Dean Richmond: Deals come and go. Wellman will always be Wellman. But you know what bothers me? I walking down the street and this 8-year old boy says, Look Mommy, there's the Hamster's BITCH!
Sherman Klump: Buddy Love, I am SICK, and TIRED, of your S-H...
Dean Richmond: I.
Sherman Klump: Thank you. T-E!
Buddy Love: Oh, ho-ho-ho. My shite?
Granny Klump: You better eat up Isaac, 'cause you gonna need your strength. Yeah, later on, me and Isaac gonna watch "Mating Season on the Serengeti." Doesn't take a lot to get Isaac going
Papa Klump: Timeout! Let me call a timeout on that
Mama Klump: Lord, my, my.
Papa Klump: I don't want to hear about you old-ass geriatrics.
Granny Klump: Oh, yeah Cletus? Me and Isaac might be dried up geriatrics, but ain't nothing wrong with Isaac'a love tackle.
[Table falls silent]
Ernie Klump: Oh snap, now.
Granny Klump: What's a matter Cletus, cat got your tongue? Did I step on a nerve Cletus? I get ya, got ya, got ya!
Grandma Klump: Come on Cletus, come on right now! But I'm gonna tell you something, I gotta a razor in this here bag.
Papa Klump: Oh yeah? Well let me tell you something, that ain't even no bag you got in your hand, that's your titty.
Mama Klump: Cletus!
Papa Klump: She's an old bag with old bag tittie.
Ernie Klump: [quietly to Ernie Jr] Heh, he called Grandma a titty bag.
Grandma Klump: The other day I got out the shower and I bend down to reach for a towel, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Shot through my chest and up around my shoulder and down my spine. I thought "Oh, Lord." I thought I was dying. I bent over and looked, and I was standing on my own titty.
Mama Klump: You don't need a breast reduction, just be more careful.
Grandma Klump: Both feet, too. Both feet.
Grandma Klump: Does Cletus know I'm strapped?
Papa Klump: Come on, shoot.
Grandma Klump: I'm strapped, nigga!
[the chorus just finished singing 'Happy Day']
Ernie Klump: Happy day, happy day, happy day, my ass.
Papa Klump: What *I* do in *my* bedroom is *MY* business, you understand that?
Grandma Klump: The only thing you do in your bedroom is pull the lint off your scrotum!
Grandma Klump: Now that's what I call the Muy Caliente El Negro Special!
Papa Klump: You wanna know what's permanent, Sherman? You know what's permanent? I'll tell you. What me and your momma got. That's permanent. That ain't going no place. You know what I mean? I'll tell you, boy, if you find you a woman that loves you, that really really loves you, you gotta hold onto that Sherman.
Sherman Klump: Yeah, it's true, Daddy. Yeah, I know I sure do love Denise.
Papa Klump: Well, then y'all gotta get back together then!
Sherman Klump: Get back together... Daddy, that's it! Get back together!
Papa Klump: Yeah! That's right!
Sherman Klump: If we get back together, then that'll make everything okay!
Papa Klump: Dynamite! Go and call the girl!
Sherman Klump: No, not Denise, I'm talking about Buddy!
Papa Klump: Say what?
Sherman Klump: If me and Buddy get back together, that'll make everything fine between me and Denise!
Papa Klump: Hey, you just took the wrong off-ramp!
Sherman Klump: I can use the youth formula. I'll feed it to Buddy. It'll make him so young. I'll turn him back into Goop. And I ingest it... I eat it! I eat it!
Papa Klump: Huh? Say what now?
Sherman Klump: That's it! Daddy, that'll work! I wouldn't have even thought about that. This is fantastic!
Papa Klump: What are you gonna eat? Sherman!
Jason: You're losing your intelligence, sir.
Sherman Klump: Yeah, I know. I can't even beat Molly and she's the dumbest hampster we got!
Jason: Professor? You okay?
Sherman Klump: Yeah. I just don't wanna hurt her, Jason.
Jason: Then you won't. Hey, you CAN control Buddy.
