Alice in Wonderland (1999 TV Movie)
Alice: You have to tread with care when dealing with cats, they have influence and are seen in all the smart places.
Queen of Hearts: Cedric! You must cross-examine the witness!
King of Hearts: [sigh] Oh, must I?
Queen of Hearts: Yes, Cedric, be a man.
King of Hearts: [sigh] Oh, all right.
Alice: I'm not staying here listening for you to be rude.
The March Hare: You'll find better places for that, I'm sure.
Alice: If you drink too much from a bottle marked "poison," it's almost certain to disagree with you sooner or later.
Alice: I think carefully before acting rashly.
Queen of Hearts: Sound advice.
Tweedledee: I was an advisor to the British army.
Tweedledum: I advised them not to take him, but they wouldn't listen.
Alice: You don't seem to have much riding practice.
White Knight: What makes you say that?
Alice: You keep falling off your horse!
White Knight: I've had plenty of practice at THAT, plenty of practice!
Mad Hatter: Personal remarks are rude?
Mad Hatter: Egad, you learn something new every day. Make a note of that, Marchy, it might come in useful.
Queen of Hearts: [nervously] Lovely day, Your Majesty...
Queen of Hearts: I gave you fair warning: either you or your head must be OFF!
[Faced with such a proposal, the Duchess decides to take off]
Mock Turtle: When Griff and I were little, we went to school in the same sea. And the master was an old turtle; we used to call him "tortoise."
Alice: Why would you call him tortoise if he wasn't one?
Mock Turtle: We called him "tortoise" because he "tort-us."... He tort us reading and writing...
White Knight: I see you're admiring my box. It's my own invention, to keep sandwiches in. You see, I carry it upside-down so they don't get wet when it rains.
Alice: ...But they can drop out. The lid is open.
White Knight: So, THAT's what happened to my sandwiches.
Alice: What are they doing? They can't have anything to write; the trial hasn't even begun yet.
Duchess: They're writing down their own names in case they forget them by the time the trial is over.
Alice: Stupid things.
Jury Member 1: Stupid... how do you spell "stupid"?
Jury Member 2: Uhhh, S... T... what comes after T?
Jury Member 3: Dinner.
Jury Member 4: Is it dinner time? It's dinner time!
Alice: Why am I here?
Duchess: To save Jack from a death worse than fate!
Alice: Oh Tiger Lily, I wish you could talk so you could tell me how to get out of this wood.
Tiger Lily: I can talk, when there's anybody worth talking to!
Queen of Hearts: I am NOT in the habit of talking to myself.
Queen of Hearts: Even though it's the only way I can get a decent conversation around here.
Mad Hatter: Time marches on its stomach! Ah-haha!
Alice: It's an army that marches on its stomach!
The March Hare: Odd sort of army, marching on its stomach. I don't like the idea, yuck!
Alice: I don't want to meet mad people...
Cheshire Cat: But you can't help it. Everyone here is mad. I'm mad. You're mad. It's only by chance n' careful planning if you're not!
Alice: How do you know I'M mad?
Cheshire Cat: [disappearing] Because you're here, and everyone here is mad!
Cheshire Cat: I went to a hunting party once, I didn't like it. Terrible people. They all started hunting me!
Alice: Life must be hard for you.
Cheshire Cat: But I grin and bear it!
[Alice arrives at the Mad Tea Party]
Alice: I'm lost. Could I get some - ?
The March Hare: No room!
Mad Hatter: There's no room!
Alice: [indignant] There's *plenty* of room!
The March Hare: Why didn't you report this sooner, Hatty?
Mad Hatter: I overslept!
The March Hare: Waiter, waiter, there's a HARE in my soup!
Mad Hatter: Is it blonde? We're missing a waitress!
The March Hare: [in an encouraging tone] Have some wine.
Alice: [looking down the table] I don't see any wine.
The March Hare: There isn't any. And you're too young.
Alice: Then it wasn't very nice of you to offer it.
The March Hare: It wasn't very nice of *you* to sit down without an invitation! This is a *private* soirée.
Alice: Well, I suppose I shouldn't have just barged in when I know I wasn't invited. But the table was laid out for a lot of people.
Mad Hatter: My response to that is both profound and meaningful: get your hair cut!
Alice: How can you keep talking like that?
White Knight: Like what?
Alice: Head downwards, and body in the air!
White Knight: What does it matter where my head and body are? My mind goes on working just the same...
Mad Hatter: Now, I have one for you.
The March Hare: Ooh!
Mad Hatter: Why is a raven like a writing table?
The March Hare: Why is a raven...?
Mad Hatter: I'm not talking to *you*?
The March Hare: Why not? Aren't I good enough?
Mad Hatter: You've heard it before.
The March Hare: But you were looking at *me* when you said, "Why is a raven like a writing..."
Mad Hatter: [angry] I'm asking Alice!
Cheshire Cat: How're you enjoying the game?
Alice: They don't play very fair.
Cheshire Cat: No one does if they think they can get away with it. That's a lesson you'll have to learn.
White Knight: [to Alice] You look worried. You're too young to worry.
[Tweedledum and Tweedledee offer to tell Alice a story]
Alice: I'm sorry, I don't have the time...
Tweedledee: Neither do we! We never carry a watch!
Tweedledee: Well, all's well that ends well...
Tweedledum: What is THAT?
