Can't Hardly Wait (1998)
William: You see the salt on this pretzel? Look at the stars. Some people, they say the stars are billions and billions of tons of hot gas. But I think maybe, maybe it's just God's salt. And God's just waiting to eat us.
Stoner Guy: You know who else I like that didn't get much play? Velma from Scooby-Doo. She was cool. She was a hip, hip lady.
Stoner Guy: Preston? I dunno, his hair's kinda, I dunno, brown?
Matt, Watermelon Guy: No, it's not really brown. Oh, he's tall.
Stoner Guy: Yeah, he's kinda kinda tall. Sorta tall. And he's like always wearing like t-shirts.
Amanda Becket: So, he's sort of tall?
Stoner Guy: Kind of.
Amanda Becket: With... hair?
Stoner Guy: Yeah.
Amanda Becket: And he wears t-shirts sometimes?
Stoner Guy: Yeah.
Matt, Watermelon Guy: Yes.
Amanda Becket: That's it?
Matt, Watermelon Guy: Yes
Stoner Guy: Well... I mean, he's Preston. It's Preston. Ya know?
Matt, Watermelon Guy: I like that guy.
Stoner Guy: Pres-STONE!
[Amanda turns and walks off]
Stoner Guy: You know who else I like, who never got much play? Is Velma, from Scooby-Doo
Matt, Watermelon Guy: Rooby Rooby Roo!
Stoner Guy: She - right - she was also a cool - she was a hip, hip, lady.
Matt, Watermelon Guy: Hip Chick.
[Kenny's homeboys see him display his 'love kit']
Ritchie Koolboy: Aw damn, man. Our boy's a fag, yo.
DJ Sammy: Yo, who's a fag?
Kenny Fisher: Yo, both of y'all. That is a "Fragrance of Love" scented candle, bitch. Damn!
Denise: Besides, I heard that song was about his dog.
Preston: It's not about a dog. It's about a woman named Amanda. Who the hell names their dog Amanda?
Denise: My cousin had a dog name Samantha.
Preston: Shut up about the dog, OK?
Denise: There's a mirror right there. Take a look, you're white.
[sees Kenny Fisher posing in a mirror]
Denise: Looks like someone's auditioning for "Soul Train."
Preston: Do you have to rat out on everybody?
Denise: Oh, come on! His wardrobe alone leaves him open for public mockery.
Preston: [narrating] It was October, freshman year. First time in history that I'd ever missed the bus. If I had arrived on time, I never would've seen her. But as it was, I was the first person at Huntington Hills High to set eyes on Amanda Beckett. It was her first day at school. Then, I'm sitting in class enjoying a late breakfast when out of all the classrooms in the entire school, she walks into mine. And where does the teacher sit her? Right next to me! Now, up until now, one could write this off to coincidence. But then she reaches in her bag and pulls out a strawberry Pop-Tart - the very same breakfast pastry I was consuming at that moment! What was I to do? How was I to proceed?
Denise: Just so you know, judging from my little experience, I kind of believe in fate. It just works in really fucked up ways sometimes.
Preston: Especially in your case. I'm sorry. You gave that to me, I just had to take it. Take care. Peace out, G!
[Kenny walks up to a stoned girl]
Kenny Fisher: Hey, whatsup?
Kenny Fisher: Damn, it is noisy in here. Wanna go talk outside? Should be quieter out there.
Stephanie, Stoned Girl: Okay.
[Kenny sees that the girl's eyes are blank]
Kenny Fisher: Do you, uh... what a drink?
Stephanie, Stoned Girl: Okay.
Kenny Fisher: Uh... how 'bout I poison it?
Stephanie, Stoned Girl: Okay.
[Kenny sees that she's totally stoned]
Kenny Fisher: Hey, whaddya say we, uh... go upstairs and...
[another girl enters]
Candy, Stoned Girl's Friend: Stephanie! There you are!
