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Memorable quotes for
"Futurama" (1999) More at IMDbPro »

Fry: Can I do the countdown?
Leela: Huh? Oh, sure. Knock yourself out.
Fry: Ten.
[ship takes off]
Fry: Nine.
[ship reaches the moon]
Leela: Okay, we're here.
Fry: [quietly] Eightsevensixfivefourthreetwooneblastoff.
Glurmo: This concludes the part of the tour where you stay alive.
Leela: Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan.
Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?
Leela: Let's just say we've crossed paths.
Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm feeling the Captain's Itch.
Kif Kroker: I'll get the powder, sir.
Leela: Fry, stop stuffing your craw and save us!
Narrator: You are entering the realm which is unusual. Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one. Prepare to enter... The Scary Door. Please send a man 'round back and pick up Clyde Smith, a professional gambler who's about to have an unfortunate accident.
Clyde Smith: [Smith is run over by a car, then awakes in a casino. He plays the slot machine and wins] Ha-ha-ha! A casino where I'm winning? That car must've killed me. I must be in heaven!
[wins again]
Clyde Smith: A casino where I always win. That's boring. I must really be... in HELL!
Sebastian Cabot: No, Mr. Smith. You are not in heaven or hell. You are on an airplane!
[unrolls the curtains, revealing the airplane windows. A creature sits on the wing of the plane, ripping wires out of it]
Clyde Smith: There's a gremlin destroying the plane. You gotta believe me!
Sebastian Cabot: Why should I believe you? You're Hitler!
[Pulls out a mirror. Clyde's reflection indeed looks like Hitler]
Clyde Smith: No!
[turns to a woman sitting next to him]
Clyde Smith: Eva Braun! Help me!
[the woman pulls off a mask, revealing the head of a fly]
Clyde Smith: A-a-ah!
Bender: Saw it coming.
Bender: Who are you, and why should I care?
Amy Wong: You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later on you realize he actually has a really good body.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You must take him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.
Fry: Oh baby. I'm THERE.
Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?
Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in.
[Dr. Zoidberg is preparing to look for a mate]
Dr. Zoidberg: How do I look?
Bender: Like whale barf.
Dr. Zoidberg: Then the illusion is complete.
Fry: Ooh. "Big Pink." It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.
Bender: And it pinkens your teeth as you chew.
7-11 Clerk: If for any reason you're not completely satisfied, I hate you.
Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
Fry: And then the battle is not so bad?
Soldier: Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.
[Leela fantasizes she killed the Professor]
Bender: There's nothing wrong with murder, so long as you let Bender wet his beak.
Leela: You're blackmailing me?
Bender: Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer "extortion." The "X" makes it sound cool.
Al Gore: If we don't go back there and make that event happen, the entire universe will be destroyed... And as an environmentalist, I'm against that.
Nichelle Nichols: Something's wrong. Murder isn't working, and that's all we're good at.
[the universe has been destroyed]
Nichelle Nichols: Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again.
Dr. Zoidberg: I want the tactile pleasure in cutting him here...
[points his claw at Fry's neck]
Dr. Zoidberg: ... in the gonads.
Fry: [to crowd] Shhhhhh. Nobody correct him.
Bender: Hey. What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker.
[Everyone on Earth except Fry is moronically stupid]
Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
Amy Wong: No, let's buy internet stock.
Dr. Zoidberg: On margin. Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes Conrad: [holding a board in front of his face] Look at me. I'm invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party.
Everyone: Yeah.
[Zoidberg is trying to attract a mate]
Dr. Zoidberg: [screeching] Craw.
Female: Keep your jelly away from my eggs.
Dr. Zoidberg: [screeching] Craw.
Female: [Valley Girl accent] I'm *so* not interested.
Dr. Zoidberg: [screeching] Craw?
Female: [urban accent] Hmph. I've heard *that* line before.
[Zoidberg is unsuccessful in attracting a mate]
Leela: Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?
Bender: Because he's a loser, that's why. He's the lobster equivalent of Fry.
Edna: I heard you went off and became a rich doctor.
Dr. Zoidberg: [proudly] I've performed a few mercy killings.
[Fry is being Zoidberg's Cyrano]
Fry: Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks thin.
Dr. Zoidberg: [calling to Edna] You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?
Edna: [pleased] Why, yes. Thanks for noticing.
Fry: I just came to tell you Zoidberg is great. He's got male jelly coming out the wazoo.
Edna: Well, that IS where it comes out...
[Edna, one of Zoidberg's species, is chasing Fry romantically]
Edna: Teach me to love, you squishy poet from beyond the stars.
Fry: [horrified] I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug, you'd be way up the list.
Edna: Hush, you romantic fool. Engage your mandibles and kiss me.
[Zoidberg has caught Fry in bed with Edna, a lobster alien]
Dr. Zoidberg: [enraged] Fry. I challenge you to "clawplach".
Fry: English, please?
Dr. Zoidberg: A fight to the death.
Edna: And if you survive, we'll make sweet love.
