Ezekiel Stone: You loved her, didn't you?
The Devil: I never loved anyone but God, and that was a long time ago.
Ezekiel Stone: Why don't you try and just enjoy some of the beautiful things in this world? Just one. Try it on for size.
The Devil: Believe me, it won't fit.
[Stone brushes his teeth]
The Devil: Four out of five dentists surveyed agree, tooth decay is no longer a problem... once you're dead.
[as Stone goes through someone's mailbox]
Ashe: Pardon me for interrupting you here, but that happens to be a federal crime. Is that within your jurisdiction, too?
Ezekiel Stone: I answer to a lower power.
The Devil: God's universe is not like the American legal system. You do something, you pay for it.
[the Devil and Stone meet in an elevator for a conference]
The Devil: You know, before they invented the elevator, I had to walk all the way from hell.
Ezekiel Stone: Glad to hear it.
The Devil: Second throughts, Ezekiel?
Ezekiel Stone: Can't you find someone else to torture?
The Devil: Millions of them. They can wait. Everyone's in such a rush. I say, stop and smell the burning flesh of sinners.
Ezekiel Stone: What the hell do you know about love?
The Devil: Love, the most delicious emotion of all. Without love you and I would be out of a job.
The Devil: You don't have any friends, Ezekial. You're not only really dead, you're really most sincerely dead.
Ezekiel Stone: Isn't that from "The Wizard of Oz"?
The Devil: I HATE that movie.
Father Horn: The Devil, he appears to you as a man?
Ezekiel Stone: Yeah. He looks a lot like a kid I used to beat the crap out of in sixth grade... I'm sure that's on purpose.
[the Devil interrupts Stone as he's having breakfast]
Ezekiel Stone: What do you want?
The Devil: Your every waking moment consumed with holding up your end of our bargain.
Ezekiel Stone: Man's gotta eat.
The Devil: A living man, perhaps. But, for you, this would be classified as recreation. Like those idle thoughts of yours replaying that sweet bygone day over and over. As if, you're expecting a different outcome. Some people would call that insane.
Ezekiel Stone: Yeah? What would they call a conversation with the Devil over breakfast?
Ezekiel Stone: [seeing The Devil disguised as a motorcycle cop] Don't you know it's against the law to impersonate a police officer?
The Devil: What do you think you're doing, Ezekiel? You're impersonating a human being.
The Devil: If it means anything, I'm sorry. Sort of. Well... no, I'm not.
The Angel: Yours is a divine purpose, Ezekiel.
Ezekiel Stone: [referring to the Devil] He'd freak if he heard that.
The Angel: Good. Let him freak.
[Going through Stone's mail]
The Devil: Junk mail, mostly. One of my lesser triumphs.
[after Stone has sent two souls back to hell]
The Devil: Good work, Ezekiel. Two birds with one "Stone."
The Devil: Did you know the thorns were originally my idea?
[Stone defends killing his wife's rapist]
The Devil: Yes, yes, now that's what I like to hear. The indomitable spirit and righteous indignation of the human species. I've heard it a million times defending a billion atrocities, and it's still music to my ears.
The Devil: Thanks to global warming, it gets more and more comfortable for me up here every day.
Ezekiel Stone: Get out of my head.
The Devil: As if you could wrap your brain in barbed wire to keep me out. That is a delightful image, however.
[From the opening credits]
Ezekiel Stone: I was a cop. When my wife was raped, I caught the guy who did it, and I killed him. Two months later, I died. I went to Hell. A hundred and thirteen of the most vile creatures... escaped.
The Devil: They think they'll beat the Devil. Nobody beats me!
Ezekiel Stone: So how am I supposed to send them back?
The Devil: The eyes: windows to the soul. Destroy the eyes, and the damned get a one-way ticket back home to Hell. But it's not Hell you should be scared of. It's losing your second chance at life on Earth!
Ezekiel Stone: Time to give the Devil his due!
The Devil: More tears have been shed for answered prayers than for those that go unheard.
Desk Clerk: Where have you been?
Ezekiel Stone: Out of the country.
Desk Clerk: Oh, where?
Ezekiel Stone: Down under.
Ezekiel Stone: You a football fan?
Father Horn: I love the Saints.
Father Horn: That's from the Vatican jokebook.
The Devil: Vanilla? Where's the waitress? I only eat Rocky Road.
The Devil: I have always advocated family values, all the way back to Cain and Abel.
Ezekiel Stone: You know, I gotta tell you, I'm getting a little tired of breaking into desks and rifling through filing cabinets. I feel like I'm on a rerun of "Magnum P.I."
[Stone tries to convince the Devil to let him have a car]
Ezekiel Stone: It's not New York any more. Nobody wants to walk around here. Plus, the buses suck.
The Devil: Now wait a minute. Fifteen years in Hell, now you're back on Earth and you're complaining. Oh, because you have to walk. You're not going Hollywood on me, are you, Zeke?
Ezekiel Stone: [reading his own headstone] "Ezekiel Stone, Beloved Husband, Detective NYPD, Died Defending The Citizens Of New York. The City, She Weepeth Sore in the Night, Her Tears Are On Her Cheeks."
The Devil: [mocking Ezekiel Stone for buying flowers for Lt. Ash] Will you listen to yourself? Take your head out of Cupid's ass, Ezekiel. You've got more pressing business to take care of.
Ezekiel Stone: You know, you should be grateful. You should be happy. Every week I send one of your sinners back to Hell. You do nothing but complain.
The Devil: Don't get so cocky, detective! You know what over-confidence leads to, don't you? You get bit in the ass!