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South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999) Poster

Quotes

Mr. Garrison: ...I'm Sorry Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

[person speaking German on "cliteris" website]

Kyle: Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!

Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?

Cartman: Oh, very funny!

Kyle: Hey! It IS Cartman's mom!

Mrs. Cartman: [man speaking German on computer] All righty then!

Cartman: SON OF A BI...

[shocks]

Cartman: AHHH!

Ike: [bounces in] Ba ba ba ba.

Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff!

Ike: Bullshit.

Stan: What's she doing now?

German: Essen meine scheisse.

Mrs. Cartman: Okey-dokey!

KyleStanCartman: [they see something gross] AWWWWWW!

Stan: [pukes] Click it off, dude, click it off!

[Kyle clicks it off]

Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

Mr. Garrison: What is five times two?

[No response from the class]

Mr. Garrison: Now come on children, don't be shy, just give it your best shot.

[Clive raises his hand]

Clive: Twelve.

Mr. Garrison: OK, now lets try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard.

Saddam Hussein: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.

Cartman: Hey, don't call me fat buttfucker!

[rays shoot from malfunctioning V-chip and kill a demon from hell]

Stan: Do it Cartman! Do it!

Cartman: Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authoritayyy!

[shocks Saddam]

Saddam Hussein: You need to watch your mouth, brat.

Cartman: Dog-shit taco!

Saddam Hussein: Quick Satan! Do something!

Cartman: Try this on for size... Blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle!

Saddam Hussein: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry - I can change!

Cartman: OK... not! Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbra Streisand!

[Finishing his "Kyle's Mom" song]

Cartman: Kyle's Mom... She's a big, fat, fuckin' BIIIIIIIIITCH! Who's a fuckin' bitch? Kyle's Mooooooooom! Yeah!

[Notices Kyle's mom standing behind him]

Cartman: Oh fuck.

[Kenny has just died in the hospital]

Cartman: I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.

Kyle: It's not your fault, Cartman.

Cartman: Dude, I know, I'm just fuckin' stoked I don't have to pay him.

Kyle: Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!

Chef: Haven't you heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

General: I don't listen to hip-hop.

[demonstrating a "V-Chip" planted into Cartman]

Dr. Vosknocker: Now, I want you to say "doggy".

Cartman: Doggy.

Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Notice, that nothing happens.

[to Cartman]

Dr. Vosknocker: Now, say "Montana".

Cartman: Montana.

Dr. Vosknocker: Good. Now, "pillow".

Cartman: Pillow.

Dr. Vosknocker: All right. Now I want you to say "horse fucker".

Mrs. Cartman: Go on, honey. It's all right.

Cartman: Horse fu...

[gets shocked by the V-chip]

Cartman: That hurts, goddamnit!

[gets shocked again]

Dr. Vosknocker: Now I want you to say "big floppy donkey dick".

Cartman: No!

Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Success! The child doesn't want to swear!

Cartman: This isn't fair, you sons of bi...

[gets shocked repeatedly]

Gregory: I must say, I don't believe I belong here with these rogues. I transferred from Yardale where I had a 4.0 grade point average.

Cartman: You're a fucking faggot, dude.

Saddam Hussein: [singing] Some people say that I'm a bad guy, they may be right, they may be right. But it's not as if I don't try, I just fuck up, try as I might. But I can change, I can change! I can learn to keep my promises I swear it. I'll open up my heart and I will share it. Any minute now I will be born again! Yes, I can change, I can change, I know I've been a dirty little bastard. I like to kill, I like to maim, yes, I'm insane, but it's okay, cause I can change! It's not my fault that I'm so evil. It's society, society. You see my parents were sometimes abusive, and it made a prick of me! But I can change, I can change. I can learn to keep my promises I know it. I'll open up my heart and I will show it, any minute now I will be born again!

Satan: But what if you never change? What if you remain a sandy little butt-hole?

Saddam Hussein: Hey Satan, don't be such a twit. Mother Theresa won't have shit on me!

[the boys have just watched an edited version of "Asses of Fire" and are leaving the theater with the other kids, past the ticket booth again]

Kyle: Man, this movie gets better every time I see it!

Ticket Taker: Hey!

Cartman: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yeah, you can!

Cartman: [stops and turns] No way.

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. You can *too* light a fart on fire.

Cartman: Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire.

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. Check it out.

[he lights his fart on fire and laughs; his parka suddenly erupts in flames and he screams in horror; the boys are shocked]

Stan: Holy shit, dude!

