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Charmed (TV Series 1998–2006) Poster

(1998–2006)

Quotes

Piper: Life isn't a garden so stop being a hoe.

Piper: I'll play the bitch, you play the witch, ok?

Phoebe: [singing] Oh, I'm making soup for Cole, he'll eat it in a bowl, I guess that's my new role, making soup for Cole.

Piper: Why didn't you save her?

Leo: I tried.

Piper: But you didn't. Why didn't they let you save her, too?

Leo: The Elders? They couldn't. They don't have that kind of power.

Piper: Then what the hell good are they?

[Piper stands up and walks away from Leo and finds a tissue, Leo follows]

Leo: It's okay to be angry.

Piper: I'm not angry. I am pissed off! Don't you understand? You healed the wrong sister! You saved me because I'm your damn wife, and you should've saved her because she was the best! Because she, you should.

[She loses it again, overcome. Leo moves up behind her and this time, she lets him hold her]

Piper: Why do they put us through so much for it to end this way?

Piper: You asked me to marry you, and I did. You wanted a family, and I gave you a son. And now you just want me to watch you walk away?

Leo: Piper it's not that simple.

Piper: Then make it simple.

[Wyatt has shrunken Piper and Leo into a doll house size of the Manor]

Piper: OK... let me handle Wyatt. This requires a mother's touch... Wyatt Matthew Halliwell! You stop this nonsense right now!

Leo: ...plus ours will be doubly magical - half Whitelighter. Half witch.

Paige: Hey, that's like me. Oh. You might have some problems.

Phoebe: You're a monkey. Ooh, you're an angry monkey. Oh, you're pissed. You're- PMS monkey?

Phoebe: I forgot your question.

Piper: I asked if Prue was going to have sex with someone other than herself this year.

Phoebe: That's disgusting. Please say yes.

Piper: You know, if I could freeze the two of you, I would, often.

Phoebe: Where the hell is Leo, it's been five hours and he hasn't responded to any of my calls.

Chris Perry: I really don't know

Piper: Well I really think you do know

Chris Perry: Well maybe I do, and if I'm right, Leo's gonna need some major alone time

Piper: You know what? Cut the cryptic crap. I want you to go up there and bring Leo back now.

Chris Perry: Fine. But if I was you I would focus on finding a way to unfreeze Paige 'cause you're gonna need her... soon

Piper: I swear to God if he does not bring Leo back I am gonna blow his ass back to the future orbs and all.

Phoebe: Okay, Piper maybe it would be better if you go downstairs and spend some time with Wyatt... you're not breathing are you?

Piper: Nope

Phoebe: Breathe, inhale, exhale, okay next sister.

[a spell that allows a witch to hear the thoughts of others has backfired, causing the sisters to hear each other's thoughts, too]

Piper: Yeah, next time get your own damn lipstick.

Prue: I heard that.

Piper: I love you.

Prue: Bite me.

Piper: Vanquish demon first, kill husband later.

[Morris extends his arm to touch Piper's belly]

Darryl: Hey, if you ask me, there's nothing more beautiful than a preg...

Piper: Do it, and you'll pull back a bloody stub.

[Morris retracts his arm]

Paige: She's a little sensitive right now.

Darryl: I can see that.

Leo: [after Paige tests a vanquishing potion on him] Damn it, Paige! I would appreciate it if you didn't practice on me. I may be dead, but it still hurts!

Leo: Piper, this is completely illegal.

Piper: Yeah? Well, so is marrying a dead guy, okay?

[She holds up his death certificate]

Piper: Let's not get technical now.

Phoebe: Notice anything different about me?

[Paige looks at her oddly]

Piper: Engagement ring. Notice it or wear coffee.

Cole: You're pregnant?

Piper: I was, but now I think Leo is.

[Piper walks into the living room to see Phoebe and Paige wearing beauty masks]

Piper: Ah.

Phoebe: What?

Piper: Oh, my God. You two could scare the hair off a cat. No demons dare drop by here.

Chris: I was just wondering how it went with the doctor.

Piper: Well, you'll be happy to know that you're a boy.

[holds up ultrasound picture]

Chris: That's not what I meant.

Paige: [looking at picture] I don't see it.

Piper: Oh, see, it's this little thing right here...

[points]

Chris: Whoa!

[grabs ultrasound]

Chris: Excuse me! Do you mind?

Phoebe: Go away horny tom cats.

Piper: Yeah. Sure, why not? We could have another funeral tomorrow. I mean, all the dishes are out and we pretty much know who to invite.

Cole: Don't you think you're being a little paranoid?

Phoebe: With my demon ex-husband from hell?

Piper: So let me get this straight. You summoned me to a cage where our powers don't work so, what, we could all die together?

Paige: I'll admit the plan has a few flaws.

Wyatt Halliwell: Is this Chris? He's so small! Is this before or after he swallowed that marble?

Prue: I mean, how come we can't fight the demon of cleanliness or the demon of housekeeping, or even that really big bald guy, Mr. Clean? I would so totally take him on.

Piper: You got anything that would go with combat boots? You know, for the mommy-to-be who kicks some ass on occasion.

Piper: Oh, please, please, somebody help me. The mean demon is dipping me into the water and it's really cold.

Grams: Have you been exercising your powers daily?

Piper: Do I need to?

Grams: Well, you know, if you don't want to lose control of them. Did you perform a ritual to promote growth?

[Piper and Leo look sheepish]

Grams: Did you cast a spell to ward off demonic parasites?

[Piper and Leo continue to look ashamed]

Grams: Sweetheart, what did you do?

Leo: We built a nursery in our bedroom closet.