[Fry pauses to think it over, then screams]
Fry: [yelling] Pizza delivery for...
[normal voice]
Fry: I. C. Weiner. Aww... I always thought by this stage in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls.
The Masked Unit: I'm gonna open a file of whoop-ass on you.
[Leela is mad at Bender for skipping practice]
Bender: Hey. Bender the Offender doesn't need YOU. Bender the Offender doesn't need ANYBODY?
Girl Robot: What about us, Mr. The Offender?
Bender: Well, obviously I need floozies.
Billionaire Bot: You'll be the most unpopular robot fighter since Sergeant Feces Processor.
Fry: Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting was real, like pro wrestling, but it turns out it's fixed, like boxing.
Leela: Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm gonna teach you to fight like a girl.
Bender: [vengefully] I'll put on my tutu.
George Foreman: This could be the most one-sided fight since 1973 when Ali faced an eighty-foot tall mechanical Joe Frazier. My memory isn't what it used to be, but I think the entire Earth was destroyed.
Rich Little: [imitating Howard Cosell] The Vegas odds tonight stand at an unprecedented 1000 to 0. A bet of zero dollars on Bender pays 1000 dollars if he wins. Still, very few takers.
[George Foreman introduces his fat-draining grill]
George Foreman: With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth.
Fnog: See you in Girl Hell. I'll be in Boy Hell - much nicer.
Leela: Cheating in a fake fight. That's low.
[Leela just jumped into the river of Slurm to rescue Fry from drowning and surfaces with him. Bender surfaces with them whistling]
Leela: Bender, why did you jump in?
Bender: Everybody was doing it... I just wanted to be popular
Bender: What do you mean "we", flesh-tube?
Universe 1 Bender: Bite my glorious golden ass!
[in the library, absorbing all of Earth's knowledge]
Chief Giant Brain: Pathetic human race. Arranging their knowledge by category just made it easier to absorb. Dewey, you fool! Your decimal system has played right into my hands! Ha ha ha ha!
Calculon: [upset] Everyone walked out. They hated it. I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. You said that Oscar was practically on my mantle.
Bender: Now you know why I used the qualifier "practically".
Leela: Its some kind of hollow tube, devoid of human life. Gasp. The Los Angeles Subway.
Oscar Presenter: And the nominees for Best Soft Drink Product Placement are... Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation, They Call Me Mr. Pibb, and Snow White and the Seven-ups.
[Fry's mother is giving birth]
Yancy Fry Sr.: You can do it, honey. Squeeze one out for America.
[Fry's just been born]
Doctor: It's a boy. And look at that red hair.
Yancy Fry Sr.: [angry] You sayin' my boy is a Commie?
Young Yancy Fry Jr.: I wanna be Philip. Me Philip. Me Philip.
Yancy Fry Sr.: Son, your name is Yancy, just like me, and my grandfather, and so on, all the way back to Minuteman Yancy Fry, who blasted Commies in the American Revolution.
[At the horse races]
Hermes Conrad: Come on, baby needs a new pair of shoes.
Dr. Zoidberg: The hell with your spoiled baby. I need those shoes.
[the group's at a horse race]
Fry: C'mon. C'mon. Hey, Leela, how about a kiss for good luck?
[Leela gives him a quick peck on the cheek]
Fry: [disappointed] I meant tongue luck.
Fry: This was our storage closet. My Dad spent years turning it into a bomb shelter.
Leela: [sadly] And yet you guys never had a single nuclear war.
Bender: [sadly] What a waste.
Fry: That clover helped my rat-faced brother steal my dream of going into space. Now I'll never get there.
Leela: You went there this morning for doughnuts.
Leela: They buried your brother in the World Heroes Section? Impressive.
Fry: [jealous] *I* should be the one in that grave.
[Bender and Leela are in a cemetery]
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.
[Leela has beaten up Zapp Brannigan]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Oh god, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman.
Leela: Let's do it again sometime.
Amazon: It time snu-snu.
Fry: Can't we just cuddle?
[Amazon grabs him]
Fry: Nooooo.
[Aliens are attacking Earth]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Since this is an emergency, all robots will now have their patriotism circuits activated.
[He engages Bender's circuit]
Bender: It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity...
[circuit deactivates]
Bender: - Aw, crap!
[Futurama in-show commercials]
TV Announcer: Planet Express - Our crew is replaceable, your package isn't.
TV Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by: Glagnar's Human Rinds - It's a buncha, muncha, cruncha... human.
[crunch]
TV Announcer: Lightspeed Briefs - Style and comfort for the discriminating crotch.
[Nibblonians explain the Giant Brains]
Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in order to wipe out all thought in the universe.
Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
Bender Bending Rodriguez: [in the year 3000] To the flying machine!
[Nibbler explains the Giant Brains' plan]
Leela: You mean those giant brains are making everyone on Earth stupid?
[Nibbler chatters]
Leela: Ooooooooooh. Stupid-ER.
[Bender is angry at Fry for dating a robot]
Bender: Stay away from our women. You've got metal fever, boy. Metal fever.