Cartman: Ah! Oh my God! Hey!

[begins beating Kenny with a stick]

Cartman: Aw, shit! Aw, shit!

Stan: [steps forward and yells] Help! Somebody do something!

[he steps back and the stick lights up]

Cartman: Aahh! This stick is on fire!

[an ambulance rushes up and stops, but a Russell's Salt truck rushes up and bumps it away; the truck bed lifts up at the front end and dumps the salt on Kenny; if the fire was injury, this is insult]

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ooowww!

[the ambulance siren dies and the salt doesn't move; the boys stare at the truck]

Stan: Oh my God, you killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastard!

Cartman: Wow, I guess you *can* light a fart on fire, huh?

Brian Dennehy: Did someone say my name?

Stan: Who are you?

Brian Dennehy: I'm Brian Dennehy.

Kyle: What? No, not fuckin' Brian Dennehy!

Stan: Get the fuck out of here!

Brian Dennehy: Oh. Bye.

Cartman: See, it doesn't hurt anyone! Fuck, fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Sheila Broflovski: What the heck is a rimjob?

Mrs. Cartman: Why, that's where you put your legs behind your head and let someone lick your ass.

Terrence: [after singing and a few seconds of silence] Suck my balls

Cartman: Mom? If you were in a German "scheisse" video, you... you'd tell me, right?

[short pause]

Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hon.

Dr. Doctor: We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live.

Stan: Wait, before we put a message out, do a search on the word clitoris.

Kyle: Hmm OK Found: 8,000,000 pages found with the word clitoris.

[singing]

Stan: What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? / He'd make a plan and follow through, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Kyle: When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the Gold, / he did two salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold!

Cartman: When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears / he used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair!

StanKyle: So what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? / I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Cartman: I want this V-chip out of me. / It has stunted my vocabulary.

Kyle: And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone.

Stan: For Wendy I'll be an activist too, / 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

StanKyleCartman: And what would Brian Boitano do? He'd call all the kids in town / and tell them to unite for truth, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

[intermission]

StanKyleCartman: When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010, / he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again!

Cartman: And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids he beat up Kublai Khan!

StanKyleCartman: 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody! / So let's call all the kids together / and unite to stop our moms. / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Mr. Garrison: I can't wait to take leave so I can get me some fucking poontang.

Newscaster: But, Mr. Minister, it isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada. Let us not forget Bryan Adams.

Canadian Representative: Now, now, the Canadian Government has apologized for Bryan Adams on several occasions!

Canadian Ambassador: Can I finish? Please, can I finish?

[pause]

Canadian Ambassador: OK I'm finished.

Sheila Broflovski: Remember what the MPAA says; Horrific, Deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty woids! That's what this war is all about!

Cartman: Hey dudes!

Kyle: What's the matter Cartman?

Cartman: It's this V-Chip, I hate it! I can't say any dirty words

Kyle: Really? So you can't say Fuck?

Cartman: No!

Kyle: And you can't say Shit?

Cartman: No!

Kyle: So you can't say I'm Eric Cartman the Fattest fucking piece of Shit in the world?

Cartman: FUCK YOU!

[gets shocked by the V-chip]

Cartman: AHHH!

Kyle: Ewwww... Sweet!

Mr. Mackey: [singing] Step 4, don't say fuck anymore, 'cause fuck is the worst word that you can say.

Children: Fuck is the worst word that you can say. We shouldn't say fuck, no we shouldn't say fuck, fuck no!

Cartman: [singing] Well, Kyle's mom is a big, fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls. / On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wedensday and Saturday she's a bitch. Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a super king kamehameha bee-utch. / Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a big big big big big big bitch. / Bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch. Kyle's mom's a bitch, and she's such a stupid bitch./Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this!

[sings in mock foreign languages]

Terrence: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch.

Mr. Mackey: I want to know where you heard all this horrific obscenities, m'kay?

Kyle: Nowhere.

Stan: We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.

Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr Garrison ever said: "Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker".

Chorus: [singing] Shut your fucking face, Uncle Fucker. You're a boner biting bastard, Uncle Fucker.

Terrence: You're an uncle fucker, I must say.

Phillip: Well you fucked your uncle yesterday.

Terrance, Phillip: Uncle Fucker. That's U-N-C-L-E FUCK YOU! UNCLE FUCKAAAAHH...