Grams: No wonder this baby summoned me.

Piper: So what do you say to an overbearing younger sister who's treating her pregnant older sister like a porcelain doll?

Phoebe: "Thank you"?

Piper: How about "Knock it off"?

Phoebe: That's probably better advice.

Phoebe: [about Leo's spell] "We harken ye"? What are we trying to summon a leprechaun here?

Piper: I've come to the conclusion that if you've got it, then you must flaunt it.

[lifts her shirt a little to show her pregnant tummy]

Phoebe: That's my niece in that belly.

Paige: She's my niece, too.

Phoebe: Hi, niece. It's your favorite aunt, Phoebe.

[Prue and Piper just find out Leo is a Whitelighter]

Prue: What is he again?

Phoebe: He's a Whitelighter. You know, kinda like Peter Pan and Tinkerbell without the wings and the tutu.

Phoebe: Last night two guys held up a bar and a vigilante killed them.

Paige: Sounds more like you need an arrest warrant, not a potion.

Phoebe: Not when the vigilante is tall, dark and handsome and can send people flying with the wave of a hand.

Piper: Well, that doesn't mean it's Cole.

Phoebe: Did I forget to mention the scorch marks?

Piper: See, *that* means it's Cole.

Darryl: Piper...

Piper: Uh-huh.

Darryl: You froze the crime scene.

Piper: Uh-huh.

Darryl: You cannot freeze a crime scene.

Piper: Well, I did.

Barbas: How cute. The great big elder's afraid of the teeny-weeny itsy-witsy baby.

Phoebe: I curse you, you curse me, let's get together and do a little cursing.

Piper: Kiss this bitch.

Phoebe: I mean, you're not even showing yet... except for your boobies.

Piper: I'm telling you, they are large and they are definitely in charge.

Phoebe: I mean, between you and Leo, and Prue, the new Hot Wicca Woman, and me, soon to be employed, things are looking up.

Piper: Don't say that. The moment someone says that, everything always goes south.

Phoebe: Unless you freeze him. Oh, I couldn't help it. It was so good.

Prue: Okay, okay, come on, we're going, you're going to borrow the car.

[Leo comes down the stairs]

Leo: Good morning.

Phoebe: Yeah, we heard.

Piper: Paige. Is everything okay?

Paige: Better than okay. I'm going to have a love life.

Phoebe: You're making a love potion?

Paige: No, I'm making a stun potion.

Piper: So that lovers will be stunned by you?

Paige: No, so that Kazis will be stunned by me.

Phoebe: You're in love with a Kazi demon?

Paige: Try to stay with me, people.

[Phoebe was just turned into a pumpkin. Adam walks over to the pumpkin and picks it up. He raises it above his head. Cole walks out]

Cole: Put it down. Gently.

Adam: I can't. The witch'll kill me.

Cole: So will I. You don't wanna hurt her. (Adam throws the pumpkin and Cole freezes it. He walks over and picks it up.) Oh, what am I gonna do with you? (He unfreezes Adam and punches him in the face.) Keep your hands off my pumpkin!

Phoebe: So, we get to go back there? And we get to meet our grandfather?

Grams: Don't make too much out of it, because whatever you do, you can't change the past or tell anyone you're from the future.

Phoebe: [Indicates Chris] Well, why does he get to?

Chris: Because I know what I'm doing.

Grams: Not from where I'm standing.

Piper: How can you be so evil?

Cole: It's a gift.

Leo Wyatt: [to Wyatt, right after Grams has left the room] Now you know why we don't summon her more often.

Piper: I'm not pregnant. Trust me.

Prue: Well, that's good news.

Phoebe: Are you kidding? That's great news. You can live.

Darryl: Oh, no creepy talk in the precinct. Will you just keep down the creepy talk.

Prue: Great, so some guy couldn't keep it in his sheath and now I'm marked for death.

Piper: Well, some men can be very sensitive about their weapons.

Phoebe: No time to dawdle, there's a baby on the way.

Leo: This is crazy. You can't leave like this.

Paige: We, very well can't ignore Chris's birth now can we?

Chris: I'm the baby. I give you permission to.

Piper: Phoebe, how many times have I told you not to play dress-up with the demons?

Darryl: Okay, where is this baby that everybody keeps talking about? Is it an invisible baby? Am I gonna step on it?

Paige: You used to be a demon *and* a lawyer?

Cole: Yeah.

Paige: Insert joke here.

Cole: [Cole and Leo went to the Underworld without telling the Charmed ones] Ok, I know you're angry, but before you say anything, we found out that the faction is led by a Warlock named Devlin.

Phoebe: Hmmm... he looked more like a Joe to me.

Leo: Why am I standing in the ocean?

Piper: Phoebe's a mermaid.

Leo: Oh, well, that would explain it.

Leo: [referring to Paige's scant attire] Uh, Paige, where did you orb in from?

Paige: I was dealing with some personal issues.

Leo: Well, I'm your whitelighter so if you ever want to talk...

PaigePiper: No.

[Piper and Leo are down behind the bar. Piper giggles. Piper's cell phone rings and she pops up, out of breath to answer it]

Piper: Hello?

Phoebe: Hey, did you make the potion?

Piper: Potion? P-P-Paige is making the potion.

[Leo pops up beside Piper and starts kissing her neck]

Piper: And I have ten glorious minutes then I have to have my herbs.

Phoebe: Great, because I need your help fast. Karen's gonna get fired unless we get her advice column in by 8:00 tonight.

Piper: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: So what would tell a twenty-eight year old woman who's still living in her parents house because she's afraid of living alone?

Piper: I'd tell her to get a life.