[George Michael's head has been kidnapped]
George Michael: Please pick me up before you go-go?
Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex.
Dr. Zoidberg: [ecstatic] I'm going to a movie... with FRIENDS.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Above all else it is our responsibility to preserve the timeline.
[Fry walks in]
Fry: Well, I've killed my grandfather.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Whaaaaaaaa?
Leela: Wait, if you killed your grandfather, why do you still exist?
Fry: I don't know. Maybe God loves me.
Bender: [Starts laughing maniacally]
Leela: Please, Professor... give us our jobs back. We deserve another chance.
Bender: Yeah. And if you won't give me another chance perhaps you'd give one to...
[Puts on the gorilla mask]
Bender: Og. Gorilla Emperor of Earth.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sorry, Og. But I've got a new crew.
[to Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg, who are coming out of the ship]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: So, how was your delivery to Fantasy Planet where everyone's fantasies come to life?
Amy Wong: Great.
Hermes Conrad: Organized.
Dr. Zoidberg: For one beautiful night I knew what it was to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.
[Leela meets another Cyclops]
Leela: After all this time, somebody else with one eye... who ISN'T a clumsy carpenter or a kid with a BB gun.
[the gang is logged onto the internet in virtual reality]
Bender: Behold... the Internet.
Fry: My God! It's full of ads!
[on the internet, Amy finds a door titled "Amy Wong Naked". She looks inside]
Amy Wong: Hey. That's me.
Bender: No it isn't. I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body.
[Leela looks inside]
Leela: Hey.
[the Professor is The Wizard of Oz, Zoidberg is the Cowardly Lion]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What do you nice kids want?
Dr. Zoidberg: Nothing. I'm leaving. But if you had extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh blithery poop, my cowardly lobster. You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
Fry: Dear Horse God, I know I don't usually pray to you. Sometimes I doubt you even exist, but if you're willing to grant me luck... please... stamp your hoof once.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Shut up friends. My internet browser heard us saying the word Fry and it found a movie about Philip J. Fry for us. It also opened my calendar to Friday and ordered me some french fries.
[Bender owns an Aibo robot dog]
Aibo: Robo-puppy commencing 2 hour yipping session. Yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip...
[Bender kicks it against the wall, Aibo alarm sounding]
Aibo: Robo-puppy mistreatment alert. Robo-puppy mistreatment alert.
Yancy Fry Jr: [Yancy is wearing a camouflage-colored tuxedo] Thanks for lending me your tux dad. It'll be perfect for my wedding.
Yancy Fry Sr.: Yancy, that tux got me through 'Nam in style.
[Leela and Hermes are at a concession stand at the track]
Concession Man: Get your piping hot horse burgers, horse fries, horse cakes and shakes. We got tongue, straight from the horse's mouth.
Leela: Hmmmmm.
Hermes Conrad: It all sounds good.
Concession Man: All our horses are 100% horse-fed for that double-horse "juiced-in" goodness.
Leela: I'll have the cholesterol-free omelet with horse-beaters.
Concession Man: And you, sir? How can I horse you?
Hermes Conrad: I'll have a horse Coke.
Concession Man: Horse Pepsi okay?
Hermes Conrad: Neeeiiiggghh.
[Al Gore is sponsoring a convention]
Al Gore: I must go now, to help collect cans on Jupiter.
[urban accent]
Al Gore: Peace out, y'all.
Star Trek Priest: ...And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon ship, where they would be no tribble at all.
[Fry is in a Captain Pike-style life-support machine]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Do you understand the charges?
Kif Kroker: One beep for yes, two beeps for no.
[Fry beeps once]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Yes, so noted. Do you plead guilty?
[Fry beeps twice]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Double yes. Guilty.
Leela: You can't go to Omega 3. It's forbidden. I forbid you.
Fry: But we have to. The world needs Star Trek to give people hope for the future.
Leela: But it's set 800 years in the past.
Bender: Yeah, why is it so important to you?
Fry: Because it... it taught me so much. Like, how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female...
[Leonard Nimoy is introducing the cast of Star Trek]
Leonard Nimoy: Nichelle, George, Walter, DeForest, Welshie...
Fry: "Welshie"?
Nichelle Nichols: We did some musical reunion specials in the 22-hundreds, but the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodeling.
Fry: All this time we thought he was a powerful super-being, yet he was just a child...
Nellvar's gaseous mother: He is not a child. He is THIRTY-FOUR.
Melllvar: Well, I guess I could move out of my parents' basement... maybe get a temp job...
Fry: Whoa, whoa. One step at a time.
Fry: Melllvar's got a spaceship.
Melllvar: Yes, and you made me take it out of the package!
Walter Koenig: When we woke up, we had these bodies.
Fry: Say it in Russian.
Walter Koenig: [groans] Ven we voke up, we had these wodies.
Fry: [delighted] Wheeee. Now say "nuclear wessels".
Walter Koenig: NO.
