Ike Graham: Hey, don't knock drunks in bars! It means they're not out driving.
[Maggie has just left her groom standing at the altar, and has jumped aboard a FedEx truck]
Ellie: Where is she going?
Fisher: I don't know, but she'll be there by 10:30 tomorrow.
Maggie Carpenter: You're a cynical, exploitive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit.
Ike Graham: [on the perfect proposal] Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me.
Maggie Carpenter: A girl can't get married in flannel!
Maggie Carpenter: Is there one 'right' person for everyone?
Ike Graham: No, but I think attraction is mistaken for rightness.
[Ike's voice on his answering machine]
Ike Graham: Hi, leave a message after the beep. If you want to send me a fax, then buy me a fax machine.
Maggie Carpenter: Bless me Father for I have sinned. My last confession was... well. Anyway, I have sorta a technical question. I've been having bad thoughts, really bad thoughts.
Priest Brian: Of an impure nature?
Maggie Carpenter: No, No, I want to destroy this man's life, career everything. I want revenge. Now on a sins scale how bad is that? Can I Hail Mary my way out of that?
Ike Graham: SHAZAM! I think I'm in Mayberry.
Maggie Carpenter: I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up.
Mrs. Pressmann: I'm thinking of changing back to my maiden name.
Walter Carpenter: Can you still remember it?
Maggie Carpenter: Gill, I am really afraid of needles, but that doesn't make me a bad person...
Dead Head Gill: Look...
[Gill shows her his rose tattoo on his chest]
Ike Graham: [in a surfer-dude voice] Look, look! I think this man is heart broken!
Peggy: Well, there is one thing that brings warmth to my heart.
Peggy: Duckbill platypus.
Maggie Carpenter: No... that's only funny at Camp Birchwood in the tent at three in the morning and it's raining and my leg is the pole! That's the only time that's funny.
Peggy: Let's just give it a try.
Cousin Cindy: Hi, I'm Cindy, Maggie's unmarried cousin.
Maggie Carpenter: [while fighting with her veil] Who makes these things?
Peggy: Calm down. The veil is not attacking you.
Maggie Carpenter: Benedict.
Ike Graham: Arnold.
Maggie Carpenter: I love Eggs Benedict, I hate every other kind. I hate big weddings with everybody staring. I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work. And when I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse.
Ike Graham: Should I be writing this down?
Maggie Carpenter: I love you, Homer Eisenhower Graham. Will you marry me?
Ike Graham: I... I've got to think about this a little bit.
Maggie Carpenter: Good. I was hoping you'd say that.
Ike Graham: [laughing] You were not!
Maggie Carpenter: I was, because if you said "yes" right away, then I wouldn't get to say this next part, and I've been practicing.
[Maggie sits down, clears her throat]
Maggie Carpenter: Ready?
Ike Graham: I'm listening.
Maggie Carpenter: I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is going to want get out. But I also guarantee...
[starts to cry]
Maggie Carpenter: ...that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart... you're the only one for me.
Peggy: I'm Peggy Fleming. Not the ice-skater.
Ike Graham: [Mrs. Whittenmeyer refuses to sell a wedding gown to Maggie] You sell wedding dresses, right?
Mrs. Whittenmeyer: Yes, I've been selling wedding gowns for thirty-five years.
Ike Graham: Wonderful! Because we are here to buy one! But not just any one.
[points to a gown in the window]
Ike Graham: She wants "that" one!
Mrs. Whittenmeyer: It's a thousand dollars!
Ike Graham: Listen, Aunt Bea! Conversation has never worked for me, let's try "visual."
[jumps into the window and pulls the mannequin down, knocking its wig off]
Ike Graham: We're buying the dress! And anything else she wants!
Peggy: Have you heard my husband's morning show? "Wake Up With Flem?"
Maggie Carpenter: [reading Ike's notes] "How does she get all those guys to propose? She's not even that beautiful." Bite me, paper boy!
[Ike and Maggie have just kissed]
Coach Bob Kelly: [to Maggie] If you were imagining me, you did great.
[turns to Ike]
Coach Bob Kelly: What the hell were YOU doing?
Ike Graham: I'm sorry, Bob. She kissed me back.
Maggie Carpenter: I kissed him back.
Coach Bob Kelly: Yeah, I caught that. Want to tell me how long this has been going on?
Maggie Carpenter: About a minute...?
Ike Graham: A little longer for me.
Maggie Carpenter: [smiles] Really?
Coach Bob Kelly: What do you expect me to say to this?
Ike Graham: How about - "I hope you'll be very happy together"?
[Bob punches Ike in the face]
Coach Bob Kelly: I hope you'll be very happy together.
Maggie Carpenter: I wanted to tell you why I run - sometimes ride - away from things.
Ike Graham: Does it matter?
Maggie Carpenter: I think so.
[takes a deep breath]
Maggie Carpenter: When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody who didn't have any idea who I really was. And it was only half the other person's fault, because I had done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. So it was good that I didn't go through with it because it would have been a lie. But you - you knew the real me.
Ike Graham: Yes, I did.
Maggie Carpenter: I didn't. And you being the one at the end of the aisle didn't just fix that.
Maggie Carpenter: [Ike has just seen Maggie in the mirror in his apartment] Hello Ike.
Ike Graham: Don't tell me, my *doorman* is one of your many admirers.
Maggie Carpenter: I'm making friends with your cat. Is it okay that I'm here?
Ike Graham: I don't have much choice in the matter, do I? But, I can't speak for Italics.
[points at Italics the cat]
Ike Graham: *Traitor*.
Maggie Carpenter: [wistfully] Always a bride, never a bridesmaid!
Maggie Carpenter: Do you think I flirt with Cory?
Peggy: Good morning to you, too. You look good.
Maggie Carpenter: Thank you. Do you think I flirt with Cory?
Maggie Carpenter: I don't mean it.
Peggy: I know. I think sometimes you just sort of spaz-out with random excess flirtation energy and it just lands on anything male that moves.
Maggie Carpenter: On anything male that moves? As opposed to anything male that doesn't move?
Peggy: Like certain kinds of coral.