[spying on Mary]
Pat Healy: Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.
[after Mary addresses Ted by name]
Ted: I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.
[after Mary asks Ted to the prom]
Ted: [narrating] From that point on, the guys looked at me in a completely different light.
High School Pal Bob: You're a fuckin' liar!
Dom: Have you ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?
Mary's Step-Father: Boy, don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass!
Ted: What about Brett Fav... ruh?
[Pretending to like retarded kids]
Pat Healy: Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going.
Ted: Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times?
Mary: Didn't we just do that?
Ted: Oh, uh...
Mary: I'm fucking with you, Ted!
Dom: Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.
Pat Healy: What, you think yer shit don't stink?
Ted: No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...
[Tossing drug-laced doggie treats into Mary's apartment]
Pat Healy: Wait... how many is this?
Norm: Umm... four.
Pat Healy: Four? That seems like an aweful lot of speed to give one little pooch. Are you sure it won't kill him?
Norm: I never said that.
Pat Healy: ...eh.
[tosses another through the window anyway]
Magda: The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.
Mary: Who needs him? I've got a vibrator!
Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?
Ted: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.
Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs.
Ted: Right. Yes. OK, all right. I see where you're going.
Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?
Ted: I would go for the 7.
Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.
Ted: You guarantee it? That's - how do you do that?
Hitchhiker: If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B".
Ted: That's right. That's - that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?
Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted: That - good point.
Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 dwarves. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!
Ted: I think I still want to look her up.
Pat Healy: Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts?
Ted: You said she was a real sparkplug.
Pat Healy: No, I said buttplug. She's heinous.
Ted: Japan? What's she doing in Japan?
Pat Healy: Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too.
Ted: What, are they desperate? She's a whale!
Pat Healy: You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.
[When Ted gets his genitals stuck in the zippers]
Charlie Jensen: Is it the frank or the beans?
Ted: I don't know, both I guess.
Warren: [from outside] Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans!
Warren: Have you seen my baseball?
[Ted, Pat, and Tucker have all gone gaga over Mary]
Pat Healy: [to Tucker] We agreed I wouldn't fuck you, and you wouldn't fuck me until we got this fuck
Pat Healy: outta the fuckin' picture!
Jonathan: His friends would say stop whining, they've had enough of that. / His friends would say stop pining, there's other girls to look at. / They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo, / But there's something about Mary that they don't know. / Mary, there's just something about Mary.
Mary's Step-Father: Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?
Mary: Did you mean what you said up there?
Ted: Well ya I just want you to be happy Mary.
Mary: But I'd be happiest with you.
Ted: What about Bret Fahvera...?
Mary: What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan!
Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?
Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb ass.
Mary: Hey, you want to go upstairs and watch SportsCenter?
Ted: No, I think I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead.
Mary: You're not that far ahead, Ted.
[to her girlfriends]
Mary: I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf, and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game, and eat sausages, and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.
Brenda: "Fatty who likes golf and beer." Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?
Ted: He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time!
[after telling Mary that he's an architect]
Pat Healy: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Pat Healy: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat Healy: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.
Ted: So you're moving down to Miami?
Pat Healy: I accepted a job offer.
Ted: With who?
Pat Healy: With... uh... Rice-a-Roni.
Ted: Isn't that the San Francisco treat?
Pat Healy: It *was*. They're changing their image.
Mary: Is that... is that hair gel?
Ted: I had my window?
Norm: Really? Where would I have seen your work?
Pat Healy: Well, have you been to, uh well, let me see... Santiago, Chile?
Norm: Twice last year. Which building's yours?
Pat Healy: Are you familiar with the soccer stadium?
Norm: Did you build the Estadio Olimpico?
Pat Healy: No, just down the street the Celinto Catayente Towers. It's quite a fine example, in fact. I recommend that next time you're up that way that you drop in and take a gander at it yourself.
Ted: [voice over] When I was 16 years old, I fell in love.
Magda: What are you doing?
Magda's boyfriend: That's my girl he's kissing.
Magda: But you just slept with me.
Magda's boyfriend: I was only boning you to get to Mary.
Paramedic in 1985: We got a bleeder!
[at the police station]
Ted: Look, I didn't solicit any sex, OK? This is a huge misunderstanding. I was really going out to pee, I was walking to the bushes, I tripped over this guy - and suddenly all those cops and their helicopters...
Detective Stabler: Ted, Ted, it's OK, we believe you. The problem is we found your friend in the car.