Phoebe: How can I write that? We fight demons every day. How can I tell her that there's nothing to be afraid of, you know? (Piper makes a noise as Leo disappears behind the bar again, smiling.) What are you doing, Piper?

Piper: I am taking my own advice.

Phoebe: Eww.

Piper: Be careful of the feet you step on, they may be connected to the boot that kicks your ass.

[Piper and Leo stand over Wyatt's crib looking down at him]

Piper: He's so... innocent. If only he had any idea what Mommy and Auntie Paige did today.

Leo: [to Wyatt] They turned a very bad man to a very big tree.

Phoebe: Piper, just so you know, I may have to flee the country, but just for a little while. And I will call you, okay.

Piper: Oh, no you don't, Missy. There will be no fleeing the country until you clean up after yourself.

Phoebe: No-no-no-no-no, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm possessed.

Piper: That is not an excuse!

Paige: Stop yelling at death!

Piper: Paige! There will be no talk of testicle-orbing in front of the baby!

Leo: Or his father.

Piper: I just wish I could get a live guy.

Andy: Everything happens for a reason, remember, you told me that, Prue.

Phoebe: Come on, you don't think we'll be 60 and still living together, sharing clothes and a cat.

Piper: Well now that you put it that way, no, I don't want to live with you anymore.

Piper: So why is Sir Lust-A-Lot after you?

Paige: How should I know?

Piper: Well, because it's your damn fairy tale and it's alive and frozen in our kitchen.

Piper: Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm pushing it too far with the wedding?

Prue: Okay, why is Phoebe going to school without her books?

Piper: Okay, why is Prue not answering Piper's question?

Piper: Don't act blonde.

Leo: Piper, he's gonna kill me when he finds out.

Piper: Don't be ridiculous, you're already dead.

Phoebe: *Hey*! Don't call me sweetie! You can't imprison someone and then call them sweetie!

Lazarus Demon: Go to hell!

Piper: I'm already there!

Leo Wyatt: Look, Piper, no matter what happens...

Piper: No...

Leo Wyatt: You have to keep trying to make contact.

Piper: I don't want him to hear it...

Leo Wyatt: He's not after you, he's after me.

Piper: Would you please stop trying to save me!

Leo Wyatt: I'm sorry I got you into this.

Piper: [crying] Yeah, just one ordeal after another, right?

Leo Wyatt: I've never stopped loving you.

[her eyes welling up with tears, Piper's resistance finally melts and she leans in to kiss Leo]

Paige: Power. Power's good. I like power. Why do I like power?

Piper: I dreamt an animated musical last night. Is that normal?

Phoebe: 28 minutes, 33 seconds.

[Piper looks at her]

Piper: Really? We ran that long?

Phoebe: No, that's how long you've been comparing Leo and Dan.

Piper: I haven't been comparing - I've just been... talking.

Phoebe: Non-stop.

Paige: Is there something that we don't know... that we should know... you know?

Phoebe: Piper.

Piper: Don't you "Piper" me.

Head Dwarf: When's her prince getting here?

Piper: She doesn't have a prince.

Head Dwarf: No prince? So then who's going to kiss her?

Stinky: I'll do it.

Dwarf: In your dreams stinky. I'll do it.

Stinky: I told you not to call me that.

Head Dwarf: People. A little professional decorum here please.

[to Piper]

Head Dwarf: Forgive them, it's been a while.

Piper: Oh, you know what? She's getting angry. And our powers don't work so good when we're angry.

Mitzy Stillman: We've got them now.

Piper: Yeah, you've got us now so why don't you blow us up?

Phoebe: Piper, death bad, life good.

Paige: Don't worry, this bimbo couldn't hit the broadside of a beauty parlour. Check out that dye job.

[the blonde sisters gasp]

Mabel Stillman: How dare you!

[Mabel blows up the doors]

Piper: Run!

Prue: Oh, I think someone needs a time out little missy.

Piper: It was all of those women showing off their sonogram pictures, and it was just working on my last nerve. Like, "Look, it's Jasper's first photo. And it's going to go on the fridge in a magnetic frame that says 'Jasper's First Photo'."

Leo: Okay, I thought prenatal yoga was supposed to help you relax.

Prue: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Piper: I'm going to be a very good witch from now on.

Phoebe: I think I found the demon. Oh my god...

Paige: What? You can't say "demons" followed by "oh my god" - I'm new at this, I'm likely to panic.

Demon Of Illusion: Silly Witches. Tricks Are For Kids.

Phoebe: Can you do anything about this thunder? 'Cause it's making me nuts.

The Seer: I have no sway over the weather. I do have a friend who works with the wind, but she's out of town.

Piper: Oh, no, don't tell me we got infected with the sin thingy.

Leo: Hey, I'm not nauseous.

Piper: Hey, I am. Wait, that's not good news.

Cole: Did you get my flowers?

Phoebe: Yeah. "Sorry I tried to strangle you" Probably not a card the florist gets to write everyday.

Leo: It's your love that keeps me sane and whole and balanced

Leo: P3's still doing great.

Piper: Not as great as it used to be, thanks to me.

Leo: Well, Piper, you're having a baby. Your priorities have changed.

Piper: Yeah, well, haven't you heard? Women can have careers and babies now. It's been in all the papers.

Leo: Well, are those women trying to save the world from demons too?

Craig: Who are you?

Paige: Witch.

Leo: Angel.

Phoebe: Mermaid.

Darryl: [in the midst of being shot at] This is the last time I come to this place for lunch.

Phoebe: Good people do not turn other people into water coolers.

Piper: Every other mother-to-be does not have to worry about her child orbing to Tahiti when they are sent to their room.

