Happy, Texas (1999)
Sheriff Chappy Dent: Give me the meanest steak you got! Rare, and I mean rare! Just de-horn it, wipe its butt and send it in.
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: If you ever leave me with a kid again I'll make sure you never have one. You have no idea what those screaming booger eaters are like. They expect you to... know stuff!
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: Okay, God, just... want you to look down on these girls here. They're like little flowers, and the rain you send 'em gutta be gentle and sweet. We come to you today, and we ask you to just... help 'em - help us grab this pageant by the balls and rip 'em off! I mean, if those judges don't like us, then screw 'em. These girls here - they're talented, they're pretty, and if those judges say anything different, then I hope that on Judgement Day you put their asses through a meat grinder!... Amen.
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: Waddya mean "WE?" Did you grow another face?
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: [shows girls how to strut] Because I've got my weight in my hip,
[slaps his hip]
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: weight in my hip.
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: [while being shot at] JESUS... ON A... CRACKER!
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: You don't think I know what you're doin', do you? Goin' to the banker lady's house for popcorn and pillow talk. Goin' huntin'. What did you do tonight? Did you go someplace nice for dinner? Did you have a few drinks? Hmm? You don't think I'd like to get out some night or have a nice meal? Spend one night not thinkin' about the girls? You know what I did tonight? I'll tell you what I did. I spent it right here
[slaps sewing machine]
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: tryin' to figure out if slip-stitchin' or bastin' is the best way to put on a sparkly heart. Because you know what? I don't know how.
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: The pageant judges are gonna be here tomorrow. Madison's not gotten all the way through her song. The numbers are all over the place. Nobody can keep the beat. And I'm scared to death that Jensy is gonna drop her
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: baton and fry like a Buddhist monk!
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: Why did the armadillo cross the road?
Harry Sawyer: Why?
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: [Holds up dead armadillo] It didn't. Look, see?
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: Hey, maybe we are tailors. We travel from town to town, tailoring dresses, for circus midgets.
Harry Sawyer: Traveling midget tailors?
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: Yeah, ya think?
Harry Sawyer: No.
Harry Sawyer: So we're gay. How hard can that be?
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: It might not be hard for you, Rock Hudson, but I have got heterosex...
Harry Sawyer: What?
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: 'Not gay' written all over me.
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: [to the bully] You come anywhere near these girls again, I won't say nothin'. I'm just gonna come over to your house late at night when you're asleep and kill you with a chainsaw.
Josephine McClintock: The last man in that safe who didn't work here, my Daddy shot in his tracks.
Harry Sawyer: I understand that's the most painful place to be shot in.
Sheriff Chappy Dent: I guess like, like everybody I'm scared of bein', you know, rejected.
Harry Sawyer: There's no way, man. You're a real catch, you're a man's man, a nice guy. You've got your health. And everybody knows what a turn-on that uniform is.
Josephine McClintock: I guess I should be flattered by your stalking.
Harry Sawyer: There's such a fine line between... stalking and, and being attentive, and I was - I don't know - going for being attentive.
Sheriff Chappy Dent: That's what life's for, isn't it? Finding out?
[to Josephine through the prison fence]
Harry Sawyer: Don't make me come after you, they'll shoot me!
Marshal Nalhober: [about Sheriff Dent] That is one big dick cop.
Marshal Nalhober: Sheriff Dent. I just want to shake your hand. I wish there were more men like you in law enforcement. You are one big dick cop.
Sheriff Chappy Dent: Thank you.
Marshal Nalhober: [talking to a group of marshals] OK we've got three, count my fingers, three runners.
[holds a picture of Wayne]
Marshal Nalhober: First, Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr. This man likes to steal cars.
[holds up a picture of Harry]
Marshal Nalhober: Next, Harry Sawyer; fraud, credit card scam.
[holds up a picture of Maslow]
Marshal Nalhober: And the reason we are all here today, Bob Maslow. Let's put this guy away before he kills somebody else!
Steven, Pagent Professional: David! Somebody stole our crappy camper!