Maximum Breakout (1991)
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Close your eyes and imagine what a movie written by one woman and directed by another would be like. I said close your eyes! . . . . With that image in place, now let it be known that the movie was an action movie. See, that romantic comedy or heartfelt drama you at first pictured just got distorted. Now you are probably imagining a movie with a female as the star, playing a one-woman force a la Charles Bronson in the `Death Wish' movies. But what if I told you it was a movie where muscle-headed, brain-dead A-Team rejects joined forces to free a kidnapped woman? What do you mean you wouldn't believe me? Well, it is true, and it's name is `Maximum Breakout.' And it is possibly the worst action movie conceivable this side of Andy Sidiras!
The film opens horrendously, with not-so-cute couple Travis and Bobbi driving down a dirt road in their jeep, mumbling inaudible comments to each other. Then, out of nowhere, they are ambushed by a group of thugs who beat the stuffing out of Travis (Yeah!) and kidnap Bobbi and take her to a mysterious ranch. We time-jump to six months later. Travis has been looking for Bobbi all this time with no luck. He's being aided by his friend, Debbie. She is played by Carrie Murray. Who is Carrie Murray? The Murray Brother's sister? I don't know, but her ONE other movie credit seemed to be enough for the producers to grant her name special attention in the opening credits. Debbie mentions that for six months Travis has been in `21 states in 25 weeks' looking for Bobbi. This struck me as hilarious. All that running around and not a single lead? (What was even more funny is that Bobbi and her kidnappers never left the area!) All these failed trips don't deter Travis! He decides to employ a pack of tough guys to help him find and rescue Bobbi. (Let me re-emphasize that Travis has no clue on where to find Bobbi, so why go hire muscle?) So who have we got here? Well, first there is Debbie's brother Reb. No, not Reb Brown, though I think even the presence of Yor himself would improve this flick! This Reb is as dull and boring as Travis is. When Travis, Debbie, and Reb are together, it feels like some lame `hair band' of the 80s decided to get together and make a movie. They all have long, full hair reminiscent of White Lion, Whitesnake, White Sister, White Tiger, or any other hair band with the word `white' in their title. Next we have Loch, a paranoid tough guy that resembles Corey Feldman but without a shred of his acting ability. He's also a gun expect. But by `expert' I mean he has a .45 and sometimes uses it. There's `Suicide,' a goofy, womanizing stunt man. When the other guys go to recruit him, he does a movie stunt where he drives a car, dodges an explosion, and turns the car on its side. White Chicken and Loch are impressed. I was not. It was the most laughable stunt I have ever seen, hilarious in its seriousness but not even good enough to be imitated by Super Dave. Last and certainly least is The Professor, a computer geek. When the gang comes to get him, we find him way out in the woods USING A COMPUTER! IN THE WOODS! He hits a button on the computer which sets off a small explosion near the others to scare them. Repeatedly. They must have drained half the movie's budget that way. Funny thing is, the guys aren't harmed by it, though the same trick and same special effects are used later to KILL some of the bad guys. These guys also drive around a ramshackle van. Hey, this sounds like The A-Team! Yeah, similar on paper but not on the screen. What I wouldn't have given to see these bozos butts kicked by B.A. Baracus!
The film is half over at this point and nearly nothing has occurred. And nothing would have if the bad guys hadn't have made the first move, leading to one of them getting captured and spilling the beans. Had they just left them alone, the `Dirty Half-Dozen,' as Debbie calls them (Hoo-hoo, ha-ha!), would never have found the hideout on their own. With the help of a cowboy (don't ask; he's bar-none the worst actor in the movie, and that is really saying something) our `heroes' storm the hideout to rescue Bobbi and the other captives. Hey, but what is the fiendish plot of the evil boss, the least drawn out villain in movie history? Get this: he runs a baby farm and uses his kidnapped women to produce profits.
For those of you that haven't gotten up and left, let me throw on one more log to the fire. Everything is awful but the worst thing is the odious comedy. There are two henchmen that consistently pop up and goof off. There's the method in which Travis interrogates a suspect. And there's Suicide's antics, which will have them groaning in cheap seats. Take for example a scene where the guys mistakenly break into a frat house where an underwear party is taking place. Oh the hilarity as Suicide hits on women that fall for his pick up lines and his utter oldness, despite their young boyfriends standing right next to them. You'll find yourself on the floor from the comedy! However, it will most likely be from Suicide's shenanigans driving you to attempted suicide to escape it all.
While I could tear this movie up all day, I am not trying to be mean. It's just that the ineptness by everyone involved is astounding (expect the music by Steve McClintock; I like his work---too bad he never got into big productions). They don't get worse than this in any category. You can all thank your lucky stars that this movie is obscure and no one will ever come across it. Except for me . . . . currently on the floor. Zantara's score: 1 out of 10.
Speaking of food products, there is a senselessly extended breakfast-making scene a la Stone Cold (1991), but in Stone Cold armed guards don't stand watch and make sure you eat your steak and eggs.
Professor can set off bombs pressing the space bar on his computer, which he uses in the woods. They travel in a van with numerous pro-life bumper stickers, which may or may not be foreshadowing. Many of the characters make stupid jokes so there is something of a sense of humor going on. Most of the male characters parade around shirtless for inordinately long amounts of time, for no reason. Good guys, bad guys, and even incidental characters are all seen shirtless. Why? In the vein of Maximum Force's Bear and Provoked's Machine-Gun Joe, Maximum Breakout introduces the best character in the movie towards the end. A Cowboy named Dale Evans (McReynolds). He rides his horse in a continuous circle to confuse two guards of the compound, the ultimate dumb-dums Jeff and Big Sam, and helps our heroes. He also has good manners.
Purely silly as only an AIP movie can be, we thoroughly recommend "Maximum Breakout".
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