Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001)
Berg: Hi, my name is Berg... and I'm addicted to messing with Pete.
Sharon Carter: Actually, we're engaged "in theory."
Pete: Oh, that's great, congratulations. I'd explain it to Collette if I spoke French, and understood what you were talking about.
Sharon Carter: Why is everyone having such a tough time with this? It's very simple - an engagement is a promise to be married. and I am promising to be engaged, which in theory is a promise to be married, hence we are engaged in theory.
Johnny Donnelly: Good luck finding a card for that.
Berg: I can't stand you.
Ashley: I loathe you.
Berg: I despise you.
Ashley: I hate you.
Berg: I can get us a room.
Ashley: I can drive.
Berg: [about his use of an asthma inhaler] You know how they always say not to exceed the recommended daily dosage?
Berg: Well I'm the guy... who exceeds it so they know why *you* shouldn't.
Sharon Carter: Can I talk to you guys for a second?
[storms past them]
Berg: She knows.
Pete: She does?
Berg: Play dumb.
Pete: We are dumb.
[they walk over to Sharon]
Sharon Carter: Are you guys nuts?
Berg: [flipping a page on his notepad] I'm Nuts. This is my partner, Pretzels.
Pete: What seems to be the problem, ma'am?
Sharon: Just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage.
Berg: I never... want to forget that you said that.
Pete: Berg, I'm just not cut out to be a good person.
Berg: I know. That's why the Lord gave us good looks.
Ashley: Aww, you like Irene!
Berg: [pretending he doesn't] *You* like Irene!
Ashley: It's OK, Berg. Some people actually think it's a good thing to like the person you're making love to.
Berg: We are not making love! We're having sex! We're having dirty, dirty sex!
Berg: [upon meeting Ashley] See anything you like?
Ashley Walker: Wow, where you get that line? Because you need to give it back.
Melissa: What does he tell you about me?
Melissa: Like what, everything?
Berg: Like the first time he saw you, he said he actually felt his heart stop.
Berg: And you... do a phenomenal Linda Ronstadt imitation.
Melissa: Aww... Pete.
Berg: And he hates sushi... but goes with you all the time because he knows you love it.
Melissa: Why didn't he say anything?
Berg: And you laugh like a mad scientist during sex.
Berg: I don't like you being mad at me.
Pete: I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me. Berg, I'm gonna be 25 and I don't even know where my life is - and the one good thing I had, I messed up. When my dad was my age, he had a house, he had a wife, he had me. I mean, what do I have?
Berg: You have the ability to suck the life out of an evening.
Ashley: Well, a strong enough wind could blow it right over.
Pete: [laughs] What, are you kiddin' me? You're a med student. What the hell do you know about architecture?
Ashley: Well, my father's an architect.
Pete: Yeah, well, my mother's a woman, but that doesn't mean I understand them.
Sharon: It's true, he really doesn't.
Pete: Berg, what you need is a little reenactment. Sharon? Would you like to play the part of Ashley?
Sharon: Oh, yes... no... yes... no.
Sharon: I'm getting into character.
Pete: Irene, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you handle never winning.
Berg: Just remember that my eye drop experiments paid for that sofa.
Pete: Berg, what color would you say that sofa is?
Berg: I dunno... blue?
Ashley: Sharon doesn't want to rush into marriage and make the same mistakes that her mother did.
Berg: Oh ,yeah, that's it.
Sharon: That *is* it.
Berg: I said, "Oh yeah that's it."
Pete: Berg, you can't sleep in my bed, people talk enough as it is. Go sleep on the couch.
Berg: I can't sleep on the couch. Last week I spilled milk on it and for some reason it smells bad.
Pete: So go sleep on the floor!
Berg: I can't sleep on the floor.
Pete: Why not?
Berg: For some reason there's a trail of ants leading to the couch.
Sharon Carter: Oh, run away, you bimbos, the killer's right behind you! Don't turn around. Don't... start making out with the other girl.
[reads video cover]
Sharon Carter: "I Know Who You Did Last Summer." Cute, guys.
Ashley: Go like this.
[pretending to get something out of her teeth]
Berg: [picking his teeth] What, do I have something in my teeth?
Ashley: No, now go away.
Berg: So, your mother hates Johnny.
Sharon: No, my mother loves Johnny.
Berg: So, she loves Johnny too much.
Sharon: No, my mother's been married three times.
Berg: And once to Johnny!
Berg: Y'know, Turner and Hooch were talking earlier, and they said something very intriguing.
Pete: Don't quote your shoes.
Berg: "Stay close to the leader, or the race is lost."
Pete: What do you think they meant by that?
Berg: No idea. I'm gonna take them for a walk in the park, try and get it out of them.
Berg: Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps.
Pete: Oh. Oh, well listen... I'll give you the name of her connection -the post office!