Sherman Klump: You know it's funny how you get used to certain things in life. You get used to being overweight. I know I did. You even get used to people making fun of you. Somewhere along the line, I got used to being alone. And I just don't want to be alone anymore.
Denise: Sherman you're very special to me.
Sherman Klump: [laughs, embarrassed and flattered] I didn't think you and I would ever, you know... How can I put it? 'Cos I'm...
Sherman Klump: Yeah, I was gonna say 'fat,' but 'big' is better.
Denise: Sherman, that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that you're kind and decent. You are the most brilliant man I've ever known. And speaking of which, I shouldn't keep you from your research, so I'll catch up with you later?
Sherman Klump: Okay, I'll see you soon.
Sherman Klump: [to himself] My goodness.
Buddy Love: So that's where Sherman's hiding the formula. Klumpville. Chunky town. Big-ass city! Heh heh heh!
Papa Klump: Would you *please* put your clothes back on? You look like a roast chicken!
Sherman Klump: [to Denise] I just want to say I'm sorry. I never... never wanted to hurt you. Understand? I thought that if you knew Buddy was a part of me, I thought that you wouldn't have me then.
Sherman Klump: Hear me out... I should've had more faith in you. Should've had more faith in myself. But I...
Denise: Sherman? Sherman, what's wrong? Sherman!
Papa Klump: C'mon, can't you hear, son?
Denise: [persistent] Sherman, look at me! Who am I?
Sherman Klump: [without memory] Pretty lady!
Denise: [sobbing] Oh, honey!
Denise: It's going to be okay, I'll take care of you.
Sherman Klump: [gleefully, at same time] Oh, that's nice! Nice.
Papa Klump: Come on, let's get the boy home.
Sherman Klump: Nice lady!
Grandma Klump: Cletus, have you ever heard of the expression 'mercy hump'?
Papa Klump: Say what?
[Chantel laughs loudly]
Grandma Klump: 'Cause that's what you've been getting all these years - mercy humps.
Mama Klump: Mama, don't start! Stop it!
Papa Klump: You outta your goddamn mind. Let me tell you something...
Chantal: [laughs] He ain't got nothin' but a limp doodle!
[Anna gasps as Cletus grows offended, Chantel stops laughing]
Chantal: Oops, sorry.
Grandma Klump: [to Cletus, laughs] God'll getcha!
Mama Klump: Clesius!
[to Chantal and Grandma]
Mama Klump: Oh, look what you've done! Oh.
Chantal: Oh... I...
Papa Klump: You girls are crazy. I'm leaving. I don't believe it.
Mama Klump: Oh, Clesius, Clesius, wait! Clesius! Oh, Clesius! Cletus, I only told her 'cause she's got so much experience in sexual matters.
Papa Klump, Mama Klump, Chantal: [furiously] I ain't nothin' but a big damn joke to you, ain't I, Anna! Why don't you tell the whole world: 'my husband ain't nothin' but a big ol' pile of worthless crap'!
Mama Klump: [sadly] Cletus! Cletus! Oh!
Denise's Nosy Neighbor: [to Sherman] Pervert! 'Beef in your taco'!
Buddy Love: Sherman Klump. Well, you still eat those happy meals, you haven't changed a bit. You remember me, it's Buddy Love, we both used to chase that girl Carla at the same time.
Sherman Klump: Miss Purty and I were just friends.
Buddy Love: Just friends, huh?
[Looks at Denise]
Buddy Love: Well, who's your new friend? Oh you're fine. What's your name?
Buddy Love: [his last words, climbs a fountain as he is dying] Alright, tubby... let's see how long you last... without me...
[he evaporates on the side]
[Sherman and Dean look at what's left of Buddy by the fountain]
Dean Richmond: What - that's it? He's gone?
[Sherman stutters at a loss for words]
Dean Richmond: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-what? Oh, that's marvelous!
[Sherman continues as they sit by the fountain]
Dean Richmond: The deal is dead you know that. I've been calling you a moron for years, now you're finally...
[he stops realizing he said enough]
Dean Richmond: [leaves] I'll just get a cab.
