Herman Blume: What's the secret, Max?
Max Fischer: The secret?
Herman Blume: Yeah, you seem to have it pretty figured out.
Max Fischer: The secret, I don't know... I guess you've just gotta find something you love to do and then... do it for the rest of your life. For me, it's going to Rushmore.
Max Fischer: I like your nurse's uniform, guy.
Dr. Peter Flynn: These are O.R. scrubs.
Max Fischer: O, R they?
Herman Blume: You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you.
Max Fischer: My top schools where I want to apply to are Oxford and the Sorbonne. My safety's Harvard.
Max Fischer: Maybe I'm spending too much of my time starting up clubs and putting on plays. I should probably be trying harder to score chicks.
Herman Blume: Mmm, I'm a little bit lonely these days
[Max has just petitioned to make Latin a required subject]
Magnus Buchan: [heavy Scottish brogue] Why dincha just piss off, Fischer? Ya dotty wee skid mark!
Max Fischer: Is that Latin?
Rosemary Cross: How did I hurt your feelings?
Max Fischer: Oh, my God! I wrote a hit play!
Max Fischer: And I'm in love with you.
Rosemary Cross: Has it ever crossed your mind that you're far too young for me?
Max Fischer: It crossed my mind that you might consider that a possibility, yeah.
Rosemary Cross: Do you think we're going to have sex?
Max Fischer: That's a kinda cheap way to put it.
Rosemary Cross: Not if you've ever fucked before, it isn't.
Dr. Peter Flynn: I understand you're a neurosurgeon.
Bert Fischer: No, I'm a barber, but a lot of people make that mistake.
[Introducing his play "Heaven and Hell"]
Max Fischer: Also, you'll find a pair of safety glasses and some earplugs under your seats. Please feel free to use them.
Dr. Peter Flynn: I didn't know we were going to dinner.
Max Fischer: Well, that's because you weren't invited.
Max Fischer: The truth is, neither one of us has the slightest idea where this relationship is going. We can't predict the future.
Rosemary Cross: We don't have a relationship.
Max Fischer: But we're friends.
Rosemary Cross: Yes, and that's all we're *going* to be. Well, yes...
Max Fischer: That's all I meant by "relationship." You want me to grab a dictionary?
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: We're putting you on what we call sudden death academic probation.
Max Fischer: And what does that entail?
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: It entails that if you fail another class, you'll be asked to leave Rushmore.
Max Fischer: In other words, I'll be expelled.
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: That's correct.
Max Fischer: Can I see some documentation on that, please?
[Guggenheim hands him his transcript]
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: Too many extracurricular activities, Max. Not enough studying
Max Fischer: Dr. Guggenheim, I don't want to tell you how to do your job. But the fact is, no matter how hard I try, I still might flunk another class. If that means I have to stay on for a post-graduate year, so be it...
- We don't offer a post-graduate year.
Max Fischer: Well, we don't offer it yet.
Rosemary Cross: Well, you pulled it off.
Max Fischer: Yeah, it went okay. At least nobody got hurt.
Rosemary Cross: Except you.
Magnus Buchan: I always wanted to be in one of your fuckin' plays.
Max Fischer: [to Dr. Peter] I was punched in the face. What's your excuse?
Max Fischer: So you were in Vietnam?
Herman Blume: Yeah.
Max Fischer: Were you in the shit?
Herman Blume: Yeah, I was in the shit.
Student: If, and only if, both sides of the numerator is divisible by the inverse of he square root of the two unassigned variable.
School Professor: Good. Except when the value of the "X" coordinate is equal to or less than the value of one. Yes Isaac?
Student: What about *that* problem?
School Professor: Oh, that? Don't worry about that.
Student: Wait. Why?
School Professor: I just put that up as a joke. That's probably the hardest geometry equation in the world.
Student: Well, how much extra credit is it worth?
School Professor: Well, considering I've never seen anyone get it right, including my mentor Dr. Leaky at MIT, I guess if anyone here can solve that problem, I'd see to it that none of you ever have to open another math book again for the rest of your lives.
Bert Fischer: [in clapping audience] That's my son. That's my Maxie.
Herman Blume: Take it easy, Max.
Rosemary Cross: You were the one that ordered him a whiskey and soda.
Max Fischer: So what's wrong with that? I can write a hit play. Why can't I have a little drink to unwind myself?
Dirk Calloway: Oh yeah and with friends like you who needs friends?
Ernie: What kind of fish?
Max Fischer: Barracuda, stingrays, electric eels, trout, hammerheads, piranha, giant squid, octopi...
Herman Blume: Piranhas? Really?
Max Fischer: Yes, I'm talking to a guy in South America.
