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BASEketball (1998) Poster

(1998)

Quotes

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.

Joseph R. Cooper: I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Your bed is over here.

[indicates a dog bed]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Dude, that is so fuckin' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?

Joseph R. Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Yeah I could.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No. Dude, you're a little bitch!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.

Joseph R. Cooper: 'Cause you're a piece of shit.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, but you're a little bitch.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!

Robert Stack: The police have pieced together numerous theories on Coop's whereabouts.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: I have no fucking clue where the hell he is. For all I care he could be hanging by his neck in his fucking closet!

Robert Stack: Scenario One: He's hanging by his neck in his fucking closet.

Jenna Reed: You want to know where Coop is? Just look for the most heinous, vile, and horrible exploitation of children on the planet.

Robert Stack: Scenario Two: Coop went to Disney World.

Joseph R. Cooper: What is something you really want?

Joey: Chelsea Clinton.

Joseph R. Cooper: That's a tough order, dude.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You'd have a better shot at Bill.

Coop: I'm not gonna do it, dude, end of story!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude!

Coop: Dude!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude!

Coop: Dude!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude!

[Coop looks shocked]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude.

Coop: I guess you have a point.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: [Reemer pulls Squeak out of a drawer-bed]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Wake up bitch! You're my new best friend!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [half-conscious] Really? Are we going to the zoo?

Narrator: Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music.

Surgeon: Has there been a rise in his fluid intake? SWEET JESUS! His sodium levels are through the roof!

Surgery Nurse: I don't get it. He's eight years old and he smells like Robert Downey Jr.

Narrator: The Raiders moved from Oakland to LA back to Oakland, no-one seemed to notice.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [an enormous shadow is cast over Squeak. He looks at his hand, where Reemer has written "crib notes" so that Squeak can psyche-out his much larger opponent]

[reading, with difficulty]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Your mother's deaf...

Ed Tuttle: My mother's dead, you little twerp.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [Squeak reads from his hand again] I guess that why she didn't move around a lot.

[standing at the front door]

Coop: It's Coop and Remer.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: We graduated with Britney.

Dr. Kaiser: You graduated?

Coop: Of course we graduated, cock - Beer?

[in the house]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Man this place looks like a Dockers commercial.

Coop: Oh hey, Stef!

Stephanie: Coop! Remer!

Coop: You wanna beer?

Stephanie: Oh, my God, you guys haven't changed since High School!

Coop: Oh, cool.

Stephanie: No, it isn't.

Coop: Cock. Hey, Skidmark Steve, cool. You still hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?

Skidmark Steve: Well, if you must know, I'm in my second year of med school and I'm training for the Summer Games. What are you two up to?

Coop: Just hanging out. Playing Nintendo. Cock.

Joseph R. Cooper: If you want unanimous consent, you're gonna have to get it from one of the other owners.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's flat-lining!

Joseph R. Cooper: Quick, where are those little heart paddles? The ones George Clooney uses!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No! Not those!

Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [takes Joey's pulse]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No pulse!

Joseph R. Cooper: Turn up the power! 10,000 volts!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 10,000 volts!

Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!

[Speak fails to clear, gets electrocuted]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, it's not working!

Joseph R. Cooper: Turn it up! 15,000 volts!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 15,000 volts!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [ears smoking] No...

[Sqeak is thrown back from the shock]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, do you even know what you're doing?

Joseph R. Cooper: What does it look like?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: An execution?

Joseph R. Cooper: Damn it man I'm trying to save an innocent life!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: I'm giving you all I've got captain!

Joseph R. Cooper: I love ya always have. Heh.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Heh.

Joseph R. Cooper: CLEAR!

Dan Patrick: With the first nine months of the Baseketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is starting to emerge.

Kenny Mayne: So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Milwaukee Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three.

Dan Patrick: Right, and then the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.

Kenny Mayne: So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, a two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.

Joseph R. Cooper: Who's this guy?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's my entertainment lawyer. He's helping me with my movie contract.

Joseph R. Cooper: Now you're such a big shot you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie? Fucking sellout.

Joseph R. Cooper: Thanks a lot, Doctor Dickhead! You totally fucked me there!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, relax. It was a joke.

Joseph R. Cooper: Why don't you give it up! She doesn't even like you!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You think she got the hots for you? Shit. Squeak has a better chance that you do.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Hey, you think?

Joseph R. Cooper: That is low. You son of a bitch.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Why is that low?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now. Don't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!