Papa Klump: If I want to put a trumpet in my ass and run around this restaurant and blow, then "Hallelujah!Yankee Doodle!" that's my business!
Papa Klump: [to Ernie Jr. who just belched in a restaurant] Hey, look, your grandpa ate a whole plate of beans before we came down here, you don't see me sitting here doing the old butt trumpet, do you?
Sherman Klump: Um, sir, if it makes you feel any better, Petey is back to normal and feeling just fine.
Dean Richmond: Oh yeah? D'YOU THINK HE'LL CALL?
Sherman Klump: Dean, I just want to tell you, I'm - I'm sorry...
Dean Richmond: STOP... SPEAKING!
Sherman Klump: I just want to go on record as saying that -
Dean Richmond: Shh, shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh. I've been looking forward to saying something to you for years. And here it is: You're FAT!
Dean Richmond: And dumb...!
[Denise enters the room]
Dean Richmond: ...and fired.
[Dean Richmond leaves]
Papa Klump: [after Denise finds out about Buddy Love] What's going on with you, Sherman and Buddy, some kind of menage a trois or something?
Buddy Love: Just when you thought it was safe to go back into theaters...
[Sherman is serenading Denise with the assistance of a crap Mexican band]
Sherman: Denise will you...
Buddy: Hey Sherman. You hear me Sherman?
Sherman: ...Denise will ya? Will ya? Let me come up there and put my beef in your taco?
Mexican band: [singing] Put his beef in your taco!
Sherman: [Buddy cackles, Sherman's conscious comes back] Oh, no! No, no, no...
Sherman: That's not what I meant to say, Denise! That was just a little joke! I just wanted to see if you wanted to go out and get some Mexican food. That's why I said that.
Denise: Well I am kind of hungry, but I'm not-...
Sherman: Yeah, you are huh? Yeah, I bet you could stand for a big ol' whopper right now, huh?
Mexican band: [singing] A big ole whopper right now!
Denise's Nosy Neighbor: You're sick!
Sherman: Yeah, I got to tell you, I'm a Jumbo Jack man myself, if you know what I mean. Yeah and I'm loaded with secret sauce! Yeah, come on!
[Sherman does a perverted dance in front of a shocked Denise, and falls to the ground, sexually humping it]
Sherman: Bang that thing up! Yeah, come on! Come on! Make it funky!
Denise's Nosy Neighbor: You're gonna ruin my lawn, you pervert!
Grandma Klump: Hey Cletus, who dat der piece of bisghetti remind you of? Maybe Mr. Johnson perhaps?
[Isaac, Granny's boyfriend, walks to the dinner table]
Papa Klump: Well, if it isn't the world's oldest living Negro! Hey how's things going on the Underground Railroad, Isaac?
Mama Klump: [Answering door] Oh my, goodness! Is there a fire?
Fireman Stripper: Yes ma'am. I'm afraid there is.
Mama Klump: I don't smell no smoke.
Fireman Stripper: [Walks in and beings playing music from stereo] There's a fire in my pants, and it's getting muy caliente!
[laugh and clap]
Mama Klump: Ooh! Lord, have mercy! A strip - Oh, my! My mother must've arranged this!
Papa Klump: Viagra don't work for me. I've been taking 'em like M&Ms.
Papa Klump: What's wrong with you, woman? Don't you wanna be young?
Mama Klump: No, Cletus, I don't wanna be young! Cletus, we supposed to be who we are and I'm just fine with who I am! But obviously, what you're trying to say is that you're just TIRED of the fat old woman that you got married to!
Papa Klump: Oh no, Anna, that's not what I'm saying! That's ain't what I'm saying at all, Anna - !
Mama Klump: [sobbing] Downstairs!
Papa Klump: Anna, please! Don't baby, I'm just trying to - !
Mama Klump: I think you better sleep downstairs, Cletus!
Papa Klump: But I...!
Mama Klump: Downstairs, Cletus! I don't want to hear it!
Mama Klump: Oh, Cletus, I'm so disappointed in you!