[William Shatner quotes Eminem]
William Shatner: I'm Slim Shady. Yes, I'm the real Slim Shady. All you other Slim Shadies are immitatin'. So, would the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up, please stand up.
[Bender negotiates Leela's blernsball contract]
Bender: Hey. You put a one and two zeros in front of that or we pass. Deal.
Leela: Bender. That's great. How much did you get me?
Bender: One hundred dollars.
Leela: Professor. Please. Society is never gonna make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other. Now, let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No.
[Leela makes a retching noise after sampling an alien's pizza]
Leela: I don't mean to offend, but this tastes like vomit.
Female Cygnoid: Thank you.
Leela: No, actually, I did mean to offend a little. This is awful.
[while talking to the Beastie Boys]
Fry: Back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums.
Adam Horovitz: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven.
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones? And a couple of blank tapes?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?
Glurmo: Why, those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them.
Santa Claus Robot: Your mistletoe is no match for my *tow* missile.
Leonard Nimoy: When I directed Star Trek IV, I got a good performance out of Bill because I respected him so much.
William Shatner: And when I directed Star Trek V, I got a good performance out of me because I respected me so much.
Dr. Zoidberg: [voice-over] As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays but not be destroyed by them: Earth. So all over the world couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg. And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray.
[repeated line]
Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray!
[Bender has stumbled upon God while drifting through space]
Bender: I was God once.
God: Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died.
God: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch, like a safecracker or a pickpocket.
Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money.
God: Yes, if he makes it look like an electrical thing. If you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
[after making a delivery to the mob planet Sicily-8]
Fry: I know Big Vinny said he was giving me the Kiss of Death, but I still think he's gay.
Leela: Did he use his tongue?
Fry: A little.
Kif Kroker: Captain, may I have a word with you?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: No.
Kif Kroker: It's an emergency, sir.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Come back when it's a catastrophe.
[a huge rumbling is heard]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Oh, very well.
Bender: But going through a divorce together, you can't pretend that didn't bring us closer together.
Fry: Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?
Dr. Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.
Fry: No, tell her she's special.
Dr. Zoidberg: But she's not, she's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.
Fry: Well, tell her that. And then what?
Dr. Zoidberg: Then mating.
Fry: No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them.
[Dr. Zoidberg raises his hand]
Fry: Yes?
Dr. Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling?
Fry: Ugh, you're not even trying.
Dr. Zoidberg: Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.
Fry: This is not how Xmas is supposed to be. In my day Xmas was about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.
[a brain parasite that was attached to Fry's head is found dead]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Poor little fella. Died of starvation.
Harold Zoid: Thank you, thank you so much. You know through all my ups and downs, I always thought the most important thing in life was to win an Oscar. But tonight I realized what's really important is to win two Oscars. I'm kidding I'm kidding. What really matters is that people care about you, whether it's a whole crowd or just one die hard fan.
Leela: Mr Voggle ?, Remember me ?
Mr Voggle: Leela., You're worthless and no one will ever love you.
[both laughing and hugging]
Leela: You used to say that all the time.
Mr Voggle: Those were happier days.
[Fry trying to talk Leela out of cosmetic surgery]
Fry: But you're better than normal, you're abnormal.
[after Fry loses basketball game to invading Harlem Globetrotters]
Leela: Way to go, Fry. Now every galaxy is gonna be cracking wise about our mothers.
[Hermes hangs his head in shame]
Hermes Conrad: I'm just glad my fat ugly mother is not alive to see this.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes.
Fry: Very impressive, back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, in those days Mars was a dreary uninhabitable wasteland much like Utah, but unlike Utah Mars was eventually made livable.
[Fry has purchased a robotic Lucy Liu]
Fry: Did you hear that? She likes me.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well Duh, she's programmed to like you.
Fry: But this is Lucy Liu, perhaps the only good actress of the 20th century. She's more than just a piece of software.
Lucy Liu robot: Would you like to take a moment to register me?
Fry: Hmm, not right now.
Lucy Liu robot: [tussling Fry's hair] I'll remind you later you hot stud you.
Nibblonian: You are the last hope of the universe.
Fry: So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct?
Nibblonian: Yes - except the Dave Matthews Band doesn't rock.
Leela: You're just jealous.
Fry: No I'm not. Oh wait - yes I am. But my point remains valid.
[time skipped forward through Fry and Leela's wedding, then divorce, and Fry is wondering how he got Leela to marry him]
Hermes Conrad: Maybe you're just a first-class lover, Fry.
Amy Wong: [quietly, to herself] No...
[after Bender has acted very strange when a magnet was placed on his head]
Fry: So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk-singer?
Bender: Yes,
[stares longingly into the distance]
Bender: I guess a robot would have to be crazy to wanna' be a folk-singer...
Fry: I'm not a robot like you, I don't like having discs crammed into me... unless they're Oreos... and then only in the mouth.
Orphanarium Worker: Well, keep adoption open. It's a good way of having kids without having sex.
Fry: Really?