Phillip: Suck my balls.

Kenny: Goodbye, you guys.

Army General: [shouting] You told us that windows 98 would be faster, and more efficient with better access to the internet!

Bill Gates: It IS faster! Over five million...

[General shoots Bill Gates and everyone cheers]

The Mole: What do you think this is kid? T.V. kiddie hour where we all stand around and lick Barney the dinosaur fucking pussy?

[hearing Terrence and Phillip say "donkey raping shit eater"]

Ike: Dopey pappy sheet eater.

[at a spelling bee]

Teacher: The word is "forensics".

Kid: Ah, fuck that. Why should we fucking have to spell forensics?

[cheers from kids in audience]

Kid: S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S. Forensics.

Big Gay Al: Bombs are flying, people are dying, children are crying, politicians are lying too. Cancer is killing, Texaco's spilling, the whole world's gone to hell, but how are you?

[singing]

Big Gay Al: I'm super! Thanks for asking!

Terrence: [singing] Looks like we may be out of luck.

Phillip: [singing] Tomorrow night, we're pretty fucked!

Soldier: [marching by the Broflovskis' house] And I don't know what I've been told / Canadian pussy is mighty cold.

Saddam Hussein: Ya like that, don't ya, bitch?

Kyle: Come on, Ike! Kick the baby!

Ike: Don't kick the baby.

Kyle: Kick the baby.

[runs and kicks Ike through a window]

The Mole: Hold me.

[coughs]

The Mole: There is no hope now, you must get out of here.

Kyle: We can't leave without you!

The Mole: It's okay, I'm done for.

Kyle: No! We can't leave without you! We don't know where the hell we are!

The Mole: Were is your God when you need him, huh? Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now?

[coughs]

The Mole: Here I come, God. Here I come, you fucking rat.

The Mole: [singing] Now the light, she fades... and darkness settles in... but I will find strength...

Kyle: No, Mole, hang on...

The Mole: [singing] I will find pride within...

Kyle: We'll get you home...

The Mole: [singing] Because although I die...

Kyle: I can't face my mother...

The Mole: [singing] Our freedom will be won...

Kyle: Not alone!

The Mole: [singing] Though I die... La Resistance lives... on... BLECHHHHH!

[dies]

The Mole: [dramatic music starts]

Kyle: [cutting the orchestra off suddenly] SHIT!

Cartman: You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman.

Cartman: Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club and all because she's a big fat stupid bit...

Kyle: Don't say it, Cartman.

Cartman: Well...

Kyle: Don't do it, Cartman.

Cartman: Well...

Kyle: I'm warning you!

Cartman: Okay, okay.

Kyle: I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a...

[gasps]

Cartman: Well... Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she a bitch to all the boys and girls.

Kyle: Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!

Cartman: On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch, then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehameha bee-otch! Come on, you all know the words. Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this.

[sings the song in four different languages]

Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!

[Mrs. Broflovski turns up, the children gasp and Cartman doesn't notice]

Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch!

Stan: Uh, Cartman?

Cartman: Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. I really mean it, Kyle's mom... She's a big fat fucking biiitch! Big old fat fucking bitch, that mom... Yeah! Chaa!

[the children stare at Cartman]

Cartman: What?

[Cartman turns around seeing Mrs. Broflovski]

Cartman: Oh... Fuck!

Cartman: [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!

Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?

Cartman: Jew?

Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!

Mr. Garrison: Kyle!

Cartman: Why the fuck not?

Mr. Garrison: Eric!

Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!

Mr. Garrison: Stanley!

Kenny: Fuck!

Mr. Garrison: Kenny!

Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.

Mr. Garrison: [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?

Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?

[the whole class gasps]

Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?

Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...

[Cartman picks up a megaphone]

Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?

[Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]

Stan: Holy shit, dude.

[In bed together]

Satan: Is sex the only thing that matters to you?

Saddam Hussein: I love you.

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Satan: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?

Saddam Hussein: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?

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Terrence: Now, Phillip, did you learn something in all this?

Phillip: I did, Terrence. I learned that you're a boner-biting, dick-fart, fuck-face!

[they laugh]

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Terrence: Well, Phillip, I hope you've learned something from this whole experience.

Phillip: I sure have, Terrance. I've learned that you are a boner-biting, dick-fart, fuck face.

Terrence: [they laugh] Wanna see the northern lights?

[strikes a match, farts, burns up]

Phillip: Ha ha ha. You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart. Ha ha ha.

