Rude Awakening (1998–2001)
Billie Frank: I think that we should do something that makes us feel better.
Dave Parelli: What is there besides sex?
Billie Frank: Häagen-Dazs!
Billie Frank: Apparently God has chosen to punish me by making me work for someone who actually wants me to work.
Billie: The first picture of me in my family album, I'm two days old and my mother's breast-feeding the doctor.
Dave: Billie, this'll be hard but I need you to think of someone other than yourself for a moment...
Trudy Frank: [to Billie] How dare you tell all your friends I'm a drunken potato-headed whore?
Billie Frank: How do I know you don't badmouth me to your friends when I'm not there?
Trudy Frank: Because, darling, when you're not here I forget all about you.
Dave Parelli: Remember that anesthesiologist I was dating and I cheated on her with her sister? I just told her about it and she forgave me. We sat down, had a nice cup of tea, and...
Dave Parelli: and I don't really remember what happened after that.
Billie Frank: Mom, with you in A.A., are you sure it's a good idea to *drink*?
Trudy Frank: Don't be ridiculous darling, it's always a good idea to drink.
Billie Frank: Mother, I'm in A.A. for real. I go every day. It's not a hobby, it's not a place to pick up guys - most of the time. I'm struggling with sobriety. You haven't even *met* sobriety.
Billie Frank: Hi, I'm Billie, but all my friends call me "Oh Crap, Here Comes Billie."
Dave: I like the sound the glass makes when the bartender puts it on the counter. I like the way it feels in my hand. I bring it in close, and I can smell it, and a wave of relief goes through my body even before I take the first sip.
Billie: You're slow. I'd be on my third one by now.
Billie: Why should you get what you want when I can't get what I want?
Dave: Because life is unfair and I'm really horny.
Billie Frank: Alright, alright, I admit it. I'm a fiscally irresponsible, emotionally unstable, former drunk. But that shouldn't *no way* prejudice your decision to maybe, you know, hopefully give me an advance?
Sidney Gibson: An advance? You don't earn the money I pay you.
Billie: May I confide in you as a friend?
Sidney Gibson: No.
Billie: Fine. Then as an acquaintance.
[she sighs and sits]
Billie: You know, lately, my life has been really crappy. Yeah... haven't had sex in over months, my landlord is raising my rents!
Sidney Gibson: So sleep with him.
Billie: [asking for an advance] Hey, Siddy Sid Sid... you're like the mother I never had.
Sidney Gibson: Forget it.
Billie: Now you're like the mother I have.
Trudy Frank: A drink without liquor? Oh, what's the point?
Billie Frank: How about, driving your car legally, or maybe remembering your name... Or, not pursuing a liver at the age of fifty.
Trudy Frank: Fifty? I beat the odds.
Trudy: Because of me, you lived here, rent-free, for years.
Billie: Mother, I was a child!
Trudy: An ungrateful one.
Trudy Frank: [to Billie] I gave you life! The least you could do is cheerfully answer the door.
Sidney Gibson: [about the new web page Billie's supposed to take care of] Are we on the internet yet?
Billie Frank: Didn't you hear the internet's closed today?
Jackie: If anyone can bounce back, it's me; I'm like the Energizer Junkie.
Dave: [to Billie] Hey, the next time you invite me to a family gathering, could you make sure it's not your family!
Billie Frank: Come on Dave, please, I need your help, I'm begging you, and I don't usually beg! Well, not with my clothes on, anyway.
Billie: Carl, what if I told you I was really drunk last night and... the only reason I slept with you is because, well, I don't know why I slept with you, *but* it's never gonna happen again.
Trudy: [Billie just arrived at her mother's house] Oh Billie, would like a frozen Prozac on a stick? Or, as I'd like to call it - Frozac. It's great on those late summer afternoons when you're really depressed.