Lake Placid (1999)
Sheriff Hank Keough: Ma'am, your husband Bernie, you didn't by any chance lead him to the lake blindfolded?
Mrs. Bickerman: If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it!
Mrs. Bickerman: Murders and rapes in the city, people bomb planes, can the police stop 'em? No! But feed one little cow to a crocodile...
Sheriff Hank Keough: You're gonna stay right here until the police show. You're under full house arrest.
Mrs. Bickerman: Thank you, officer fuck-meat!
[Upon finding a decaying toe]
Hector: Is this the man that was killed?
Sheriff Hank Keough: He seemed... taller.
Sheriff Hank Keough: I... I... I never heard of a crocodile crossing an ocean.
Hector Cyr: Well, they conceal information like that in books.
Mrs. Bickerman: I'm rooting for the crocodile. I hope he swallows your friends whole. You might want to arrest me for that too. Is that a crime? To wish the chewing of law enforcement?
[Hector Cyr is preparing to SCUBA dive to look for the crocodile]
Sheriff Hank Keough: I brought a pork chop for luck. Maybe you could hang it around your neck.
Hector Cyr: That's sweet. Maybe later you can chew the bark off my big fat log.
Kelly Scott: The lake is so black and still.
Sheriff Hank Keough: Yeah, we wanted to call it Lake Placid, but someone said that name was taken.
Hector Cyr: Sheriff, think about being rich. My parents had the added luxury of ditching me off at karate school on a regular basis. I *am* a brown belt, go ahead, take your best shot, take your best...
[Hank punches him in the nose, knocks him down]
Sheriff Hank Keough: [to Jack] He said he knew karate.
Jack Wells: You hit him.
Sheriff Hank Keough: I did, yeah.
Hector Cyr: Did he say "go"? Aren't you supposed to say "go" in karate? You're supposed to say "go"!
Hector Cyr: What'd Bickerman say?
Jack Wells: Well, she didn't want to tell us about the second croc 'cause she was afraid we'd blow its head off.
Sheriff Hank Keough: Women's intuition.
Kelly Scott: I don't do field and even if I did... Maine? I'm allergic to timber!
Sheriff Hank Keough: Tents were sent ahead. Should already be set up by the time we get there.
Kelly Scott: Tents? We're staying in TENTS?
Sheriff Hank Keough: I told you, two days we'd have to camp.
Kelly Scott: Yes! Camp! But I thought that meant Ramada Inn. I never heard tents! Will there be toilets?
Jack Wells: Maybe we should just take you back.
Kelly Scott: Why? Because I prefer toilets?
Kelly Scott: Maybe I should just wipe myself with some leafy little piece of poison oak. And then I can spend the whole day scratchin' my ass, blendin' in with the natives.
Mrs. Bickerman: I'm rooting for the crocodile. I hope he swallows your friends whole.
Hector: You got to fire your big gun. Did it meet your expectations?
Sheriff Hank Keough: Overrated.
Sheriff Hank Keough: Crocodiles can't swim in salt water.
Hector Cyr: Yeah, well, that'll be your little secret.
Kelly Scott: What kind of backup do we have?
Sheriff Hank Keough: We?
Kelly Scott: What?
Sheriff Hank Keough: Well, I'm a little unclear as to why the museum would send somebody here.
Kelly Scott: You got a thing against museums?
Sheriff Hank Keough: Naw, I got nothin' against museums.
Kelly Scott: Ever been in one?
Sheriff Hank Keough: We're saved! The museum in New York just sent us some additional backup.
Kelly Scott: Kelly Scott.
Jack Wells: Jack Wells.
Kelly Scott: Hi.
Jack Wells: Eh, some museum sent ya', huh?
Kelly Scott: What, are we all museum bigots in Maine?
Sheriff Hank Keough: She's rude sarcastic. You two should get along.
Jack Wells: It's not a science trip.
Kelly Scott: Could you be a little more condescending? 'Cause I'm not real great with subtlety.
Jack Wells: Something in that lake killed somebody, all right? I appreciate your trying to help. I'm really glad that you... brought the RAID.
Kelly Scott: There, that's better.
Jack Wells: Ma'am...
Kelly Scott: Look, if you call me "ma'am" one more time I'll sue you, and with today's laws, it's possible.
Sheriff Hank Keough: She's good.
Hector Cyr: He bit me! He bit me! There's two! There's two!
Sheriff Hank Keough: I can count.