Terrence: I sure did, Philip!

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Billy Baldwin: [answers the phone] Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin. If you want Daniel Baldwin call his extension, stupid!

[hangs up the phone]

Billy Baldwin: Hey Alec, you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?

Alec Baldwin: No, what?

Billy Baldwin: Nothing!

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Cartman: Hey Stan, tell them about the part where Terrence calls Phillip a testicle shitting rectal wart.

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[for no reason]

Eric Cartman: I hate you Kenny.

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Mrs. Cartman: [singing "Blame Canada"] And my little boy eric, had my picture on his shelf / And now when he sees me he tells me to go fuck myself!

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The Mole: You MUST shut of the alarms! I fucking hate guard dogs!

Cartman: Yeah, I heard you the first time you British piece of shit.

[gets shocked by the V-chip]

Cartman: Owww!

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[to Phillip]

Terrence: This is worse than the time when I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.

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Brooke Shields: I once farted on the set of Blue Lagoon.

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Stan: [singing] The sun is shining and the grass is green. / Under the three feet of snow, I mean.

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Newscaster: It's been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars and the world is still glad to be rid of him.

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Mr. Mackey: I guess I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see Terrence & Phillip.

Cartman: Everybody's fucking seen it.

Mrs. Cartman: Eric!

Cartman: I'm sorry I can't help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

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Cartman: It was the Terrence & Phillip movie.

Kyle: Dude!

Cartman: What? Fuck you guys. I wanna get out of here.

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Cartman: Yes, that's right, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Now who wants to touch me?

[pause]

Cartman: [yells] I said, who wants to fuckin' touch me?

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General: Now each battalion has a specific code-name and mission. Battalion 5, raise your hands!

[all the African American members put up their hands including Chef]

General: You will be the all important first defense wave, which we will call "Operation Human Shield".

Chef: Hey, wait a minute...

General: Now keep in mind, 'Operation Human Shield' will suffer heavy losses. But don't lose your spirit men! Stay until the bitter end. Battalion 14?

[all the White soldiers raise their hands]

General: Right, you are 'Operation Get Behind The Darkies'. You will follow Battalion 5 here and try not to get killed for God's Sake. Are there any questions men?

[Chef raises his hand]

General: Yes Soldier?

Chef: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

General: I don't listen to hip-hop!

Chef: Hey!

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Satan: Saddam, I need to talk to you

Saddam Hussein: Ah, you'd better get packing, bitch, we're running out of time.

Satan: [sighs] sometimes you can love someone very much, but still know they aren't right for you.

Saddam Hussein: What the *fuck* are you talking about?

Satan: You treat me like shit, Saddam! I'm leaving you!

Saddam Hussein: What? No? No! You can't do that! I have to go to Earth!

Satan: You don't even have any respect for me.

Saddam Hussein: Sure I do, guy, please, just hear me out

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Kyle: Let me have some candy, Cartman.

Cartman: Let's see, hmm, nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.

Kyle: Fine! Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!

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Stan: But this is going to be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada.

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[his last words]

Kenny: Mmf mm mpf mm mommmppf mmf momm mmom mf mff. Mff mffs mmmph mmf, mmph? Mmmpf mpph.

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[singing]

Chef: So finally, what a happy end / Americans and Canadians are friends again.

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Chef: [singing] Everything worked out what a happy end. Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down.

CartmanKyleStan: Don't you know our little lives are now complete?

Mrs. CartmanSheila Broflovski: 'Cause Terrance and phillip are sweet.

Sheila Broflovski: Super sweet.

everyone: Thank God we live in this quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash...

CartmanKyleStan: Kick-ass!

everyone: Mountain... town!

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Stan: Thank you Clitoris!

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Saddam Hussein: [torturing Kenny] Yeah Yeah, men, this is getting me so hot. Rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy

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Kyle: Hey, Mole, be careful.

The Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?

Stan: Man, that kid is fucked up!

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Satan: [singing] Up there, there is so much room / Where baby's burp and flowers bloom / Everyone dreams I can dream too / Up there / Up where the skies are ocean blue / I could be safe and live without a care / Up there

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[Just finished watching Terrence and Phillip's motion picture]

Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!

Cartman: You bet your fuckin' ass it was!

Stan: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrence and Phillip!

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Satan: [singing] What if you remain a sandy little butthole?

Saddam Hussein: [singing] Hey, Satan, don't be such a twit / Mother Teresa won't have shit on me.

