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Alice in Wonderland (TV Movie 1999) Poster

(1999 TV Movie)

Quotes

Alice: I think carefully before acting rashly.

Queen of Hearts: Sound advice.

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Tweedledee: I was an advisor to the British army.

Tweedledum: I advised them not to take him, but they wouldn't listen.

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Alice: You don't seem to have much riding practice.

White Knight: What makes you say that?

Alice: You keep falling off your horse!

White Knight: I've had plenty of practice at THAT, plenty of practice!

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Queen of Hearts: [nervously] Lovely day, Your Majesty...

Queen of Hearts: I gave you fair warning: either you or your head must be OFF!

[Faced with such a proposal, the Duchess decides to take off]

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Alice: You have to tread with care when dealing with cats, they have influence and are seen in all the smart places.

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Queen of Hearts: Cedric! You must cross-examine the witness!

King of Hearts: [sigh] Oh, must I?

Queen of Hearts: Yes, Cedric, be a man.

King of Hearts: [sigh] Oh, all right.

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Mad Hatter: Time marches on its stomach! Ah-haha!

Alice: It's an army that marches on its stomach!

The March Hare: Odd sort of army, marching on its stomach. I don't like the idea, yuck!

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Alice: I don't want to meet mad people...

Cheshire Cat: But you can't help it. Everyone here is mad. I'm mad. You're mad. It's only by chance n' careful planning if you're not!

Alice: How do you know I'M mad?

Cheshire Cat: [disappearing] Because you're here, and everyone here is mad!

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Cheshire Cat: I went to a hunting party once, I didn't like it. Terrible people. They all started hunting me!

Alice: Life must be hard for you.

Cheshire Cat: But I grin and bear it!

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[Alice arrives at the Mad Tea Party]

Alice: I'm lost. Could I get some - ?

The March Hare: No room!

Mad Hatter: There's no room!

Alice: [indignant] There's *plenty* of room!

The March Hare: Why didn't you report this sooner, Hatty?

Mad Hatter: I overslept!

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The March Hare: [in an encouraging tone] Have some wine.

Alice: [looking down the table] I don't see any wine.

The March Hare: There isn't any. And you're too young.

Alice: Then it wasn't very nice of you to offer it.

The March Hare: It wasn't very nice of *you* to sit down without an invitation! This is a *private* soirée.

Alice: Well, I suppose I shouldn't have just barged in when I know I wasn't invited. But the table was laid out for a lot of people.

Mad Hatter: My response to that is both profound and meaningful: get your hair cut!

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White Knight: Just be brave, and always get back on your horse!

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White Knight: [to Alice] You look worried. You're too young to worry.

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[Tweedledum and Tweedledee offer to tell Alice a story]

Alice: I'm sorry, I don't have the time...

Tweedledee: Neither do we! We never carry a watch!

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Mad Hatter: [singing] Auntie's wooden leg...

March Hare: I say, I say, I say...

Mad Hatter: How dare you interrupt my song with "I say, I say, I say!"

March Hare: I say, I say, I say in this world it's now what you know but WHOM you know!

Mad Hatter: I don't know either one of them!

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Mad Hatter: [singing] Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, / How I wonder what you're at / Up above the world so high / Like a tea tray in the sky...

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The Dormouse: Officer, these men are criminals!

Mad Hatter: Who's got his ear trumpet?

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[some talking daisies insult Alice]

Alice: If you're not quiet, I'll make you into a chain!

[the daisies shut up]

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[Alice bangs on the door to the Duchess's palace]

Fishface Footman: It's no good your knocking like that.

Alice: Why not?

Fishface Footman: Two good reasons. One: because I'm on the same side of the door as you.

Alice: Oh, yes...

Fishface Footman: Two: they're making so much noise inside no one can hear you.

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Alice: [thinking about the riddle] Why is a raven like a writing desk... you know, I-I'm pretty sure I can guess.

The March Hare: You mean you think you know the answer?

Alice: Yes.

The March Hare: Well, then, you should say what you mean.

Alice: Well, I do. At-at least, at least I mean what I say, that-that is the same thing.

Mad Hatter: It's not the same thing at all. You might as well say "I eat what I see" is the same thing as "I see what I eat!"

[a pie sprouts crab legs and crawls across the table]

The March Hare: [eyeing the pie, picking up a fly swatter] You might as well say "I like what I get" is the same as "I get what I like!"

[whacks the pie]

The Dormouse: [talking in his sleep, then suddenly awake] Aah! You-you, or you might as well say "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe."

[nods off]

Mad Hatter: Well, it is the same thing with you.

[chuckles]

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The Gryphon: Hello! Who are you?

Alice: Alice.

The Gryphon: Alice... a charming misnomer.

Alice: And you are...?

The Gryphon: A Griffin! Part eagle, part lion - the best of each, I always say!

Alice: I thought you were a mythical creature.

The Gryphon: I am! That makes me even more fffffascinating!

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Mad Hatter: [looking at his watch] What day of the month is it?

Alice: The fourth.

Mad Hatter: Aha! Two days wrong!

[glares at the March Hare]

Mad Hatter: I told you not to use butter!

The March Hare: It was the best butter.

The Dormouse: Danish, mmm.

Mad Hatter: Some crumbs must have got into it as well. I said, don't put butter in the works with a bread knife!

The March Hare: I couldn't put it in with a fork, could I? Here, let me see...

Mad Hatter: [capricious] I don't want to *give* it to you, but I will!

The March Hare: [the Hare takes the watch and examines it; first by banging it on the table, and then by dipping it into his teacup] I don't understand it. It was the best butter.

The Dormouse: Danish.