[the second crocs rears up out of the water and the sheriff blows his head off with the grenade launcher]
Sheriff Hank Keough: Back to one.
Hector Cyr: [after the death of a deputy] I'm sorry about your deputy... whenever someone dies, I always feel like it's such a waste that I didn't know them any better.
Sheriff Hank Keough: [sarcastic] I'm sorry for your loss, Hector.
Hector Cyr: That's not really what I meant.
Sheriff Hank Keough: [shaking his head] His head was just... bitten off.
Hector Cyr: I used to have a recurring nightmare that I was headless. I'd be down on the ground looking up at my headless body, watching myself walk around the yard bumping into things, and my parents wouldn't let me in the house because they'd just bought all these antique lamps didn't want me to knock them over, the fuckers. Then the neighborhood kids came by, saw my severed head lying on the ground and started a game of kickball, and as I was being kicked around, I actually just felt grateful for being allowed in the game... What are your thoughts?
Kelly Scott: Uh, there's something I wanted to ask you. What's it like to be a woman in the woods of Maine? I mean, the guys don't turn all horny or anything like they did in Deliverance, right?
[She sees Jack Wells is listening]
Kelly Scott: Ahh... I knew you were there.
Jack Wells: Hmm. Never been to Maine before, huh?
Kelly Scott: Oh, I have good hygiene, I'm not welcome.
Jack Wells: Do you know how your husband died?
Mrs. Bickerman: Oh yes! I killed him.
Jack Wells: You killed him?
Mrs. Bickerman: Oh yes!
[Sheriff Keough finds two of his deputies digging a deep hole and gives them an icy stare]
1st Deputy: He paid us. Five hundred.
2nd Deputy: It's a trap.
Sheriff Hank Keough: You accepted money from him?
1st Deputy: We took a check.
[Hector Cyr is dancing with a female Deputy Sheriff]
Hector Cyr: Law enforcement is very dangerous work isn't it?
Hector Cyr: And you have such big, wonderful boobs.
Deputy Sharon Gare: Ha! Thank you!
Mrs. Bickerman: Oh, my husband passed away. It's been almost two years now.
Sheriff Hank Keough: My department doesn't have any record of that, Mrs. Bickerman.
Mrs. Bickerman: Well, I'm sorry. Incomplete records haunt me so.
Jack Wells: What was the cause of your husband's death, ma'am? Do you know?
Kelly Scott: We don't mean to invade your privacy, but was he ill, was he sick?
Sheriff Hank Keough: Was he swallowed?
Kelly Scott: His scales were oval. He's an Asian Crocodile.
Sheriff Hank Keough: Why... why would he come here? I mean, it's impossible. Asia. How would he get here?
Hector Cyr: Obviously some asshole in Hong Kong flushed him down the toilet.
Kelly Scott: You hurt his feelings.
Jack Wells: I don't care.
Jack Wells: Do you care?
Sheriff Hank Keough: No, he's an asshole.
Sheriff Hank Keough: Oh God, we forgot to pack feminine napkins!
Kelly Scott: [on the phone with the wildlife services] Thank you, it's so rewarding to imagine my tax dollar finding its way to you, you fuckshit!
Hector Cyr: You are a saucy flirt.
Kevin: [Kevin has just broken up with Kelly] Hey.
Kelly Scott: Oh, hey Kevin! What's going on? What's happening? How's it goin'? How's your family? Good? That's great, it's so nice to see you. Fuck off.
Hector Cyr: [after being startled by Hank and his revolver] Jesus fucking Christ!
Sheriff Hank Keough: What the hell are you doing?
Hector Cyr: What the hell are YOU doing? I'm laying a spring trap.
Sheriff Hank Keough: I could have shot you!
Hector Cyr: This could end up saving your life, which is meaningful to you, because the longer you live, the more sex you get to have with your sister!
Jack Wells: [comes running over] What's going on here?
Hector Cyr: [about Hank, who'd been out for a bathroom break] He's waving his little wang around scaring the shit outta me!
Sheriff Hank Keough: [holds up his revolver] How big is *this?*
Mrs. Bickerman: I'll sue you!
Jack Wells: Go ahead.
Mrs. Bickerman: You can't take a cow by eminent domain!
Sheriff Hank Keough: We just did.
Jack Wells: We won't let her get hurt, Ma'am.
Mrs. Bickerman: You're all cocksuckers! I knew it first, I just didn't want to say it!
