Mike McDermott: Listen, here's the thing. If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker.
Mike McDermott: In "Confessions of a Winning Poker Player," Jack King said, "Few players recall big pots they have won, strange as it seems, but every player can remember with remarkable accuracy the outstanding tough beats of his career." It seems true to me, cause walking in here, I can hardly remember how I built my bankroll, but I can't stop thinking of how I lost it.
[Mike's girlfriend has just left him over his broken promise not to play poker]
Worm: You know what always cheers me up?
Mike McDermott: No, what's that?
Worm: Rolled up aces over kings. Check-raising stupid tourists and taking huge pots off of them. Playing all-night high-limit Hold'em at the Taj, "where the sand turns to gold." Stacks and towers of checks I can't even see over.
Mike McDermott: Fuck it, let's go.
Worm: Don't tease me.
Mike McDermott: Let's play some cards.
Mike McDermott: First prize at the World Series of Poker is a million bucks. Does it have my name on it? I don't know. But, I'm gonna find out.
Mike McDermott: If you had it to do all over again, knowing what would happen, would you make the same choice?
Professor Petrovsky: What choice?
Mike McDermott: Why do you think the same five guys make it to the final table of the World Series of Poker EVERY YEAR? What, are they the luckiest guys in Las Vegas?
Teddy KGB: Lays down a monster. The fuck did you lay that down?
Mike McDermott: You can't lose what you don't put in the middle.
Mike McDermott: But you can't win much either.
Mike McDermott: Uh, you know what? I got my five grand here. That's just fine by me. I'm going home.
Teddy KGB: Fine. It's a fucking joke anyway. After all, I am paying you with your money.
Mike McDermott: What did you say?
Teddy KGB: Your money... I am still up grand... from this last time I stick it in you.
Mike McDermott: [Narrating] They're trying to goad me, trying to own me. But this isn't a gunfight. It's not about pride or ego. It's only about money. I can leave now, even with Grama and KGB... and halfway to paying Petrovsky back. That's the safe play. I told Worm you can't lose what you don't put in the middle. But you can't win much either.
Teddy KGB: In my club, I will splash the pot whenever the fuck I please.
Mike McDermott: I've often seen these people, these squares at the table, short stack and long odds against them. All their outs gone. One last card in the deck that can help them. I used to wonder how they could let themselves get into such bad shape, and how the hell they thought they could turn it around.
Jo: Mike, I learned it from you. You always told me this was the rule. Rule number one: Throw away your cards the moment you know they can't win. Fold the fucking hand.
Worm: She's really got him by the balls.
Petra: That's not so bad, is it?
Worm: It depends on the grip!
Worm: Hey! If you want to see this seventh card you're gonna stop speakin' fuckin' Sputnick.
Teddy KGB: He beat me... Straight up... Pay him... Pay that man his money.
Mike McDermott: Are you satisfied now, Teddy? Because I can keep busting you up all night if you like.
Worm: Like my uncle Les used to say "When the money is gone, it's time to move on". So enjoy it, you secret handshaking assholes.
Mike McDermott: You comin' up?
Lester 'Worm' Murphy: No, I've been standin' out here all this time just to say hi.
Mike McDermott: All right, listen, things haven't been that smooth on the homefront so, you know, tone it down a little, all right?
Lester 'Worm' Murphy: Tone done what, motherfucker?
Worm: Now, what did I ever do to that guy?
Mike McDermott: You fucked his mother.
Teddy KGB: Nyet! Nyet! No More! No! Not tonight! This son of bitch, all night he, "Check. Check. Check." He trap me!
Grama: Enough is enough, Teddy. Finish the fucking kid off.
Teddy KGB: Hanging around, hanging around. Kid's got alligator blood. Can't get rid of him.
Store Clerk: Hey, lemme ask you a question. In the legal sense, can fuckin' Steinbrenner move the Yankees? Does he have the fuckin' right to just move them?
Mike McDermott: How should I know that?
