Scott: [both are the Jerry Springer show] How could you do this to me? On national television!
Dr. Evil: Well throw me a freakin' bone here, Scott.
Scott: Why did you run out on me?
Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.
Dr. Evil: Well it's true! It's true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.
[Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar]
Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
Army Sergeant: Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
Baseball Umpire: Two balls.
[looking up from game]
Baseball Umpire: What is that. It looks just like an enormous...
Chinese Teacher: Wang. pay attention.
Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying...
Musician: What's that?
Willie: [squints] Well, that looks like a huge...
Radar Operator: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
Scott: If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's sitting on the crapper or something?
Dr. Evil: How about, no, Scott? Okay?
Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock markets? We could make trillions.
Dr. Evil: Why make a trillion when we could make... billions?
Scott: A trillion's more than a billion, numbnuts.
Austin: [referring to Felicity sleeping with Fat Bastard] Well how could you do it?
Felicity Shagwell: I was just doing my job.
Austin: No, I mean, literally, HOW could you do it? The man's so fat, the sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling.
Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants baby?
Felicity Shagwell: You can start by buying me a drink.
Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore.
The President: What hand? Talk to your hand?
Dr. Evil: You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.
The President: What are you talking about?
Dr. Evil: Don't go there, girlfriend.
Dr. Evil: Mmhmm.
The President: Whose girlfriend?
Dr. Evil: Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mo-fo. I had to pop a cop cause he wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown. No? I've heard that somewhere.
Scott: Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father.
Dr Evil: Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.
Scott: Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
Dr Evil: Probably.
Dr. Evil: Mini-Me, no, we don't gnaw on our kitty. Leave Mini- no! Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth alone. Just love him, stroke him.
Felicity Shagwell: Austin Powers, I presume.
Austin: Powers by name, powers by reputation.
Felicity Shagwell: Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, shag-very-well by reputation.
Austin: Oh, be-have.
Felicity Shagwell: Not if I can help it.
Austin: Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.
Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
Austin: I can guess, baby.
Ivana: We play chess.
Austin: I guessed wrong.
Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?
Radar Operator: No, sir, he got away in that big spaceship that looks like a huge...
Teacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or...
Friendly Dad: Wiener? Any of your kids want another wiener?
Friendly Son: Dad, what's that?
Friendly Dad: I don't know, son, but it has great big...
Peanut Vendor: Nuts. Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some?...
Peanut Vendor: Lord Almighty!
Woman: That looks just like my husband's...
Circus Barker: ONE-EYED MONSTER. Step right up and see the One-eyed Monster!
Cyclops: Hey, what's that? It looks like a...
Fan: Woody. Woody Harrelson. Could I have your autograph?
Woody: Sure. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!
Fan: It's so huge.
Woody: No, I've seen bigger. That's...
Dr. Evil: Just a little prick.
Dr. Evil: Hang on Mini-Me! If anything should happen to you I don't know what I would do.
Dr. Evil: I'd probably move on, get another replica but there would be a 10 minute period there where I would just be inconsolable.
Fat Bastard: [Eying Mini-me] Dr Evil. Let me make you a deal. You get the mojo, and you can keep your money. And I'll get your bay-bay.
Fat Bastard: I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs. I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs.
Young Number Two: Excuse me.
Fat Bastard: *Chili's* baby back ribs.
Dr. Evil: Mini Me, stop humping the "laser". Honest to God! Why don't you and the giant "laser" get a fricken room for God's sakes?
Austin: You shut your mouth, you bastard,
Austin: who is fat.
[Austin picks up a boiling pot, with a stool sample from Fat Bastard inside]
Austin: Cor! This coffee smells like shit!
Basil: It *is* shit, Austin.
Austin: Oh, good. Then it's not just me.
Austin: [Smacks lips] It's a bit nutty.
[Mini Me's chair is malfunctioning and he's thrown into the rafters]
Dr. Evil: Mini Me? Where are you? Could someone put a fricken bell on him or something?
Narrator: Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, was frozen in 1967 and defrosted in the Nineties to battle his nemesis, Dr. Evil. After foiling his archenemy's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth, Austin banished Dr. Evil to the cold recesses of space and settled down with his new wife, Vanessa, to live happily ever after. Or so he thought...
Frau Farbissina: [both on the Springer show] Scott,your are my love child with Dr.Evil.
Scott: I thought I was a test tube baby.
Frau Farbissina: Lies. ALL LIES!
Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: You have to kill me.
Austin: Who sent you?
Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!
Austin: Whose sent you?
Mustafa: Dr. Evil.
Felicity Shagwell: [Surprised] That was easy.
Austin: That was easy.
Felicity Shagwell: Why did you tell us?
Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question three times. It just irritates me.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: Damn, three times. He's hiding in his secret volcano lair.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa: [spits] I spit at that question.
Austin: Do I really have to ask you two more times?
Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.
Austin: Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me!
Felicity Shagwell: Ah ha! You have to answer. He asked you three times.
Mustafa: No no no! The second question was 'Do I really have to ask you two more times?'. So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.
