Quotes

[In bed together]

Satan: Is sex the only thing that matters to you?

Saddam Hussein: I love you.

Terrence: You're such a pig-fucker, Phillip!

Phillip: Terrance, why would you call me a pig-fucker?

Terrence: Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.

Phillip: Oh yeah!

[Kenny has just died in the hospital]

Cartman: I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.

Kyle: It's not your fault, Cartman.

Cartman: Dude, I know, I'm just fuckin' stoked I don't have to pay him.

Kyle: Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!

Terrence: Well, Phillip, I hope you've learned something from this whole experience.

Phillip: I sure have, Terrance. I've learned that you are a boner-biting, dick-fart, fuck face.

Terrence: [they laugh] Wanna see the northern lights?

[strikes a match, farts, burns up]

Phillip: Ha ha ha. You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart. Ha ha ha.

Terrence: I sure did, Philip!

Billy Baldwin: [answers the phone] Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin. If you want Daniel Baldwin call his extension, stupid!

[hangs up the phone]

Billy Baldwin: Hey Alec, you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?

Alec Baldwin: No, what?

Billy Baldwin: Nothing!

[demonstrating a "V-Chip" planted into Cartman]

Dr. Vosknocker: Now, I want you to say "doggy".

Cartman: Doggy.

Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Notice, that nothing happens.

[to Cartman]

Dr. Vosknocker: Now, say "Montana".

Cartman: Montana.

Dr. Vosknocker: Good. Now, "pillow".

Cartman: Pillow.

Dr. Vosknocker: All right. Now I want you to say "horse fucker".

Mrs. Cartman: Go on, honey. It's all right.

Cartman: Horse fu...

[gets shocked by the V-chip]

Cartman: That hurts, goddamnit!

[gets shocked again]

Dr. Vosknocker: Now I want you to say "big floppy donkey dick".

Cartman: No!

Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Success! The child doesn't want to swear!

Cartman: This isn't fair, you sons of bi...

[gets shocked repeatedly]

Cartman: See, it doesn't hurt anyone! Fuck, fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Cartman: Hey Stan, tell them about the part where Terrence calls Phillip a testicle shitting rectal wart.

[for no reason]

Eric Cartman: I hate you Kenny.

Mrs. Cartman: [singing "Blame Canada"] And my little boy eric, had my picture on his shelf / And now when he sees me he tells me to go fuck myself!

[to Phillip]

Terrence: This is worse than the time when I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.

Stan: [singing] The sun is shining and the grass is green. / Under the three feet of snow, I mean.

Cartman: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Cartman: It was the Terrence & Phillip movie.

Kyle: Dude!

Cartman: What? Fuck you guys. I wanna get out of here.

Cartman: Yes, that's right, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Now who wants to touch me?

[pause]

Cartman: [yells] I said, who wants to fuckin' touch me?

General: Now each battalion has a specific code-name and mission. Battalion 5, raise your hands!

[all the African American members put up their hands including Chef]

General: You will be the all important first defense wave, which we will call "Operation Human Shield".

Chef: Hey, wait a minute...

General: Now keep in mind, 'Operation Human Shield' will suffer heavy losses. But don't lose your spirit men! Stay until the bitter end. Battalion 14?

[all the White soldiers raise their hands]

General: Right, you are 'Operation Get Behind The Darkies'. You will follow Battalion 5 here and try not to get killed for God's Sake. Are there any questions men?

[Chef raises his hand]

General: Yes Soldier?

Chef: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

General: I don't listen to hip-hop!

Chef: Hey!

Kyle: Let me have some candy, Cartman.

Cartman: Let's see, hmm, nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.

Kyle: Fine! Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!

Stan: But this is going to be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada.

[his last words]

Kenny: Mmf mm mpf mm mommmppf mmf momm mmom mf mff. Mff mffs mmmph mmf, mmph? Mmmpf mpph.

Chef: [singing] Everything worked out what a happy end. Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down.

Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Don't you know our little lives are now complete?

Mrs. Cartman, Sheila Broflovski: 'Cause Terrance and phillip are sweet.

Sheila Broflovski: Super sweet.

everyone: Thank God we live in this quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash...

Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Kick-ass!

everyone: Mountain... town!

Mr. Garrison: I can't wait to take leave so I can get me some fucking poontang.

Mr. Garrison: What is five times two?

[No response from the class]

Mr. Garrison: Now come on children, don't be shy, just give it your best shot.

[Clive raises his hand]

Clive: Twelve.

Mr. Garrison: OK, now lets try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard.

Canadian Ambassador: Can I finish? Please, can I finish?

[pause]

Canadian Ambassador: OK I'm finished.

Saddam Hussein: [torturing Kenny] Yeah Yeah, men, this is getting me so hot. Rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy

Gregory: I must say, I don't believe I belong here with these rogues. I transferred from Yardale where I had a 4.0 grade point average.

Cartman: You're a fucking faggot, dude.

[Just finished watching Terrence and Phillip's motion picture]

Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!

Cartman: You bet your fuckin' ass it was!

Stan: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrence and Phillip!

Jimbo Kearn: Oh boy, military action, Ned, we're gonna kill us some goddam Australians!

Ned Gerblanski: I think we're fighting Canadians.

Jimbo Kearn: Canadians, Australians, what's the difference?

Kyle: You are all just a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!

Cartman: Hey dudes!

Kyle: What's the matter Cartman?

Cartman: It's this V-Chip, I hate it! I can't say any dirty words

Kyle: Really? So you can't say Fuck?

Cartman: No!

Kyle: And you can't say Shit?

Cartman: No!

Kyle: So you can't say I'm Eric Cartman the Fattest fucking piece of Shit in the world?

Cartman: FUCK YOU!

[gets shocked by the V-chip]

Cartman: AHHH!

Kyle: Ewwww... Sweet!

Chef: [singing] Everything worked out/What a happy end/Canadians and Americans are friends again.

Mr. Mackey: [singing] Step 4, don't say fuck anymore, 'cause fuck is the worst word that you can say.

Children: Fuck is the worst word that you can say. We shouldn't say fuck, no we shouldn't say fuck, fuck no!

Cartman: [singing] Well, Kyle's mom is a big, fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls. / On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wedensday and Saturday she's a bitch. Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a super king kamehameha bee-utch. / Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a big big big big big big bitch. / Bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch. Kyle's mom's a bitch, and she's such a stupid bitch./Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this!

[sings in mock foreign languages]

The Mole: Now, did you bring the mirror?

Stan: Check!

The Mole: Did you bring the rope?

Stan: Check!

The Mole: Did you bring the buttfor?

Stan: What's a buttfor?

The Mole: For pooping, silly.

Saddam Hussein: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.

Cartman: Hey, don't call me fat buttfucker!

[rays shoot from malfunctioning V-chip and kill a demon from hell]

Stan: Do it Cartman! Do it!

Cartman: Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authoritayyy!

[shocks Saddam]

Saddam Hussein: You need to watch your mouth, brat.

Cartman: Dog-shit taco!

Saddam Hussein: Quick Satan! Do something!

Cartman: Try this on for size... Blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle!

Saddam Hussein: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry - I can change!

Cartman: OK... not! Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbra Streisand!

Mr. Mackey: I want to know where you heard all this horrific obscenities, m'kay?

Kyle: Nowhere.

Stan: We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.

Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr Garrison ever said: "Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker".

Terrence: You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn/ You just fuck your Uncle all day long!

[all hyped and ready after singing a song]

Stan: Can I have FIVE tickets to Terence Phillip: Asses on Fire, please?

[pause]

Ticket Taker: No!

Stan: What do you mean no?

Ticket Taker: Terrance and Philip: Asses of Fire has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America, you have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.

Stan: But why?

Ticket Taker: Because this movie has naughty language! Next please.

Cartman: Wow, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh?

Kenny: Goodbye, you guys.

The Mole: What do you think this is kid? T.V. kiddie hour where we all stand around and lick Barney the dinosaur fucking pussy?

[Shelia Brovlovski is speaking on national television about war against Canada]

Sheila Broflovski: ...if it's war they want, it's war they'll have!

