Mystery Men (1999)
Mr. Furious: I don't need a compass to know which way the wind shines.
The Sphinx: We are number one. All others are number two, or lower.
Blue Raja's mother: [the Blue Raja's mom walks in on him, in full costume, rummaging through her silverware drawer] Jeffrey, what are you doing?
The Blue Raja: Um, I was just, um, uh, um, I'm, uh...
[shifts to British accent]
The Blue Raja: I'm a superhero, mother.
Blue Raja's mother: A superhero?
The Blue Raja: An effete British superhero, to be precise. I am pilfering your tableware because I hurl it. I hurl it with a deadly accuracy. The Blue Raja is my name. And yes, I know I don't wear much blue and I speak in a British accent, but if you know your history it really does make perfect sense.
Dr. Heller: That's a high-temperature fabric adhesive liquid projector, based on simple dry-cleaning technology. You aim that at a guy, and I'll tell you something: his clothes get so tight he can't even breathe.
Casanova Frankenstein: I have created a beautiful machine that is going to encourage our fellow citizens to share my vision of the future! Can you dig it?
The Blue Raja: I better get going. I've got a city to save.
Blue Raja's mother: Jeffrey? Do the accent.
The Blue Raja: Uh, well...
[shifts to British accent]
The Blue Raja: Well, I'd love to stay and chit-chat, Mother, but I fear I must away with me - our metropolis is in the clutches of madmen!
Blue Raja's mother: Jeff?
The Blue Raja: Yeah?
Blue Raja's mother: Cheerio.
The Blue Raja: Thanks, Mom.
Monica: I don't find you threatening.
Mr. Furious: Oh! Well, you're very, uh... you're very, uh... kind.
Monica: At all.
The Shoveller: We're not your classic heros. We're the other guys.
The Shoveller: Lucille, God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well.
Lucille: Honey, you shovel better than any man I've ever known, but that does not make you a super hero.
[the Shoveller starts to say something, but Lucille cuts him off]
Lucille: No, listen to me. You're a good husband, and a good father. But that's all. Nothing more.
[she walks off, a small boy hugs the Shoveller's leg]
Roland, The Shoveler's Son: I believe in you, Daddy!
Lucille: [calling] Roland, do NOT encourage your father!
The Bowler: [to her father's skull, after avenging his death] OK, now I'm going back to graduate school. That was the agreement.
Mr. Furious: Okay. Right now, I'm kinda like a powder keg, and you're the match.
The Sphinx: To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.
The Sphinx: You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.
The Sphinx: He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions.
Capt. Amazing: [amused at the Mystery Men] Really. You're... you're all superheroes.
The Shoveller: Well, we fight crime. Call it what you will.
[to the news reporters]
The Shoveller: Excuse me, could I say something? I think we would all like this victory to go out to all the other guys, and I'm talking about the people in this city who are super good at their jobs but never get any credit. Like the lady in the DMV - that's a rough job.
Invisible Boy: To the people that remember jingles from tons of old commercials.
The Bowler: And uh, uh, people that support local music and seek out independent film.
The Shoveller: And the guy that drives the snow-plow. And the school nurse, that's a...
Mr. Furious: Eddie, Eddie, I think they got the point.
Becky Beaner: What's the name of this group?
Invisible Boy: The Super Dudes!
The Bowler: No, no, no, not the Super Dudes.
Mr. Furious: We're not the Super Dudes. We don't have a name yet, but we're definitely not the Super Dudes.
The Shoveller: I gotta get home, it's late...
[a photojournalist approaches]
The Bowler: Picture, picture time!
Becky Beaner: Well, whatever you call them, Champion City will forever owe a debt of gratitude to these mystery men.
The Sphinx: Wait! Wait, that's it!... We are the Super Squad.
The Bowler: No, no! Alliteration in these situations is corny... What?
[She opens her bag, where Carmine sits smouldering]
The Bowler: Yes, we're all very aware that you saved the day, and I'm sure we'll be hearing about it for the rest of our lives...
[Mr. Furious, the Blue Raja, and the Shoveller are sneaking across Frankenstein's property to undertake some reconnaissance]
Mr. Furious: Shh! Wait! Hear that? We must have hit a trip-wire. It could be a proton eviscerator heating up.
