Merkin: Hey, Merkin ain't jerkin', he's workin'.
Josie Geller: I'm not Josie Grossie anymore!
Josie Geller: That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.
Cynthia: Damn girl... you are a writer.
Sam: All I can tell you is that when you're my age, guys will be lined up around the corner for you.
Josie Geller: You have to say that because you're my teacher.
Sam: Actually, I shouldn't say that because I'm your teacher.
Rob Geller: Wow, that was just like "Carrie"! I thought she was gonna kill us all.
Rob Geller: All you need is for one person to think you're cool, and you're in. Everyone else will be scared to question it.
Rob Geller: I can recognize a cry for help when I see one.
Josie Geller: Hear one.
Rob Geller: Whatever.
Gibby Zerefski: What is the one thing that could ruin my senior prom?
Kristin Davis: That you would trip on your Barbie heels and I'd be named prom queen... Did I just say that out loud?
Merkin: I'm just a little tense. This whole office is not Feng Shui. All the desks are facing evil.
Josie Geller: Rob, your not going to believe it, I made friends with a whole table of rastafari. Not just one, a whole table... You know what's a weird word? Fork. Oh my God, someone ate my entire pie! I don't know how that happened!
P.E. Teacher: Now you are gonna complete these sprints, because if you don't, you fail. And if you fail gym, you'll never get into college.
Josie Geller: You guys are still telling that lie?
Guy Perkins: Hi, I'm Guy.
Josie Geller: Yes, you are a guy. Quite a guy. Oh my. Hey, that rhymes! Yikes. Bikes!
Guy Perkins: Are you in special-ed? I mean, are you?
Kristin Davis: A Geek?
Gibby Zerefski: You totally just said that out load.
Josie Geller: That'll teach me to wear white jeans after labor day.
Gibby Zerefski: I don't think you're supposed to wear white jeans after 1983.
Rob Geller: I'm the coleslaw king of the world!
Rob Geller: See ya around the Cell Block, Mrs. Robinson.
Josie Geller: Hey, Guy, guys, Guy's guys!
Josie Geller: Let me tell you something, I don't care about being your stupid prom queen. I'm 25 years old. I'm an undercover reporter for the Chicago Sun Times and I've been beating my brains out trying to impress you people. Let me tell you something Gibby, Kirsten, Kristin, you will spend your lives trying to keep others down because it makes you feel more important. Why her? Let me tell you about this girl she is unbelievable. I was new here and she befriended me no questions asked. But you, you were only my friend after my brother, Rob, posed as a student and told you to like me. All of you people, there is a big world out there... bigger than prom, bigger than high school and it won't matter if you were the prom queen, the quarterback of the football team, or the biggest nerd in school. Find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it.
Gibby Zerefski: You totally ripped off my Malibu Barbie idea!
Kirsten Liosis: Nuh-uh, I'm Disco Barbie!
[Kirsten does a funky dance move]
Kristin Davis: And I'm Evening Wear Barbie.
[Kristin flips her hair]
[a new prom theme is needed]
Guy Perkins: All right, all right. Josie.
Sera: That's not a theme!
Guy Perkins: Thank you... No, Josie will have the answer.
Guy Perkins: You're not seriously trying to hang out with us at the court, are you Alpo?
Aldys: Ooh, cheap wine coolers and a fire in a trash can.
Aldys: Where do I sign up?
[faking "Valley Girl" accent]
Aldys: Oh my God, like, there goes another lemming!
Anita Olesky: Sex can be fun... when you're old enough, which none of you are. I should know. When you lose it to some guy named Junior with bad breath in the back of a van at a Guns N' Roses concert, you're gonna wish you had listened to your mother when she said, "They're not gonna want to buy the whole friggin' ice cream truck when you're handing out the popsicles for free!"
[giggles and sighs]
Anita Olesky: ...So, any questions?
[every hand goes up]
Aldys: [talking about hopes and dreams] ... and I want to go to NorthWestern!
Josie Geller: Oh my Gosh! I went there!
Aldys: For what?
Josie Geller: ...To go to the bathroom once. They have really nice facilities.
Anita Olesky: [Anita runs into Josie's office and knocks down a diploma on the wall] Guess who I did it with last night?
Josie Geller: Roger from Op/Ed?
Anita Olesky: Aww... Who told you?
Josie Geller: You did. You said, and I quote "Tonight I have a date with Roger from Op/Ed, and I'm gonna do it with him."
Thomas 'Tommy' Salomme: [Swinging the buchet on the ferris wheel] If the buckets a rockin' dont come a kn-kn-kn-knockin'... Yeah!
Sam: I like to say that men change, but we never do.
Thomas 'Tommy' Salomme: [sarcastically, making fun of Josie] Mr. Coulson Rocks my world!
Sam: [Sees Anita outside the class room] Hi... are you here for the Sex Talk?
Anita Olesky: Ooo... I like a man who gets right to the point!
Sam: Are you Pam?
Anita Olesky: ...If you say so!
Sam: [Sam leads Anita into the room] Ok Class, this is Pam, she is going to lead us today in our Sex Talk.
Anita Olesky: I what! No, I what! H-Hi I'm P-Pam. Sex. Yes well Sex. What do you say about sex really. You like a guy... you do it with him... sometimes he calls, sometimes he doesn't
Anita Olesky: Oooo.
[during a "sex-ed" class in which the students are trying to put condoms on bananas, Tracy has just revealed to Josie that she wants to have sex for the first time. Josie is somewhat stunned, but tries to offer advice]
Josie Geller: You know, Adelie penguins, they spend their whole lives looking for that one other penguin and when they meet them, they know. And they spend the rest of their lives together.
Tracy: But I'm not a penguin.
Sam: [has walked up next to them as Josie talked] It's an analogy.
[Josie turns to look at him and loses her grip on the condom which flies up and smacks him in the face]
Josie Geller: [to Tracy] Excuse me. I have to go die now.
[puts her head in her hands]
James Rigfort: You! What's your name?
Josie Geller: [nervous stutter] J-Jo-Josie...
James Rigfort: Jose?
Josie Geller: Josie Geller!
Josie Geller: Somebody once said, "To write well, you have to write what you know." Well, here is what I know...