Bottom 100 #30
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Storyline
Ruled by the evil Satoris, an ancient cult of Canadian wrestlers, the Ziox, are bent on world domination. Instrumental to their plan is a map to the ancient Ziox cult idol, recently discovered by a young boy, Troy. When the Ziox invade his home to recover the map, he flees and ends up in the bed of a passing pickup truck, driven by Rowsdower. Rowsdower and Troy become friends, and together search for the lost idol before the Ziox can claim it and take over the world. Written by
Leo L. Schwab <ewhac@best.com>
Plot Summary
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Taglines:
A lost city... A cult of unholy warriors... And a boy's quest for the secret of his father's death.
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Certificate:
PG-13
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Did You Know?
Trivia
The woman holding the wine glass in the photo on the dash of Zap's truck is
Bruce J. Mitchell's wife, Angela.
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Goofs
When Troy discovers Rowsdower's cult brand, Rowsdower says that Satoris threw him out of the cult because he was a "half-blood". However, Satoris later states that Rowsdower left of his own volition.
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Quotes
Zap Rowsdower:
What's your name, laddy?
Troy McGreggor:
Troy McGreggor.
Zap Rowsdower:
I'm Rowsdower... Zap Rowsdower.
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"Quest for the Lost City" (or "The Final Sacrifice" as it is more commonly known) features a paper thin plot apparently thought up by a third grader, stunningly icky and sometimes downright ugly characters, and not much else.
This is the story of geeky little Troy, whose dad was an amateur archaeologist who disappeared a few years back whilst seeking The Lost City! Troy finds a map to The Lost City that his dad left behind and soon, ski-mask wearing moose hunters in black tank tops and sweat pants are chasing after him with machetes. We're never really quite sure exactly why these bodybuilders don't want anyone to find out about them, but their boss Satoris - a greasy, creepy looking guy with an impossibly deep voice and a penchant for black trenchcoats and kinky riding crops - gives the orders and no one questions him. Troy hooks up with a lumpy loser name of - get this - Zap Rowsdower. What the hell kind of a name is Zap Rowsdower? I mean, if you were Mrs. Rowsdower, why would you want to curse your son further by naming him Zap, for crying out loud? But, I digress...
Zap used to be a member of the bodybuilders cult, but was tossed out by Satoris, apparently for having a stupider name than him. Zap might also know more about the death of Troy's father than he's willing to admit, but there's no time for that as Troy and Zap meet Mike Pipper, Troy's dad's old partner. Mike is a strange combination of Yosemite Sam and Jethro Tull, and although I suspect he was supposed to be the wise man of the film, filling in plot holes and offering Yoda-like advice, I couldn't stop laughing at him long enough to take him or anything he said seriously. Apparently, while I was laughing, I missed something important, because Troy is kidnapped by Satoris and prepared for The Final Sacrifice! It is now up to Zap to save him and clear his own name in the process.
Yeah, whatever.
This film might have worked better if Troy had instead been an attractive young girl and Zap had been a handsome young man with a less stupid name... and less facial hair and a better wardrobe and less body odor and...well, it would have been predictable as hell, but it would have been more interesting. I mean, wouldn't the gods that Satoris worships be a little cheesed off at being offered such a goofy sacrifice? This is clearly a family project, with the directors close friends and distant cousins trying to pass themselves off as actors, and the director himself trying to pass himself off as a director. Good gods, a full cast and crew actually wasted an entire sunny weekend making this pile of moose dung. And yet, I found myself rather amused by it all. It's one of my favorite MST3K episodes and I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's the silly names, maybe it's the simplicity of the plot (which reminded me of stories I wrote when I was a dumb kid) maybe I'm secretly attracted to guys with cavernous noses and really stupid names, I don't know. But I liked it. It was just bad enough to be somewhat amusing and was kind of like watching a wrestling match filmed outdoors. I give it a 3 on a scale of 10, and I'm feeling generous today.
Watch the MST3K version if you must watch it at all.