Kit: White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar.
Kit: It's too cerebral! We're trying to make a movie here, not a film!
Robert K. Bowfinger: She had the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas.
Robert K. Bowfinger: We're finished! It's over between us!
Daisy: But why?
Robert K. Bowfinger: You slept with Jiff.
Robert K. Bowfinger: You know, I never thought about it that way.
Daisy: So I'll see you tonight?
Robert K. Bowfinger: What time?
Kit: Go call Arnold and Sly, and Jackie Chan and Van Damme, and tell them the spearchucker said hello!
Robert K. Bowfinger: ...but what are some of your favorite TV shows?
Daisy: I love the Flintstones.
Robert K. Bowfinger: Oh I love the Flintstones too, that's so good, do you like that? Now, okay, do you like walks in the park?
Daisy: In the rain!
Robert K. Bowfinger: Oh God, you know what, I want you to see the Music Man, because...
Daisy: I've seen that! I love the Music Man!
Robert K. Bowfinger: Isn't Robert Preston good?
Daisy: He's so good! Do you LOVE Smashing Pumpkins?
Robert K. Bowfinger: Are you kid - I LOVE to do that!
[Interviewing Jiff for the movie]
Robert K. Bowfinger: Would you be willing to cut your hair?
Jiff Ramsey: Well, yeah, but it would probably be better if someone else did it. I've had a few... accidents.
Robert K. Bowfinger: This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.
Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: Happy premise #1.
Kit: Happy premise #1: There are no aliens.
Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: Happy premise #2.
Kit: Happy premise #2: There is no giant foot trying to squash me.
Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: Happy premise #3.
Kit: Happy premise #3: Even though I feel like I might ignite, I probably won't.
Kit's Agent: This is a great script! Look, it's not Shakespeare, but it...
Kit: Hey, what did you just say?
Agent: I said, 'it's not Shakespeare'...
Kit: 'It's not Shake... ', 'It's not Shake... ' (to Freddy) Do you hear what he's doing?
Freddy: I know he's doing something, I just can't put my finger on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah... What's he doing?
Kit: Shakespeare, Freddy, Shakespeare!
Kit: Shake a spear! Spearchucker! I'm a spearchucker now!
Robert K. Bowfinger: Wow. Great script. Great script!
[to his dog]
Robert K. Bowfinger: Betsy? It's now or never. We are gonna make a movie.
Robert K. Bowfinger: We need a guy with a fabulous ass! And mine is the wrong color!
Robert K. Bowfinger: Think of this as an errand. Your errand is to run across the freeway until I yell, "Cut!"
[on filming an actor without his giving permission to be filmed]
Robert K. Bowfinger: Did you know Tom Cruise had no idea he was in that vampire movie till two years later?
Robert K. Bowfinger: I'm 49 years old. Admittedly, I could get away with 44, 41, *maybe* 38. But when you hit 50 they don't hire you anymore. It's like they can *smell* 50.
Carol: I'm not supposed to be doing this, but I just want you to know that you were so real in your response to the aliens. I mean, I wasn't even sure that I could be a pod person, but now I'm enjoyong it because you made the aliens come alive. It was like they were living inside of me! At first I was nervous about us having sex, but now I think it's a good idea, as long as we do it in a professional manner... and of course, there will be a lot of people watching. I won't bother you anymore.
Robert K. Bowfinger: And why is this going to work? Because Afrim here is a damn fine screenwriter, as well as accountant and part time receptionist. I said to Afrim "If you can write half as well as you can add-" Well I didn't even have to finish my sentence. Twelve days later he hands me this, this masterpiece. Afrim, tell them what it's called.
Afrim: Chubby Rain.
Robert K. Bowfinger: Tell them why!
Afrim: Because when the aliens come down to earth, they come inside raindrops, making the rain chubby. Chubby rain!
[after seeing Dave's camera which he loaned without permission]
Robert K. Bowfinger: Good camera.
Dave: Yeah. I gotta have it back in every night, or it's a felony. Years you get.
Robert K. Bowfinger: [pats Dave on the shoulder] You'd get.
Robert K. Bowfinger: See that FedEx truck? Every day it delivers important papers to people all over the world. And one day, it is going to stop here, and a man is going to walk up and casually toss a couple of FedExes on my desk. And at that moment, we - and by we, I mean me - will be important.
Daisy: I know what's going on. I may be from Ohio, but I'm not from Ohio.
Robert K. Bowfinger: Now that you and your colleagues here at Mindfu - , head have had a chance to think, what do you say?
[on the ending of the script Chubby Rain]
Robert K. Bowfinger: I mean, at the end of this movie. When our hero, Keith Kincade, looks up at the alien anteanae and says "Gotcha suckas!"... I mean, that is a moment.
Dave: But movies cost millions of dollars to make.
Robert K. Bowfinger: That's after gross net deduction profit percentage deferment ten percent of the nut. Cash, every movie cost $2,184.
Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: And what is it that we don't do?
Kit: Oh, man!
Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: What is it?
Kit: Look, I have to show it to the Laker Girls.
Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: You cannot show it to the Laker Girls. I know you want to show it to the Laker Girls but you can never show it to the Laker Girls. Keep Mr Weenie in the pants. Always in the pants.
Kit: The letter K appears in this script 1,456 times. That's perfectly divisible by 3.
Freddy: So what? So what you saying?
Kit: What am I saying? KKK appears in this script 486 times!
Robert K. Bowfinger: [of a prolonged kissing scene audition] Let's try it one more time, uh, Slater, this time *without* the erection.
Kit: [looking around] Hey! Freddy?
Slater: You heard me Kincade, don't act dumb! Where's the plutonium?
Kit: Hey, the plutonium is mine, its been registered for religious purposes!
Slater: [confused] You, you actually have some plutonium?
Robert K. Bowfinger: [listening] He's got *plutonium*?
Robert K. Bowfinger: Do you have any experience in motion pictures?
Jiff Ramsey: Uh, well, yeah, quite a bit, actually, I have quite a bit of experience. I'm an active, uh, renter at Blockbuster, and I, um, attend the filmed cinema, uh, as much as possible, weekly, bi-weekly, inter-week-... intermediately.
Robert K. Bowfinger: Would you be willing to cut your hair?
Jiff Ramsey: [sighs] Oh, yes, but, uh, it's usually better if someone else does it. I've had a few... accidents.