The Shoveller: It could be a cybernetic atom scrambler. They target moving objects.
The Blue Raja: It sounds more like a heat-seeking anthrax projection gun to me. Quickly, cover your mouths.
Mr. Furious: No, let's bolt! Come on!
The Shoveller: No! Don't move.
The Blue Raja: Don't breathe!
Mr. Furious: Let's bolt!
The Shoveller: Don't move!
The Blue Raja: Don't breathe!
Mr. Furious: Let's bolt!
The Shoveller: Don't move!
[a sprinkler system turns on and the three are soaked]
The Shoveller: [disgustedly] Ohh, it's the sprinkler.
[Monica is trying to eat dinner behind the counter when Mr. Furious approaches to try to strike up a conversation. He notices photographs of motorcycles in the magazine she is reading]
Mr. Furious: You're into motorcycles.
Monica: [uninterested] No, not really.
Mr. Furious: Oh. 'Cause I got a motorcycle.
Monica: [She nods without looking up] Yeah, what kind?
Mr. Furious: It's a Harley...
Monica: A Harley!
Mr. Furious: [He nods, then lurches into honesty] ... compatible. It's a Harley-compatible. Basically the same engineering.
Dr. Heller: If you're gonna bust into that mansion, you're gonna need more than a station wagon.
Mr. Furious: At the auto yard, there's this old Herkimer Battle Jitney. Sally's always telling me to junk it!
Dr. Heller: Wait! You have a Herkimer Battle Jitney? That's the finest nonlethal military vehicle ever made!
[the team are working on the Herkimer Battle Jitney to prepare it for battle]
Dr. Heller: It's a process which results in an accelerated flow of electrons that creates such a powerful magnetic force.
Invisible Boy: So this is, basically, like a huge electromagnet.
Dr. Heller: Well, actually, it's an electro-nuclear-magnet. It's the next inevitable phase.
Mr. Furious: Don't mess with the volcano my man, 'cause I will go Pompeii on your... butt.
Mr. Furious: Someone must have ripped the "Q" section out of my dictionary, 'cause I don't know the meaning of the word "quit".
[Mr. Furious tries to balance a hammer on his head]
Mr. Furious: Why am I doing this, again?
The Sphinx: When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack.
Mr. Furious: And why am I wearing the watermelon on my feet?
The Sphinx: [looks at the watermelon on Mr. Furious' feet] I don't remember telling you to do that.
The Sphinx: When you care what is outside, what is inside cares for you.
[commenting On The Disco Boy's arsenal]
Mr. Furious: What? Guns? That's your power, you shoot guns?
The Blue Raja: There's no theme at all here.
Mr. Furious: Weak.
The Blue Raja: At best.
[a Disco Boy wields a pipe]
The Shoveller: And who are you supposed to be, the Disco Plumber?
[they high-five each other]
Mr. Furious: See, you've got a chain, I would at least make it a gold chain. That's just off the top of my head.
Mr. Furious: [to Tony C, referring to his outfit] What's up, Tiger Lily?
Tony C.: Top of your head, huh.
[Tony C pistol-whips Furious]
Tony C.: [the Disco Boys proceed to beat the hell out of Furious, Blue Raja, and the Shoveller]
[the trio talks about recruiting more heroes for the team]
The Blue Raja: Well, there's The Sphinx, of course.
Mr. Furious: The what?
The Blue Raja: The Sphinx.
The Shoveller: I know this guy. Big crime-fighter from down South. Big-league hitter down there.
Mr. Furious: What's his power?
The Blue Raja: Well, he's terribly mysterious.
Mr. Furious: [dismissively] That's it? That's his power? He's mysterious?
The Blue Raja: Well, TERRIBLY mysterious.
The Shoveller: Plus he can, like, cut guns in half with his mind.
[the Spleen is shot in the rear]
The Spleen: I CAN'T FEEL MY ASS. I CAN'T FEEL MY ASS.
Invisible Boy: Does your power still work?
The Spleen: Uh-oh, weapons check. Pull my fingers.
