|Index||7 reviews in total|
Imagine, if you will, a bright planet far away, civilized by a people
who are intelligent, orderly, and serene. A people, as Dr. Morbius
might have described them, who have enjoyed a million years of shining
sanity. OK, now jump in your hyper-space ship and zap to the other side
of the universe, to the bizarro opposite of that planet. To a dark,
confused, murky cesspool of a planet; where nothing makes sense, all is
chaos, nothing is linear. Congratulations! You've arrived at the planet
where BARN OF THE BLOOD LLAMA was produced! I think it's called
There are different kinds of bad movies. There's Ed Wood bad, there's Troma bad, and there's Gigli bad, in descending order. Then there's BARN OF THE BLOOD LLAMA, which sends all those other categories of bad films crying home to mama. It may be that BOTBL is some bizarre cousin of the Troma genus, I suppose. But it's the kind of cousin Troma is too embarrassed to let in the house; they simply pretend they're not at home.
I'm very fond of this movie, did I mention that? As fond as I can be, anyway, of a film that manages to dive into llama sodomizing in the first five minutes. Dang! This movie kicks Troma's rear! No wonder they won't let it in. Where does it go from here? Down, down, down like a rock lobster.
Oh, and what music! Imagine the sweet sound of a country duet of banjos, light and happy... Now imagine those banjos out of tune and strung up in a tree, banging randomly in the wind, with no trace of melody or meter. Now you have the haunting love theme of BOTBL. Try humming that, I challenge you.
You most likely won't be able to follow the plot of BOTBL, as your brain will simply refuse to store any of the outrage it has seen in the minutes preceding whatever point you are watching now. Let me see if I can clue you into what you are in store for... You know that dazed and whacked out feeling you get, after having fallen asleep sitting up in front of the TV? You wake up, struggle to focus your oxygen-starved brain on what's in front of you and go; "What the heck is this? Is this the same movie I was watching when I fell asleep? Where am I and what is my name?" That's pretty much how you will feel at the beginning and end of BOTBL, and all the points in between.
In short, this movie rocks in a most twisted way. Kevin West is some sort of genius I think, on par at least with the likes of auteur Coleman Francis. I like to think that somewhere, old CF is smiling down, or perhaps up, as the case may be, upon a showing of BARN OF THE BLOOD LLAMA and thinking; "That kid's ripping me off! Replaced the Cessnas with llamas is all he did! Miserable little jerk!"
But, I suppose, it's not for everyone. If you're the kind of person who's all nit-picky about their movies, about such things as continuity, coherency, lighting, editing, sound recording, sound mixing, music, cinematography, direction, acting, story, plot, special effects, and such-like little prissy details; well, if you think those things are important in some way, you may not think this flick is so hot. To each his own...
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
As you may be able to tell from the title this is a slasher movie. But, it
is not, repeat NOT in anyway an ironic Scream type parody. This is the film
that the "seen to be believed" cliche was made for. All on a budget of
exactly no dollars and no cents.
Then there is the script. Lines like "How can you stand there and talk about something as ridiculous as that? You know what that Llama meant to me" just seem natural in this. The "obligatory music video scene" is just priceless, and this is probably the only film you're ever likely to see with a Llama funeral in it.
And the cameo at the end from the greatest Llama of them all, the Dalai Llama (sic.) fits in almost as well as the "acting".
Shot on more film stocks than Oliver Stone ever dreamed of, BARN has it all: bestiality, cheap tramps, rock star hitchhikers, llama funerals, severed heads, brain transplants, haggis. This satire on rural horror movies is truly a nightmare of bad animal husbandry gone awry. It's also a hoot. Even fans of Roger Corman and early Sam Raimi (Evil Dead) will not be prepared for it. The performances are so deliciously raw and over the top The MST3K guys would shudder in gleeful terror.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
It has been two full years since I bore witness to this unholy mess and
my brain still hasn't shaken loose the horrors within. It is probably
in my best interest that a copy of the film is not to be found anywhere
because the effects can be quite damaging. All I can tell you is that I
have seen it twice and I know that another viewing wouldn't help me
understand this movie any further. But, you know, I don't think that
the movie was ever meant to make any sense. The plot lays in about six
different pieces stitched together like a failed Frankenstein
The movie is in about six different pieces all haphazardly stitched together into one insane monstrosity. One involves a pair of nutty inbred hillbilly brothers named Jug and Gibby who own a Llama farm named "The World 'O Wool". Now, just from that description you might think that there are some tributes to Deliverance and a new definition of "animal husbandry" is just waiting to be noted. Well there are, but I'll spare you the details and move on.
The farm includes a research facility run by a certain Dr. Albert who has a fondness for a certain Blessie Sue, one of the farms attractions. He is overtaken with grief when his beloved is struck by a passing motorist on the day that he and Blessie are to be wed (a casket built for a dead llama has to be seen to be believed). The motorist is Toni, a likable city girl who spends most of the movie waiting for her car to be fixed. Actually she's being set up as bait. Toni issues my favorite bit of dialogue: "Does everything in Texas spit toxic cud?" Also into this mess comes Bock a rockstar/songwriter on a comeback tour who comes to Dr. Albert so the doc can cure his case of writer's block. He is accompanied by three bimbettes called Janet, Bea and Tiffany who are promised a part in his new video. After all the introductions are made, it is revealed to us what the doc's experiment includes: He is creating genetically enhanced llamas who have one fatal flaw in that they go crazy when in the presence of menstruating women. Please don't ponder that as long as I did, it will give you an excruciating case of eye strain.
With this element in place, you can bet your bottom dollar that one of Bock's strumpets will flower into womanhood right there on the farm. This causes a very strange (not to mention long) killing spree as the beloved llamas go about killing anything that moves. Its that bad! I'm not absolutely certain what this movie is suppose to be about, nor do I understand the presence of three women on their way to the bowling alley who stop by the farm to get their balls waxed. Nor can understand why the movie shifts back and forth between color and black and white. Nor can I understand the presence of a man with a ping-pong ball attached to his eye-patch. Nor can I understand the presence of reps from the Dali Llama selling canned brains and helpfully offering that "When you ask for something as special as a brain even Buddha is going to give you the run around." Your brain cannot comprehend this movie. You can't begin to understand the mental knots that this movie can tie in your brain. But you can rest easy in the knowledge that you've never seen this movie and you can be smarter than I was an avoid it at all costs. I wasted two hours on this movie, two hours at which I could have been furthering the fulfillment of my own life. Two hours, gone up in smoke. Excuse me, I have to got jump off a bridge.
This was one of those movies that was so bad it was hard to watch. At times, however, I caught a definite glimmer that the filmmakers were kidding us and knew exactly what they were doing. I have to say it kept me watching, just to see what was going to happen next. The usual young-misses-driving-through-a-small-town-in-Texas-find-trouble plot line went all wacka-wacka early in the picture, and it got us into the seamy underside of the business of llama farming. A farm called World O Wool outside Justiceburg, TX proves to be a den of incest, veterinary experiments gone terribly awry, unorthodox youth-enhancing treatments, interspecies romance, brain transplants, and the illegal detainment of bowlers, among other things. It all comes together in the end, believe it or not. I like this one without respecting it in any way.
The horror section at the Video contains certainly the worse movies you can see....and guess what?! Barn of the Blood Llama was there, and I consider it as one of the all-time worst (with The Being). Low-budget B series horror movie with bad actors=this one. The stupid jokes are one of the things that p***ed me off the most in this movie. The special effects are laughable, like the movie....I give it 2%.
Dont bother seeing this unless you wanna have your mind
completely corrupted!!!!!!!!Stay Away!!
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