[points at a broken rattle]
Alice: Would you stop grumping like that? You sound as if you've turned into a pig... you HAVE turned into a pig! I'd better let you go...
Mad Hatter: [singing] Auntie's wooden leg...
March Hare: I say, I say, I say...
Mad Hatter: How dare you interrupt my song with "I say, I say, I say!"
March Hare: I say, I say, I say in this world it's now what you know but WHOM you know!
Mad Hatter: I don't know either one of them!
Mad Hatter: [singing] Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, / How I wonder what you're at / Up above the world so high / Like a tea tray in the sky...
The Dormouse: Officer, these men are criminals!
Mad Hatter: Who's got his ear trumpet?
[trying to stuff the Dormouse into a teapot]
Mad Hatter: I told you he wouldn't fit!
March Hare: Oh, he'll fit! We just have to push harder!
[some talking daisies insult Alice]
Alice: If you're not quiet, I'll make you into a chain!
[the daisies shut up]
[Alice bangs on the door to the Duchess's palace]
Fishface Footman: It's no good your knocking like that.
Alice: Why not?
Fishface Footman: Two good reasons. One: because I'm on the same side of the door as you.
Alice: Oh, yes...
Fishface Footman: Two: they're making so much noise inside no one can hear you.
Alice: [thinking about the riddle] Why is a raven like a writing desk... you know, I-I'm pretty sure I can guess.
The March Hare: You mean you think you know the answer?
The March Hare: Well, then, you should say what you mean.
Alice: Well, I do. At-at least, at least I mean what I say, that-that is the same thing.
Mad Hatter: It's not the same thing at all. You might as well say "I eat what I see" is the same thing as "I see what I eat!"
[a pie sprouts crab legs and crawls across the table]
The March Hare: [eyeing the pie, picking up a fly swatter] You might as well say "I like what I get" is the same as "I get what I like!"
[whacks the pie]
The Dormouse: [talking in his sleep, then suddenly awake] Aah! You-you, or you might as well say "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe."
Mad Hatter: Well, it is the same thing with you.
The Gryphon: Hello! Who are you?
The Gryphon: Alice... a charming misnomer.
Alice: And you are...?
The Gryphon: A Griffin! Part eagle, part lion - the best of each, I always say!
Alice: I thought you were a mythical creature.
The Gryphon: I am! That makes me even more fffffascinating!
King of Hearts: How do we get rid of a floating cat?
Queen of Hearts: Off with its head!
King of Hearts: Brilliant!
Alice: When I used to read about fairy tales, I never thought I would end up in the middle of one. There ought to be a story written about me. Perhaps one day, when I've grown up, I'll write one...
Mad Hatter: [looking at his watch] What day of the month is it?
Alice: The fourth.
Mad Hatter: Aha! Two days wrong!
[glares at the March Hare]
Mad Hatter: I told you not to use butter!
The March Hare: It was the best butter.
The Dormouse: Danish, mmm.
Mad Hatter: Some crumbs must have got into it as well. I said, don't put butter in the works with a bread knife!
The March Hare: I couldn't put it in with a fork, could I? Here, let me see...
Mad Hatter: [capricious] I don't want to *give* it to you, but I will!
The March Hare: [the Hare takes the watch and examines it; first by banging it on the table, and then by dipping it into his teacup] I don't understand it. It was the best butter.
The Dormouse: Danish.
Alice: [the Hare tosses the watch over to Alice, who picks it up and studies it] It's a funny watch. It tells the day of the month, but not the time.
Mad Hatter: Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?
Alice: No, because it stays a year for so long.
Mad Hatter: Oh then, I rest my case.
The March Hare: Where?
Alice: [points to a pile of suitcases] There.
Mad Hatter: Well, then, I rest my case!
The March Hare: Where?
Mad Hatter: [points to a pile of suitcases] There.
[breaks into laughter]
The March Hare: [dully] I know when I'm beaten.
[the Cheshire Cat grins at the King of Hearts, vexing him]
Alice: A cat may look at a king.
King of Hearts: Where did you get that?
Alice: I read it in a book.
King of Hearts: I haven't. But I don't like it. It has undertones. That book should be banned.
[about the Mock Turtle]
The Gryphon: He's my best friend. True blue, true and true...
The Gryphon: Mock, tell this young girl about yourself!
Mock Turtle: You've come to the right person. Sit down, both of you...
The Gryphon: No, thanks, I've heard it before...
Mock Turtle: Sit down! It's the least you can do!
[the Mock Turtle begins his tale]
Mock Turtle: Once...
[starts moaning and wringing his hands]
Mock Turtle: I was once a real turtle...
[breaks down completely]
Alice: [rises to leave] Thank you for that very interesting story...
Mock Turtle: I haven't started yet!
The Gryphon: [half-pleading] Stay! You may learn something!
White Knight: Is your hair fixed on your head right?
Alice: Only in the usual way.
White Knight: Well, that's not good enough! The wind around here is as strong as soup!
The White Rabbit: Oh my furry ears and whiskers, look how late it's getting!
The White Rabbit: Ooh!
Alice: [voiceover, as she watches the White Rabbit rush off, then slowly follows him] Perhaps I fell right *through* the earth, then - came out the other side. Yet, I'll have to ask somebody the name of the country. "Please, ma'am, is this New Zealand or Australia?"