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Jimbo Kearn: Oh boy, military action, Ned, we're gonna kill us some goddam Australians!

Ned Gerblanski: I think we're fighting Canadians.

Jimbo Kearn: Canadians, Australians, what's the difference?

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Stan: Listen Mr. homeless man, if you don't wanna buy us the tickets and not get your ten bucks and not buy yourself a bottle of vodka, then be my guest.

Homeless man: Six tickets please!

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Kyle: You are all just a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!

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Ticket Taker: Hey wait a minute, where is your guardian?

Cartman: What?

Ticket Taker: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in. Didn't you?

Cartman: Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit eater.

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Sheila Broslofski: Gentlemen, do you have any last words?

Phillip: Last words? How's aboot: "Get me the fuck out of this chair!" How's that for last words?

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Chef: [singing] Everything worked out/What a happy end/Canadians and Americans are friends again.

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Satan: The day is mine!

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Gregory: I'm here for "la resistance."

Kyle: What's the password?

Gregory: I don't know.

Kyle: Guess.

Gregory: Uhhh... bacon.

Kyle: ...okay.

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Newscaster: Is Terrance and Philip affecting America's youth? Here with that report is a midget in a bikini.

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The Mole: Now, did you bring the mirror?

Stan: Check!

The Mole: Did you bring the rope?

Stan: Check!

The Mole: Did you bring the buttfor?

Stan: What's a buttfor?

The Mole: For pooping, silly.

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[American representative stands up and clears his throat]

[pause]

American Representative: Fuck Canada!

Canadian Representative: Hey fuck you buddy!

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Terrence: You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn/ You just fuck your Uncle all day long!

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[Kenny is falling into Hell, where he encounters the damned]

George Burns: Hey, fuckface. Have you seen Gracie?

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[all hyped and ready after singing a song]

Stan: Can I have FIVE tickets to Terence Phillip: Asses on Fire, please?

[pause]

Ticket Taker: No!

Stan: What do you mean no?

Ticket Taker: Terrance and Philip: Asses of Fire has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America, you have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.

Stan: But why?

Ticket Taker: Because this movie has naughty language! Next please.

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Stan: Hey, guys. Do you know where I can find the clitoris?

Kyle: The what?

Cartman: What, is that like finding Jesus or something?

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Cartman: Wow, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh?

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Kenny's Mom: Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church and then when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!

Kenny: [pauses] Okay!

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[Shelia Brovlovski is speaking on national television about war against Canada]

Sheila Broflovski: ...if it's war they want, it's war they'll have!

Cartman: This is fucking weak...

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[During the Uncle Fucker song]

Phillip: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker, you're a boner-biting-bastard, uncle fucker.

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[Stan is staring at Wendy]

Cartman: Hey, you're holding up the god damn lunch line!

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Stan: Hey, Mole. You know where the "clitoris" is?

The Mole: Ze what?

Stan: The "clitoris." I have to have to find the clitoris so I can get this Wendy girl to like me again.

[the Mole grasps Stan]

The Mole: Hey, you have to stop thinking with your dick! You have to be on your toes, because I am not going be grounded again. Not for you, not for anybody!

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The Mole: If anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe.

Stan: What's a dying giraffe sound like?

The Mole: WUUUUUaahhh! WUUUaaaaaaahhhhh!

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Kyle: WUUUUaaahh! WUUUaaaaahhhhh!

Soldier: Hey, you hear that? Sounds like a giraffe's dying over there!

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Terrance: Well, Phillip, I hope you've learned something from this whole experience.

Phillip: I sure have, Terrance. I've learned that you are a boner-biting, dick-fart, fuck face.

Terrance: [they laugh] Wanna see the northern lights?

[Strikes a match, farts, burns up]

Phillip: Ha ha ha. You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart. Ha ha ha.

Terrance: I sure did Philip!

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Saddam Hussein: Hey Satan, I got some new luggage for our trip up to Earth. Let's fuck to celebrate.

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Stan: We're "La Resistance," we want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.

The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded in my room for the next three days.

Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.

Stan: Why are you grounded?

The Mole: Why? Because God hates me, that's why. He has made my life miserable. So I call him a cock-sucking asshole, and I get grounded.

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Cartman: [mocking the mole] Shut of ze power Cartman, zis is very important Cartman.

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Satan: You have spilled the blood of the innocent. Now begins two million years of Darkness.