Cartman: This is fucking weak...

[During the Uncle Fucker song]

Phillip: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker, you're a boner-biting-bastard, uncle fucker.

Stan: Hey, Mole. You know where the "clitoris" is?

The Mole: Ze what?

Stan: The "clitoris." I have to have to find the clitoris so I can get this Wendy girl to like me again.

[the Mole grasps Stan]

The Mole: Hey, you have to stop thinking with your dick! You have to be on your toes, because I am not going be grounded again. Not for you, not for anybody!

Big Gay Al: Bombs are flying, people are dying, children are crying, politicians are lying too. Cancer is killing, Texaco's spilling, the whole world's gone to hell, but how are you?

[singing]

Big Gay Al: I'm super! Thanks for asking!

Terrance: Well, Phillip, I hope you've learned something from this whole experience.

Phillip: I sure have, Terrance. I've learned that you are a boner-biting, dick-fart, fuck face.

Terrance: [they laugh] Wanna see the northern lights?

[Strikes a match, farts, burns up]

Phillip: Ha ha ha. You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart. Ha ha ha.

Terrance: I sure did Philip!

Stan: We're "La Resistance," we want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.

The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded in my room for the next three days.

Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.

Stan: Why are you grounded?

The Mole: Why? Because God hates me, that's why. He has made my life miserable. So I call him a cock-sucking asshole, and I get grounded.

Satan: You have spilled the blood of the innocent. Now begins two million years of Darkness.

Chef: Oh, good job Mrs. Broslofski. Thanks a lot!

Terrence: [singing] Looks like we may be out of luck.

Phillip: [singing] Tomorrow night, we're pretty fucked!

Sheila Broflovski: [singing] When Canada is dead and gone, there'll be no more Celine Dion!

Stan: Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?

Chef: Oh, that's easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.

Stan: Huh?

Chef: Whoops.

Stan: [singing] You see homeless people but you just don't care!

Phillip: This little scrotum sucker deceived us.

Cartman: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?

Mr. Mackey: What?

Cartman: What's the big fucking deal, bitch?

Stan: Yeah!

Saddam Hussein: [to the military] You're all really fucked now!

everyone: [singing] Thank God we live in this quiet, little, pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayeseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash, kick-ass! Mountain town!

Stan: [pointing at Kenny in the sky] Look.

Sheila Broslofski: [singing] Blame Canada! Blame Canada! It seems that everything's gone wrong since Canada came along. Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

Man in Chorus: [singing] They're not even a real country anyway.

Mr. Garrison: All the Baldwins are dead!

Cartman: Hey Stan! Tell them about the part where Terrance called Phillip a "testicle-shitting rectal wart!"

Satan: The time of prophecy is upon us!

Saddam Hussein: I love when you get all biblical, Satan! You know exactly how to turn my crank.

Satan: No, I'm being serious!

Satan: You have spilt the blood of the innocence, now begins 2,000,000 years of darkness!

Chef: [sarcastically] Oh, good job, Mrs. Broslofski! Thanks a lot!

Sheila Broslofski: [innocently] I was just trying to make the world a better place for children!

Saddam Hussein: Yeah, and brought enough intolerence in the world to allow my coming. Now everyone bow down to me!

[the Canadians and Americans do so]

Saddam Hussein: [laughs] Yeah!

[the Mole ordered Cartman to disable the army camp alarms, but to his surprise the alarms sound when he tries to rescue Terrance and Phillip and he gets set upon by a pack of wild guard dogs, which he manages to escape from]

The Mole: [Bloody & mortally injured] Ze alarms, they went off?

Cartman: [Casually] Oh that was my bad, sorry.

Wendy Testeberger: Fuck Gregory. Fuck him right in the ear!

Sheila Broflovski: [In Chorus with Everyone] We've got to blame Canada, we've got to make a fuss! Before someone thinks of blaming us!

Cartman: [Realizing he still has Mr. Hat] Why the hell am I still holding this thing for?

[Throws him away]

Mr. Garrison: [From off screen] Mr. Hat, no!

Sheila Broflovski: Kyle you are grounded for two weeks.

