Memorable quotes for
American Pie (1999)

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Finch: God bless the Internet.

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Steve Stifler: She called me and asked for my number.

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Steve Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking *use* them!

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Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful.
College Girl: What did you just say?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful!
[girl laughs]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Friends call me Nova as in Casanova.
College Girl: That's pathetic!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Jeez you don't have to laugh at me.

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Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed.

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Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.

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Steve Stifler: What did you cocks do to him?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?
Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!

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Victoria 'Vicky': I want it to be the right time, the right place...
Jessica: It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX.

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Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald's or homemade?

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Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of
[hesitates]
Jim's Dad: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud.
[pause]
Jim's Dad: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.

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[On being sensitive]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.

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Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!

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Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it!
Kevin: Guys...
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious!

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Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.
Finch: Single malt?
Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

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Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch!
Jim: Michelle! Michelle.

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Steve Stifler: I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right?

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[talking about masturbation]
Jim's Dad: It's like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.
Jim: Right.
Jim's Dad: It's not a game.
Jim: No.
Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball.

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[discussing Kevin difficulties saying he love her]
Vicky: Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really cares about me, you know even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talks about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right?
Jessica: He's got a dick, he's a guy.
Vicky: Right.

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[while looking at a picture of Stifler's mom]
MILF Guy #2: Dude that chick's a MILF!
MILF Guy #1: What to hell is that?
MILF Guy #2: M-I-L-F Mom I'd Like to Fuck!
MILF Guy #1: Yeah dude! Yeah!

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[On Condoms]
Jim's Dad: Well, they're safer than a tube sock...

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Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually?
Vicky: I've never tried it.
Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse?

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Coach Marshall: I don't want any of you boys thinking, that you're gonna score. You don't score, until you *score*!

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Kevin: [after Stifler drinks the tainted beer] Hey Stifler, how's the pale ale?
Steve Stifler: Fuck you!

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[Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet]
Finch: Did not just take out that chair.
Kevin: Yup, he took out the chair.

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Choir singer: [to himself] Just focus on the music, think melody, let the music be my guide.
Heather: Yeah, that'd be a start.

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Steve Stifler: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here?
Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, that would be great.
Steve Stifler: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time?
Steve Stifler: What? Whatever.

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Kevin: No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!

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Jim: God... let this be it.

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[watching Jim and Nadia over the Internet]
Kevin: He's pullin' out the porn.
Finch: He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.

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Jim's Dad: We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.

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Jim's Dad: [to Jim] Now, do you know what a clitoris is?

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Michelle: This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.

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Garage Band Member: Go, trig boy! It's your birthday!

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Jim: [Naudia takes off her underwear] Holy shit.
Finch: HOLY SHIT!
Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member: [together] Holy shit
Enthusiastic Guy: [enthusiastically] Holy shit!

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Steve Stifler: You actually said that?
[laughs hysterically]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shut up!
Jim: You did better than me Nova.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.
Steve Stifler: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.
[shouts]
Steve Stifler: SUCK ME BEAUTIFUL!
[walks off, laughing]

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Steve Stifler: Hey, Kev, seen shit break lately?
Kevin: Why? What did you do to him?
Steve Stifler: Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh... I'll tell you one thing... I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino.
[shows a jar of laxatives]

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Kevin: If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.
Jim: Sherman? The Sherminator?
[both laugh]

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Nadia: I believe "shaved" is the expression.

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Chuck Sherman: I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady.

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Finch: [covering his eyes] Tell me he did not just get out the chair.
Kevin: He got out the chair.

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Jim: Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!

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Kevin: [Stifler is vomiting in a toilet] Hey, Stifler, how's the "Pale Ale"?
Steve Stifler: [vomiting] Fuck you!

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