Chef: Oh, good job Mrs. Broslofski. Thanks a lot!

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Voice on Radio: And so, the draft will being tomorrow as more and more troops are needed to invade the Canadian border. The Canadian government pleads for a peaceful resolution, but naturally, we're not listening.

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Sheila Broflovski: [singing] When Canada is dead and gone, there'll be no more Celine Dion!

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[Kenny has just appeared for the second time]

Cartman: [not cursing to avoid getting shocked by V-chip] Son of a gun! Heck!

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Stan: Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?

Chef: Oh, that's easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.

Stan: Huh?

Chef: Whoops.

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Woman in Theatre: [Terrence And Phillip are singing "Uncle Fucka", and two movie patrons walk out in the middle of the song] What garbage!

Man in Theatre: Well, what do you expect, they're Canadian!

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Stan: [singing] You see homeless people but you just don't care!

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[after unsuccessfully trying to save Kenny]

Dr. Doctor: Dammit! It never gets any easier!

[walks away whistling]

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Phillip: This little scrotum sucker deceived us.

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Cartman: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?

Mr. Mackey: What?

Cartman: What's the big fucking deal, bitch?

Stan: Yeah!

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Phillip: Cheers, fuck-face.

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Saddam Hussein: [to the military] You're all really fucked now!

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[first lines]

Stan: [singing] There's a bunch of birds in the sky. And some deers just went running by.

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everyone: [singing] Thank God we live in this quiet, little, pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayeseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash, kick-ass! Mountain town!

Stan: [pointing at Kenny in the sky] Look.

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[in post-credits scene]

Ike: Guys out there is hurted.

[eats rat]

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Sheila Broslofski: [singing] Blame Canada! Blame Canada! It seems that everything's gone wrong since Canada came along. Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

Man in Chorus: [singing] They're not even a real country anyway.

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Mr. Garrison: All the Baldwins are dead!

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The Mole: [dying] Here I come, God. Here I come, you fucking rat.

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Cartman: Hey Stan! Tell them about the part where Terrance called Phillip a "testicle-shitting rectal wart!"

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The Mole: You realize that by doing this we could be grounded for two, perhaps even three weeks.

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Satan: The time of prophecy is upon us!

Saddam Hussein: I love when you get all biblical, Satan! You know exactly how to turn my crank.

Satan: No, I'm being serious!

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Eric Cartman: More people will come if they think we have punch and pie.

Kyle: [typing] Punch and pie.

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Satan: You have spilt the blood of the innocence, now begins 2,000,000 years of darkness!

Chef: [sarcastically] Oh, good job, Mrs. Broslofski! Thanks a lot!

Sheila Broslofski: [innocently] I was just trying to make the world a better place for children!

Saddam Hussein: Yeah, and brought enough intolerence in the world to allow my coming. Now everyone bow down to me!

[the Canadians and Americans do so]

Saddam Hussein: [laughs] Yeah!

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Mr. Mackey: [over loud speaker] Anyone wearing Terrance and Phillip shirts are to be sent home immediately!

Children: [pause] Hurray!

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[the Mole ordered Cartman to disable the army camp alarms, but to his surprise the alarms sound when he tries to rescue Terrance and Phillip and he gets set upon by a pack of wild guard dogs, which he manages to escape from]

The Mole: [Bloody & mortally injured] Ze alarms, they went off?

Cartman: [Casually] Oh that was my bad, sorry.

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Wendy Testeberger: Fuck Gregory. Fuck him right in the ear!

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Mr. Garrison: Sorry kids, I just can't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

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Sheila Broflovski: [In Chorus with Everyone] We've got to blame Canada, we've got to make a fuss! Before someone thinks of blaming us!

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Cartman: [after seeing Kenny's ghost] Mom I saw him, I saw Kenny!

Mrs. Cartman: Oh, you poor dear! You've been through so much.

Cartman: I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire, and now he's all pissed off

[gets shocked]

Cartman: damn I can't say "pissed off" either!

[gets shocked again]

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Cartman: [Realizing he still has Mr. Hat] Why the hell am I still holding this thing for?

[Throws him away]

Mr. Garrison: [From off screen] Mr. Hat, no!

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Kyle: You don't think they're really going to kill Terrence and Phillip, do you?

Cartman: Kyle you need to stop being such a chicken shit and stand up to your mother!, you need to smack her in the face and say that's enough of your shit you fucking bitch!

