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American Pie (1999) Poster

(1999)

Quotes

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

Kevin: You want to take this one?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.

Jim: Yeah?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.

Jim: Apple pie, huh?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.

Jim: McDonald's or homemade?

Steve Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking *use* them!

Michelle: This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.

Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed.

Victoria 'Vicky': I want it to be the right time, the right place...

Jessica: It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [On being sensitive] You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.

Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.

Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.

Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it!

Kevin: Guys...

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!

Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious!

MILF Guy #2: [while looking at a picture of Stifler's mom] Dude that chick's a MILF!

MILF Guy #1: What to hell is that?

MILF Guy #2: M-I-L-F Mom I'd Like to Fuck!

MILF Guy #1: Yeah dude! Yeah!

Jim's Dad: [On Condoms] Well, they're safer than a tube sock...

Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually?

Vicky: I've never tried it.

Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse?

Jim: [Nadia takes off her underwear] Holy shit.

Finch: HOLY SHIT!

Garage Band MemberGarage Band MemberGarage Band Member: [together] Holy shit

Enthusiastic Guy: [enthusiastically] Holy shit!

Nadia: So uh, "shaved" is the expression?

Steve Stifler: She called me and asked for my number.

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Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful.

College Girl: What did you just say?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful!

[girl laughs]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Friends call me Nova as in Casanova.

College Girl: That's pathetic!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Jeez you don't have to laugh at me.

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Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.

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Steve Stifler: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?

Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!

Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!

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Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of

[hesitates]

Jim's Dad: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud.

[pause]

Jim's Dad: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.

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Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!

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Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.

Finch: Single malt?

Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

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Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch!

Jim: Michelle! Michelle.

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Steve Stifler: I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right?

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Jim's Dad: [talking about masturbation] It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.

Jim: Right.

Jim: It's not a game.

Jim: No.

Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball.

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Vicky: [discussing Kevin difficulties saying he love her] Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really cares about me, you know even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talks about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right?

Jessica: He's got a dick, he's a guy.

Vicky: Right.

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Coach Marshall: I don't want any of you boys thinking, that you're gonna score. You don't score, until you *score*!

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Finch: [Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet] Did not just take out that chair.

Kevin: Yup, he took out the chair.

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Choir singer: [to himself] Just focus on the music, think melody, let the music be my guide.

Heather: Yeah, that'd be a start.

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Steve Stifler: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here?

Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, that would be great.

Steve Stifler: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time?

Steve Stifler: What? Whatever.

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Kevin: No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!

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Jim: God... let this be it.

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Kevin: [watching Jim and Nadia over the Internet] He's pullin' out the porn.

Finch: He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.

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Jim's Dad: [to Jim] Now, do you know what a clitoris is?

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Garage Band Member: Go, trig boy! It's your birthday!

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Steve Stifler: You actually said that?

[laughs hysterically]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shut up!

Jim: You did better than me Nova.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.

Steve Stifler: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.

[shouts]

Steve Stifler: *suck me beautiful!*

[walks off, laughing]

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Steve Stifler: Hey, Kev, seen shit break lately?

Kevin: Why? What did you do to him?

Steve Stifler: Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh... I'll tell you one thing... I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino.

[shows a jar of laxatives]

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Kevin: If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.

Jim: Sherman? The Sherminator?

[both laugh]

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Chuck Sherman: I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady.

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Finch: [covering his eyes] Tell me he did not just get out the chair.

Kevin: He got out the chair.

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Jim: Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a mermaid dude.

Jim: Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz.

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Kevin: [Stifler is vomiting in a toilet] Hey, Stifler, how's the "Pale Ale"?

Steve Stifler: [vomiting] Fuck you!

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[Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor]

Jim: Oh man...

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shit dude, the 'L' word?

Jim: And what did you say?

Kevin: Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Good, then you're still safe.

Jim: You think she was serious?

Kevin: Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"

Jim: Yeah, yeah.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.

Jim: Yeah.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, no Sweat.

Jim: I couldn't have said it better myself

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [snorts] You couldn't have said it at all Jim...

Jim: Hey.

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[Deleted Scene. Jim and Oz walk outside]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a cartoon dude.

