Hades: Welcome to the Afterlife, the Unhappiest Place under Earth.
Parenthesis: For generations we've used the oracular reading of oxen guts to predict our student's careers, or lack thereof.
Hercules: Eeeyugh. Couldn't you use some sort of aptitude test instead?
Parenthesis: We tried that. The oxen guts were more accurate by 72%.
Poseidon: Say, brother, did I ever tell you about when I invented the marine mammal?
Hades: Uh, yeah, Poseidon, about a zillion times...
Poseidon: 'Course, the first few drowned. You know, mammals. Then it hit me: blowhole.
Zeus: Chill out, Hades.
[Blows out Hades' hair]
Zeus: Look at that. I should make a wish.
Hades: Lord of the Underworld: How about a death wish?
Hades: Lord of the Underworld: Everybody's happy. Well, I'm happy. Everyone else is wracked with pain. Nice.
Hades: My business is dead people. If I have no dead people, my business is dead, people.
Zeus: Oh, Hades. I was just looking for the Little Gods' Room.
Hades: Go in the pool.
Zeus: Is that sanitary?
Hades: Oh, look, a flower. Nature's little reminder... that I LOATHE spring.
[Pain and Panic have to stop Icarus from kissing Cassandra]
Pain: He's going to kiss somebody? I have to get out more. I could do okay.
[the Argonauts are greeted by nymphs who invite them to stay in their island forever]
Jason of the Argonauts: Well, it's obvious what's happening here. These nymphs are trying to keep us from our quest.
Bootes: No, that's just a bonus.
Hercules: Zeusapalooza? This is not dad's style at all.
Cassandra: This isn't anyone's style.
Icarus: Woo! Bring on the big Z, baby!
Zeus: [about to smite Salmoneus] Blasphemous infidel on the side pocket.
Icarus: Yes, my friends, there's a lot to be learned from our elders. For example, if I had listened to Daedalus and not flown into the sun with wax wings...
Cassandra: ...You wouldn't be famous for doing something stupidly reckless.
Icarus: Oh, man! I was this close to wisdom! This close!
[At the retirement home, Adonis has one of the boarders cleaning his feet]
Hercules: Adonis, aren't you supposed to be helping him?
Adonis: Oh, but I am. I'm giving him gainful employment. Does wonders for the self esteem.
Hercules: His, or yours?
Adonis: It's a win-win.
Daedalus: Behold, the fundamental machine: the lever. Sublimely simple. Say it with me.
Hercules: I got it.
Daedalus: No, say lever! Never mind. Here's a working model. As my close personal friend Archimedes once said, "Give me a lever long enough, a fulcrum high enough, a place to stand, and I'll kiss you on the nose." He was a strange man.
Hades: [taking Poseidon's trident from Hercules] Who wants trident? I do, I do! Didn't you read the fine print on this? For ages immortal and up.
Cassandra: I can't believe all the trouble I've caused. It's so much better when you guys cause the trouble, and I get to sarcastically comment.
Cassandra: I'm not your sassy Cassie! I'm not your Cassie lassie! I'm not your anything and anything that stupidly rhymes with the first thing!
Adonis: There's been a change in the menu. There will be no feasting on flesh today. Instead you shall taste my blade.
[Hands his sword to a servant]
Adonis: Here, make him taste my blade.
Gaia: Who dares disturb the slumber of Gaia?
Adonis: [Points to a worker] That's him! The one with the pickaxe! The soon-to-be-cursed chap wearing the thing.
Gaia: You arrogant, little mortal! I see through your flimsy lies!
Adonis: Would sturdier lies help? I could shore them up with some half-truths.
Pain: What evil can we inflict for you? Vengeance? Torture? Adult contemporary music?
[Pain and Panic are in King Croesus' dungeon, checking out his torture devices]
Pain: Look at all this stuff! Croesus has a much bigger budget than Hades.
Panic: A portable evicerator! I can't wait to try this baby out.
Pain: Ooh! Ooh! A Flay-Z-Boy recliner!
Panic: It's so many toys! I can't decide! Oh, this *is* torture!
Icarus: [about Homer] He's always following you around. It's so creepy. How can you stand it?
Cassandra: Years of practice.
[Atlantis is sinking; King Croesus has summoned Hades for help]
Hades: Look, Babe, your check bounced. Seems your bank went under.
[shot of bank sinking in flood]
Hades: And from the looks of it, so will you in about ten minutes. Oh, that's right, you're not a good swimmer. Better make that five.
[Daedalus is having his possessions loaded into a boat]
Daedalus: Gently, gently. Those crates contain my life's work.
Dockworker: [drops a crate] Oops! Oh, well.
Daedalus: That's not gently! Be careful. That is one of my greatest inventions, the pulley.
Dockworker: What's a pulley?
Daedalus: That's a pulley. A system of rotors that give a mechanical advantage in lifting heavy loads with comparative ease.
Dockworker: Can we use it on these back-breaking crates? It would really help us out.
Daedalus: No, you'll scratch it.
Minotaur: Oh, so I'm a monster now? I couldn't pick my parents, you know.
[Upon finding out his Roman name]
Hades: They named me "Pluto"? What kind of a name is "Pluto"? I wouldn't call my dog "Pluto".
Nemesis: You're so stupid, you think a minotaur is a short trip.
Hades: Why. Do they do that? What is that, some kind of verbal diarrhea?
Hades: Hi, kids! Name's Hades and I'm your new principal. I'll be instituting a new educational paradigm based on the three Rs: revenge, requital, and retribution. You'll love it. And get this. There is no homework.
Hades: Because you don't get to go home.
Hades: C'mon, I haven't got all day. What am I talking about? I have eternity; I just don't want to spend it with you two.
Icarus: Herc, you need a guy who's in the know, someone who can plug you to the epicenter of the chic Greek elite.
Hercules: Gee, that'd be great!
Icarus: Yeah, wouldn't it? I'm not that guy.
[Jason has found the Golden Fleece and is rubbing in on his hair]
Jason of the Argonauts: How's my hair? Black as pitch?
Hercules: Ah, no. Sorry.
Jason of the Argonauts: Oh well. I hear some fellow Grecians are working on a formula for that, anyway.
Tiresias: I used to have vast knowledge. Now they pin my room number on me.
[Hercules and Adonis are trying to impress Circe]
Adonis: First of all, look at this tan. Have you ever seen such a beautiful sight?
Hercules: Yes, as a matter of fact, on Mount Olympus. That's my home, you know. Or it will be, once I achieve my fullest potencial.
Adonis: Yes, and you will live there with all your elf and pixie friends. Right, Hercules? What fun!
[Whispering to Circe]
Adonis: He's crazy.
[Hercules has been tied to a target by Ares and launched into the air. Ares' arrow splits the target in two, leaving Hercules with two 'wings']
Icarus: Flap, man! Flap!
Cassandra: Yeah, *that'll* work!
Hercules: Wow! Is this what it was like to fly, Icarus?
[Ares shoots the "wings" off him and Hercules flaps his arms desperately in the air for a few seconds before plummeting down]
Icarus: Yeah... that was pretty much it. Course, I got more sun.
Cassandra: Is that the underground boat ride in the dark?
Icarus: Really dark. Give you any ideas?
Cassandra: Yeah! No-one will see me push you over. Let's go!
Poseidon: I may not be richer than Croesus, but I'm a god. You can't throw money at me and get what you want.
[Croesus gives him a check]
Poseidon: Whoa! That's a lot of sardines.