Quotes

[spying on Mary]

Pat Healy: Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.

[after Mary asks Ted to the prom]

Ted: [narrating] From that point on, the guys looked at me in a completely different light.

High School Pal Bob: You're a fuckin' liar!

Mary's Step-Father: Boy, don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass!

[Pretending to like retarded kids]

Pat Healy: Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going.

Dom: Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.

Pat Healy: What, you think yer shit don't stink?

Ted: No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...

[Tossing drug-laced doggie treats into Mary's apartment]

Pat Healy: Wait... how many is this?

Norm: Umm... four.

Pat Healy: Four? That seems like an aweful lot of speed to give one little pooch. Are you sure it won't kill him?

Norm: I never said that.

Pat Healy: ...eh.

[tosses another through the window anyway]

Mary: Who needs him? I've got a vibrator!

Ted: I think I still want to look her up.

Pat Healy: Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts?

Ted: You said she was a real sparkplug.

Pat Healy: No, I said buttplug. She's heinous.

[When Ted gets his genitals stuck in the zippers]

Charlie Jensen: Is it the frank or the beans?

Ted: I don't know, both I guess.

Warren: [from outside] Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans!

[Ted, Pat, and Tucker have all gone gaga over Mary]

Pat Healy: [to Tucker] We agreed I wouldn't fuck you, and you wouldn't fuck me until we got this fuck

[Ted]

Pat Healy: outta the fuckin' picture!

Mary's Step-Father: Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?

Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?

Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb ass.

[to her girlfriends]

Mary: I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf, and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game, and eat sausages, and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.

Brenda: "Fatty who likes golf and beer." Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?

[after telling Mary that he's an architect]

Pat Healy: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.

Mary: And what's that?

Pat Healy: I work with retards.

Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?

Pat Healy: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.

Mary: Is that... is that hair gel?

Norm: Really? Where would I have seen your work?

Pat Healy: Well, have you been to, uh well, let me see... Santiago, Chile?

Norm: Twice last year. Which building's yours?

Pat Healy: Are you familiar with the soccer stadium?

Norm: Did you build the Estadio Olimpico?

Pat Healy: No, just down the street the Celinto Catayente Towers. It's quite a fine example, in fact. I recommend that next time you're up that way that you drop in and take a gander at it yourself.

[last lines]

Magda: What are you doing?

Magda's boyfriend: That's my girl he's kissing.

Magda: But you just slept with me.

Magda's boyfriend: I was only boning you to get to Mary.

[at the police station]

Ted: Look, I didn't solicit any sex, OK? This is a huge misunderstanding. I was really going out to pee, I was walking to the bushes, I tripped over this guy - and suddenly all those cops and their helicopters...

Detective Stabler: Ted, Ted, it's OK, we believe you. The problem is we found your friend in the car.

[Detective Stabler refers to the dead body found in Ted's car, which unbeknown to Ted was left by the hitchhiker. Ted has no idea about the body. He thinks the police is going to charge him with giving a ride to hitchhiker, as the hitchhiker told him it was a felony in that state]

Ted: [smiles] Oh, the hitchhiker? That's what this is about, the hitchhiker? Oh, oh, great. This is my luck - I get caught for everything.

Detective Krevoy: [pats strongly on Ted's shoulder] So... you admit it?

Ted: Ah, yeah, guilty as charged. Look, I know you guys got a job to do, alright? And I'm really sorry. I did it, I admit it. You know, the guy even told me, the hitchhiker told me it was illegal.

Detective Krevoy: Well, uh, can you tell us his name?

Ted: Ah... no, I didn't catch it. Can we cut to the chase, I mean, am I like in a lot of trouble here?

Detective Stabler: [nods] First tell us why you did it.

Ted: Why I did it? Ah... I don't know. Boredom? The guy turned to be a blubber mouth who just would not shut up.

Detective Krevoy: [trying to control himself] Ted, this wasn't your first time, was it?

Ted: No.

Detective Krevoy: How many are we talking here?

Ted: [confused] Hitchhikers? My whole life? Ah... I don't know - twenty-five, fifty... I mean, who keeps track? Hey, you know, I know this is the Bible Belt and everything, but where I come from this is not that big deal, I mean...

Detective Krevoy: You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry!

[exploding in rage due to Ted's seemingly indifference to murder, detective Krevoy roars, grabs Ted by his shirt and repeatedly slams his head against the desk. Ted yells in pain]

Detective Stabler: Take it easy! Calm down!

[Stabler manages to separate between Krevoy and Ted. Ted falls backward on the floor]

Detective Stabler: [to Krevoy] Are you OK?

Ted: [to Krevoy] What the hell is wrong with you?

Dom: You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why?

Ted: Cause I'm tired...

Dom: Wrong! It's 'cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will fuck you're head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually... you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.

Ted: [referring to the zipper incident] I never told you that.

Dom: Well Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away.

Pat Healy: My real passion is my hobby.

Mary: Really, what's that?

Pat Healy: I work with retards.

Mary: Isn't that a little, uhm, politically incorrect?

Pat Healy: Well, heh, to hell with that... no one's going to tell me who I can and can't work with, right?

Mary: No, I mean...

Pat Healy: We got this one kid, Mongo... He's got a forehead like a drive-in movie theatre, but he's a good ship. So we don't bust his chops too much. So, one day Mongo gets out of his cage...

Mary: They keep him in a cage?

Pat Healy: Well, it's just an enclosure...

Mary: No, but they keep him confined?

Pat Healy: Right, yeah.

Mary: That's bullshit!

Pat Healy: Well, that's what I said! So, I went out and I got him, uh, I got him a leash.

Mary: A leash?

Pat Healy: Yeah, one of those ones you can hook on the clothesline, and he can run back and forth and, uh, there's plenty of room for him to dig and play. That kid is really, uh, he's really blossomed.

[Ted has just learned that Dom was Mary's high school boyfriend, for a short time, but now Dom wants to get Mary back for himself]

Ted: But you're married! You have a wife, beautiful kids!

Dom: [rolls his eyes up to the ceiling] Ted, if you love them so much, please, be my guest!

[while Mary's suitors are quarreling, Brett Favre comes into the room, giving Warren a piggyback ride]

Brett Favre: Hi, Mary!

Mary: [astonished] Brett?

Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?

Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb-ass.

Ted: Yeah, I called him, Mary. I told him to pick up Warren and get down here. See, your friend Tucker was lying about a couple of other things.

[Norm, Dom and Pat ease over to the window, apparently afraid of Brett Favre]

Ted: Brett never said those bad things about Warren. He loves Warren. And from what he told me on the phone just now, he loves you, too. He's the guy you should be with.