Jim: She's a hot cartoon.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, is ther anything you don't jerk off to?

Jim: Of course there is. C-Span.

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[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a college chick.

Jim: Cassanova!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Debbie.

Steve Stifler: Bullshit - from where?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She works part-time at my dad's store.

Steve Stifler: Yeah right Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, come on, he does not.

Kevin: Really Stifler, he's the manager.

Steve Stifler: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!

Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!

Steve Stifler: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sakes and all she's do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!

Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?

Steve Stifler: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

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[Deleted scene. Kevin talk on the phone with Tom, who is driving]

Tom Myers: You called to ask me how to get laid?

Kevin: Well yeah you know, it's not like I can really call dad. I don't even have his number.

Tom Myers: It's listed A-S-S-H-O-L-E.

Kevin: Yeah, you said it... Anyway, I was calling to see if I could get some advice - brother-to-brother. I mean, I think that tonight, Vicky's... I mean, there's a definite chance that...

Tom Myers: All right, all right - listen, have you ever heard of The Bible?

Kevin: What? Not THE Bible?

Tom Myers: That's not really its name but that's what we call it.

Kevin: Does it tell me how to... to get laid?

Tom Myers: You know what? Nevermind, you're not ready.

Kevin: Wait, ready for what?

Tom Myers: Woah, you're breaking up there. I gotta go, good luck at the party.

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[Deleted Scene. The boys are in Dog Years]

Jim: Guys guys guys - here's an easy one, okay: "Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion". Okay; Attractive: ugly.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Fun Loving: Insane.

Kevin: Okay, 'unlisted age' plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'.

Jim: No, no no no - 'Charming' is old; 'Older' is really old; 'Youthful mind' is dead.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yes, yes.

[High-fives with Jim]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [to Finch] You're still eating that damn imitation hot dog?

Finch: It's not an imitation. Removing the actual 'dog' from the Ultra Dog makes a better hot dog.

[Holds up a roll full of salad, onion and mustard]

Finch: Behold Ultra Dog - No dog.

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[Deleted Scene. Kevin enters to see Finch drinking mochachino]

Kevin: Finch, get to the bathroom, now!

Finch: Easy tiger, what's in there?

Kevin: Just go.

Finch: And why is this?

Kevin: Listen, you're going to shit your pants.

Finch: [snorts] That's charming.

Finch: Look, Stifler slipped some sort of laxative in your coffee and it's fast acting - really fast.

Finch: Listen, Kevin, you know first of all it's mochachino... Oh... Oh!

[Finch runs from the room]

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[Deleted scene. The boys are at the prom]

Finch: All right, all right - I'm here for your dumb meeting.

Kevin: So, status check...

Chuck Sherman: Boys, boys, boys. I'm on the offensive, the Sherman tank is going back in, locked on target, flying in stealth mode under enemy sex radar, ready to make the payload - again.

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[Deleted scene. Michelle and Jim collapse after having sex]

Stifler's Brother: [Opens cupboard door] Awesome! That was better than Jurassic Park! Oh man...

Jim: Yes it was...

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[Deleted scene. The boys are in Dog Years]

Finch: Is that legal? Can you do that?

Jim: I did it. Don't care.

Kevin: Maybe we'll just have to call you two-ply.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: I personally enjoyed the double-bagging part myself.

Jim: Well I'm very happy to entertain you Oz. So how you doing Kev, you okay?

Kevin: [pauses] Yeah.

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Steve Stifler: Vicky, Jessica, great to see you, glad you could make it! Ha ha, Bitches.

Steve Stifler: Sherman!

Chuck Sherman: Hay!

Steve Stifler: What the fuck are you doing here?

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[last lines]

Jim's Dad: Sweetheart!

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[Kevin and Vicky are sitting in class]

Victoria 'Vicky': [whispering] Hey, Kevin.

[mouthing]

Victoria 'Vicky': I want to have sex.

Kevin: [loudly] Now?

Victoria 'Vicky': [whispering] Prom.

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Finch: God bless the Internet.

Jim's Dad: We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.

See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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