Phoebe: [about Paige] Dead? What do you mean she's dead?

Leo: Don't worry. The dwarves are all over it.

Phoebe: The dwarves?

Leo: Piper cast a spell that wound up summoning the descendents of the seven dwarves. Actually, they prefer to be called little people now.

Piper: Wow, prenatal yoga this morning and now you want to crash a stranger's funeral? You really do need friends.

Paige: You're mean.

Leo: How about I buy you a drink?

Dave: Thanks. I've all ready got one.

Leo: That's not gonna be enough.

Piper: Apparently the baby here prefers Mommy to be indestructible.

[Prue has just changed back from being a dog. Piper is scratching Prue's head]

Prue: What are you doing?

Piper: I think you've got fleas.

Prue: You know what? That's so not funny because I think I do.

Piper: Mm-hmm. Your destiny still awaits, she says. There's a reason for everything she says. So, now it's time to summon her transparent butt back and ask exactly what that reason is.

Phoebe: What's the celebration?

Paige: I'm just so happy to be home, that's all.

Piper: You wanted to move out.

Paige: I did? God, no. Never. Well, I mean, you know, maybe when I'm married or pregnant or... hopefully both at the same time. We're sisters. We shouldn't split up until we absolutely have to. You know that, right?

Piper: She's rambling.

Phoebe: I hear that.

Witch Doctor: It's only a matter of time before they destroy themselves.

Paige: Talk about premature jubilation. You, gentlemen might want to see a doctor about that.

Piper: Cole, if you don't get me the hell outta here right now...

Cole: You're the one that didn't want me to go easy on you.

Piper: Doesn't mean I wanted you to. Now get me out the damned wall.

Piper: Phoebe, you're overreacting. That's my department.

Phoebe: Okay we theme, you potion.

Piper: Me peeved, you annoying.

Piper: Phoebs, friendly little tip. Lay off the hairspray, there's a fire starter in the house.

Piper: Yeah, but this demon didn't even seem to know who we were, which by the way I find insulting.

Phoebe: It's just research for that stupid article Jason made me do.

Piper: Ah, you said his name without swearing. Does that mean things are going better at work?

Phoebe: Oh, no. He's still driving me crazy.

Piper: Didn't he just give you a raise?

Phoebe: Yeah, but that was just a bribe so I wouldn't quit.

Piper: Ah, a woman of principles. I admire that.

Paige: We kick evil's ass every day.

Piper: Sometimes twice a day.

Leo Wyatt: What is that? Is that a time portal? Is that what that is? What are you using it for?

Chris Perry: I don't have to answer that.

Leo Wyatt: I thought you said you had nothing to hide.

Chris Perry: I don't have to answer that either.

[Prue, Piper and Phoebe have been outed on national TV and are receiving interview requests up the wazoo]

Piper: So, what do you think? Should we go with Oprah, or Barbra? Barbra makes you cry. We go with Oprah.

Chris: Where is Paige?

Phoebe: She's at her new temp job.

Chris: She's still on that kick?

Piper: It's not a kick, Chris. It's her quest for happiness outside of magic.

Chris: Yeah, but it's a temp job. Who finds happiness in a temp job?

Piper: Oh, you know what? She's getting angry. And our powers don't work so good when we're angry.

Mitzy: We've got them now.

Piper: Yeah, you've got us now so why don't you blow us up?

Phoebe: Piper, death bad, life good.

Paige: Don't worry, this bimbo couldn't hit the broadside of a beauty parlour. Check out that dye job.

[the blonde sisters gasp]

Mabel: How dare you!

[Mabel blows up the doors]

Piper: Run!

Phoebe: I was under a spell. Evil.

Paige: Evil? You were blonde!

Phoebe: [to Spencer Ricks] You know what? You're a turkey! And turkeys don't write columns.

[she throws the potion at Spencer and he turns into a turkey]

Phoebe: But they do make delicious dinners!

[Piper and Leo hear a turkey gobble and look to see Phoebe getting out of her car carrying the turkey]

Phoebe: A little help here.

Piper: What are you doing with that thing?

Phoebe: Well, first I'm gonna kill it and then I'm gonna stuff it.

Piper: You are not bringing that filthy fowl in the house.

Phoebe: Yes, I am. Thanksgiving's early this year.

Phoebe: Are you making spaghetti sauce?

Piper: No, that's demon blood.

Piper: Oh, no! Am I dead again?

Phoebe: The wrong thing done for the right reason is still the wrong thing.

Piper: What's that?

Leo: That's our little boy.

Piper: Are you going to help or are you just going to ramble?

Paige: I'm just going to ramble!

Paige: Call me butter, 'cause I'm on a roll.

Angel of Destiny: We Angels of Destiny only intervene in extreme circumstances.

Angel of Destiny: [slightly excited] Mozart age 7, Michelangelo, Albert Einstein

Angel of Destiny: [Disappointed] ... Britney Spears

Drake Robin: Don't worry, love will conquer all!

[after watching Piper freeze a cop]

Phoebe: What a cool power, I hate her.

Leo: [talking about making a costume for Wyatt's school play] You wanted a normal life, remember?

Piper: [at the book, willing to conjure a costume] Look, that was before I realized our son was going to be humiliated in front of his entire class!

Billie Jenkins: Happened to me all the time. Only made me stronger.

Piper: And shut it!

Piper: Darryl, I'm sorry, but what do you want me to say? My sister was just possessed with a supernaturally born killer and my husband is in 1994, and I do not mean in the fashion sense. He time traveled back with my other sister so the only one left to help me is you.