Marv Albert: Ladies and gentlemen, something very strange has just occurred in this basketball match between space clowns and atomic monsters.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You're THAT Bubblegum Tate?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now, that evil robot Santa can't get to us here, unless any of us are stupid enough to leave this house. In a related matter, you'll all be delivering a sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.
Marv Albert: Yes. He's really showing us what a man with a cannon in his chest can do.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Dr. Zoidberg: Is bread free?
Waiter: Yes.
Dr. Zoidberg: We'll split an order.
Calculon: Let me see the script.
[after reading for a second]
Calculon: No, I don't like the font. Wait. "Harold Zoid". Was this written by 'the' Harold Zoid ?
Dr. Zoidberg: Written and Xeroxed.
Harold Zoid: People, people please, just because its a dramatic scene doesn't mean you can't do a little comedy in the background.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow, you'll all be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
Hermes: Why can't they go today?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night and I want you all to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors annual symposium.
Fry: Wow, I love symposia!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's the scientific event of the season. Every member presents an invention. The best one wins the Academy prize.
Bender: Sounds boring.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh my, yes.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news everyone!
Bender: Lies, lies and slander!
Fry: Mister Nimoy, I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago.
Leela: How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?
Bender: Only one way to find out...
[Hermes is under the control of a brain slug, which is attached to his head]
Hermes Conrad: On to new business. Today's mission is to go to the brain slug planet.
Dr. Zoidberg: What are we going to do there?
Hermes Conrad: Nothing. Just walk around not wearing a helmet.
Bender: Hey. What are you doing with my head?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I need to tinker in it.
Bender: Why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry?
Fry: So you have to choose between life without sex and a hideous, gruesome death?
Dr. Zoidberg: Yes.
Fry: Man, tough call.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: One day, a man has everything. Then the next day, he blows up a billion dollar space station. And then the next day, he has nothing. Makes you think, huh, Kif?
Kif Kroker: No, it doesn't.
[Zapp Brannigan and Kif have been hired by Planet Express]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Who are the new people again?
Hermes Conrad: Da' green dude and da' fat man.
Bender: Hey. Do I preach at you when you're lying stoned in the gutter?
[while fishing, Leela pulls in her line to find Dr. Zoidberg holding a boot on the end]
Leela: Oh, Dr. Zoidberg. Since when do you even wear boots?
Dr. Zoidberg: I wasn't wearing it. I was eating it.
Al Gore: As I discuss in my book Earth in the Balance, and the more popular Harry Potter and the Balance of the Earth, we need to protect ourselves against the greenhouse effect and dark wizards.
Dark Wizard: Oh sure, blame the wizards.
Fry: I have a pizza here for Seymour Asses.
Tenant: There isn't anybody by that name here. Or anywhere. I hope in time you realize how stupid you are.
Mr. Wong: Anyway, make yourselves at home.
[Dr. Zoidberg comes downstairs wearing a bathrobe]
Dr. Zoidberg: Don't mind if I already did. By the way, do you have any more of this Dom Perignon bubble bath? There was only enough to fill the tub halfway.
Dr. Zoidberg: I wonder what the shroud of Turin tastes like.
[Fry, Bender and Leela are sihouetted against a movie screen, a la "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988)]
Fry: [sarcastic] Oh, this is REALLY futuristic.
[Camera pans to reveal Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, also silhouetted]
Crow T. Robot: Shhhh. No talking during the movie.
[last line of the series]
Leela: Don't stop playing, Fry. I want to see how it ends.
[Lrrr has invaded Earth on board a spaceship resembling those in the video game "Space Invaders"]
Lrrr: You are defeated. Instead of shooting where I was, you should have shot where I was going to be. Muahahahaha!
Lucy Liu robot: I'll always remember you, Fry...
Lucy Liu robot: [monotone voice] MEMORY DELETED.
[the city is being attacked by Lucy Liu robots]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Now there's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.
Lucy Liu robot: I am Lucy Liu. Give me your spines.
[the lab is collapsing]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Buddha! Zeus! God! Somebody help me! Satan, you owe me!
[the professor has been "youthisized" to age 53]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, now I'll need a fake ID to buy ultra-porn.
[the group is trying to get a herd of Buggalo out of a volcano]
Lt. Kif Kroker: Ok the dynamite's in place.
Amy Wong: Are you sure there's no other way to get the Buggalo out?
Turanga Leela: Not unless your parents have thousands of helicopters at their disposal.
Amy Wong: Well actually...
Bender Bending Rodriguez: Too late this is more fun
[He detonates it]
[a commercial for Farnsworth's delivery company]
H. G. Blob: Evans! Where's that package from Earth?
Employee: Uh...
[H.G. Blob swallows him whole]
Employee: I'm not Evans!
H.G. Blob: He should've used Planet Express!
Narrator: When those other companies aren't brave or foolhardy enough to go, trust Planet Express for reliable on-time deliveries!
Evans: Here's your package, Mr. Horrible Gelatinous Blob!
H.G. Blob: Good work, Evans! You've got a future around here!
