- Guybrush Threepwood: How can you see without eyeballs?
- Murray: How can you walk around without a brain? Some things no one can answer.
- Murray: I am a powerful demonic force! I am the harbinger of your doom! And the forces of darkness will applaud me as I STRIDE through the gates of hell carrying your head on a pike!
- Guybrush Threepwood: 'Stride?'
- Murray: All right then, 'ROLL! ROLL through the gates of hell.' Must you take the fun out of everything?
- Guybrush Threepwood: You're about as fearsome as a doorstop.
- Murray: Is it a really EVIL-looking doorstop?
- Guybrush Threepwood: [sighs] Never mind.
- Guybrush Threepwood: How'd you break into the hairstyling industry?
- Cutthroat Bill: I saw an ad to join a barbershop quartet. Got a problem with that?
- Guybrush Threepwood: No! That must be very rewarding work.
- Cutthroat Bill: What's that supposed to mean?
- Guybrush Threepwood: Mean? Just that... you know, cutting hair, and, err, singing must be just... a lot of fun.
- Cutthroat Bill: It's like a party every day. Some days I just don't know how to contain my joy. I get giddy, and the laughter bubbles out of me like a sparkling fountain of mirth and gaiety.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Okay, new topic...
- Captain Blondebeard: Madre de Dios! Es el Pollo Diablo!
- Guybrush Threepwood: [as El Pollo Diablo] !Sí He dejado en libertad los prisioneros y ahora vengo por ti!
- Captain Blondebeard: Well, yer not gettin' me without a fight!
- Cabana Boy: Let me see your membership card and I'll let you through!
- Guybrush Threepwood: You don't need to see my identification.
- Cabana Boy: I don't need to see your identification.
- Guybrush Threepwood: I'm not the pirate you're looking for.
- Cabana Boy: You're not the pirate I'm looking for.
- Guybrush Threepwood: I can go about my business.
- Cabana Boy: You can go about your business.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Move along.
- Cabana Boy: Move along, move along... hey! Your mind tricks won't work on me, boy!
- Edward Van Helgen: What! You shot my banjo!
- Guybrush Threepwood: You can't be sure of that. That shot may have come from the grassy knoll.
- Elaine Marley: You know... I don't think my father would approve of me dating the undead, and you're probably too nice a zombie-pirate for me anyway. Let's just be friends instead.
- Elaine Marley: Let's face it, LeChuck. You are an evil, foul-smelling, vile, co-dependent villain and that's just not what I'm looking for in a romantic relationship right now.
- [LeChuck and his henchman Skully look at each other in confusion as to what Elaine meant]
- LeChuck: Darn yer riddles, ya saucy female! What d'ya mean?
- [cuts off Skully's head while he speaks]
- Skully: Ahhh! Ohhh!
- Elaine Marley: You're a blood-thirsty monster who's already kidnapped me once, tortured my friends, and taken from me the only man I ever loved: Guybrush Threepwood.
- Skully: [Guybrush sighs happily] Awwww... how romantic...
- [sees Guybrush]
- Skully: Ship Ahoy!
- Guybrush Threepwood: Do you know anything about lifting curses?
- Murray: Oh, right. I know a lot about lifting curses. That's why I'm a disembodied talking skull sitting on top of a spike in the middle of a swamp.
- Guybrush Threepwood: You seem bitter.
- Murray: I'm sorry. It's been a rough day.
- Haggis McMutton: Me given name is 'Heart-Liver-And-Kidneys-Boiled-In-The-Stomach-Of-The-Animal McMutton.'
- Guybrush Threepwood: Oh, so your parents were expecting a girl, then.
- Haggis McMutton: Aye.
- Guybrush Threepwood: You can count on me, Wally. Just as soon as I defeat LeChuck, rescue Elaine, set all the monkeys free, and ride the Madly Rotating Buccaneer, I'll come back to release you.
- Guybrush Threepwood: [after you try and combine the nail with the magnet] Neat, a magnetic nail, completely worthless, but neat.
- Guybrush Threepwood: [when you try to use slippery hand lotion other than for the correct purpose] I don't wanna lubricate that!