Herman Blume: Never in my wildest imagination did I ever dream I would have sons like these.
[Describing Max to the police]
Herman Blume: 112 pounds. Black hair. Glasses... Oval face.
Herman Blume: Why did you ask me to come here?
Max Fischer: Oh, I was going to drop that tree on you.
Herman Blume: That big one?
Max Fischer: Yeah.
Herman Blume: It would've flattened me like a pancake.
Max Fischer: What was your major?
Rosemary Cross: I didn't have a major, but my thesis was on Latin American economic policy.
Max Fischer: Oh, that's interesting. Did you hear that they're not going to teach Latin anymore?
Rosemary Cross: This was more like Central America.
Mr. Littlejeans: Best play ever, man.
Max Fischer: [during his play "Heaven and Hell"] Maybe We'll meet again someday...
[holds up a peace sign]
Max Fischer: When the fighting stops.
Rosemary Cross: [to Max] You know, you and Herman deserve each other. You're both little children.
Margaret Yang: You're a real jerk to me, you know that?
Max Fischer: I'm sorry, Margaret.
Margaret Yang: Well anyway, nice to see you.
Max Fischer: How the hell did you get so rich? You're a quitter, man!
Herman Blume: I spent eight million dollars on this.
Max Fischer: And is that all you're willing to spend?
Max Fischer: So tell me Curly, how do you know Miss Cross?
Dr. Peter Flynn: We went to Harvard together.
Max Fischer: Oh that's great. I wrote a hit play and directed it, so I'm not sweating it either.
Max Fischer: [to Rosemary] We both have dead people in our families.
Herman Blume: [to Max] She's in love with a dead guy anyway.
Rosemary Cross: That's none of your business.
Max Fischer: I know it's not, but I just got hit my a car and I'm feeling a little confused.
Herman Blume: Come work for me.
Max Fischer: What do you mean?
Herman Blume: I mean I-I could use someone like you.
Max Fischer: Look, I may not be rich, Mr. Blume, my father may only be a doctor, but we manage.
Herman Blume: So you've changed your mind and you want the job.
Max Fischer: No, I've got an idea and I need some money.
[in a letter to Max]
Dirk Calloway: Dear Max, I am sorry to say that I have secretly found out that Mr. Blume is having an affair with Miss Cross. My first suspicions came when I saw them Frenching in front of our house. And then I knew for sure when they went skinny dipping in Mr. Blume's swimming pool, giving each other handjobs while you were taking a nap on the front porch.
Max Fischer: I don't give a shit about the barracudas, fuck it! I'm building it anyway.
Max Fischer: Tell that stupid Mick he just made my list of things to do today.
Herman Blume: What does Guggenheim say?
Max Fischer: Nothing. I felt I should go to you first.
Herman Blume: Why?
Max Fischer: Because at this moment I feel our best strategy is to keep a low profile. The more preparation I can do, the stronger our case will be when we go to the administration.
Herman Blume: How much do you want?
Max Fischer: $35.000 for the initial plans.
Herman Blume: I'll give you $2500.
Herman Blume: [on Max's offering a small box] What's this?
[Herman opens it and looks]
Max Fischer: That's the Perfect Attendance Award and the Punctuality Award. I got those at Rushmore. I thought you could choose which one you like more, and you could wear one and I could wear the other.
Herman Blume: [after gravely considering both the proffered olive branch and the choice] I'll take Punctuality.
Max Fischer: [smiles] Okay.
Max Fischer: Good. I just wanted to inform you about what is going on.
[Dr. Guggenheim stares at Max with contempt]
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: I never took you for an informer, Max.
Herman Blume: You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything, but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you.
Bert Fischer: You're like one of those clipper ship captains. You're married to the sea.
Max Fischer: Yes, that's true.
Max Fischer: But I've been out to sea for a long time.
Max Fischer: What do you call getting a handjob from Mrs. Calloway in the back of her Jaguar?
Magnus Buchan: A fucking lie.
Max Fischer: You think I got kicked out because of just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you know what else? It was worth it.
Max Fischer: How much are you worth, by the way?
Herman Blume: I don't know.
Max Fischer: Over ten million?
Herman Blume: Yeah, I guess so.
Max Fischer: Good, good.
Herman Blume: Why?
Max Fischer: Cause we're gonna need all of it.
Architect: Mr. Blume, how are Ronny and Donny enjoying military school?
Herman Blume: They love it.
Magnus Buchan: Lucky bastards.
Dirk Calloway: [to Max] I just wanted to say, I'm sorry I threw rocks at you that day.
Herman Blume: Kids don't like it when their parents get divorced.
Max Fischer: [to Rosemary] I'm sorry, I just came by to thank you for WRECKING MY LIFE!