[Invisible Boy pulls. Spleen lets loose a wind of gas, wiping out an entire gang]
The Spleen: It'll do.
Mr. Furious: Rage... taking over...
Casanova Frankenstein: Ya, ya, ya. Ve've heard all that before.
Mr. Furious: [Furious' face is all red] No, no, no. Rage... *really* taking over...
Capt. Amazing: I knew you couldn't change.
Casanova Frankenstein: I knew you'd know that.
Capt. Amazing: Oh, I know that. AND I knew you'd know I'd know you knew.
Casanova Frankenstein: But I didn't. I only knew that you'd know that I knew. Did you know THAT?
Capt. Amazing: Of course.
The Blue Raja: Sorry, but am I to understand you've inserted your father's skull inside of that ball for bowling?
The Bowler: No, the guy at the pro shop did it.
The Shoveller: We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.
Sally: When are you going to tear down that jeep out there?
Mr. Furious: Now we went through this yesterday. That "jeep" is actually an armored car of some kind. It was made to withstand bombs, I can't just rip it apart with a crowbar.
Mr. Furious: I'm a Pantera's box you do not wanna open.
Casanova Frankenstein: It is "Pandora."
Mr. Furious: Please don't correct me, it sickens me.
The Spleen: Hiya fellas. Word on the street is you're lookin' for superheroes.
Mr. Furious: I just want to tell you that if I don't call you it's because I'm dead.
The Shoveller: Come on, somebody do something, we need him.
The Bowler: Okay. Okay, you're a very furious man, you understand that?
Mr. Furious: No.
The Bowler: No? Well you've got a lot to be furious about, and I'll tell you why: You're not well-liked. You're uh, you're abrasive and off- putting. You try and say pithy things, but your wit is a hinderance and therefore nothing is provocative. Just mixed metaphors. Now, doesn't that make you angry? Does it infuriate you?
Mr. Furious: No.
The Bowler: Well, it should. Aren't you angry? Come on, man!
The Shoveller: Your penmanship is atrocious!
The Sphinx: You dress in the manner of a male prostitute!
Mr. Furious: We're an elite cadr-cadrey...
The Bowler: Cadre.
The Shoveller: You're in.
Lucille: [seeing superhero auditions in her home] Oh, I don't deserve this!
The Shoveller: I know.
Lucille: A lot of other men I could have married, Eddie - still are!
The Shoveller: I understand.
Lucille: If ONE person vomits in my pool, I'm divorcing you!
The Shoveller: That's fair.
The Blue Raja: Your boy's a limey fork-flinger, Mother. What will the bridge club say?
Blue Raja's mother: You need more forks?
The Shoveller: If we had a billionaire like Lance Hunt as our benefactor...
Mr. Furious: That's because Lance Hunt IS Captain Amazing!
The Shoveller: Oh, here we go...
The Shoveller: Don't start that AGAIN. Lance Hunt wears glasses, Captain Amazing DOESN'T wear glasses.
Mr. Furious: He takes them off when he transforms...
The Shoveller: That doesn't make any sense, he wouldn't be able to see!
[the Spleen walks to the Bowler making kissing noises and clicks tongue]
The Bowler: There's not enough beer in the world, Spleen, I'm sorry.
The Bowler: See now, this is why mad scientists are generally less desirable than your common or garden variety scientist.
Invisible Boy: [after becoming invisible for a moment and reappearing naked] I'm invisible. Can you see me?
Mr. Furious: Wow.
The Blue Raja: Two hands there, son.
[Invisible Boy covers up]
The Bowler: Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you want to keep fighting evil today.
Mr. Furious: Okay, am I the only one who finds these sayings just a little bit formulaic? "If you want to push something down, you have to pull it up. If you want to go left, you have to go right." It's...
The Sphinx: Your temper is very quick, my friend. But until you learn to master your rage...
Mr. Furious: ...your rage will become your master? That's what you were going to say. Right? Right?
The Sphinx: Not necessarily.
The Shoveller: So what do you say? Do we all gather together, and go kick some Casanova butt? Or do I eat this sandwich?
Mr. Furious: Frak-you-later, Frankenpuss!
