Dean Richmond: Deals come and go. Wellman will always be Wellman. But you know what bothers me? I walking down the street and this 8-year old boy says, Look Mommy, there's the Hamster's BITCH!
Sherman Klump: Buddy Love, I am SICK, and TIRED, of your S-H...
Dean Richmond: I.
Sherman Klump: Thank you. T-E!
Buddy Love: Oh, ho-ho-ho. My shite?
[Sherman is serenading Denise with the assistance of a crap Mexican band]
Sherman: Denise will you...
Buddy: Hey Sherman. You hear me Sherman?
Sherman: ...Denise will ya? Will ya? Let me come up there and put my beef in your taco?
Mexican band: ...Put his beef in your taco!
Sherman: No, no...
Granny Klump: You better eat up Isaac, 'cause you gonna need your strength. Yeah, later on, me and Isaac gonna watch "Mating Season on the Serengeti." Doesn't take a lot to get Isaac going
Papa Klump: Timeout! Let me call a timeout on that
Mama Klump: Lord, my, my.
Papa Klump: I don't want to hear about you old-ass geriatrics.
Granny Klump: Oh, yeah Cletus? Me and Isaac might be dried up geriatrics, but ain't nothing wrong with Isaac'a love tackle.
[Table falls silent]
Ernie Klump: Oh snap, now.
Granny Klump: What's a matter Cletus, cat got your tongue? Did I step on a nerve Cletus? I get ya, got ya, got ya!
Grandma Klump: Hey Cletus, who dat der piece of bisghetti remind you of? Maybe Mr. Johnson perhaps?
Grandma Klump: Come on Cletus, come on right now! But I'm gonna tell you something, I gotta a razor in this here bag.
Papa Klump: Oh yeah? Well let me tell you something, that ain't even no bag you got in your hand, that's your titty.
Mama Klump: Cletus!
Papa Klump: She's an old bag with old bag tittie.
Ernie Klump: [quietly to Ernie Jr] Heh, he called Grandma a titty bag.
[Isaac, Granny's boyfriend, walks to the dinner table]
Papa Klump: Well, if it isn't the world's oldest living Negro! Hey how's things going on the Underground Railroad, Isaac?
Grandma Klump: The other day I got out the shower and I bend down to reach for a towel, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Shot through my chest and up around my shoulder and down my spine. I thought "Oh, Lord." I thought I was dying. I bent over and looked, and I was standing on my own titty.
Mama Klump: You don't need a breast reduction, just be more careful.
Grandma Klump: Both feet, too. Both feet.
Grandma Klump: Does Cletus know I'm strapped?
Papa Klump: Come on, shoot.
Grandma Klump: I'm strapped, nigga!
[the chorus just finished singing 'Happy Day']
Ernie Klump: Happy day, happy day, happy day, my ass.
Denise: [persistent] Sherman, look at me! Who am I?
Sherman Klump: Ah, pretty lady!
Denise: [sobbing] Oh, honey! It's going to be okay, I'll take care of you.
Sherman Klump: [at same time] Yeah, nice lady!
Papa Klump: Come on, lets get him home.
Mama Klump: [Answering door] Oh my, goodness! Is there a fire?
Fireman Stripper: Yes ma'am. I'm afraid there is.
Mama Klump: I don't smell no smoke.
Fireman Stripper: [Walks in and beings playing music from stereo] There's a fire in my pants, and it's getting muy caliente!
[laugh and clap]
Papa Klump: What *I* do in *my* bedroom is *MY* business, you understand that?
Grandma Klump: The only thing you do in your bedroom is pull the lint off your scrotum!
Grandma Klump: Now that's what I call the Muy Caliente El Negro Special!
Papa Klump: Viagra don't work for me. I've been taking 'em like M&Ms.
Papa Klump: What's the matter with you, woman? Don't you wanna be young?
Mama Klump: No, Cletus, I don't wanna be young! Cletus, we supposed to be who we are! But I guess what you're trying to say is that you're just TIRED of the fat old woman that you got married to!
