Quotes

Rosemary Cross: Has it ever crossed your mind that you're far too young for me?

Max Fischer: It crossed my mind that you might consider that a possibility, yeah.

Herman Blume: You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you.

Max Fischer: I like your nurse's uniform, guy.

Dr. Peter Flynn: These are O.R. scrubs.

Max Fischer: O, R they?

Herman Blume: What's the secret, Max?

Max Fischer: The secret?

Herman Blume: Yeah, you seem to have it pretty figured out.

Max Fischer: The secret, I don't know... I guess you've just gotta find something you love to do and then... do it for the rest of your life. For me, it's going to Rushmore.

Max Fischer: What do you call getting a handjob from Mrs. Calloway in the back of her Jaguar?

Magnus Buchan: A fucking lie.

Max Fischer: You think I got kicked out because of just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you know what else? It was worth it.

Max Fischer: The truth is, neither one of us has the slightest idea where this relationship is going. We can't predict the future.

Rosemary Cross: We don't have a relationship.

Max Fischer: But we're friends.

Rosemary Cross: Yes, and that's all we're *going* to be. Well, yes...

Max Fischer: That's all I meant by "relationship." You want me to grab a dictionary?

Dirk Calloway: There's action across the street.

[static]

Dirk Calloway: It's Snowman! Take him!

Herman Blume: She's my Rushmore.

Max Fischer: I know. She was mine too.

Max Fischer: How the hell did you get so rich? You're a quitter, man!

Herman Blume: I spent eight million dollars on this.

Max Fischer: And is that all you're willing to spend?

Ernie: What kind of fish?

Max Fischer: Barracuda, stingrays, electric eels, trout, hammerheads, piranha, giant squid, octopi...

Herman Blume: Piranhas? Really?

Max Fischer: Yes, I'm talking to a guy in South America.

[Introducing his play "Heaven and Hell"]

Max Fischer: Also, you'll find a pair of safety glasses and some earplugs under your seats. Please feel free to use them.

[Max has just petitioned to make Latin a required subject]

Magnus Buchan: [heavy Scottish brogue] Why dincha just piss off, Fischer? Ya dotty wee skid mark!

Max Fischer: Is that Latin?

Dr. Peter Flynn: I understand you're a neurosurgeon.

Bert Fischer: No, I'm a barber, but a lot of people make that mistake.

Herman Blume: Indefinitely. I'm being sued for divorce.

Concierge: Very good sir.

Max Fischer: [to Rosemary] We both have dead people in our families.

Herman Blume: Kids don't like it when their parents get divorced.

Rosemary Cross: That's none of your business.

Max Fischer: I know it's not, but I just got hit my a car and I'm feeling a little confused.

Dr. Peter Flynn: I didn't know we were going to dinner.

Max Fischer: Well, that's because you weren't invited.

[Describing Max to the police]

Herman Blume: 112 pounds. Black hair. Glasses... Oval face.

Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: We're putting you on what we call sudden death academic probation.

Max Fischer: And what does that entail?

Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: It entails that if you fail another class, you'll be asked to leave Rushmore.

Max Fischer: In other words, I'll be expelled.

Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: That's correct.

Max Fischer: Can I see some documentation on that, please?

[Guggenheim hands him his transcript]

Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: Too many extracurricular activities, Max. Not enough studying

Max Fischer: Dr. Guggenheim, I don't want to tell you how to do your job. But the fact is, no matter how hard I try, I still might flunk another class. If that means I have to stay on for a post-graduate year, so be it...

Dr. Nelson Guggenheim:

• We don't offer a post-graduate year.

Max Fischer: Well, we don't offer it yet.

Herman Blume: Why did you ask me to come here?

Max Fischer: Oh, I was going to drop that tree on you.

Herman Blume: That big one?

Max Fischer: Yeah.

Herman Blume: It would've flattened me like a pancake.

Herman Blume: Come work for me.

Max Fischer: What do you mean?

Herman Blume: I mean I-I could use someone like you.

Max Fischer: Look, I may not be rich, Mr. Blume, my father may only be a doctor, but we manage.

Herman Blume: She's sweet, but she's fucked-up.

Bert Fischer: You're like one of those clipper ship captains. You're married to the sea.

Max Fischer: Yes, that's true.

[pause]

Max Fischer: But I've been out to sea for a long time.

Mr. Littlejeans: Best play ever, man.

[in a letter to Max]

Dirk Calloway: Dear Max, I am sorry to say that I have secretly found out that Mr. Blume is having an affair with Miss Cross. My first suspicions came when I saw them Frenching in front of our house. And then I knew for sure when they went skinny dipping in Mr. Blume's swimming pool, giving each other handjobs while you were taking a nap on the front porch.

Max Fischer: [during his play "Heaven and Hell"] Maybe We'll meet again someday...

[holds up a peace sign]

Max Fischer: When the fighting stops.

Max Fischer: Tell that stupid Mick he just made my list of things to do today.

Rosemary Cross: [to Max] You know, you and Herman deserve each other. You're both little children.

Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: It's Fischer!

Bert Fischer: [in clapping audience] That's my son. That's my Maxie.

Herman Blume: [on Max's offering a small box] What's this?

[Herman opens it and looks]

Max Fischer: That's the Perfect Attendance Award and the Punctuality Award. I got those at Rushmore. I thought you could choose which one you like more, and you could wear one and I could wear the other.

Herman Blume: [after gravely considering both the proffered olive branch and the choice] I'll take Punctuality.

Max Fischer: [smiles] Okay.