Free Enterprise (1998)
[Shatner just asked Robert why he started the fight]
Young Robert: Well... it was something he said.
Imaginary William Shatner: What'd he say?
Young Robert: You really don't want to know.
Imaginary William Shatner: I really do want to know!
Young Robert: He said that Han Solo was cooler than Captain Kirk.
Imaginary William Shatner: Kick the little fucker's ass.
Imaginary William Shatner: I'm not really here. I'm one of the top ten imaginary friends kids have. Just behind John Travolta, Reggie Jackson, and Farrah Fawcett-Majors.
Young Mark: So you're saying I should engage my advanced-for-a-twelve-year-old intellect and use logic?
Imaginary William Shatner: Logic is the other guy's schtick, but yes.
[Young Robert was in a fight with a larger kid while wearing a gold Starfleet uniform, when William Shatner appears to him]
Imaginary William Shatner: I think I ought to tell you that that, uh, Aryan youth is gonna kick you into oblivion.
Young Robert: But what about in "Arena" when Kirk fought the Gorn? That giant lizard monster was three times as big as him!
Imaginary William Shatner: My boy, that was a TV show. I used a stunt double. I always use a stunt double. Except in love scenes. I insist on doing those myself.
Young Robert: Well, what would you do to avoid a fight?
Imaginary William Shatner: I wouldn't dress like a geek. Gold is not your color. Think earth tones.
Claire: Where are you going?
Robert: Looks like I'm going nowhere.
Claire: Don't you fucking quote Star Wars at me!
Mark: Do you wish Rhett never loved Scarlett? Rick didn't have Ilsa or Harry never loved Sally? Someone once said it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Succeed or fail, we must make the attempt, it's our nature. Now if it were up to me, as it usually is, I would order this. But its not. Because Claire is right in pointing out the enormous danger potential in any relationship with a man as intelligent but fantastically flakey as Robert. But I must point out the possibilities, the potential, for true love and happiness are equally great. Risk... risk is our business. That's what relationships are all about. That's why we're out there.
Claire: When are you going to start living in the present instead of the 24th century?
Robert: I would never live in the 24th century! I fucking HATE "The Next Generation". Only classic!
Robert: Joy unto you, peace and serenity, you are not of the body, would you calm the fuck down already?
Mark: You're losing it. A year ago you'd already be re-enacting the kitchen scene from "9 1/2 Weeks". 'Course, my own sex life's more like 8 1/2 Weeks - Fellini meets Psycho. Scary.
Mark: A musical Julius Ceasar is quite possibly the worst idea I've heard since New Coke.
Robert: Jesus Christ, no kidding. My girlfriend bails on me and then I find out that the man I've idolized since I was two turns out to be a raving loon! I can't believe my life.
Mark: I usually can't believe your life either. But Shatner's dementia is no reason to give up the gospel of the original series!
Robert: Ok the man that we just met is not the man who invented the Corbomite Manuever, or the man who almost died defeating the Doomsday Machine.
Mark: Let it go. Separate the art from the artist. This is L.A., nobody's ever who they appear to be. Other than John Tesh, who's probably exactly who he appears to be.
Robert: No, no no, I'm sorry. Shatner is, was and ever shall be Kirk to me. I need my hero.
Mark: What you need is a bank account.
Robert: I don't believe it. It's Bill.
Mark: Okay, just be cool, don't stare, you'll go blind.
Robert: And he's perusing porno. All right! I gotta go over there and talk to him, man!
Mark: A... wha... wha... no. All over the world, from as far off as the Caspian sea, people have been running up to Bill and acting like idiots. Why must you be one of them?
Robert: Because NOW it's MY turn! I mean, don't you want to go over there and talk to him and see what he's like? I mean William Shatner made us who we are today!
Mark: Do you want to insult the man? Respect his space.
Robert: I do respect his space: it's the final frontier...
Mark: Just... just be dignified. You know, don't do anything stupid.
Munchkin Beth: What is your problem tonight?
Mark: My problem? I don't have a problem. You on the other hand are an insufferable spoiled brat who can only talk about herself. I mean, the biggest joke is that you have more problems than anyone I know, yet you want to become a therapist. What are you going to do: counsel people to kill themselves? Because that's what I feel like doing after listening to you whine for an hour.
Munchkin Beth: Is that what you really feel?
Mark: Yes it is. Now if you don't mind, can we go back to your apartment and have sex, please, because I'm very tired and have a lot of work to do.
Robert: I *hate* the fact that women do not give a shit how anything looks or sounds, as long as they can sing along with the lyrics.
Leila: [disgusted little noise]
Robert: All right, I'm sorry - I get a little carried away sometimes. But you know what, I can say the exact same thing about women and their obsession with their shoes.
Leila: That's a sexist comment.
Robert: Is it?
Robert: How many pairs of shoes do you have in your closet?
Leila: I don't know. Maybe, um...
Robert: I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. What was that?
Robert: FIFTY-TH - and you're calling *me* crazy?
Leila: I don't know! Fifty-two, maybe? I'm, I'm not sure.
Robert: Whatever, Imelda! That's totally obscene! I've got two pairs of sneakers, a pair of Docs, and a pair of boots, that's it!
Leila: I don't expect you to understand.
Robert: Of course not, because it's totally ridiculous.
Leila: You can wear shoes; they're practical.
Robert: Oh yeah, but can you wear 53 pairs? It's like women with a $30,000 engagement ring.
Leila: What's wrong with that?
Robert: Oh, come on. You know if it doesn't have airlock brakes and a passenger side airbag, it's *not* worth thirty K.
Dan: Maybe she's like Catherine Tremell in "Basic Instinct", you know? One day she's just going to plunge an ice pick into his nose.
Mark: He'd probably enjoy that. Killed by a naked blonde who doesn't wear underwear to the strains of a Jerry Goldsmith score. Come to think of it, I'd sort of dig that myself.
Mark's Mom: Mark, Mark, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to go to that movie - that "Star Track" movie.
Young Mark: Oh, Mom, how many times do I have to tell you? "Track" is what a train goes on, okay? "Trek" is what the Enterprise goes on, okay?
Mark's Mom: Yeah, and they say the pain of childbirth ends with labor.
Eric: Robert. Dude. Great party but... where are all your friends of color?
Robert: Hello, Tricia.
Tricia: Brian, this is Robert.
Brian: Oh right. The Trekkie, right?
Robert: Fuck you both.
Robert: [explaining why he's familiar with the Alvarez Hypothesis] The only reason I know that is because that's what almost happened in The Paradise Syndrome when Kirk lost his memory and became an Indian god.
Robert: [repeated pickup line] Is that Mac lipstick that you're wearing?
Mark: [when Rob is crushed that Bill is nothing like Captain Kirk] Let it go. Separate the art from the artist. This is L.A. Nobody's ever who they appear to be.
Dan: [trying to pick up a waitress] I was going to write my phone number on the check.
Mark: That's romantic. Why not just leave an engagement ring with the valet while you're at it?
Bill: Guys, you gotta mix a little reality in with your imagination to achieve happiness in your life. And you've gotta overcome your programming - which in your case is a thirty-year-old television show.