[throws Frankenstein into the pyscho-frakulator]
Mr. Furious: That could work. I'm a loose cannon. I'm unpredictable. I stormed off, why can't I storm back?
Monica: Or, you could just say you're sorry.
Mr. Furious: Do you think there's a really angry way I can say I'm sorry?
Casanova Frankenstein: Stick vith me, Tony, and you vill dance again.
Tony P.: You're baby Bowler!
The Bowler: Is that a problem?
Tony P.: Hello, I'm the guy that gave your daddy the shaft. Ha-ha!
The Shoveller: Watch it, Spleen, you're going to kill someone with that thing!
Dr. Heller: Oh, no, no, no. All these weapons are completely non-lethal.
The Bowler: Wow. How wonderfully eccentric while simultaneously being a complete waste of our time. Good day, sir. I say good day.
Mr. Furious: [as the Blue Raja and the Shoveller walk away] Well here I thought I was with a couple of real superheroes, the Shoveller and the Blue Raja! But really, it's Lazy Boy and... and... the recliner! Lazy Boy and the Recliner!
Vic Weems: I think, right now, we should focus on the positive. Tonight was good.
Capt. Amazing: Yeah? You think so? Cause I was worried it was, um, I don't know... PATHETIC! "Amazing triumphs at a nursing home"? That's great copy, Vic!
Vic Weems: Look, I'm a publicist, not a magician. You want big news, you have to have big fights. A superhero needs a supervillain - and thanks to you, we've got none left.
Capt. Amazing: Then get... the Death Man!
Vic Weems: Death Man is dead.
Capt. Amazing: Okay... Father Doom!
Vic Weems: Life without parole. Apocalypto's doing fifty years. Armagezzmo's in exile. Baron von Chaos got the chair...
Capt. Amazing: Really?
Vic Weems: Casanova Frankenstein is locked up in a nut-house.
Capt. Amazing: Casanova Frankenstein - now there was a supervillain! You know, he just... he's got those eyes, you know? I can't do it, but... and that voice! Such pure evil! The battles we used to have - extraordinary!
Vic Weems: "Used to." That's the problem, Captain. "Used to."
Waffler: I... am the Waffler. With my griddle of justice, I BASH the enemy in the head, or I burn them like so! I also have some truth syrup, which is low in fat.
Casanova Frankenstein: Mmm, oh, this is a fine, elegant Harvey Wallbanger.
Capt. Amazing: Even when it's sucked by scum like you?
The Shoveller: All right, I'll take point, you two flank. Let's triangulate.
The Spleen: Equilateral or isosceles?
Mr. Furious: [talking about Carmine the Bowler] Seems there was a little controversy there regarding your father's death.
The Bowler: Yes, the police said he fell down an elevator shaft. Onto some bullets.
The Blue Raja: You know, I've alwas suspected a bit of foul play there.
The Bowler: As have I.
The Shoveller: [after leaving the bar] The Shoveller is hammered!
Mr. Furious: Hey, I was wondering... have you seen my address book?
The Shoveller: What did it look like?
Mr. Furious: Uh, it's denim. Says 'hang loose' on it. Picture of a kitten.
The Spleen: Why are you guys always dissing me? It hurts my feelings. I'm a superhero too. I have powers.
Invisible Boy: Really? Like what?
The Spleen: So glad you asked. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Well, it all started when I was just 13 years of age. One day, while walking with some friends, I accidentally cut the cheese. Well, in my adolescent awkwardness, I blamed it on an old gypsy woman who happened to be passing by. BIG MISTAKE! The gypsy woman placed a curse upon my head. Because I smelled it, she decreed I would forevermore BE HE WHO DEALT IT!
The Shoveller: Doctor, you *are* a genius.
Dr. Heller: That's what the card says.
Tony P.: You guys never learn, do you?
The Blue Raja: Apparently we don't, ass.
The Shoveller: This is egg salad. It's loaded with cholesterol, the wife won't even let me touch it. It hardly seems to matter now 'cause, chances are, we're already dead. Amazing is gone, there's no use waiting for the cavalry, because as of this moment, the cavalry is *us*!