Austin: He's right.
The President: Jiminy Jumpin' Jesus, I can't believe we're gonna pay that madman. I got nukes out the ying-yang. Just let me launch one, for God's sake.
Commander Gilmour: Sir. Are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?
The President: Would you miss it?
[looks around the table]
The President: Would you miss it?
Dr. Evil: Any ways, the key to this plan is the giant laser. It was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons. Therefore, we shall call it the Alan Parsons Project.
Scott: Oh, my God.
Dr. Evil: What now?
Scott: The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just name it 'Operation Wang-Chung'? Ass.
Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, i don't...
Scott: Oh nothing. I'm sure 'Operation Bananarama' will be huge.
Robin Swallows: My name is Robin Swallows.
Austin: Swallows - that's an interesting name.
Robin Swallows: Maiden name's Spitz.
Austin: Which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows?
Dr. Evil: Mr. President, after I destroy Washington D.C... I will destroy another major city every hour on the hour. That is, unless, of course, you pay me...
Dr. Evil: one hundred billion dollars.
The President: [bursts with laughter] Dr. Evil, this is 1969! That amount of money doesn't even exist.
The President: That's like saying,
[with changed voice]
The President: "I want a kajillion bajillion dollars."
Dr. Evil: Scott, I've been a frickin' evil doctor for 30 frickin' years! So cut me some frickin' slack. You forget, Scott, that we're inside a volcanooooo. We're surrounded by liquid hot magma.
Dr. Evil: [Before sex with Frau, takes a drink then pours some of the bottle on the ground] One for me, and one for my homies.
Dr. Evil: As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
Scott: Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you're a big dope?
Dr. Evil: The moon unit will be divided into two divisions: Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.
[Driving on an English road]
Austin: You know what's remarkable? Is how much England looks in no way like Southern California.
Robin Swallows: Tell me, Mr. Powers. Do you swing?
Austin: Are you kidding, baby? I put the "grrrr" in swinger, baby! Yeah!
Dr. Evil: Mojo: The libido. The life force. The essence. The right stuff. What the French call a certain... I don't know what.
Ivana: When did you get "The Clapper"?
Austin: November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave.
Dr. Evil: [deep voice] Austin, I'm your father.
Dr. Evil: No, not really. I can't back that up.
Austin: Right. Idiot. Yes.
Fat Bastard: Of course I'm not happy! Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead.
[on the verge of tears]
Fat Bastard: I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive... myself.
Fat Bastard: [Farts] Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead.
Dr. Evil: [about his new "laser"] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott: Oh, nothing, Darth.
Dr. Evil: What did you call me?
Scott: [pretends to sneeze] Ripoff.
Dr. Evil: Bless you.
Austin: How does that feel, baby?
Felicity Shagwell: Mmm, lower.
Austin: [deep voice] How does that feel, baby?
[Dr. Evil sings to Mini Me, to the tune of "Just the two of us"]
Dr. Evil: From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone, I knew that I'd be safe cuz I'd never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings, my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing. I'd hoped Scott would look up to me, run the business of the family, head an evil empire just like his dear old dad, give him my love and the things I never had. Scott would think I was a cool guy, return the love I have, make me want to cry, be evil, but have my feelings too, change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou. But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie, life is cruel, treats you unfairly, even so, a God there must be, Mini Me, you complete me.
Felicity Shagwell: So Austin tell me about the future.
Austin: Well everyone has their own flying car, entire meals come in pill form, and the Earth is run by DAMN DIRTY APES.
Felicity Shagwell: Oh My God.
Fat Bastard: [to Mini Me] I'm bigger than you and higher up the food chain. Get in my belly.
Ivana: My name is Ivana, Ivana Humpalot.
Austin: Come again?
Ivana: Ivana Humpalot.
Austin: Well I vana toilet made out of solid gold, but it's just not in the cards now is it?
Fat Bastard: First things first: WHERE'S YOUR SHITTER? I've got a turtle-head poking out.
Dr. Evil: Charming
Fat Bastard: I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Aww, it's SQUIDGY. Christ, I'm gettin' all emotional from it, ya know?
Felicity Shagwell: I want to see what happens in the 70s and 80s.
Austin: The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything, believe me. I've looked into it. There's a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it.
Fat Bastard: [after Felicity kicks Fat Bastard in the crotch] Owwww... Right in the mummy-daddy button.
Felicity Shagwell: That's for calling me crap you fatty!
Fat Bastard: Listen Missy, would you fancy another go? 'Cause once you've had fat, you never go back! Ha ha ha!
Fat Bastard: [about Mini-me] Jesus Christ, he's tiny! I've had bigger chunks of corn in my crap.
Colonel: We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are VITAL to the country. Be on special alert.
Fat Bastard: Yes Sir.
Colonel: And, uh, try to lose some weight, for God's sake.
Fat Bastard: Yes Sir.