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Prue: I mean, well, you are a warlock magnet.

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Piper: Leo, you're a nice guy, and I like you a lot, but let's face it, you're geographically undesirable.

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Phoebe: I'll do what I should've done a while ago which is vanquish your sorry ass.

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Phoebe: I hope this doesn't mean we get our *virginity* back too.

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Paige: Well, you wanted to live like us. Now you get to die like us.

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Cole: Phoebe, I love you. I don't know what's going on but maybe I can help. Would you like me to kill someone for you?

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Paige: [walks in on Phoebe standing naked, standing up in the bathtub] Whoa... full frontal Phoebe!

Cole: She flashed.

Paige: Yeah... I - I got that.

Cole: No, I mean she flashed black-and-white.

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Leo: Phoebe, you cant be the Queen of the Underworld and a charmed one!

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Piper: I didn't need a sign to tell me where my heart lies.

[smiles at Leo]

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Leo Wyatt: Now that I'm a mortal, I'm going to fight for you and let the best man win.

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Piper: You don't really seem like yourself.

Paige: I don't? Then, who am I?

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Paige: So how exactly do I bless this thing?

Phoebe: With your blood. Come on.

[takes Paige into the dining room and holds up a needle]

Phoebe: This'll just hurt a little.

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Witch Doctor: You sure these are good witches that live here?

Leo: The best. Although one of them is going to go very evil on us if we don't get this room cleaned up in a hurry. Believe me.

Witch Doctor: Is that a fact?

Leo: Well, not literally.

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Cole: You've got to hold my hand.

Prue: This already sucks.

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Prue: Innocents and alleys, don't they ever learn?

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Phoebe: You have really got to lay off the rhyming, Prue

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Cole: Why would I ever not want to talk to you?

Phoebe: I don't know, you know, just in case you thought I was a drunk or a lunatic, or a drunk lunatic.

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Prue: I hate to be the detail police.

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Leo: I hate to be a bearer of bad news.

Piper: Could you possibly be the bearer of a big hug?

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Phoebe: Wanna take a wiccan time out and do the crossword puzzle?

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Phoebe: Anyone got a vanquish in their pocket

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Phoebe: We could sure use some cosmic help right about now.

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Paige: I like an element of danger.

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Phoebe: Got milk? Oooh, don't think so.

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Piper: I'm gonna be happy when I vanquish your sorry ass.

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Piper: Phoebe's pregnant.

Leo: What, huh, really?

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Grams: Piper blew up the wolf from inside. Although it took her long enough.

Piper: Hey, back off Grams, I just saved your ass.

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Paige: What just happened?

Piper: The freaking furniture just attacked us.

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Leo: Give daddy back his powers now.

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Phoebe: Will your friends be staying for dinner?

Cole: I'm going to have a hard enough time convincing them to stay 'til the end of the meeting if you don't stop threatening to kill them.

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[Piper's morning sickness is causing her to burp small orbs of white light]

Paige: [to Leo] Okay, is that normal?

Leo: All this arguing is probably just upsetting the baby.

Piper: [indicating size with her hands] Leo, the baby is an inch long. All this arguing is upsetting the mommy.

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Piper: I think my half whitelighter baby thought fireworks would be prettier than demon guts.

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Cole: [the Charmed ones are being inspired by a muse] I think Leo should orb me down to the Underworld. I may not be a demon anymore, but I still know the terrain.

Phoebe: And you may just find yourself in ever-lasting pain!

Paige: ...That was a rhyme.

Phoebe: I know; and now is not the time.

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Drake Robin: [referring to troll in classroom] Ah... you do not want to go in there.

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Phoebe: Drake? Are you okay?

Drake Robin: Drake? Who's Drake? I'm Robin Hood... of Nottingham.

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Piper: Who would shoot a gnome? And why is the 'g' silent?

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Phoebe: Lawyers! There should be a place in Hell for each and every one of them!

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Leo: You know, you're a pretty good whitelighter.

Paige: Well, I learned from the best.

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Paige: Well, I was sort of messing around with Dave...

Piper: Messing around?

Paige: Yeah, having sex.

Piper: Oh.

Paige: See, that's why I don't want to talk to you about this. It's weird talking to a pregnant lady about sex anyway.

Piper: Well, Paige, how do you think I got pregnant?

Paige: Ugh, I don't want to know that either.

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Paige: Do you think you could shift the gears? My boobs are in the way.

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Phoebe: Ready to kick some ass... sis?

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Phoebe: I can't believe you guys didn't notice my billboards downtown.

Piper: Oh, honey, of course we noticed. You can see them from a passing 747.

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Piper: [to Paige] Geez, you're like my husband with boobs.

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Leo: Because nobody knows where it is. Its location has been kept secret even from the Elders.

Paige: Where was their infinite wisdom on the day that was decided?

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Piper: Leo, I have growing powers inside of me. Powers that I don't understand, and the only person who does understand them never has time to talk. Add that to raging hormones and I guarantee you I am absolutely entitled to do the 'crying thing'.

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Leo: Yeah, that little elf? Got a big mouth.

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Leo: Ladies, death cannot be feared. For death, in time, comes to all witches. You know, the witch who says she's not scared in battle is a liar. The real witch is the one who fights.

Piper: Honey?

Leo: Yeah?

Piper: Zip it.

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Leo: As your whitelighter, I'd say go with your instincts.

Paige: Okay.

Leo: But as your brother-in-law, going up against your sisters would be pure suicide.

Paige: Great. You've really helped clarify this issue.

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Paige: All of them had their eyes gouged out.

Piper: Ew.

Leo: Now the video doesn't seem so gruesome.