The Blue Raja: I'm noy StabMan, I'm not KnifeyBoy, I'm the Blue Raja.
Mr. Furious: [referring to the Blue Raja's costume] Yeah, that's another thing... why are you the Blue Raja? I mean, you've got green, you've got a little flowery thing going on, but it's like everything but blue.
Invisible Boy: [Listing superheroes he has met] Let me see, who else have I met? There's The Pincer, The Pickler, Princess Headbutt, um... White Flight And The Black Menace - they work together.
[the Mystery Men have accidentally killed Capt. Amazing]
The Blue Raja: Oh my god. Oh my god, we killed him.
[the Shoveller is standing on the other side of the room]
The Shoveller: What do you mean *we*? I was standing right here.
The Shoveller: Captain, I'm just going to ask you directly. Do you know billionaire Lance Hunt?
Capt. Amazing: [whispers] It's me.
[the Shoveller looks surprised, and Capt. Amazing laughs]
Capt. Amazing: Naw, I'm kidding with you, I've always wanted to do that.
The Bowler: [about to toss her father's skull into the doomsday device] Dad, this is the way it has to be. The upshot is you won't be killed because you're already dead.
Dr. Heller: [offering an old lady candy at the Senior dance] Would you like something sweet?
Old Lady: [impressed] Oh!
Casanova Frankenstein: [pleading his case before a committee] Blessed... disciples of Hippocrates. My heart is torn in two. It aches with guilt from my abominable crimes, yet it is filled with love for this... sanctuary, this place of healing, and it sings with Beethoven's immortal "Ode To Joy" where all men... become... brothers!
Sally: You're LATE!
Mr. Furious: 'Morning, Sally. I'm sorry I was late; I was up all night defending the city from evil, but I'm sure you don't care about that.
Sally: Work starts at NINE! It's *nine-twenty five*!
The Blue Raja: ...I will fork-give you if you fork-get. Haha... who's next?
Dr. Heller: It's a psychofrakulator. It creates a cloud of radically-fluctuating free-deviant chaotrons which penetrate the synaptic relays. It's concatenated with a synchronous transport switch that creates a virtual tributary. It's focused onto a biobolic reflector and what happens is that hallucinations become reality and the brain is literally fried from within.
Waffler: I also have this theme song: Waffle Man! The Waffler! Gold and crispy! Bad guys are history!
Mr. Furious: I'm a wannabe. I AM a wannabe - a TRUE wannabe, in the worst sense of... You guys are gonna have to go fight this battle without me.
The Spleen: You start doubting your super-powers, man, you are SHAFTED!
Mr. Furious: If I had any super-powers to doubt, I w... I guess I'd be in trouble, but I don't. What do I do? I don't. I don't. I go... What do I... I go 'R-r-r-r-r-r'!
The Spleen: What? What are you talking about? You lifted a bus once!
The Blue Raja: Yes, precisely! That story's legend'ry!
Mr. Furious: Yeah... It was really more of a...
[waves hand sideways]
Mr. Furious: ... a push, really, than a lift.
The Blue Raja: That still takes INCREDIBLE super-human strength.
The Blue Raja: Indeed, it does! To push an entire bus out of the way.
Mr. Furious: Well, actually, the driver kinda had his foot on the accelerator... JUST in the beginning; just to get it going. Then it actually was me. But he kinda...
The Blue Raja: Oh, shit.
Capt. Amazing: Oh looky here, a multi frequency radio detonator. You should be more careful when discarding incriminating evidence.
Casanova Frankenstein: Oh, no, no, no this is quite an amusing little gizmo. It's really quite cool.
Capt. Amazing: Yeah? W-What is it?
[Puff Of Smoke Goes Off In Captain Amazing's Face]
Capt. Amazing: [sniffs] Yuck.
Casanova Frankenstein: It's a cholorform-deploying portable enticement snare.
[Captain Amazing Nods In Confusion and both foes stare at each other in silence momentarily]
Capt. Amazing: [sniffs] Ah, Dang!
Mr. Furious: I just want to be there when the team rescues Amazing.
Monica: Well, you could go back.
Mr. Furious: Actually, I can't. I just left this morning.
