[talking about non-smokers]
Bill Hicks: I'd quit smoking if I didn't think I'd become one of you.
[on subliminal messages on record albums telling people to commit suicide]
Bill Hicks: Now, I may be naive, but eh, what performer wants his audience dead?
Bill Hicks: Remember this shit, if you play certain rock albums backwards there'd be satanic messages? Let me tell you something, if you're sitting round your house playing your albums backwards, you ARE Satan. You needn't look any further. And don't go ruining my stereo to prove a point either.
Bill Hicks: The Beatles were so high they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes.
[about the cold in Chicago]
Bill Hicks: I was here last winter. One of the days I was here it was three below zero, no wind chill. A little nippy.
Bill Hicks: Bunch of whining little maggots. You obnoxious, self-righteous slags. Don't take that wrong.
[about being drunk]
Bill Hicks: I'd get pulled over by cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it into another club.
[about why marijuana is better than alcohol]
Bill Hicks: I've never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking impossible.
Bill Hicks: I'm not promoting the use of drugs. I'm just telling you I've had some good times on them. That's the truth. I've also had bad times them too, Ok? But I've had good and bad relationships and I'm not giving up pussy.
Bill Hicks: Do you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards they sound better?
Bill Hicks: When did sex become a bad thing? Did I miss a meeting?
Bill Hicks: I find it ironic that people who are against sexual thoughts are generally these fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.
[about a joke about Christians]
Bill Hicks: I actually did that joke in Alabama, right. These three rednecks met me after the shown, man.
Bill Hicks: Hey, buddy. Come here. Hey, Mr. Comedian. Come here. Hey buddy, we're Christians. We don't like what you said.
[in his own voice]
Bill Hicks: I said, "then forgive me".