[Detective Stabler refers to the dead body found in Ted's car, which unbeknown to Ted was left by the hitchhiker. Ted has no idea about the body. He thinks the police is going to charge him with giving a ride to hitchhiker, as the hitchhiker told him it was a felony in that state]
Ted: [smiles] Oh, the hitchhiker? That's what this is about, the hitchhiker? Oh, oh, great. This is my luck - I get caught for everything.
Detective Krevoy: [pats strongly on Ted's shoulder] So... you admit it?
Ted: Ah, yeah, guilty as charged. Look, I know you guys got a job to do, alright? And I'm really sorry. I did it, I admit it. You know, the guy even told me, the hitchhiker told me it was illegal.
Detective Krevoy: Well, uh, can you tell us his name?
Ted: Ah... no, I didn't catch it. Can we cut to the chase, I mean, am I like in a lot of trouble here?
Detective Stabler: [nods] First tell us why you did it.
Ted: Why I did it? Ah... I don't know. Boredom? The guy turned to be a blubber mouth who just would not shut up.
Detective Krevoy: [trying to control himself] Ted, this wasn't your first time, was it?
Detective Krevoy: How many are we talking here?
Ted: [confused] Hitchhikers? My whole life? Ah... I don't know - twenty-five, fifty... I mean, who keeps track? Hey, you know, I know this is the Bible Belt and everything, but where I come from this is not that big deal, I mean...
Detective Krevoy: You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry!
[exploding in rage due to Ted's seemingly indifference to murder, detective Krevoy roars, grabs Ted by his shirt and repeatedly slams his head against the desk. Ted yells in pain]
Detective Stabler: Take it easy! Calm down!
[Stabler manages to separate between Krevoy and Ted. Ted falls backward on the floor]
Detective Stabler: [to Krevoy] Are you OK?
Ted: [to Krevoy] What the hell is wrong with you?
Warren: [as Ted is being taken on a stretcher to the ambulance] He was masturbating! He was masturbating!
Dom: You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why?
Ted: Cause I'm tired...
Dom: Wrong! It's 'cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will fuck you're head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually... you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.
Stripper: Go to hell!
Norm: Haha I love it when you talk dirty to me, man.
Ted: [referring to the zipper incident] I never told you that.
Dom: Well Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away.
Pat Healy: [after hearing Tucker's conversation with Mary] Your gonna pay, fucker.
Pat Healy: My real passion is my hobby.
Mary: Really, what's that?
Pat Healy: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little, uhm, politically incorrect?
Pat Healy: Well, heh, to hell with that... no one's going to tell me who I can and can't work with, right?
Mary: No, I mean...
Pat Healy: We got this one kid, Mongo... He's got a forehead like a drive-in movie theatre, but he's a good ship. So we don't bust his chops too much. So, one day Mongo gets out of his cage...
Mary: They keep him in a cage?
Pat Healy: Well, it's just an enclosure...
Mary: No, but they keep him confined?
Pat Healy: Right, yeah.
Mary: That's bullshit!
Pat Healy: Well, that's what I said! So, I went out and I got him, uh, I got him a leash.
Mary: A leash?
Pat Healy: Yeah, one of those ones you can hook on the clothesline, and he can run back and forth and, uh, there's plenty of room for him to dig and play. That kid is really, uh, he's really blossomed.
Ted: I say they should put more meats on a stick, you know? They got a lot of sweets on sticks-popsicles, fudgesicles, lollipops - but hardly any meat.
Mary: I agree there should be more.
Ted: You know what I'd like to see? Meat in a cone. You could put corned beef hash in a cone, or chopped liver.
[Ted has just learned that Dom was Mary's high school boyfriend, for a short time, but now Dom wants to get Mary back for himself]
Ted: But you're married! You have a wife, beautiful kids!
Dom: [rolls his eyes up to the ceiling] Ted, if you love them so much, please, be my guest!
[Mary's rival suitors - Ted, Pat, Dom, and Norm - are confronting her and each other in her home]
Norm: Oh, man, this is like group therapy or somethin'!
[while Mary's suitors are quarreling, Brett Favre comes into the room, giving Warren a piggyback ride]
Brett Favre: Hi, Mary!
Mary: [astonished] Brett?
Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?
Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb-ass.
Ted: Yeah, I called him, Mary. I told him to pick up Warren and get down here. See, your friend Tucker was lying about a couple of other things.
[Norm, Dom and Pat ease over to the window, apparently afraid of Brett Favre]
Ted: Brett never said those bad things about Warren. He loves Warren. And from what he told me on the phone just now, he loves you, too. He's the guy you should be with.