- [first lines]
- Guybrush Threepwood: [voiceover] Captain's log: Guybrush Threepwood. Lost at sea for days now. I have no crew or navigational instruments. No provisions except a half-eaten corn-dog and, unless I find water soon, I'm surely done for. Only the hope of finding my love, Elaine, keeps me going.
- Guybrush Threepwood: [singing] Oh... there's... a... monkey in my pocket / And he's stealing all my change / His stare is blank and glassy / I suspect that he's deranged!
- [Reading pin]
- Guybrush Threepwood: "Ask me about Grim Fandango." I don't want people asking me about Grim Fandango.
- [Looking through a keyhole]
- Guybrush Threepwood: I see a diorama of the children of the world living in peace and freedom. No, wait. It can't be that. It's just too dark to make out what's in there.
- Guybrush Threepwood: What's your name?
- Slappy Cromwell: Cromwell, Slappy Cromwell. It's not my real name actually. My agent told me my given name just didn't have star quality.
- Guybrush Threepwood: What was your given name?
- Slappy Cromwell: Rex Fortune, Adventure Seeker.
- LeChuck: Now with the demon flames of this voodoo cannonball, I'll blast my significant other into the significant otherworld, ha ha! That'll show how much I truly care.
- Voodoo Lady: I am one gifted with the Second Sight, adept at manipulating the forces of nature for the benefit of all who enter my door.
- Guybrush Threepwood: You're a fashion consultant?
- Voodoo Lady: Well... yes, but that's not what I was referring to. I am a Voodoo Priestess.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Neat.
- Voodoo Lady: You're an "autumn," by the way.
- Guybrush Threepwood: You've got to come! You're my only hope!
- Voodoo Lady: No, Guybrush. There is another.
- Guybrush Threepwood: The Diamond belongs in a museum!
- King Andre: So do post-impressionist paintings, Mr Threepwood. So do post-impressionist paintings.
- Guybrush Threepwood: What the heck is that supposed to mean?
- King Andre: Some day you will understand.
- LeChuck: Burn down every island in the Caribbean if you have to, but bring me my bride!... and more slaw! Curse the villains, they never give you enough slaw with these value meals.
- Murray: Something tells me you're not taking me very seriously.
- Guybrush Threepwood: No, no I am.
- Murray: Then let me hear you scream in terror.
- Guybrush Threepwood: I'm too scared to say anything.
- Murray: Ha ha!
- [laughs evilly]
- Guybrush Threepwood: [when you try to pick up the Donkey head mask in the theatre] I don't wanna look like a jackass.
- [turns to look at camera]
- Guybrush Threepwood: Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. So knock it off.
- Guybrush Threepwood: [when you try to pick up one of the skeletons in the coffins]
- [outraged]
- Guybrush Threepwood: I don't need a rotting corpse!
- Stan: Here. Take one of my business cards that I've had made up.
- Guybrush Threepwood: [Stan hands him a business card] If you've been locked in that coffin, how were you able to have business cards made?
- Stan: Now's not the time to worry about the technicalities, son. Now's the time to ask yourself: "Are you covered?"
- Guybrush Threepwood: [reading nametag] Madame Eczema.
- Madame Xima: Xima! Madame Xima, Madame Xima, Madame Xima!
- Guybrush Threepwood: How do I get out of this crypt?
- Minnie Stromie Goodsoup the Ghost Bride: There's no way out of this crypt for either of us. I must haunt this lonely tomb until I've married a man I truly love. And you can't leave because the door's locked.
- Guybrush Threepwood: I'm selling these fine leather jackets.
- Wally: [puts down his gun] Really?
- Guybrush Threepwood: No. I'm lying.
- Wally: In that case, I don't want one.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Yep, sorry we couldn't make a deal.
- Wally: [takes up his gun] Cross me again and I'll chum for sharks with ya!
- Guybrush Threepwood: Well, I'm pretty tough myself!
- Wally: You! Don't make me laugh! You couldn't even grow a decent beard!
- Guybrush Threepwood: Hey... How did you know about my attempted beard?
- Wally: Er... Pirate's intuition.
- Guybrush Threepwood: [after challenging Edward to a duel] I choose the banjo!
- Edward Van Helgen: I accept.
- Guybrush Threepwood: ...You do?
- Guybrush Threepwood: Is the lemonade good?