Kelly Scott: I will NOT calm down! This is the second time I've been hit with a severed head and I DON'T LIKE IT!
[to a game warden]
Hector Cyr: I'm a civilian, not a trout - you have no authority over me whatsoever.
Sheriff Hank Keough: Who are you?
Hector Cyr: Hector Cyr, I said it once, lemme know when it sinks in, OK?
Sheriff Hank Keough: The tooth is in here.
Kelly Scott: Well that's... that's the morgue.
Sheriff Hank Keough: Yes.
Kelly Scott: Well, uh... is the dead guy in there?
Sheriff Hank Keough: That's where they keep 'em. Look, you want me to bring the tooth out here?
Kelly Scott: No. No, let's... after you.
Sheriff Hank Keough: Look. He's suffering. I get to be humane.
[Aims grenade launcher]
Hector Cyr: No! No. No, no, no look, he's trapped. We've done it. So what it's not a net but, but, but he's trapped. Mission accomplished.
Jack Wells: Shoot him!
Hector Cyr: I've got more drugs. He's half dead.
Jack Wells: He's half alive! Shoot him!
[the U.S. and Florida game officials finally show up]
Sheriff Hank Keough: We, uh, trapped him with our chopper.
[to the sheriff]
Hector: You know, sheriff, when friends or family say certain things, they tend not to register. So it helps to hear it from a complete stranger... you're fat.
Hector Cyr: Let's not overlook the fact that he didn't eat me.
Jack Wells: 'Cause he just ate a cow, stupid!
Kelly Scott: We're doing the right thing.
[trapping instead of killing the crocodile]
Jack Wells: You might think differently if you get eaten.
Kelly Scott: Gee, thanks.
Hector Cyr: She tell you that we had sex together? So vigorous!
Kelly Scott: I never had sex with you!
Hector Cyr: I'm horrible in bed. They never remember.
Hector Cyr: You're supposed to say 'go' in karate. You face each other, you bow, and you say go!
Sheriff Hank Keough: Yeah, as in go fuck yourself!
Mrs. Bickerman: [slapping her cow to the crocodile] Come and get it.
Kelly Scott: Did you want to be killed by it?
Hector Cyr: You think I'm that nuts?
Kelly Scott: Hector, what you just did, there had to be some sort of death wish going on.
Hector Cyr: In ancient Malenesia people suspected of crime's would be thrown to the crocodiles. Crocodiles would decide. They would be the judge.
Kelly Scott: Oh, so that was you wanting to be judged out there?
Hector Cyr: Maybe I was, and so what? Is that too arbitrary? Better to be measured by my wealth? Better for me to get my self-esteem looking into the eyes of cheap sycophants craving a meal ticket? There was more honesty in those dragon's eyes. There was more dignity in those dragon's eyes...
Kelly Scott: Jesus, Hector cut the shit.
Hector Cyr: Aw, fuck it.
[Hank has been caught in another of Hector's traps. He hangs from a tree by his ankles]
Hector Cyr: I could probably cut him down but there's this odd look of mayhem on his upside-down face
Hector: Splendid lake, eh? Became a man on a lake like this. Rubber raft, Sophie Blake... She gave like a cow.
Kelly Scott: He thinks they're godly.
Sheriff Hank Keough: What was that?
Kelly Scott: In his defense, every primitive culture known to man deified them: ancient China, Egypt, Australia, Asia... Going back in history, crocodiles have been more worshipped than Jesus.
Sheriff Hank Keough: Is this supposed to make us take him more seriously?
Kelly Scott: No, it's supposed to make you understand him.
Deputy Sharon Gare: Come on, Hector. I know you're crazy, but you can't do this.
Hector Cyr: I need to see his habitat up close, Deputy Gare.
Deputy Sharon Gare: Then watch NOVA, OK? But don't go in the water, please.
Kelly Scott: [closing dialogue at end of movie] Doesn't anyone "make a move" around here in Maine?
Jack Wells: [opens the passenger door and moves his bag] Get in.
Kelly Scott: You move a bag and that's it? That's your "move"?
Jack Wells: Come on, I know a good bar where we can get some beers.
Kelly Scott: [gets in and closes the door] Are the glasses clean?
Jack Wells: Uhh... yeah. Are you gonna complain like this all night?
Kelly Scott: [gives him a look] Start the car Jack.
Jack Wells: [gives her a look] I miss the crocodile already.
[they both laugh and drive away]
Jack Wells: [end of movie]