Alice: [the Hare tosses the watch over to Alice, who picks it up and studies it] It's a funny watch. It tells the day of the month, but not the time.

Mad Hatter: Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?

Alice: No, because it stays a year for so long.

Mad Hatter: Oh then, I rest my case.

The March Hare: Where?

Alice: [points to a pile of suitcases] There.

Mad Hatter: Well, then, I rest my case!

The March Hare: Where?

Mad Hatter: [points to a pile of suitcases] There.

[breaks into laughter]

The March Hare: [dully] I know when I'm beaten.

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[the Mock Turtle begins his tale]

Mock Turtle: Once...

[starts moaning and wringing his hands]

Mock Turtle: I was once a real turtle...

[breaks down completely]

Alice: [rises to leave] Thank you for that very interesting story...

Mock Turtle: I haven't started yet!

The Gryphon: [half-pleading] Stay! You may learn something!

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Alice: I'm not staying here listening for you to be rude.

The March Hare: You'll find better places for that, I'm sure.

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Alice: If you drink too much from a bottle marked "poison," it's almost certain to disagree with you sooner or later.

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Mad Hatter: Personal remarks are rude?

Alice: Mm-hmm.

Mad Hatter: Egad, you learn something new every day. Make a note of that, Marchy, it might come in useful.

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Mock Turtle: When Griff and I were little, we went to school in the same sea. And the master was an old turtle; we used to call him "tortoise."

Alice: Why would you call him tortoise if he wasn't one?

Mock Turtle: We called him "tortoise" because he "tort-us."... He tort us reading and writing...

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White Knight: I see you're admiring my box. It's my own invention, to keep sandwiches in. You see, I carry it upside-down so they don't get wet when it rains.

Alice: ...But they can drop out. The lid is open.

White Knight: So, THAT's what happened to my sandwiches.

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Alice: What are they doing? They can't have anything to write; the trial hasn't even begun yet.

Duchess: They're writing down their own names in case they forget them by the time the trial is over.

Alice: Stupid things.

Jury Member 1: Stupid... how do you spell "stupid"?

Jury Member 2: Uhhh, S... T... what comes after T?

Jury Member 3: Dinner.

Jury Member 4: Is it dinner time? It's dinner time!

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Alice: Why am I here?

Duchess: To save Jack from a death worse than fate!

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Alice: Oh Tiger Lily, I wish you could talk so you could tell me how to get out of this wood.

Tiger Lily: I can talk, when there's anybody worth talking to!

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Queen of Hearts: I am NOT in the habit of talking to myself.

[aside]

Queen of Hearts: Even though it's the only way I can get a decent conversation around here.

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The March Hare: Waiter, waiter, there's a HARE in my soup!

Mad Hatter: Is it blonde? We're missing a waitress!

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Alice: How can you keep talking like that?

White Knight: Like what?

Alice: Head downwards, and body in the air!

White Knight: What does it matter where my head and body are? My mind goes on working just the same...

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Mad Hatter: Now, I have one for you.

The March Hare: Ooh!

Mad Hatter: Why is a raven like a writing table?

The March Hare: Why is a raven...?

Mad Hatter: I'm not talking to *you*?

The March Hare: Why not? Aren't I good enough?

Mad Hatter: You've heard it before.

The March Hare: But you were looking at *me* when you said, "Why is a raven like a writing..."

Mad Hatter: [angry] I'm asking Alice!

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Cheshire Cat: How're you enjoying the game?

Alice: They don't play very fair.

Cheshire Cat: No one does if they think they can get away with it. That's a lesson you'll have to learn.

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Tweedledee: Well, all's well that ends well...

Tweedledum: What is THAT?

[points at a broken rattle]

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Alice: Would you stop grumping like that? You sound as if you've turned into a pig... you HAVE turned into a pig! I'd better let you go...

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[trying to stuff the Dormouse into a teapot]

Mad Hatter: I told you he wouldn't fit!

March Hare: Oh, he'll fit! We just have to push harder!

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Alice: Curiouser and curiouser...

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King of Hearts: How do we get rid of a floating cat?

Queen of Hearts: Off with its head!

King of Hearts: Brilliant!

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[repeated line]

Queen of Hearts: Off with your head!

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Alice: When I used to read about fairy tales, I never thought I would end up in the middle of one. There ought to be a story written about me. Perhaps one day, when I've grown up, I'll write one...

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[the Cheshire Cat grins at the King of Hearts, vexing him]

Alice: A cat may look at a king.

King of Hearts: Where did you get that?

Alice: I read it in a book.

King of Hearts: I haven't. But I don't like it. It has undertones. That book should be banned.

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[about the Mock Turtle]

The Gryphon: He's my best friend. True blue, true and true...

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The Gryphon: Mock, tell this young girl about yourself!

Mock Turtle: You've come to the right person. Sit down, both of you...

The Gryphon: No, thanks, I've heard it before...

Mock Turtle: Sit down! It's the least you can do!

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White Knight: Is your hair fixed on your head right?

Alice: Only in the usual way.

White Knight: Well, that's not good enough! The wind around here is as strong as soup!

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The White Rabbit: Oh my furry ears and whiskers, look how late it's getting!

[rushes off]

The White Rabbit: Ooh!

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Alice: [voiceover, as she watches the White Rabbit rush off, then slowly follows him] Perhaps I fell right *through* the earth, then - came out the other side. Yet, I'll have to ask somebody the name of the country. "Please, ma'am, is this New Zealand or Australia?"

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Alice: [falling down the rabbit hole] I wonder what latitude or longitude I've gotten to? I've no idea what latitude or longitude are, but they're grand words. Longitude, latitude...

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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