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Hercules (TV Series 1998–1999) Poster

(1998–1999)

Quotes

Parenthesis: For generations we've used the oracular reading of oxen guts to predict our student's careers, or lack thereof.

Hercules: Eeeyugh. Couldn't you use some sort of aptitude test instead?

Parenthesis: We tried that. The oxen guts were more accurate by 72%.

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Zeus: [about to smite Salmoneus] Blasphemous infidel on the side pocket.

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Pain: What evil can we inflict for you? Vengeance? Torture? Adult contemporary music?

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[Atlantis is sinking; King Croesus has summoned Hades for help]

Hades: Look, Babe, your check bounced. Seems your bank went under.

[shot of bank sinking in flood]

Hades: And from the looks of it, so will you in about ten minutes. Oh, that's right, you're not a good swimmer. Better make that five.

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[Upon finding out his Roman name]

Hades: They named me "Pluto"? What kind of a name is "Pluto"? I wouldn't call my dog "Pluto".

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Arachne: I prefer to be called a "freelance web designer."

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Hades: Have your minions call my minions.

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Hades: Welcome to the Afterlife, the Unhappiest Place under Earth.

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Nemesis: You're so stupid, you think a minotaur is a short trip.

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Poseidon: Say, brother, did I ever tell you about when I invented the marine mammal?

Hades: Uh, yeah, Poseidon, about a zillion times...

Poseidon: 'Course, the first few drowned. You know, mammals. Then it hit me: blowhole.

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Zeus: Chill out, Hades.

[Blows out Hades' hair]

Zeus: Look at that. I should make a wish.

Hades: Lord of the Underworld: How about a death wish?

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Hades: Lord of the Underworld: Everybody's happy. Well, I'm happy. Everyone else is wracked with pain. Nice.

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Hades: I know you're out there, I can hear you rotting.

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Hades: My business is dead people. If I have no dead people, my business is dead, people.

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Zeus: Oh, Hades. I was just looking for the Little Gods' Room.

Hades: Go in the pool.

Zeus: Is that sanitary?

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Hades: Why. Do they do that? What is that, some kind of verbal diarrhea?

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Hades: Oh, look, a flower. Nature's little reminder... that I LOATHE spring.

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Hades: Hi, kids! Name's Hades and I'm your new principal. I'll be instituting a new educational paradigm based on the three Rs: revenge, requital, and retribution. You'll love it. And get this. There is no homework.

[Students cheer]

Hades: Because you don't get to go home.

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[Pain and Panic have to stop Icarus from kissing Cassandra]

Pain: He's going to kiss somebody? I have to get out more. I could do okay.

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Hades: C'mon, I haven't got all day. What am I talking about? I have eternity; I just don't want to spend it with you two.

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Icarus: Herc, you need a guy who's in the know, someone who can plug you to the epicenter of the chic Greek elite.

Hercules: Gee, that'd be great!

Icarus: Yeah, wouldn't it? I'm not that guy.

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Ares: Remember: make war, not love.

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[the Argonauts are greeted by nymphs who invite them to stay in their island forever]

Jason of the Argonauts: Well, it's obvious what's happening here. These nymphs are trying to keep us from our quest.

Bootes: No, that's just a bonus.

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[Jason has found the Golden Fleece and is rubbing in on his hair]

Jason of the Argonauts: How's my hair? Black as pitch?

Hercules: Ah, no. Sorry.

Jason of the Argonauts: Oh well. I hear some fellow Grecians are working on a formula for that, anyway.

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Hercules: Zeusapalooza? This is not dad's style at all.

Cassandra: This isn't anyone's style.

Icarus: Woo! Bring on the big Z, baby!

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Tiresias: I used to have vast knowledge. Now they pin my room number on me.

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Icarus: Yes, my friends, there's a lot to be learned from our elders. For example, if I had listened to Daedalus and not flown into the sun with wax wings...

Cassandra: ...You wouldn't be famous for doing something stupidly reckless.

Icarus: Oh, man! I was this close to wisdom! This close!

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[At the retirement home, Adonis has one of the boarders cleaning his feet]

Hercules: Adonis, aren't you supposed to be helping him?

