

Doug Heffernan: No big deal. We'll just reload the dishwasher and wash 'em. Okay, which of these did you already put away?

Arthur Spooner: Let's see, I definitely remember putting away a blue bowl with big white and yellow sunflowers on it.

Doug Heffernan: Okay, we don't own anything close to that.

Doug Heffernan: Friends just keep you away from TV.

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Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Hasn't anyone said you look like someone?

Doug Heffernan: Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?

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Spence Olchin: Oh my God! My TiVo thinks I'm gay!

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Arthur Spooner: Why do we have to sit so close to the kitchen? Is it because we're black?

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[Doug and Deacon are locked in a refrigerated truck with penguins]

Doug Heffernan: "Warning: Please retain key as refrigerated trucks are not equipped with interior door handles". Mother of ass!

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Doug Heffernan: Son of a mother!

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Carrie Spooner Heffernan: What movie do you want to see?

Kelly Palmer: Something brainless. What's that thriller where the Earth starts to lose its gravitational pull?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Oh, yeah... "Floaters".

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Doug Heffernan: All right, I'm glad you're all gathered here. Because you're about to hear the story of a driver, a swollen ankle, and get this, an iguana.

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Arthur Spooner: You know, we're quite a team. Like Jake and the Fatman. Needless to say, I'm Jake.

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Arthur Spooner: It seems to have reached optimal temperature. Now hit me with a load of Dougie batter.

Doug Heffernan: Let's see how the waffles go and see what happens.

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Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Is this how you take a bath?

Spence Olchin: Yes.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You look like Ernie from Sesame Street.

Spence Olchin: What did I do to you?

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Doug Heffernan: No longer being Mastercard's bitch? Priceless!

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Doug Heffernan: I'm going to come up with something so romantic and heartfelt it's gonna make you feel like a piece of crap! A piece of crap!

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[Arthur is moving up to sleep in the room next to Carrie and Doug's bedroom]

Arthur Spooner: Well, hello there, neighbour!

Doug Heffernan: Hello. Why did he call me neighbour?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: I'm moving him up here tonight, the basement was freezing.

Doug Heffernan: How freezing?

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Arthur Spooner: What's going on?

Doug Heffernan: It's Carrie. The weirdest thing, every time we get together with our friends to play board games, she cheats.

Arthur Spooner: She cheats? That little girl? That's impossible.

Doug Heffernan: Arthur, I've seen her do it.

Arthur Spooner: No, no. She may put some cotton in her bra from time to time, but she does not cheat at board games!

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Joe Heffernan: You're out of your mind!

Arthur Spooner: I've never been more in my mind!

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Ray Barone: What you got going on here? Log of salami, chips and cheese. I guess you're not buying in to this whole cholesterol thing, huh?

Doug Heffernan: I buy in to it, I just wanna see how high I can get the numbers.

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Arthur Spooner: Nobody squeals like Ned Beatty!

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Arthur Spooner: Sure, Douglas, you're white hot. You rode the frog to the top, but lady luck can be a fickle whore.

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[Doug is watching Gilligan's Island]

Doug Heffernan: Oh my god. I'm fatter than the Skipper.

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Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Dad, why have you been hanging around that school playground?

Arthur Spooner: Business.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Not selling those dumb ribbons, I hope.

Arthur Spooner: Let's just say kids will be running home to their mommies to tell them about their encounter with the Ribbon Man.

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Danny Heffernan: [while watching Football on a portable TV during Thanksgiving Dinner] Son Of An Ass!

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[Doug, Deacon and Arthur are going to babysit Major and spend some time together]

Kelly Palmer: Okay, honey you are all set. Here is your "see and say"... Here is pinkys, whites, towels, diapers and buttcream.

Arthur Spooner: Buttcream?, where is this day headin'?

[Arthur looks at Doug]

Doug Heffernan: Yeah, You wish!

Arthur Spooner: Like I waste a wish on that, huh?

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Deacon Palmer: Douglas S. Heffernan... whats your second name?

Doug Heffernan: Steven. And yours?

Deacon Palmer: John.

See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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