Candy, Stoned Girl's Friend: Thank God you found her! She just took three thingies of herbal ecstasy and wondered off! She's so out of it, anything could have happened and she probably wouldn't even know it! God, I was so worried somebody was... well you know, taking advantage of her or something. Here, help me get her on her feet.
[Kenny helps the friend help the stoned girl stand up and the two girls walk off]
Candy, Stoned Girl's Friend: Come on honey, I'm gonna take you to the car.
Stephanie, Stoned Girl: Okay.
[holding up a card]
William: I downloaded this little baby off the Net. I will know exactly how many spirits I may imbibe without affecting my judgment or my behavior.
X-Phile 2: You have every angle covered.
X-Phile 1: You know William, from this light, you somewhat resemble David Duchovny.
Angel Stripper: Fate! There is such a thing as fate, but it only takes you so far. Then it's up to you to make it happen.
William: Witness Exhibit A: My 8th Grade science project - a working rain forest. Mike Dexter threw it out a third story window. It rains here no more. Witness Exhibit B: An eye patch I wore for a month after Mike beaned me with a raisin in home ec. My parents took me to a 3D film. I saw no third dimension. And of course, how could I forget the pudding incident? I know no one else has. Well gentlemen, tonight, Mike Dexter will know humiliation. Tonight Mike Dexter will know ridicule. Tonight is the night we fight back. Tonight is our independence night.
William: You know what they say about women and trolley cars. There's plenty of 'em in the sea.
Mike Dexter: Guys, we're gonna be in college soon. You know what there's gonna be in college, right?
Jake, Jock #1: [beat] Girls that used to be in high school.
Mike Dexter: No, women. College women. Women with no curfew, women on the pill, women... women, bro. We are staring into the future here. And the future is women.
Kenny Fisher: Yo, I gotta have sex tonight! I mean peep this - They say here ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active. Ninety-two of the women in Los Angeles at UCLA walking around going, "Class... or sex? What shall I do?" Ninety-two percent, yo! Hey, you know what that means?
Ritchie Koolboy: What?
Kenny Fisher: It means I gots a ninety-two percent chance of embarrassing myself. I roll up on that shorty be like, "What's up yo?" she be like, "You don't know 20 different ways to make me call you Big Poppa" cuz I don't yo.
Preston: I don't know about you, but I really believe that there's one person out there, and for me it's gotta be Amanda.
Amanda Becket: Hi, umm... Do you happen to know who Preston Myers is?
Earth Girl: Du'uh. He only sat like, right next to you in freshman english. But I guess you wouldn't remember that. I mean, why would Amanda Beckett pay any attention to a unique spirit like Preston, or even a unique spirit like me? Maybe it's because she's a little busy ordering around her little conformist flock of sheep. SHEEP! You are all sheep. Baah!
Earth Girl: Baah!
William: You... have to come with me. There's this chick... there's these two chicks... they're triplets, man. You're not going to believe what they're doing. Not because I made it up or anything but because it is so... unbelievable. Come on out to the pool house, 'cause they told me to tell you... they want you to watch. So, come out... the pool house, come on...
Mike Dexter: [interrupting him] I'm a loser. I broke up with the hottest girl in school, my friends all sold me out... and somebody in there just called me a fag!
Kenny Fisher: 'Sup, ladies? Yo Jana, wanna dance?
Jana: I'm allergic.
Kenny Fisher: You're allergic to dancing?
Kenny Fisher: [thinking] All right this is it. It is finally time for Kenny Fisher to become... da man. Now I've done my laps, and all ten finalists are present and accounted for. Ten lovely ladies, yo. Each one at my disposal. Ten willing and able tour guides into the theme park of love. But who will it be? Which of you gorgeous ten will be the lucky one?
Angel Stripper: Oh I'm the weird one? You're the one calling Barry Mannilow from a phone booth at 2:00 am!
[drunk for the first time in his life]
William: I can't feel my legs, I HAVE NO LEGS!
Kenny Fisher: [to Denise Fleming] Woman, this is all *your* fault. Come bargin' in here like a friggin' moose.