Sharon Marsh: You too Stan.

Mrs. Cartman: And you're grounded for three weeks Eric.

Cartman: Hey! Why am I grounded more that's fuckin' bullshit!

Mrs. Cartman: What, what, what? What was that word young man?

Cartman: Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that good anyway.

Kyle: Cartman! What the hell are you talking about? You LOVE Terrance and Philiip!

Cartman: Yeah, but the animation is all crappy.

Terrence: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch!

Phillip: Oh, you shitfaced cockmaster!

Cartman: Wow! 'Shitfaced cockmaster'.

Terrence: You're such a pig fucker, Phillipe!

[boys gasp]

Kyle: What did he say?

Phillip: Terrence, why would you call me a pig fucker?

Terrence: Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs!

Phillip: Oh, yeah.

[both laugh]

Terrence: Fuck my ass and call me a bitch!

[both laugh again]

Phillip: Oh, you shit-faced cock master!

[boys say wow]

Eric Cartman: Shit-faced cock master.

Terrence: Listen you donkey rapping shit-eater!

Kyle: Donkey rapping shit eater.

Ike: [baby talk] Donkey rapping shit-eater!

Terrence: You'd fuck your uncle!

Terrence: You'd fuck your uncle!

Terrence: [singing] Shut your funking face Uncle Fucker! Your cock-ass licking Uncle Fucker! You're an uncle fucker, yes it's true nobody fucks uncle quite like you!

Phillip: Shut your fucking face Uncle Fucker! You're the one that fucks your uncle, Uncle Fucker! You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn, you fuck your uncle all day long.

[both fart rhythmically]

Canadian guard: What's going on here?

everyone: Fuck your uncle, fuck your uncle, fuck your uncle, fuck your uncle, fuck your uncle! Shut your fucking face Uncle Fucker, you're a boner dieing Uncle Fucker!

Terrence: You're an uncle fucker I must say.

Phillip: You'd fucked your uncle yesterday!

everyone: Uncle Fucker that's you, U-N-C-L-E, fuck you! Uncle Fucker!

Stan Marsh: Dude, dude, wake up!

[Kenny does so and gets dressed]

Stan Marsh: Kenny, come on!

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Coming!

Stan Marsh: Kenny! The new Terrance and Phillip movie is out! You wanna come with me?

Kenny McCormick: Yeah, dude! Come on, let's go, quick...

[They walk away... ]

Kenny's Mom: [appears at the door] Where'd you think YOU'RE going?

Kenny McCormick: We're going to the Terrance and Phillip movie.

Kenny's Mom: You can't, you gotta go to church.

Kenny McCormick: But mom, I really wanna see this movie!

Kenny's Mom: Fine. You go ahead and miss church. And then, when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!

Kenny McCormick: ...Okay!

Eric Cartman: Mom, there's someone at the door.

[No reply]

Eric Cartman: Mom, I said there's someone at the door!

Mrs. Cartman: Coming, hun.

Eric Cartman: [as Liane walks past] Ay, I can't see the TV!

Mrs. Cartman: Oh, look Eric, It's your little friends!

Ike Broflovski: Fireman!

Eric Cartman: What are you guys doing here?

[Stan holds up the piece of paper with the movie ad on it]

Eric Cartman: Aw, sweet dudes! Yes, YEEES!

Saddam Hussein: [singing] Some people say that I'm a bad guy, they may be right, they may be right. But it's not as if I don't try, I just fuck up, try as I might. But I can change, I can change! I can learn to keep my promises I swear it. I'll open up my heart and I will share it. Any minute now I will be born again! Yes, I can change, I can change, I know I've been a dirty little bastard. I like to kill, I like to maim, yes, I'm insane, but it's okay, cause I can change! It's not my fault that I'm so evil. It's society, society. You see my parents were sometimes abusive, and it made a prick of me! But I can change, I can change. I can learn to keep my promises I know it. I'll open up my heart and I will show it, any minute now I will be born again!

Satan: But what if you never change? What if you remain a sandy little butt-hole?

Saddam Hussein: Hey Satan, don't be such a twit. Mother Theresa won't have shit on me!