The makers of this film have a debt of $5.88 they owe me.
Welp, against her better judgment, Stephanie bought Michael Paré's latest bomb on DVD the other day. You know you're in for trouble when a newly released DVD costs ONLY $5.88 and stars Michael Paré AND Lorenzo Lamas.
We knew we were in for a stink-fest, so we invited a couple of friends over and made an evening of it. How bad was the movie? It was horrible. It would be in my "Top 5 Worst Movies" list, but I've seen more than 5 Michael Paré movies, so that makes it harder to judge. It was pretty bad even by Michael Paré standards though, so it's definitely high on the list. What makes this movie even worse is that everybody made it seem like they were trying. Some highlights:
*The bright beam of light coming from Lamas' refrigerator. I have no idea what that was about. Either the Heavenly Host was hanging out in his fridge, or he had a pair of headlights in there.
*Paré has a strong-arm (i.e. a bodyguard/enforcer) that has no muscle tone, a pot belly, is about 60 years old, and wears some outfit that you'd expect your grandpa to wear while on vacation in Florida. They couldn't get somebody that fit the role? Come on.
*In one scene, after Paré has hit Lamas in the face, the strong-arm says to Lamas, "It looks like you just drank sour milk." I'll have to remember to use that one at work sometime.
*While visiting his dad in the hospital, Lamas actually says to him, "I hear you took a turn for the nurse." Whew.
*Lamas' dad's arm got cut off when it was caught in a printer. I can't even begin to describe how fake it looked when they showed where it was cut. And the length of the remaining part of his arm kept fluctuating throughout the movie. The best was when you could see the elbow poking out through dude's shirt. Wait a minute! I thought he lost his arm! What's going on here?!?!?
*The vocals would fade in and out. Sounded like a warped tape. Many times you couldn't hear the vocals and other times they'd be bursting your ear drums. AND THIS IS A BRAND NEW DVD!
*The production values are about what you'd expect from a 1970 made-for-TV movie, yet the movie was made in 1998.
*The tagline on the DVD reads, "No one escapes THIS collection service."
You should know by now whether this is something you wanna check out.
I think you get the point. If you like to watch really bad movies for a laugh, then this one might satisfy your appetite. It's best to watch it with some friends though so y'all can make fun of it together. I definitely couldn't have sat through this alone.
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