Detective Alex Tardio: Come on boys, pull daddy like a chariot.
Berger: This is straight out of a Hitchcock movie. I think I'm feeling vertigo.
Kevin Caffrey: Hold your head up, 'cause you got that double-chin thing going on.
Kevin Caffrey: I am full of de facto, habeas corpus, and Emancipation Proclamation. Most important, I have a very big pro bono.
Tracey Kimberly: Massaging you is like kneading dough. And as for the sex, let me be honest. It's like sleeping with a damp sheep!
Amber Bellhaven: Very hip. Very cool. Very Vegas in the sixties.
Berger: [as sheik] He says with that price, camel can dance up pyramid. It loses in translation.
Lutetia Fairbanks: Max, you may be a butthole, but you're my butthole.
Max Fairbanks: I robbed a thief! How can you not see the humor in that?
Gloria: Tread a level course.
Max Fairbanks: What did the Boston Times call me?
Gloria: The Dark Prince of Plunder.
Judge: Sell the house!
Max Fairbanks: Up yours, you fat pig!
Edwina: Why is it that every time Kevin's in trouble, we drop our things, but when I want help, you act like you're through a tunnel and can't hear me?
Windham: Maybe because I *like* Kevin!
Shelly Nix: [when asked if he can find Max] Piece of cake. It's no harder than shutting down AOL for an hour. Not that I'd have any interest.
Berger: It kills me. The leave the light on trick.
Kevin Caffrey: Why don't they just put a sign saying welcome burglers no one home?