Referee 1: What's the matter with Coop?

Referee 2: I don't know, but he's 1 for 11 and he smells like Christian Slater!

Joseph R. Cooper: [Squeak is trying to shut off their gas] Shoot for it.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Shoot for it? What are you, insane? This is my job, you assholes!

Joseph R. Cooper: Look, it's a good deal. All you gotta do is make a single from right here, and you can shut off our gas and we'll never call you "Squeak" again.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Or bitch.

Joseph R. CooperDouglas "Swish" Reemer: [Coop and Reemer exchange looks] Or bitch.

[together]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [Squeak lines up, ready to shoot] All right. Check this shit out.

Joseph R. Cooper: [psyche-out] Steve Perry.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Huh?

[shoots and misses, ball bounces off roof and hits dog]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Tough break, Squeak.

Joseph R. Cooper: Yeah, now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch.

[agitated dog growls, and rocks gate vigorously]

Joseph R. Cooper: If I had a nickel for every time that ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I'd have a shitload of nickels!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not going out with his sister!

Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, that's the defense, ya gotta psych them out.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, ya gotta say totally fucked up shit to psych them out.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Oh... Hey wait a minute, why is me going out with his sister totally fucked up?

[Coop and Reemer are fighting]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what BASEketball means to America, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!

Bob Costas: And joining us in the booth this evening, big fan of BASEketball, Tony Nocholino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up "Scooter" on the new hit comedy series "What's the Difference?" airing between "Recycled Junk" starring Lisa Campbell and "Same Old Crap" featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson, all part of the great fall lineup on our network's "Who gives a rat's ass?" Thursdays.

Bob Costas: You're excited? Feel these nipples!

Bob Costas: It's hard to believe that just five years ago this game was played only in driveways.

Al Michaels: [camera shifts to Beers cheerleaders] Yes, it's also hard to believe that just five years ago those girls were only in grade school.

Ted Denslow: Now your kids with your loud music, and your Dan Fogleberg, your Zima, hula hoops and pac-man video games, don't you see? People today have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds!

Jenna Reed: I've been the director of the Dream Come True foundations since October.

Joseph R. Cooper: The ones that grant wishes to sick a dying kids, right?

Jenna Reed: Oh, well we like to think of them as health challenged and survival impaired.

Joseph R. Cooper: Look, it's fat liposuctioned out of Marlon Brando's ass!

[Puts a straw in it]

Joseph R. Cooper: Aww, oh no, what am I doing here?

[Drinks it]

Joseph R. Cooper: Aww, it's all salty and warm! Oh, why would I do this? Ugh, this guy ate a lot of pork.

Joey Thomas: I've always dreamed of big game hunting. How about killing an endangered species? Like a bald eagle or a giant panda!

Jenna Reed: Well Joey I don't think that's really in the true spirit of the foundation.

Joey Thomas: Well then how about poisoning a reservoir? I know! How about throwing flesh-eating fish into a public swimming pool?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: I don't think you're quite getting the point, dude.

Baxter Cain: When I see one of baseketball's hottest stars with less than 20 dollars in his pocket, driving an American car and sharing a small house with two other guys, you know what that says to me?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Homos?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Hey kid, think fast!

[He throws the ball, knocking the kid out cold]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's a little slow on the hands.

Jenna Reed: He's blind, Doug.

Joseph R. Cooper: Go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year... FUCK!

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Joseph R. Cooper: Hey pigfucker, can I call you pigfucker?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No, only my friends can call me pigfucker.

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Joseph R. Cooper: With that new liver he'll be peeing like a champ in no time!

Jenna Reed: That's kidneys, Coop.

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Joseph R. Cooper: [repeated psyche-out] Steeeeve Perry!

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Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Oh, I'll come, I love hospitals.

Joseph R. Cooper: No you don't, you like Taco Bell!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No, one time I was at this hospital, in france, and I met this great chick.

Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, that was a hostel.

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Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Listen to me you little bitch! You either go out there and make that shot or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fuckin' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!

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Joseph R. Cooper: [with Australian accent] Eeer seen those beer commercials? How to speak San Franciscan?

[He pulls Squeak's shorts down, revealing his bottom]

Joseph R. Cooper: Vajoyna!

[the referees penalize him]

Joseph R. Cooper: Oh come on, that wasn't a gay joke, it was an Australian joke!

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Joseph R. Cooper: Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight?

