Cynthia: We don't even have money in our budget for coffee filters. We're using a yarmulke!
Ken: Of course I stopped payment on the plugs, you gave me DOLL'S hair!
Whitaker: One more word out of you, Cynthia, and you're fired.
Cynthia: Oh, and which word would that be? Asshole? Shithead?
John: Look, Ed, you put *anybody* on television sixteen hours a day, and sooner or later they're going to fall off a table and land on a cat.
Panel member: A joyous celebration of boobery, that's what it is.
[talking about Ed's dad]
Ed: He cheated on you?
Ed's mother: Well, he had medical problems, he said the woman he was with was a nurse.
Ed: And you believed him!
Ed's mother: Well, she had white shoes.
Ed: So does Grandma! So does Sahquille O-Neil!
Ed Pekurny: Where's Ma?
Al: She's in the kitchen. I'd yell for her but... I'd die.
Al: How about sex?
Ed: I'm sorry, Al, but I'm gonna have to pass. And it's not an age thing, 'cause you are still a handsome man.
Whitaker: Cynthia, another word, and you may consider yourself fired.
Cynthia: Uh-oh. Can you gimme a hint? What word? Uh, *asshole*? *Shithead*? Is that - I bet that - is that one word or two though? I never can remember that. Shithead.
Bill Maher: Okay, since we have Ray Pekurny on the panel today, we thought we'd talk to him about his new book. It's called "My Brother Pissed On Me." Is that a metaphor or did he really piss on you?
Ray Pekurny: It's all in the book, right there.
Bill Maher: Okay, then. Well, I'll be honest, I haven't read it, because, frankly, it sounds kind of stupid.