Piper: Ha. Speak for yourself.

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Paige: So I basically come off as this big, dumb, fat, unemployed loser.

Piper: No, Paige, you're a big, dumb, fat, unemployed loser who saves the world.

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Paige: We are not slobs.

Piper: Oh, really? How come I spent all night cleaning potion stains off of the ceiling?

Paige: That's gazpacho, not potion.

Piper: Well, you know what? Blenders have lids.

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Paige: Oh, gross. What are you guys watching? Is that some horror movie?

Piper: No, it's The Joys of Home Birthing. Strangely I'm not feeling the joy.

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Paige: Oh, the Elders don't know anything. What a shock.

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Phoebe: Okay, something really freaky happened last night when I was with Miles.

Piper: You guys are all ready getting freaky?

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Piper: You knew about this supernatural Jenny Jones reunion, didn't you?

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Piper: So your new-and-improved premonitions are just a more vivid way of telling us we're screwed?

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Piper: Everyone's treating me so differently. I'm still me. There's just a whole lot more of me going on.

[Paige walks into the attic]

Paige: Hey, guys. Oh, I'm sorry. Were you ranting?

Piper: Yes, I was, but I'm done now. Thank you.

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Piper: I didn't have to resort to maternity clothes. Everything is so bright and cheery and ruffly.

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Paige: I can understand wanting to take a break from guys but, come on... she's gonna run out the batteries.

Piper: Aw, Paige.

Paige: What?

[Paige's cell phone rings]

Paige: Hello? Oh, hey, Phoebe. We were just talking about you.

Piper: And your batteries.

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Phoebe: AT&T, Power of Three.

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Phoebe: No I can still cast spells and do the power of three thing. Whatever the problem is it seems more natural than supernatural.

Leo: Phoebe why didn't you come to me, I'm your Whitelighter.

Phoebe: Because you've been busy.

Leo: I've been busy?

Phoebe: Well I've been busy. My work schedule has been really hectic. But I'm coming to you guys now.

Leo: Ok you guys yell at her, and I'm gonna check with the Elders and see what they know.

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Piper: Are you out of your mind, AGAIN?

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Paige: I can't believe I destroyed the house.

Phoebe: What I can't believe is what you almost saw in the hotel room. If you had gotten there five minutes earlier...

Piper: Lalala. Over sharing.

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Phoebe: I don't get it. If our ancient compilation of spells, witchcraft and rituals can't help us, what makes you think Martha Stewart can?

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Prue: Yeah, well, rules are meant to be broken.

Phoebe: Yeah, but bodies weren't.

Piper: And neither were hearts.

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Grams: You need guidance, some advice on a certain sister situation. Am I getting warm?

Phoebe: Red hot. But wait a minute, if you know, that means that they know, and if they know then we are f...

Grams: Fine.

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Paige: [speaking to Piper in an alternate reality] And you, you're not La Femme Nikita, you're a Charmed One. Yeah, you don't mind kicking ass when you have to, but otherwise you'd rather be hanging out with your sisters, baking cookies, or knitting booties.

Piper: Knitting booties? Clearly you don't know me at all.

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Paige: Well guys, we better come up with a plan, because Lord Dyson is out there, getting stronger as we speak.

Phoebe: Thanks to Piper...

Piper: ALLRIGHT!

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Paige: We're preparing for the big home birth.

Piper: Home birth? You're nuts. I'd never agree to that. I wouldn't give birth unless it was in...

Paige: A hospital. Yeah, yeah, you keep saying the same thing in any reality.

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Paige: [about Cole] I'm telling you, he's gone for good.

Phoebe: Yeah... that's what we thought last time.

Piper: And the time before that.

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Phoebe: What about water birth? Can we do that at home?

Eve: Sure, we can rent a tub.

Piper: What am I a dolphin? I'm not giving birth to fish.

Leo: Well, actually, dolphins aren't fish. They're mammals.

Piper: Shut up.

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[a witch doctor has put a hex on Piper, Paige and Phoebe; causing their character flaws to become obsessions]

Phoebe: What are those?

Piper: Slipcovers. To keep the furniture clean. Although I've come to the conclusion we should probably just stand from now on.

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Leo: Witch doctors are kind of a wild card. That's why the elders don't want us working with them.

Piper: Well, sometimes we don't want to work with the elders. So we're even.

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[Witch doctor appears dressed in a suit]

Witch Doctor: How may I be of service?

Paige: Are you a witch doctor?

Witch Doctor: Let me guess. You were expecting someone with a bone through the nose and shrunken head necklace, perhaps?

Phoebe: Yeah, actually. Yeah. Yeah.

[Paige nods in agreement]

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Piper: Look, if there's anything I've learned from all this it's that I've got to learn to deal with messes. Especially with the baby coming, 'cause I hear they come with a lot of messes.

Paige: I've heard some things about that, too. Yeah.

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Paige: How do you like my outfit?

Piper: You look like you're not going to help clean up.

Paige: You've got that right. I'm gonna go meet Glen. And besides, isn't everything just gonna get messed up again anyway?

Piper: Bite your tongue.

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Leo: Piper, I need you to help me find Paige.

Piper: I'm not talking to her until she cleans up her room.

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Paige: He met some bimbette while climbing the Matterhorn.

Piper: At Disneyland?

Paige: No, Switzerland.

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Leo: The spell, Piper, you need to reverse it. Fast.

Piper: I'm not sure I can.

Paige: Then you'd better make us disappear 'cause this one's gonna be tough to explain.

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Phoebe: [about possessed shoes] Cole, these boots may be made for walkin, but they're NEVER walkin' back to you buddy.