Store Clerk: You didn't learn that yet?
Mike McDermott: No, we get to Steinbrenner in third year law school.
Store Clerk: Oh...
Mike McDermott: [quoting a gambling maxim] You can shear a sheep many times, but skin him only once.
Teddy KGB: It hurts doesn't it? Your hopes dashed, your dreams down the toilet. And your fate is sitting right besides you.
Mike McDermott: The game is no limit hold 'em. The Cadillac of poker.
Teddy KGB: That ace could not have helped you.
[drops all of his chips onto the table]
Teddy KGB: I bet it all.
Mike McDermott: [laughs] You're right Teddy, the ace didn't help.
[pushes chips towards the center and flops down his cards]
Mike McDermott: I flopped the nut straight.
Professor Petrovsky: We can't run from who we are. Our destiny chooses us.
Mike McDermott: Would you stop fucking around, for five goddamn minutes for once in your fucking life?
Worm: Whoa, Jesus, what happened? My old man just walked in.
Mike McDermott: You were lookin' for that third three, but you forgot that Professor Green folded on Fourth Street and now you're representing that you have it. The DA made his two pair, but he knows they're no good. Judge Kaplan was trying to squeeze out a diamond flush but he came up short and Mr. Eisen is futilely hoping that his queens are going to stand up. So like I said, the Dean's bet is $20.
[His girlfriend says they don't have time for sex now]
Mike McDermott: I'll be really quick. You won't feel a thing.
Lester 'Worm' Murphy: Where did you come up with the scratch for that? You've been rolling fags in the Village again, haven't you?
Worm: I guess the sayings' true. In the poker game of life, women are the rake man. They are the fuckin' rake.
Mike McDermott: What the fuck are you talkin' about. What saying?
Worm: I-I don't know. There ought to be one though.
Mike McDermott: I want him to think that I am pondering a call, but all I'm really thinkin about it Vegas and the fuckin' Mirage.
Taki: What did you think he had? Does he look like a man beaten by jacks?
Zizzo: Jacks are a monster compared to the crap you've played
Taki: Fuuc you... fuck you...
Zizzo: Fuck Me? Fuck You!
Teddy KGB: [after Mike raises in the very first game against Teddy] That's a position raise, I call.
Mike McDermott: It's like the nature channel... you don't see Piranhas eating themselves, do you?
Worm: Why do you think your moves are so grand and noble and I'm always the idiot piece of shit!
Worm: You wanna see the seventh card, stop speaking fucking sputnik! I'm sure you guys were talking about pirogies and snow but let's cut that out.
Mike McDermott: That's 4,400. I'm gonna call you. Or else, I won't respect myself tomorrow morning.
Teddy KGB: Respect is all you have left in the morning!
Joey Knish: I'm listening. What do you need? 500? A grand?
Mike McDermott: Huh? I need... I need 15,000.
Joey Knish: Fifteen?
Mike McDermott: Yep.
Joey Knish: I need a blow job from Christy Turlington. Get the fuck outta here. $15,000?
Mike McDermott: I feel like Buckner walking back into Shea.
Teddy KGB: If you don't have my money then you are mine.
Mike McDermott: What happened?
Lester 'Worm' Murphy: Nothing, she closed her legs too fast!
Jo: What kind of a job is that going to be, Mike um, writing an opinion on high stakes poker?
Mike McDermott: Hon, you're the one that told me I should use my poker skills in the court room.
Worm: Hey, I'm not gonna let a garbage can fall on my head.
Mike McDermott: No, you're gonna jump out of the way and let it land on me.
- Long time. - Knish. How are you?
Joey Knish: The same.
Professor Petrovsky: For generations, the men of my family have been rabbis. It was to be my calling. I was quite a prodigy. The elders said I had a 70-year-old's understanding of the midrahs by the time I was 14. But by the time I was finished with my studies I knew I could never be a rabbi.
Mike McDermott: Why not?
Professor Petrovsky: Because for all I understood of the Talmud, I never saw God there.