Andy: You think I don't appreciate art? You think I don't understand fashion? You think I'm not hip? You think I'm pathetic? A nerd? A lard-ass fat-so? You think I'm shit? Well, you're wrong, 'cause i'm champagne, and you're shit. Until the day you die, you, not me, will always be shit.
Helen Jordan: [picks up phone] Hello?
Allen: I know who you are and you are nothing. You think you are fucking something, but you are fucking nothing. You are empty. You are a zero. You are a black hole, and I'm gonna fuck you so bad you'll be coming out of your ears.
[slams down phone, pants for air]
Bill: I wake up happy, feeling good... but then I get very depressed, because I'm living in reality.
Detective Berman: Johnny, was there anyone in the last day or two who..."hurt" you?
Johnny Grasso: No. I... I... I don't think so.
Detective Berman: But someone did hurt you... no, Johnny?
Johnny Grasso: No. No-one hurt me.
Joe: What do ya mean no? You've been FUCKING RAPED!
[after Bill recalls his dream]
Psychiatrist: And how is this different?
Bill: I don't kill myself at the end.
Diane: I want kids that love me as much as I hated my mother.
Joe: What do you think would happen if I got him a professional... you know...
Bill: A professional?
Joe: Hooker. You know, the kind that can teach things... first-timers, you know... break him in.
Bill: But Joe, he's 11.
Joe: You're right, you're right. It's too late.
Vlad: I love New Jersey.
Joy Jordan: Don't you miss Russia?
Vlad: Fuck the cunt of Russia.
Joy Jordan: Well, I guess it's best to feel that way.
Helen Jordan: Y'know, people are always putting New Jersey down. None of my friends can believe I live here. But that's because they don't get it: I'm living in a state of irony.
Helen Jordan: It's just I'm... I'm so tired of being admired all the time. All these men I mean... they're all beautiful, artistic minds, great sex, the whole package, but hollow, you know what I mean? I feel nobody's really honest with me. Nobody wants me for me.
Joy Jordan: [singing] It seems the things I've wanted in my life I've never had. And so it's no surprise that living only leaves me sad. Happiness, where are you? I've searched so long for you. Happiness, what are you? I haven't got a clue. Happiness, why do you have to stay... so far away... from me?
Allen: I don't know I could ever really begin to talk to her. I mean what can I talk about? I have nothing to talk about, I'm boring. And that I know, I've been told before so don't tell me it's not true 'cause it's a fact. I bore the people. People look at me and they get bored, people listen to me and they zone out... bored. 'Who is that boring person?', they think. 'I've never before met anyone so boring'. And I'm for her to see how boring I am.
Bill: I fucked them.
Billy Maplewood: What was it like?
Bill: It was... it was great.
Billy Maplewood: Would you do it again?
Helen Jordan: Anyway, so the police came and looked in her freezer and found baggies filled with the doorman's genitals.
Mona: I use baggies.
Joy Jordan: Me too.
Helen Jordan: Everyone uses baggies, that's why we can all relate to this crime. Don't you see?
Trish: How come no matter how much you treat me like shit, I can't help loving you even more?
Mona: You know I wish you had told me this twenty years ago. Now I'm gonna have to get another FUCKING FACELIFT!
Helen Jordan: If only I had been raped as a child! *Then* I would know authenticity!
Bill: Have you tried playing with yourself?
Billy Maplewood: You mean...?
Bill: With your penis?
Billy Maplewood: A little.
Bill: How did it feel?
Billy Maplewood: I don't know? I don't know what to do.
Bill: Do you want me to, uh... show you?
Trish: Oh, I sure hope the kids don't catch whatever he's got.
Allen: [mumbling] I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you'll be coming out of your ears. Fuck you...
Bill: What Ronald Farber doesn't know is that it's not length that matters, it's width.
Trish: Oh, Bill. Please don't get mad at me. I know you hate it when I ask, but... Do you still?
Bill: Yes. Very very much.
Trish: Oh, Bill, and I do too! I'm sorry I need to keep being reminded, it's just...
Bill: I know.
Trish: And we haven't been.
Bill: I know. And it's my fault.
Trish: My fault.