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Piper: Where's my baby?

Leo: Over here.

[Leo stands up to reveal that he's now seven months pregnant]

Paige: Oh, my God.

Piper: Oh, my God.

[Leo sees Ryder trying to nuzzle his wife's neck]

Leo: Oh, my God!

[Phoebe screams in the attic]

Slappy: Oh, that doesn't sound good.

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Paige: [about the Sandman] I can't believe that they exist... not that I should be surprised.

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Paige: Besides, everyone is odd in San Francisco. That's why we fit in so well.

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Piper: I mean, why would a demon be interested in killing people's dreams? They're harmless, erotic fun.

Paige: Did you say 'erotic'?

Piper: Exotic. I said exotic.

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Paige: If you want to talk to Piper, she's in the room throwing up.

Phoebe: What, is she sick?

Paige: She's pregnant Phoebe, sickness is their way of life.

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Piper: So what you're saying is, that whatever you're keeping from me is enough to piss me off but not put me in any danger. At the moment.

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Phoebe: Go to hell.

Cole: We're already here.

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Leo: Did you find out anything?

Phoebe: Besides having a twenty-four hour death wish? Nope.

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Cole: I'm goin' straight to hell cause it's got to be a sin to look THIS good.

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Phoebe: I need your help.

Cole: You've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

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Phoebe: Okay, Piper. As much as we would love to hear about your man problems, we have a possible demon to vanquish.

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Piper: Yeah, like that doesn't have personal gain tattooed across its forehead.

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Leo: Ok, ok, ok, just relax.

Piper: That's what I was trying to do and then somebody made me blow up my guru.

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Leo: Where's Melody?

Paige: Oh, she's gone.

Leo: Gone, as in she left?

Piper: Gone as in she got sucked in to a big red ring by a warlock named what was it?

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Piper: Now she's Martha Stewart.

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Piper: All right, that's it. Break it up. You go back to your corner and you, you're gonna get ready and we're gonna put lots and lots of makeup on you.

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Piper: Uh, Phoebe, you're evil. You're like the queen of all evil, literally.

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Piper: That's what they do, Phoebe, they come back. They snarl and come back.

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Leo: Well, I know from experience Darklighter poison doesn't kill immediately, so there's still a window of opportunity.

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Piper: Aww I was such a cute baby.

Leo: Yea I know.

Piper: Leo, you're not even looking at the picture.

Leo: Well I've been watching you you're whole life.

Piper: Yea ok that's too creepy to think about.

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Piper: So, here's the deal. We'll spare your lives if you pull your skanky little power out of her.

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Leo: Well, what if he makes his move before you get a chance to vanquish him?

Piper: I'll freeze him.

Leo: Now you're confident in your powers?

Piper: Okay, so maybe I'll blow him up.

[They walk into the conservatory]

Leo: But what if he blows us up first?

Piper: Well, you're already dead, what's the difference.

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Piper: He swears they're not watching but he's a guy, he'll say anything.

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Piper: Oh. You're assuming because I'm not tall, tattooed, or big-breasted that I'm not important. That's a bad assumption because I own this club, which makes me a V.V.V.I.P."

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Piper: Bad Prue. Very bad Prue.

[Prue growls]

Piper: Hi, Kujo, who you growling at?

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Piper: You stole our sacred book so you could perform magical plastic surgery on yourself?

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Piper: Pheobe, why would you even leave her alone with it?

Phoebe: Well, because she's our sister.

[Piper Laughs]

Piper: Not for long.

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Piper: Heads up. Pregnant lady coming through with the groceries.

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Piper: Don't worry for I hold the power of... one.

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Piper: Ugh. That tastes like ass... phalt.

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Phoebe: It'll be just like the summer by the lake. Remember when we made that blood oath to be friends forever, not just sisters?

Piper: I remember my finger got infected.

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Phoebe: Sorry, had to grab my broom.

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Phoebe: You came all the way over here for me, I mean we, I mean us?

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Prue: I came, I saw, I was perky.

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Prue: Hey, be nice. I don't even want to think about sin tonight.

Phoebe: Me neither.

Prue: So, this is an interesting band, what's their name?

Piper: Orgy.

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Prue: Here's to Leo for saving me from eternal torment.

Piper: And to me for not trying to be the perfect couple, if it isn't good enough for them, then screw them.

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Piper: Look, I know I didn't call to confirm, but I was busy creating life, okay?

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Paige: My sweater shrunk.

Piper: Ah, come on. You've worn tighter things than that.

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Tull: Xavier? Where are you?

Piper: You're stepping on him.

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Paige: [about Leo] She's blown him up... literally?

Phoebe: Yeah, but you know Piper, she didn't mean anything by it.

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Phoebe: I think I did something really bad... I slept with my boss.

Piper: Jason?

Phoebe: No, Elise! Yes, Jason!

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Leo: Being with her broke the rules. Not being with her breaks my heart.

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Prue: Leo you can't just let Piper die.

Leo: Don't you think I would do something about it if I could?

Prue: But you love her.

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Phoebe: It's not every day you find out the person you love isn't human, except in Piper's case.

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Phoebe: Stop hinting around and let him have your crab already.

Piper: Don't be disgusting.

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Phoebe: [Prue telekinetically shuts the door on Phoebe] Hey! We've had this discussion. You're not allowed to use your active power on me, until I have an active power to use on you.

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[upon meeting Grams for the first time]

Paige: No offense, but aren't you supposed to be dead?

Grams: Oh, I'm over that.

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[Paige has just been revived after eating Snow White's poison apple]

Paige: Can someone please tell me how I got in a coffin?