Adonis: Oh, but I am. I'm giving him gainful employment. Does wonders for the self esteem.

Hercules: His, or yours?

Adonis: It's a win-win.

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Daedalus: Behold, the fundamental machine: the lever. Sublimely simple. Say it with me.

Hercules: I got it.

Daedalus: No, say lever! Never mind. Here's a working model. As my close personal friend Archimedes once said, "Give me a lever long enough, a fulcrum high enough, a place to stand, and I'll kiss you on the nose." He was a strange man.

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Hades: [taking Poseidon's trident from Hercules] Who wants trident? I do, I do! Didn't you read the fine print on this? For ages immortal and up.

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Cassandra: I can't believe all the trouble I've caused. It's so much better when you guys cause the trouble, and I get to sarcastically comment.

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Cassandra: I'm not your sassy Cassie! I'm not your Cassie lassie! I'm not your anything and anything that stupidly rhymes with the first thing!

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Adonis: There's been a change in the menu. There will be no feasting on flesh today. Instead you shall taste my blade.

[Hands his sword to a servant]

Adonis: Here, make him taste my blade.

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[Hercules and Adonis are trying to impress Circe]

Adonis: First of all, look at this tan. Have you ever seen such a beautiful sight?

Hercules: Yes, as a matter of fact, on Mount Olympus. That's my home, you know. Or it will be, once I achieve my fullest potencial.

Adonis: Yes, and you will live there with all your elf and pixie friends. Right, Hercules? What fun!

[Whispering to Circe]

Adonis: He's crazy.

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Gaia: Who dares disturb the slumber of Gaia?

Adonis: [Points to a worker] That's him! The one with the pickaxe! The soon-to-be-cursed chap wearing the thing.

Gaia: You arrogant, little mortal! I see through your flimsy lies!

Adonis: Would sturdier lies help? I could shore them up with some half-truths.

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[Hercules has been tied to a target by Ares and launched into the air. Ares' arrow splits the target in two, leaving Hercules with two 'wings']

Icarus: Flap, man! Flap!

Cassandra: Yeah, *that'll* work!

Hercules: Wow! Is this what it was like to fly, Icarus?

[Ares shoots the "wings" off him and Hercules flaps his arms desperately in the air for a few seconds before plummeting down]

Icarus: Yeah... that was pretty much it. Course, I got more sun.

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Cassandra: Come with me if you want to live.

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Cassandra: Is that the underground boat ride in the dark?

Icarus: Really dark. Give you any ideas?

[growls]

Cassandra: Yeah! No-one will see me push you over. Let's go!

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[Pain and Panic are in King Croesus' dungeon, checking out his torture devices]

Pain: Look at all this stuff! Croesus has a much bigger budget than Hades.

Panic: A portable evicerator! I can't wait to try this baby out.

Pain: Ooh! Ooh! A Flay-Z-Boy recliner!

Panic: It's so many toys! I can't decide! Oh, this *is* torture!

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Icarus: [about Homer] He's always following you around. It's so creepy. How can you stand it?

Cassandra: Years of practice.

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Poseidon: I may not be richer than Croesus, but I'm a god. You can't throw money at me and get what you want.

[Croesus gives him a check]

Poseidon: Whoa! That's a lot of sardines.

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Daedalus: My class plan for today was to build this, a flying machine made of cypress reeds and sheep bladders. But the school board feels it's too *edgy*; so instead, we shall spit in the eye of divine inspiration and construct... a birdhouse.

[bites fist]

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[Daedalus is having his possessions loaded into a boat]

Daedalus: Gently, gently. Those crates contain my life's work.

Dockworker: [drops a crate] Oops! Oh, well.

Daedalus: That's not gently! Be careful. That is one of my greatest inventions, the pulley.

Dockworker: What's a pulley?

Daedalus: That's a pulley. A system of rotors that give a mechanical advantage in lifting heavy loads with comparative ease.

Dockworker: Can we use it on these back-breaking crates? It would really help us out.

Daedalus: No, you'll scratch it.

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Minotaur: Oh, so I'm a monster now? I couldn't pick my parents, you know.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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