Desperation (2006 TV Movie)
Mary Jackson: Officer, you saw our registration, you know that isn't our car, and it's not our dope either. Do you think we'd be so stupid?
Collie Entragian: Shut up, you New York deviant.
Mary Jackson: What... What did... What did you call me?
Collie Entragian: I'm arresting you for possession of marijuana with intent to sale.
Peter Jackson: You can't be serious.
Collie Entragian: You have the right to remain silent. If you choose to not be silent, everything you say can be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. I am going to kill you. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand your rights as I explained them to you?
[Peter and Mary are confused and don't know what to say]
Collie Entragian: Do you understand your rights?
Peter Jackson: [to Mary, whispering] Just... Act normally, I don't think he understands what he just said.
Collie Entragian: [shouting] Do you understand your rights? Do you or not? Answer me, you smart-aleck blue state unisex swingles! Do you or not? Do you or not?
Peter Jackson: Yes! Yes, we understand. Please, just... Watch the road.
Collie Entragian: Don't worry about me, I got eyes in the back of my head. You do well to remember that.
Cynthia Smith: Are you a nice person?
Steve Ames: Well, uh, I like to think so. But then again, if I was Ted Bundy, do you think I'd tell you?
[to Peter Jackson]
Collie Entragian: I don't care if you're a Jew, a Hindu, or Mr. Magoo. In Desperation, we don't care about those things much.
Collie Entragian: [looking at Peter's license] I see you're an organ donor.
Collie Entragian: Are you sure that's wise?
Peter Jackson: Where is everybody?
Collie Entragian: Disneyland.
Collie Entragian: Come on, walk, Hayfoot.
Collie Entragian: Strawfoot.
Collie Entragian: You're Peter. And you're Mary. So where's Paul? I mean, how can you sing "Puff the Magic Dragon" without Paul?
[starts walking, then stops again]
Collie Entragian: Wait a minute... Peter Jackson? I LOVE "Lord of the Rings"!
Collie Entragian: You are useless.
Collie Entragian: You at least look healthy.
David Carver: Don't hurt her!
Collie Entragian: Son, I will put a stick through your mother, and spin her around til she catches fire, if I so desire! And you cannot stop me, and I'll come back for you!
John Edward Marinville: Why don't you pray?
David Carver: I can't. Right now I'm too pissed.
John Edward Marinville: At God?
David Carver: At Santa Claus.
Cynthia Smith: Are you going to smoke that or gum it to death?
Steve Ames: Eh... I quit. I still urge to keep the practice though.
Collie Entragian: [after finding the bag of marijuana in Johnny Marinville's motorcycle] Houston - we have a problem.
Tak (voice): Tak commands you to stop!
John Edward Marinville: Donald Rumsfeld commands me to stop. Adam Sandler commands me to stop. Ann Coulter commands me to stop.
Collie Entragian: Don't worry about me. I've got eyes in the back of my head. You'll do well to remember that.