Grams: You were dead, dear. But bright side, at least now we have something in common.

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Dan Gordon: Don't you have another house to repair?

Leo Wyatt: No.

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[to Leo]

Piper: [smiling] I'll just go make you some more coffee.

Phoebe: [grinning] And I'll bring it to you.

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Phoebe: I just want to know, am I in for another cold shower or not?

Piper: [worried that she may be pregnant] You know Phoebe, there are times in our lives where a cold shower is a good thing.

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Leo Wyatt: I have to get back to the elders

Phoebe: Well Chris is a whitelighter, can't he do it?

Piper: Where is he?

Phoebe: Upstairs with Paige.

Piper: And the book. Leo, go talk to the Elders, Pheobe keep an eye on our magical houseguests, I'm gonna go see what future boy is up to.

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Piper: What are you doing?

Chris Perry: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to find a way to free stone cold Paige over there

Piper: Step away from the book.

Chris Perry: Oh, please. Like I haven't looked in this thing before? By the way, you should update you're goblins entry. It'll come in handy someday.

Piper: Goblins?

Chris Perry: Yeah. It's gonna get ugly. Trust me. Look, I know you have no reason to trust me, but the book thinks I'm good, shouldn't you?

Piper: Well, maybe you found a way around it.

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Head Dwarf: You know, you really ought to get yourself a prince, in case this ever happens again.

Paige: Uh, who are you?

Head Dwarf: We'll send you the bill. Let's go, men!

Dwarf: Come on, guys, let's go.

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Grams: You and Paige moved out? When?

Phoebe: Uh, a few weeks ago. But we're handling everything.

Grams: Dear, you have Paige stuck in the past and a demonic blob roaming the manor. Exactly how are you handling things?

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[Green blob is growing rapidly on Chris, trapping him]

Grams: Oh, you must be Chris, the new whitelighter.

[aside, to Leo]

Grams: You know, he doesn't look very qualified for the job.

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Chris: In the future, everyone tried to control the demon with no name, but it can't be done.

Grams: That's hardly a winning attitude, young man. And why, in heaven's name, couldn't the people in the future find some name for that thing?

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Piper: Wow, you really know your stuff.

Paige: Well, I learned from the best. I learned from you.

Piper: Thank you, Whitney Houston. Do I sock you in the face now?

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Phoebe: We're not demon hunting. We're going to lunch.

Chris: Hey. I am not unreasonable. You can hunt demons after lunch.

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Leo: What are you doing?

Piper: I'm replacing the roof. It was just too dirty.

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Paige: Oh my goodness. I tongued a student.

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Piper: See what I mean? We have bigger, naked breasts to worry about.

Phoebe: Paige has her naked breasts to worry about and I've got yours.

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Prue: Cop, witch. It's not a love connection.

Phoebe: Boy, girl. Lighten up.

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Kazi King: How will we know if it worked?

The Crone: Common sense.

Kazi King: [obviously enraged] Dare you mock me, Crone?

The Crone: On occasion.

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Phoebe: [referring to Zankou who now has the Book of Shadows] What do you think he wants?

Paige: [laughs] Our heads on a platter.

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Piper: Wasn't there a confidence spell in the book?

Phoebe: Yeah, remember we cast it on that waiter at Quake?

Piper: Wow. Quake. That was a long time ago.

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Paige: They're dicks.

Kyle Brody: [chuckles] Dicks.

Paige: No, like private eyes. Detectives. Don't you see? They wrote themselves in as the heroes of their own books. Like Sam Spade or Philip Marlowe.

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Piper: What are we gonna do?

Leo: What we always do.

Piper: Talk about it later.

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Leo: Dammit!

Paige: Are Elders even allowed to swear?

Leo: No, but fathers are.

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Strife: [two of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are fighting] Yeah, right, kill them all, that's your solution for everything.

Death: You want a fight?

Strife: [smiles] It's my specialty.

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Cole: [to Phoebe] We're hardly typical. I proposed to you under a hail of demon goo, and you accepted while I was bleeding to death.

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Prue: Where's Piper?

Leo: Upstairs, recovering from what happened at the office.

Prue: Why? What happened?

Leo: She... sort of... blew some of it up.

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Cole: [knocking is heard, and Cole appears in the manor; Phoebe gives him a look] What? I... I knocked.

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Phoebe: [about Cole] He's soul-searching... or off searching for a soul.

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Bacarra: I'm Bacarra, I've come here from the future.

Cole: ...Well, I can't say I've heard that before.

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Tracer Demon: [after seeing that Phoebe has stabbed her nightmare creature, and thereby also hurt herself] Would Freud have a field day with this or what?

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Jason Dean: [inviting Phoebe to dinner] Do you like Chinese?

[Phoebe pauses for a second]

Jason Dean: Food, not people.

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Piper: I think I know how to find the demon...

[a stranger gives her a look]

Piper: -stration. Demonstration.

[indicates Paige]

Piper: She knows what I'm talking about.

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Paige: [after getting stuck on the wall by a spider-demon] Bug spray. We should've used bug spray.

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Drake Robin: The point is, Leo and Piper's love, it's epic, it's massive. It's Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra, Brad and Jennifer.

Paige: All tragedies, I might add.

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[after Leo telling her he might not be around when the boys are older]

Piper: Is that why you didn't want to go around the world in 80 orbs?

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Paige: You call that a rah, rah speech? You are supposed to be cheering her up, not pushing her off the edge!

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Piper: I don't need to take a deep breath! I need to find my husband!

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Piper: I thought ghosts could go anywhere they wanted!

Cole: You are not a ghost, you are inbetween.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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