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Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (TV Series 1998–2001) Poster

Quotes

Berg: Hi, my name is Berg... and I'm addicted to messing with Pete.

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Sharon Carter: Actually, we're engaged "in theory."

Pete: Oh, that's great, congratulations. I'd explain it to Collette if I spoke French, and understood what you were talking about.

Sharon Carter: Why is everyone having such a tough time with this? It's very simple - an engagement is a promise to be married. and I am promising to be engaged, which in theory is a promise to be married, hence we are engaged in theory.

Johnny Donnelly: Good luck finding a card for that.

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Berg: I can't stand you.

Ashley: I loathe you.

Berg: I despise you.

Ashley: I hate you.

Berg: I can get us a room.

Ashley: I can drive.

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Berg: [about his use of an asthma inhaler] You know how they always say not to exceed the recommended daily dosage?

Pete: Yeah?

Berg: Well I'm the guy... who exceeds it so they know why *you* shouldn't.

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Sharon Carter: Can I talk to you guys for a second?

[storms past them]

Berg: She knows.

Pete: She does?

Berg: Play dumb.

Pete: We are dumb.

[they walk over to Sharon]

Sharon Carter: Are you guys nuts?

Berg: [flipping a page on his notepad] I'm Nuts. This is my partner, Pretzels.

Pete: What seems to be the problem, ma'am?

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Sharon: Just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage.

Berg: I never... want to forget that you said that.

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Pete: Berg, I'm just not cut out to be a good person.

Berg: I know. That's why the Lord gave us good looks.

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Ashley: Aww, you like Irene!

Berg: [pretending he doesn't] *You* like Irene!

Ashley: It's OK, Berg. Some people actually think it's a good thing to like the person you're making love to.

Berg: We are not making love! We're having sex! We're having dirty, dirty sex!

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Pete: Ashley, if you're here, who's running hell?

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Berg: [upon meeting Ashley] See anything you like?

Ashley Walker: Wow, where you get that line? Because you need to give it back.

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[About Pete]

Melissa: What does he tell you about me?

Berg: Everything.

Melissa: Like what, everything?

Berg: Like the first time he saw you, he said he actually felt his heart stop.

Melissa: Really?

Berg: And you... do a phenomenal Linda Ronstadt imitation.

Melissa: Aww... Pete.

Berg: And he hates sushi... but goes with you all the time because he knows you love it.

Melissa: Why didn't he say anything?

Berg: And you laugh like a mad scientist during sex.

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Berg: I don't like you being mad at me.

Pete: I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me. Berg, I'm gonna be 25 and I don't even know where my life is - and the one good thing I had, I messed up. When my dad was my age, he had a house, he had a wife, he had me. I mean, what do I have?

Berg: You have the ability to suck the life out of an evening.

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Ashley: Well, a strong enough wind could blow it right over.

Pete: [laughs] What, are you kiddin' me? You're a med student. What the hell do you know about architecture?

Ashley: Well, my father's an architect.

Pete: Yeah, well, my mother's a woman, but that doesn't mean I understand them.

Sharon: It's true, he really doesn't.

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Pete: Berg, what you need is a little reenactment. Sharon? Would you like to play the part of Ashley?

Sharon: Oh, yes... no... yes... no.

[to Pete]

Sharon: I'm getting into character.

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Pete: Irene, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you handle never winning.

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Berg: Just remember that my eye drop experiments paid for that sofa.

Pete: Berg, what color would you say that sofa is?

Berg: I dunno... blue?

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Ashley: Sharon doesn't want to rush into marriage and make the same mistakes that her mother did.

Berg: Oh ,yeah, that's it.

Sharon: That *is* it.

Berg: I said, "Oh yeah that's it."

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Berg: You know not with whom you mess.

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Pete: Berg, you can't sleep in my bed, people talk enough as it is. Go sleep on the couch.

Berg: I can't sleep on the couch. Last week I spilled milk on it and for some reason it smells bad.

Pete: So go sleep on the floor!

Berg: I can't sleep on the floor.

Pete: Why not?

Berg: For some reason there's a trail of ants leading to the couch.

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Sharon Carter: Oh, run away, you bimbos, the killer's right behind you! Don't turn around. Don't... start making out with the other girl.

[reads video cover]

Sharon Carter: "I Know Who You Did Last Summer." Cute, guys.

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Ashley: Go like this.

[pretending to get something out of her teeth]

Berg: [picking his teeth] What, do I have something in my teeth?

Ashley: No, now go away.

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Pete: I'm twenty-five, why are you telling people I'm thirty?

Berg: You get better presents.

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Berg: So, your mother hates Johnny.

Sharon: No, my mother loves Johnny.

Berg: So, she loves Johnny too much.

Sharon: No, my mother's been married three times.

Berg: And once to Johnny!

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Berg: Y'know, Turner and Hooch were talking earlier, and they said something very intriguing.

Pete: Don't quote your shoes.

Berg: "Stay close to the leader, or the race is lost."

Pete: What do you think they meant by that?

Berg: No idea. I'm gonna take them for a walk in the park, try and get it out of them.

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Berg: Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps.

Pete: Oh. Oh, well listen... I'll give you the name of her connection -the post office!

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[at a boxing match]

Ashley: What am I doing here?

Sharon: According to the Bible, to balance out "good."

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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