[Under his breath]
Fat Bastard: Mister English Colonel tellin' me to lose weight. "Oh, I'm a hard case" he says.
Fat Bastard: Well, listen up, sonny Jim: I ate a baby. Oh, aye, Baby: the other, other white meat. Baby: it's what's for dinner.
[repeated line after photography sessions]
Austin: And I'm spent.
Vanessa Kensington: Do you smoke after sex?
Austin: I don't know, baby, I never looked.
[Dr. Evil's rotating chair is out of control]
Dr. Evil: The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
Dr. Evil: [Mini-Me is carried off into the rocket] Take special care of him.
[choking up with tears]
Dr. Evil: He's my special boy!
Jerry Springer: You know, what have we learned here today? Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo. You can look around all you want, but what you're really trying to find is on the inside. Take care of yourself, and each other.
Austin: [about to have a threesome with Felicity and his past self] Paging Dr. Freud!
Mustafa: Hello, out there! Is the movie over? I'm still down here, and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. Oh! The pain is really quite severe. I fashioned a makeshift splint. Here goes nothing!
[the splint snaps; Mustafa screams and hits the ground]
Austin: Hello, Mummy. Can I have some chocolates? I want some Mars Bars. Don't smack my bottom, Mummy...
Felicity Shagwell: Austin?
Austin: Sorry, love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows.
Dr. Evil: [singing while playing the piano] What if god was one of us / Just a slob like one of us / Blue blue blue blue blue blue blue / Bla bla bli bli bli.
Dr. Evil: Thank you, yes, thank you. I wrote that.
Austin: [the guard has just fallen in molten lava] What a... burn?
Austin: That sort of thing could get a man... fired?
Austin: I think he was... hot... for... you?
Felicity Shagwell: That's enough.
Dr. Evil: Number Two, you look so healthy, and youthful. Frau, you look so... right.
Frau Farbissina: I will never love another man.
Dr. Evil: [remembers Unibrau] That's true.
Austin: I've lost my mojo.
Felicity Shagwell: Oh, so that's why you...
Austin: Yes! Yes!
Felicity Shagwell: [smiles] I thought you didn't like me!
Austin: Oh no, baby. You're very shagadelic. I just didn't want to fall in love again, and I thought you'd never love me without my mojo. It's not you. You're fab, you're switched on, you're a bit of alright! YES!
Austin: I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy, was a fembot all along. Wait a tick, that means I'm single again! Oh behave!
Austin: Let me ask you a question. And be honest. Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I make you *randy*?
Ivana: [gets up from the table] No more games. Dr. Evil sent me here to kill you, but I find you so
Ivana: sexy! Just make love to me. Now, Austin Powervich! Hurry!
[Austin rips his shirt open]
Ivana: Oh, you are hairy like *animal*!
Austin: Grr, baby! Very grr!
Ivana: Make love to me, monkey man!
Austin: Wait a tick. Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, presumeably, I could go back and visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and traveled back to...
Austin: Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.
Basil: I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself.
Basil: That goes for you all, too.
Dr Evil: Well, looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers. Save the world, or save your girlfriend.
Felicity Shagwell: Austin!
Past Austin: Felicity!
Felicity Shagwell: Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!
Austin: [arrives from the time machine] I choose love baby!
Past Austin: Wait a tick. Who are you?
Austin: I'm you ten minutes from now.
Past Austin: Damn it. You are handsome, baby, yeah!
Austin: [laughs] I was just thinking the same.
Past Austin: We are sexy!
Austin: We are sexy bitches, yes!
Dr Evil: Alright, this is re-goddamn-diculous. Kill them both!
Dr. Evil: [Stealing the globe on the Jerry Springer show] The world is mine! The world is mine ya motherf***ers!
Rebecca Romijn: Austin Powers, I've heard a lot about you. I'm Rebecca Romijn. I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Austin: Well, of course you haven't had... the pleasure, Rebecca. We just met, baby, yeah.
Austin: [shooting photos] OK, you're an animal! Yes, there we go. You're a tiger! You're Tony the Tiger! You're grrreat! Very good. Loving it. Now you're a lemur. Running as a pack. We go left. We go right. There's a predator out of the jungle. What's going on? Burrow! That's right, you're a lemur. That's all you've got. You don't have sharp teeth capable of biting. Make an interconnected series of tunnels like the Viet Cong. And look. I'm not even shooting you. It's crazy. And I'm spent.
[gives away a camera]
Dr. Evil: Don't worry, mama. Things won't get weird.
Dr. Evil: It got weird, didn't it?
Frau Farbissina: Ya.
Dr. Evil: Yeah. Right. I knew it.
[Checking to make sure his groin is intact after surviving an explosion]
Austin: Oh thank God.
Austin: [Answering a call after the Vanessa fembot explodes] Hello Basil.
Basil: Hello, Austin. How was your honeymoon?
Austin: It turns out that Vanessa was a fembot.
Basil: Yes. We knew all along, sadly.
[Then, without pausing for a moment]
Basil: Anyway, I have a new assignment for you.