The Blue Raja: All I'm saying is, when we split the cheque three ways the steak-eater picks the pocket of the salad-man.
Invisible Boy: Hey Dad, I'm going to my room with three strange men.
PMS Avenger: [at the tryouts] PMS Avenger. I only work 4 days a month. Anybody have a problem with that?
[while driving a huge armored car straight at the front door of Casanova Frankenstein's home]
The Shoveller: What do you think? Should we knock, or just let ourselves in?
Mr. Furious: [after Casanova Frankenstein blows up a building] Ohh! Mama pajama!
The Shoveller: We've got a blind date with destiny... and it looks like she's ordered the lobster.
[Mr Furious recommends a publicist for him and his friends]
The Shoveller: What are we gonna publicise, Roy? The fact that we get our butts kicked, a lot?
Mr. Furious: Well, maybe if you didn't smack me in the face with a shovel every time we went out, we'd have a few more victories to brag about.
The Shoveller: All right now, I'm sorry about that. I just have a tendency to lose my concentration when I've got a salad fork stuck in my rear end.
The Blue Raja: Oh, oh I get it, so YOUR shovel in HIS face is MY fault?
The Shoveller: You threw a spoon at the guy, Jeff!
Mr. Furious: Yeah, what was up with that?
The Blue Raja: I, I, I am embarrassed about that. I thought it was a fork.
The Shoveller: You're the master of cutlery. You couldn't throw a knife sometimes when someone's trying to kill me?
The Blue Raja: No, I can't! You couldn't, uh, use a rake sometimes?
The Shoveller: No. I'm the Shoveler.
The Blue Raja: Well, I'm the Blue Raja. I'm not Stab Man, I'm not Knifey Boy - I'm the Blue Raja.
Mr. Furious: Yeah, that's another thing...
The Blue Raja: What?
Mr. Furious: Well, you could work a little blue into the uniform somewhere. I mean you've got green, you've got this little flowery thing going on, but it's like everything BUT blue.
The Blue Raja: Well, if we could just step out of our literal minds, just for a moment...
Casanova Frankenstein: Ah, the old Disco Room. Just as I left it.
Tony P.: You been locked up for twenty years, Casanova. A lot of things have changed since then.
Casanova Frankenstein: It must have been hard for you, Tony, the way times and styles have changed... hearing the people say that disco is dead...
Tony P.: Disco is not dead! Disco is LIFE!
Casanova Frankenstein: Yes, Tony! That is the passion I remember! Stick with me, Tony, and you will dance again... when I rule this town.
Capt. Amazing: [strapped to a chair] Listen, I really think we need to talk about your plans here.
Casanova Frankenstein: You know my plans, Lancie: Tomorrow night, I'm going to kill you.
Capt. Amazing: Right, that's the part that really doesn't work for me...
Casanova Frankenstein: When the clock strikes twelve... cuckoo, cuckoo... you will be dead. And my city will be given a new state of mind.
The Spleen: Where's Captain Amazing?
The Blue Raja: There's been a bit of a cock-up, actually...
The Bowler: Raja murdered him!
[an argument starts]
Mr. Furious: Guys, I think we have a bigger fish to fry right now!
Monica: What's your name?
Mr. Furious: D-do you mean my secret identity? 'Cause I couldn't...
Monica: No, I just mean your name.
Mr. Furious: My name. Ummm... wow. Okay... It's... Phoenix... Phoenix Dark... Dirk... Phoenix... Dark Dirk. I was christened Dirk Steel and then I changed it to Phoenix...
Monica: Forget about it. It's okay.
Mr. Furious: It's Roy! That's, that's my name. My... my real name is Roy.
Monica: Just. Be. Roy. Okay?
Capt. Amazing: Really? I'm not so sure about that. Your first night of freedom, and you blow up the asylum. Interesting choice. I knew you couldn't change.
Casanova Frankenstein: I knew you'd know that.
Capt. Amazing: Oh, I know that. And I knew you'd know I'd know you knew.
Casanova Frankenstein: But I didn't. I only knew that you'd know that I knew. Did you know that?
Capt. Amazing: ...Of course.