[swallows him whole]
Evans: Thank you, sir!
Bender: I was a hero to broken robots 'cause I was one of them, but how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina Aguilera singing Spanish. Ooh, wait! That's it! I'll fake it!
Nixon's Campaign Manager: I give you the next president of Earth!
[Richard Nixon's head on a giant robot body breaks through the wall, steps on the campaign manager]
Richard Nixon's Head: Nixon's back!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, dear, I should have shown him "Electrogonorrhea: the noisy killer" instead.
Fry: Bender, what was it like to be in that hole for a thousand years?
Bender: It was fine 'til you guys showed up.
[having just encountered Leela, who is pretending to be a male soldier]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.
[Leela tries to hint to the ship that Bender isn't being faithful in their relationship]
Planet Express Ship: You're just jealous! Nobody loves you because you're tiny and made of meat!
[regarding a desolate planet at the centre of an intergalactic war]
Solider: Why is this godforsaken hellhole worth dying for?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Don't ask me. You're the ones who are going to be dying.
[to Fry, just after he arrives in the year 2999]
Leela: Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
[Zapp Brannigan has just piloted the Titanic straight into the path of a black hole]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship.
Lt. Kif Kroker: That's surprisingly noble of you, sir.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: No, it's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, Captain.
[Zapp runs off]
[after seeing visions of Fry, despite his apparent death]
Leela: I'll find Fry's coffin, get his corpse, and keep it under my mattress to remind me that he's really dead. That'll prove I'm not insane!
Bender: So do you know I'm going to do something before I do it?
God: Yes.
Bender: What if I do something else?
God: Then I don't know that.
Fry: All right, time to reeducate you duncebags. We'll start with U.S Presidents. This is our first president, George Washington.
[pause. The others look confused]
Fry: Let's review. Who was our first president?
Bender: A pickle jar?
George Washington: Thomas Jefferson?
Leela: I... have to tell... must... important... something...
Fry: Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. You're going a mile a minute.
Chief Giant Brain: What do you want?
Fry: I'm here to kick your ass!
Chief Giant Brain: Wishful thinking. We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses.
Captain Ahab: A gold dubloon for the first man who spots the white whale!
[the Giant Brain, painted white, rocks the boat]
Queequeg: Big whale over there!
Captain Ahab: Arr, I saw it first.
[Fry and Leela are trapped in 'Moby Dick']
Chief Giant Brain: Farewell! You will all be trapped in this dense symbolist tome forever!
[On whitewashing Aunt Polly's fence in 'Tom Sawyer']
Chief Giant Brain: Tom Sawyer, you tricked me. This is less fun than previously indicated. Let this corny slice of Americana be your tomb for all eternity.
Tom Sawyer: Please no!
[having been trapped in a parallel universe]
Giant Brain #1: Well, here we are. Trapped for eternity.
Giant Brain #2: We could sing 'American Pie'.
Fry: Go ahead. I deserve it.
Giant Super Brain: I have shocking data revelant to this conversation.
Giant Brain #1: We don't care, you big dope. We're in another universe. You're not in charge any more.
Nibbler: I didn't travel back in time! My people lack that ability.
Fry: But... I know you in the future! I clean your poop!
Nibbler: Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers.
Fry: Hey. Did everything just taste purple for a second?
Mr. Panucci: What's with Seymour? It's like he don't want you to go, or he thinks your pants is too short or somethin', which is crazy, cause frankly you look fabulous.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [about his much younger girlfriend] Some people think I'm robbing the cradle, but I say she's robbing the grave.
Lucy Liu-bot: You're cute!
Fry: No, you are!
Lucy Liu-bot: No, you!
Fry: No, you!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh dear, she's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot! Oh well, that's love for you, I guess.
Leela: You know, Fry? I don't care if you're not the most important person in the universe. It really makes me happy to see you right now.
Fry: Then I am the most important person in the universe.
Leela: Dr. Zoidberg - how can you claim to love freedom and then enslave humanity?
Dr. Zoidberg: Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom until it learns what it is not to have freedom. It's a lesson, I say!
Chester A. Arthur's head: [after being knocked over by Fry] Chessy A. Arthur fall down!
Bender: Come on, universe, you big, mostly empty wuss! Give me all the juice you got!
[On a Beastie Boys concert]
Leela: [looking at a hand-held device] Amazing. They are laying down mad beats at 80% accuracy.
Bender: I think that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint.
Amy Wong: You're going to Nigel 7? Kif's on patrol near there, you could drop me off on the way!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: We could but we won't. It's a spaceship damn it! Not a prom limousine!
[angry rant]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: If anyone needs me I'll be in the Angry Dome.
[the girls are at a single's bar]
Amy Wong: Um, Leela, Armondo and I are going to the back seat of his car for coffee.
Richard Nixon's Head: Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention, as I sign a historic peace accord with ambassador Kong of planet Nintendu 64.
Fry: Wait a second, I know that monkey, his name is Donkey!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Monkey's aren't donkeys, quit messing with my head!