- Kenny Falmouth: Oh gosh, yes! It's a very healthful drink! Even better for you than placing leeches on your tongue.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Wow! What's the lemonade good for?
- Kenny Falmouth: It's a dandy tonic for scurvy. It'll cure all your symptoms, including, but not limited to: gradual weakening, aching muscles, sunken eyes, painful gums, ashen skin, loss of teeth, internal bleeding, the reopening of old wounds, diarrhea, kidney failure, fainting, halitosis, and death.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Will it cure evil pirate curses?
- Kenny Falmouth: No, but it has a refreshing citrus flavor with no unpleasant aftertaste.
- Guybrush Threepwood: You're as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee!
- Pirate 3: I look THAT much like your fiancee?
- Guybrush Threepwood: [sung] For those long cold shipboard nights/ We've got boxers, briefs and tights!/ Made from cotton, silk or satin/ Styles Anglo, Dutch or Latin!/ When you sail don't take a chance/ Wearing nothin' 'neath your pants./ Trust... Silver's Long Johns...
- [spoken]
- Guybrush Threepwood: They breathe!
- Guybrush Threepwood: What happened to Rum Rogers, Sr.?
- LeChuck: He was takin' a bath in his cabin near Phatt Island, drinking rum and eatin' toast, as he always did while bathing, when the toaster "mysteriously" fell into the tub with him.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Shocking.
- LeChuck: His son inherited the map piece, but was too much of a drunkard to understand its importance!
- [laughs]
- Guybrush Threepwood: What happened to Rapp Scallion, the cook?
- LeChuck: Rapp Scallion died in a flash fire in his weenie hut on Scabb Island.
- Guybrush Threepwood: That's right! I brought him back to life with a voodoo spell! I remember it so vividly...
- [Guybrush remembers reviving Rapp Scallion in 'Monkey Island 2']
- LeChuck: Guybrush?
- Guybrush Threepwood: Oh, I'm sorry, I was miles away. What were you saying?
- LeChuck: I knew about Rapp's absent-minded tendency to leave his gas burners on, so I arranged for a fully-lit cake to be delivered to him on his thirty-fifth birthday.
- [laughs]
- LeChuck: Ye could hear the explosion as far as Booty Island!
- Guybrush Threepwood: That's horrible!
- LeChuck: "Steamin' Weenie," indeed.
- Guybrush Threepwood: What became of Young Lindy, the cabin boy?
- LeChuck: Fearin' fer his life, he came to me and begged for mercy. In return for not revealing the location of Big Whoop, I let him live. As a sign of me "gratitude," I gave him a fortune which he used to build a successful advertising firm. Once he had grown accustomed to his wealthy lifestyle, I returned to collect me debt. I delivered to him an account so demonically ill-conceived that it was doomed to fail: Gangrene 'n' Honey. Within a month, he was penniless and insane, a broken man! He sold everything he owned and got so desperate he fell in with a traveling circus. He was killed when he was shot from a cannon without a helmet.
- Guybrush Threepwood: No one could be THAT desperate!
- Guybrush Threepwood: What fate befell Captain Marley?
- LeChuck: I ambushed him while he was racing in the America's Cup. I boarded his ship and decided to let him determine his own fate. He could grant me his blessing to have his granddaughter's hand in marriage, or he could suffer a death more horrible than any of his crewmates'.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Well? What'd he say?
- LeChuck: Actually, he said quite a few things. "Oh, the pain!" "Stop it, you're killing me!"
- [Elaine tries to shout something through her gag]
- LeChuck: Eh, some other things. I forget them all. I left him for dead and sent his ship into a whirlpool not even the most accomplished captain could escape!
- [Elaine tries to shout something again]
- Guybrush Threepwood: You're unbelievably ghastly and wretched!
- LeChuck: Oh, thanks!
- Guybrush Threepwood: I thought the treasure of Big Whoop was on Dinky Island.
- LeChuck: Dinky Island be an atoll, just off the coast a Monkey Island. But they be connected by a maze o' mysterious tunnels that run under the very ocean floor. So although ye dug fer treasure on Dinky, when ye found me carnival ye were on Monkey Island!
- [laughs]
- Guybrush Threepwood: Very tidy explanation.
- LeChuck: Aye!