Papa Klump: You wanna know what's permanent Sherman? You know what's permanent? What me and your momma got. That's permanent. That ain't going no place. If you find you a woman that loves you, that really really loves you, you gotta hold onto that Sherman.
Dean Richmond: Not so fast, pal. I'm not letting you out of my sight until both our names are on that contract. I'm gonna be stuck to you like a giant hampster on my a -... Where you go, I go.
Buddy Love: Well if it isn't the creator of Jumbo the Horny Hampster!
Dean Richmond: PLEASE!
Jason: You're losing your intelligence, sir.
Sherman Klump: Yeah, I know. I can't even beat Molly and she's the dumbest hampster we got!
Sherman Klump: You know it's funny how you get used to certain things. You get used to being overweight. You even get used to people making fun of you. Somewhere along the line I got used to being alone. I just don't want to be alone anymore.
Denise: Sherman you're very special to me.
Sherman Klump: [laughs, embarrassed and flattered] I didn't think you and I would ever, you know... How can I put it? 'Cos I'm...
Sherman Klump: Yeah, I was gonna say 'fat,' but 'big' is better.
Denise: Sherman, that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that you're kind and decent. You are the most brilliant man I've ever known. And speaking of which, I shouldn't keep you from your research, so I'll catch up with you later?
Sherman Klump: Okay, I'll see you soon.
Sherman Klump: [to himself] My goodness.
Buddy Love: So that's where Sherman's hiding the formula. Klumpville. Chunky town. Big-ass city! Heh heh heh!
Papa Klump: Would you *please* put your clothes back on? You look like a roast chicken!
Sherman Klump: I never... never wanted to hurt you. Understand? I thought that if you knew Buddy was a part of me, you wouldn't have me.
Denise: Oh my God, Sherman.
Sherman Klump: I should've had more faith in you. Should've had more faith in myself.
Grandma Klump: Cletus, have you ever heard of the expression 'mercy hump'?
Papa Klump: Say what?
[Chantel laughs loudly]
Grandma Klump: 'Cause that's what you've been getting all these years - mercy humps.
Mama Klump: Mama, don't start! Stop it!
Papa Klump: You outta your goddamn mind. Let me tell you something...
Chantal: [laughs] He ain't got nothin' but a limp doodle!
[Anna gasps as Cletus grows offended, Chantel stops laughing]
Chantal: Oops, sorry.
Grandma Klump: [to Cletus, laughs] God'll getcha!
Denise's Nosy Neighbor: [to Sherman] Pervert! 'Beef in your taco'!
[after Cletus grows angry after Chantel said he has a limp doodle]
Mama Klump: Cletus! Cletus, I only told her 'cause she's got so much experience in sexual matters.
Papa Klump: [furiously] I ain't nothin' but a big damn joke to you, ain't I, Anna! Why don't you tell the whole world: 'my husband ain't nothin' but a big ol' pile of worthless crap'!
Mama Klump: [sadly] Cletus! Cletus!
Buddy Love: Sherman Klump. Well, you still eat those happy meals, you haven't changed a bit. You remember me, it's Buddy Love, we both used to chase that girl Carla at the same time.
Sherman Klump: Miss Purty and I were just friends.
Buddy Love: Just friends, huh?
[Looks at Denise]
Buddy Love: Well, who's your new friend? Oh you're fine. What's your name?
Buddy Love: [his last words, climbs a fountain as he is dying] Alright, tubby... let's see how long you last... without me...
[he evaporates on the side]
[Sherman and Dean look at what's left of Buddy by the fountain]
Dean Richmond: What - that's it? He's gone?
[Sherman stutters at a loss for words]
Dean Richmond: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-what? Oh, that's marvelous!
[Sherman continues as they sit by the fountain]
Dean Richmond: The deal is dead you know that. I've been calling you a moron for years, now you're finally...
[he stops realizing he said enough]
Dean Richmond: [leaves] I'll just get a cab.
Papa Klump: If I want to put a trumpet in my ass and run around this restaurant and blow, then "Hallelujah!Yankee Doodle!" that's my business!