Mario: Mamma Mia! The cruel meatball of war has rolled onto our laps and ruined our white pants of peace!
[Leela is fighting her old teacher Fnog]
Fnog: You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher!
Cubert J. Farnsworth: What? You've never seen a genius's wiener before?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Professor Farnsworth is showing Cubert, his clone, some of his inventions] This is my Universal Translator. It could have been my greatest invention, but it translates everything into an incomprehensible dead language
Cubert J. Farnsworth: [into the translator's microphone] Hello.
Universal Translator: Bonjour!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: See? Lousy gibberish!
Cubert J. Farnsworth: I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. The engines don't move the ship across the universe. The ship stays in place and the engines move the universe around it.
Bender: That's a complete load!
Cubert J. Farnsworth: Nothing's a complete load! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about.
Stephen Hawking: Oh, great. The universe has been destroyed.
Fry: Then where are we?
Al Gore: I don't know, but I damn well know where we're not - the universe.
Fry: [writing] "Leela cried as Fry lay crushed under the book case. The giant brain laughed 'Ha ha ha!' Then, for no reason, he left Earth, never to return. The end." There. Now he's trapped in a book I wrote. A crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors.
Chief Giant Brain: The big brain am winning! I am the greetest! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! I must now leave Earth for no raisin!
Leela: So, how was the universe created?
[Nibbler babbles in his native language]
Leela: And the meaning of existence?
[Nibbler talks some more]
Leela: So every religion is wrong.
Fry: You look different. Did you get a haircut?
Bender: No! I sold my body.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants.
Bender: Game's over, losers! I have all the money. Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves.
Bender: What is the world coming to? That Fry is a sicko poivert, I tell ya! Dating a robot... it's an attrocimacy!
Leela: But Fry is our friend, Bender.
Bender: Ah, geez! Would you stifle there, meatbag?
Leela: You stifle, Bender!
Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray! Finally, you're standing up to him.
Hedonism Bot: Oh sirrah! A *man* writing an opera about a *woman*? How deliciously absurd!
Bender: Shut up and pay attention to me, Bender! Look, I love life and its pleasures as much as anyone here, except perhaps you, Hedonism Bot. But we need to be shut off! Especially you, Hedonism Bot.
Hedonism Bot: I apologize for nothing!
Fry: But won't that change history?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [ultra sarcastic] Ohh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandfather"! Let's just steal the damn dish and get out of here! Screw history!
Henry Kissinger's Head: Young man, you have the courage of a hero. And the breath of a fresh summer ham.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [when everyone, despite the professor's objections, seems intent on leaping into a lake of lava to rescue Fry's dog] Professor! Lava! Hot!
Cubert J. Farnsworth: Your explanations are pure weapons grade balonium. It's all impossible.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being is a scientist is all about.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: Look Professor. I may be identical to you in every possible way but that doesn't mean I'm anything like you.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You... wha?
Cubert J. Farnsworth: I don't want to be an inventor. I want to be something useful like a teacher's aide or a prison guard or a science fiction cartoon writer.
Michelle: It's a relief to meet you, Amy. I'm just having a hard time adjusting to all the strange stuff here in the future.
Amy Wong: I'm from Mars.
Dr. Zoidberg: Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor.
'80s Guy: Let's practice your answers. "I'm worried about blank."
Fry: Don't you worry about blank. Let me worry about blank
[later]
Leela: Fry, we're worried about Planet Express.
Fry: Don't you worry about Planet Express. Let me worry about blank.
Hedonism Bot: Ah, Fry, congratulations. Your latest performance was as delectable as dipping my bottom over and over into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams.
Fry: Thank you, sir. That's exactly what I was going for.
Hedonism Bot: You were the sole diversion in what has been a pale and unamusing season, and so I would fain commission you write an opera.
Fry: But I've never written an opera.
Hedonism Bot: And I've never heard one. Still, if you can keep me amused through the overture I shall consider it a smashing success.
Bender: Hey look, it's bigfoot again.
Park Ranger: Where?
Bender: Up your face! Ahahahaha.
Lrrr: Mmm, this jerked chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.
Bender: It's used to it. Woooo!
Lrrr: This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures. A living thing. And all living things, large and small...
Bender: In this case, small. Woooo!
Leela: Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold on to your lower horn.
Bender: As usual. Woooo!
Narrator: No one really knows when, where, or how man landed on the moon...
Fry: I do!
Narrator: ...but our Fungineers imagine it went something like this...
[Animatronic whalers emerge from a lunar lander]
Animatronic whalers: [singing] We're whalers of the moon.
Animatronic gophers: We carry a harpoon.
Animatronic whalers, Animatronic gophers: But there ain't no whales, so we tell tall tales and sing a whaling tune.
Fry: That's not how it happened.
Leela: I don't see you with a Fungineering degree.
Bender: I read the script, and I think it would help my character's motivation if he was on fire.
TV Producer: Don't worry about the script. We rewrote the part to better suit your acting abilities.
Bender: Ah, so now my character has a British accent?