[in Cartman's voice]

Joseph R. Cooper: Hey, you guys, seriously, I'm fuckin' fat. Seriously, you guys, I'm fuckin' fat as fuck.

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Singer: [singing] And those warts on your dick aren't gonna go away, unless you use topical cream everyday.

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Jenna Reed: Excuse me, driver? Can you go any faster?

Dale Earnhardt: [looks back] Can I go any faster?

[puts on his trademark black Goodwrench race helmet and accelerates the taxi]

Dale Earnhardt: HANG ON!

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Dan Patrick: Hi there. I'm Dan Patrick.

Kenny Mayne: And I'm Kenny Mayne.

Dan Patrick: With the first seven months of the BASEketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is now starting to emerge.

Kenny Mayne: So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three.

Dan Patrick: Right, and then the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.

Kenny Mayne: So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, the two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.

Dan Patrick: Right.

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[trying to psych out a player in their very first game]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Ugh! One of Britney's moms pubic hairs!

[pulls hairs from mouth]

Basketball player: [disgusted voice] Psh... Ohhhh man!

Joseph R. Cooper: HAH! You lose! Dude that was a SWEET psyche-out!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: UGH HERES ANOTHER ONE!

[pulls out more hairs from teeth]

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Coop: Ya know sometimes I forget why I play the game. I do it because of Mr. October.

Jenna Reed: You mean the guy from the Chippendales Calendar?

Coop: No that was Dwayne Zachemore...

[Coop looks surprised]

Coop: I mean who ever it was...

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Little Coop: You know Reemer, someday I'm going to be a big sports star.

[cut to present day]

Joseph R. Cooper: You know Reemer, someday I'm going to own a big sports bar.

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Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No more Journey psyche-outs.

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Bob Costas: What an unfortunate thing to happen on dozen-egg night!

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Joseph R. Cooper: He didn't pysche me out!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, if anyone should get the psyche-out, it should be Denslow!

Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, weak.

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Ted Denslow: [Denslow's taped will reading] I would like everyone to leave the room, so I could have a private moment with Coop.

[Nobody moves]

Ted Denslow: Now that we're alone Coop, there's something I want to tell you. Remember when you had the crabs and the only thing that made you feel better was this lotion? Well I found another use for it! It feels so good, it makes me want to sing! Just like that night we spent in that tattoo parlour in Chicago, come on baby! I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts! And I'm too sexy for my car, too sexy for my car, too sexy by far!

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Jenna Reed: Joey, look who's here!

Joey Thomas: My biological father?

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Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Here's your decaf mocha Jenna, just like you take it, low fat milk, non-fat whipped cream, a little sprinkle of cinnamon.

Jenna Reed: Thank you Doug.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: And I baked you fresh poppy-seed muffins too.

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Joey Thomas: Mr. Squeak, what grade are you in?

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Douglas "Swish" Reemer: That's a dude.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No way, you're just saying that because you want her for yourself.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No dude, I'm saying that because she's a guy.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: That's impossible. Just look at her. She's got the cutest little upturned nose, the softest lips. The sweetest Adam's apple.

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Jenna Reed: What Joey really needs to know, is where are you going to be next year?

Joseph R. Cooper: Right here, and the next year, and the year after that, right up until Joey grows up... and gets a driver's license, and starts going out with girls... meets the right one, forgets about baseketball altogether.

[They kiss, then move apart]

Joseph R. Cooper: Goes home, does some pushups, fucks the sleeve of his favourite jacket...

Jenna Reed: What?

Joseph R. Cooper: Huh?

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Baxter Cain: Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando? Hardly, he made his fortune moving to L.A. You know how much he makes now?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: As much as he made playing in college?

Baxter Cain: What? No, a lot more! Big money, and you can too!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Would I have to quit baseketball?

Baxter Cain: What? No, I need you to get Coop to go along!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He'd have to quit baseketball too?

Baxter Cain: [Dumbfounded, holding his head in pain] Ehhh... ahh...

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Did I just fart?

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Douglas "Swish" Reemer: [to one of the San Francisco players] I want to feel you... deep inside me!

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[Coop and Doug are standing outside of Brittany Kaiser's house waiting to be let in]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah dude, but this is Brittany Kaiser's house, and I really really wanna fuck her.

[both realize that her father is standing in the doorway]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dr. Kaiser!

Joseph R. Cooper: Dr. Kaiser!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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