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Sheila Broflovski: Kyle you are grounded for two weeks.

Sharon Marsh: You too Stan.

Mrs. Cartman: And you're grounded for three weeks Eric.

Cartman: Hey! Why am I grounded more that's fuckin' bullshit!

Mrs. Cartman: What, what, what? What was that word young man?

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Stan: Hey you guys I found the clitoris. I think I can get Wendy to like me again.

Cartman: Yeah I guess all's well that end's well. We can go home now. You dipshit!

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Cartman: Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that good anyway.

Kyle: Cartman! What the hell are you talking about? You LOVE Terrance and Philiip!

Cartman: Yeah, but the animation is all crappy.

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Cartman: You should've seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind.

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!

Cartman: No dude, I'd be scared too, your mom is a fucking bitch.

Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!

Cartman: Don't call me fat you buttfucking son of a bitch!

Chef: Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that?

Cartman: It's pretty fucking sweet, huh?

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Terrence: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch!

Phillip: Oh, you shitfaced cockmaster!

Cartman: Wow! 'Shitfaced cockmaster'.

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Voice on Radio: All Canadian-American citizens are to report to ne of these death camps right away. Did I say death camps? I meant happy camps, where you will eat the finest meals, have access to the fabulous doctors, and be able to exercise regularly.

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Sharon Marsh: Well good morning, Stan.

Stan Marsh: Hi mom, can I have eight dollars to see a movie?

Sharon Marsh: A movie? But I thought you were going ice-skating.

Stan Marsh: But this is gonna be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada!

Sharon Marsh: Oh alright, then. But be back for supper!

Stan Marsh: Thanks, mom!

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Stan Marsh: Dude, dude, wake up!

[Kenny does so and gets dressed]

Stan Marsh: Kenny, come on!

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Coming!

Stan Marsh: Kenny! The new Terrance and Phillip movie is out! You wanna come with me?

Kenny McCormick: Yeah, dude! Come on, let's go, quick...

[They walk away... ]

Kenny's Mom: [appears at the door] Where'd you think YOU'RE going?

Kenny McCormick: We're going to the Terrance and Phillip movie.

Kenny's Mom: You can't, you gotta go to church.

Kenny McCormick: But mom, I really wanna see this movie!

Kenny's Mom: Fine. You go ahead and miss church. And then, when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!

Kenny McCormick: ...Okay!

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Kyle: Ok. Let's try this one more time. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

Ike Broflovski: Don't kick the baby.

Kyle: Kick the baby!

[Kicks Ike through a window, causing it to shatter]

Sheila Broflovski: Ike! You broke ANOTHER window! That's a bad baby! Baaaaaad baby!

Stan Marsh: Kyle, we're going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie!

Kyle: Oh my god, dude!

Sheila Broflovski: Kyle! Where are you going?

Kyle: Uuh, we're going ice-skating.

Sheila Broflovski: Well take your little brother with you.

[Ike bounces up to Kyle]

Kyle: Aww, come on, ma! He's not even my real brother. He's adopted!

Sheila Broflovski: DO AS I SAY, KYLE!

Kyle: Ok, ok, I'm sorry!

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Eric Cartman: Mom, there's someone at the door.

[No reply]

Eric Cartman: Mom, I said there's someone at the door!

Mrs. Cartman: Coming, hun.

Eric Cartman: [as Liane walks past] Ay, I can't see the TV!

Mrs. Cartman: Oh, look Eric, It's your little friends!

Ike Broflovski: Fireman!

Eric Cartman: What are you guys doing here?

[Stan holds up the piece of paper with the movie ad on it]

Eric Cartman: Aw, sweet dudes! Yes, YEEES!

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Eric Cartman: I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.

Kyle: Your "behind"?

Eric Cartman: I have to say "behind" because I get shocked if I say "ass".

[VChip activates]

Eric Cartman: AGH!

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Sheila Broflovski: Nooo!

[shoots Terrence and Phillip with a gun]

Kyle: Holy shit, dude!

Sheila Broflovski: Young man, you watch your mouth.

[blood oozes out of Phillip's body]

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CartmanKyleStan: [singing] Why did our mothers start this war? What the fuck are they fighting for? When did this song become a marathon?

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Terrence: You're such a pig-fucker, Phillip!

Phillip: Terrance, why would you call me a pig-fucker?

Terrence: Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.

Phillip: Oh yeah!

Cartman: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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