TV Producer: No, now your character's in a coma. Get in bed and don't move.
Anglelyne: Bender! You tricked me!
Bender: That's right baby, I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. You even love anyone pretending to be him.
Anglelyne: Well maybe I love you so much that I love you no matter who you're pretending to be.
Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that!
Fry: [singing] Destiny/ has cheated me/ By forcing me/ to decide upon/ The Woman that I idolize/ Or the hands of an Automaton/... Without these hands/ I can't complete/ The opera that/ was captivating her/ But if I keep them/ And she marries him/ Then he probably won't/ Want me dating her...
Richard Nixon's Head: [addressing the troops] We are now in position above Spheron One. This is the moment we were training for all yesterday afternoon.
Lrrr: Interesting, the trousers conceal a tiny, secondary, horn.
Fry: Hey! What've you heard?
Leela: Alright, this is the third hose fight I've broken up today... and the second one using ACTUAL hoses.
Morbo: Morbo will now introduce the candidates - Puny Human Number One, Puny Human Number Two, and Morbo's good friend Richard Nixon.
Richard Nixon's Head: How's the family, Morbo?
Morbo: Belligerent and numerous.
Morbo: Morbo forget how you spell that letter that looks like a man wearing a hat. Hello, tiny man. I will destroy you!
[on the fiddle contest]
Leela: What happens if we lose?
Beelzebot, The Robot Devil: You'll only win a smaller silver fiddle. Also, I guess I'll kill one of you. Uhh... him.
[points at Fry]
TV Announcer: After a whirlwind fling with Icelandic supermodel Njord, Fry scored a string of top 10 hits, with his rock band Leaf Seven.
Lucy Liu robot: Oh, Fry, I love you more than the moon, the stars, the...
[monotone]
Lucy Liu robot: POETIC IMAGE #36 NOT FOUND.
Dr. Zoidberg: Courage. Not enough of it. Need some from what's-his-name.
Fry: [Discussing Fry being his own grandfather as a result of going back in time and getting with his grandmother] I did do the nasty in the past-y.
Nibbler: Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains!
Fry: [Bender is a massive glob of flab. Fry waves his hand in front of Bender's eyes] He's dead.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: When did he die?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [checks Bender's pulse] Hmm. About 12 hours ago when the party started.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: But he just said, "Woooo!"
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, that was air escaping the folds in his fat.
[shoves a glob of fat on Bender]
Bender: [his fat] Woooo!
Fry: I moved the stars themselves to write her a love note in the sky.
Queequeg: Wait! That no white whale. That grey thinky whale.
[bouncing on a ball towards Bender and the brain balls]
Fry: At last, war has made me into a man. Whee!
[Zapp Brannigan is briefing Fry, Leela, Bender and his crew on his plan to destroy an alien mothership]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
[Kif groans]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage.
[Fry raises his hand]
Fry: W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first a - ?
[Bender starts to choke him à la Homer Simpson to Bart in "The Simpsons". His antenna flashes again and he stops choking Fry and salutes]
Bender: Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission.
[Bender's antenna stops flashing and he bangs his head with his knuckles]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: You're a brave robot, son. But when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission.
Lrrr: Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.
Slurm Factory Owner: Okay, no more questions.
Fry: [raising up his hand] Why?
Hungover Cryogenicist: Ugh, I am one hungover cryogenicist.
Fry: There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you
[everyone gets in bed]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Feast your eyes... on *this*!
[everyone gasps]
Leela: It's beautiful!
Amy Wong: And huge!
Fry: Can I touch it?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: [after destroying an alien mothership] Well, we destroyed the... what the hell is that?
[a ship materializes out of thin air]
Kif Kroker: It appears to be the mothership, sir.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?
Kif Kroker: The Hubble Telescope.
[Zapp walks up to a woman in a bar and uses a pickup line]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: You know, I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies.
TV Advertisement: Yes, now you can hear holophonor virtuoso Philip Fry play 900 of his classic themes in your own home on this two-record set. That's over 30 minutes of music for only $14.99.
Dr. Zoidberg: Only $14.99 for a two-record set. Two records! Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer! Hello? I'll take eight!
Bender: [at a rollerblading circle] Hey, everybody! Do the Bender. This move's called the Bender.
Rollerblader: Yo, Hot Wheels. This circle is about free expression, not fascist moves.
Fry: You know what the worst thing about being a slave is? They make you work hard without paying you or letting you go.
Leela: Fry, that's the only thing about being a slave.
'80s Guy: Awesome. Awesome to the max.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sweet zombie Jesus!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'll have some Soylent Green, with Soylent Orange, followed by a side of Soylent coleslaw.
Leela: [whispering] It's the 20th century, Professor.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: In that case, I'll have a croque monsieur, a paella, two mutton pills, and a stein of mead.
Leela: I'll have a small injection of Fem-a-slim.
Mildred: Uh... two chili dogs comin' up.
Bender: Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Most video tapes were damaged in 2047 during the second coming of Jesus.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan!

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