[makes strange "moose" noises]
Kenny Fisher: [to Denise Fleming] I did not write 'Denise Fleming is a tampon' on your locker.
Mike Dexter: Who's gonna want you now?
Amanda Becket: [Looking at her letter] Somebody.
Mike Dexter: Somebody? More like... nobody!
Amanda Becket: Gosh, Mike. You really got me.
[after being hit on by drunk guys]
Reminiscing Guy: Hey Amanda.
Amanda Becket: Hey.
Reminiscing Guy: Remember that time we danced at the sock hop?
Amanda Becket: Yeah.
Reminiscing Guy: I just wanted you to know I had the hugest boner and I was just wondering if maybe you and I could get together and... work it out.
[Amanda walks away disgusted]
Kenny Fisher: Yo, I'm just pausin' while those two hos over there scratch it out over who gets to knock the boots with me!
[clicks feet together]
Kenny Fisher: Ya know what I'm saying? Yeah!
Ritchie Koolboy: What two ho's?
DJ Sammy: I don't see no ho's yo.
[Kenny and his homeboys start shoving each other around]
Kenny Fisher: Yo, what, you callin' me a liar.
DJ Sammy: Hey, yo why you shovin' cracker?
Ritchie Koolboy: Yo, you better recognize, fool.
[they stop shoving]
Kenny Fisher: Why y'all gotta waste my flava? Damn!
[about high school girlfriends]
TJ: Yeah... they suck... they suck!
Preston: I can't believe you pointed at her!
Denise: Look, she didn't see me! What are you, hyperventilating?
Preston: No, I'm hiransing my chi.
Preston: I'm harnessing my chi.
Preston: Don't laugh at me!
Denise: Were you this weird when we went out?
Preston: Were you this bitchy when we went out?
Denise: Yes, I was a bitchy eighth grader for that whole week, actually!
[after looking in the refrigerator]
Girl Whose Party It Is: That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen! What is wrong with you people?
[During a yearbook signing]
Yearbook Girl: So why didn't you get your picture taken?
Denise: Specifically to avoid moments like this.
Yearbook Girl: [not paying attention] Great, thanks!
[after drinking his first beer and spitting it out]
William: Nobody drink the beer, the beer has gone bad!
Hippie Girl: Dude, these brownies suck!
[the brownie is thrown at Denise]
Hippie Guy: [Licks the brownie off of Denise's face] Don't wanna waste this stuff!
Preston: This is officially the worst night of my entire life. Thank you very much.
Angel: Try having forty drunk men grabbing your ass, one groom to be throwing up all over you and then have your car break down at 2am and then you can talk to me about having a bad night, OK?
Kenny Fisher: You got... you *have* no idea what you're talking about. You don't even know me any more.
Preston: Hey, I've got one for ya. Remember that time when I was about to talk to that beautiful girl, and you came up to me and started telling me all these asinine stories? Remember that, huh?
Reminiscing Guy: No.
Preston: Gee, that's funny. Because it *just happened*!
Reminiscing Guy: [saddened] Hey, I ain't gonna forget this, man! You just wait, I ain't inviting you to any 10-year reunion!
Trip McNeely: [as he approaches a sulking Mike with a six-pack in hand] Hey man, you want a beer?
Mike Dexter: Trip McNeely!
Trip McNeely: Trip McNeely.
Mike Dexter: No way, man!
Trip McNeely: Trip McNeely.
Mike Dexter: Trip McNeely! Geez. You were a sexual icon! You know girls at Huntington still talk about you?
Trip McNeely: Really? Which ones?
Mike Dexter: You must be racking up at college. College!
Trip McNeely: I wish, bro. I can't even get digits as a freshman.
Mike Dexter: Shut up! Come on, you can tell me.
Trip McNeely: Seriously, man. I thought college was gonna be a 24-7 orgy. Hell, that's even why I broke up with Janeen before I left.
Mike Dexter: [after an uneasy pause] S-so, what happened?
Trip McNeely: [sighs] College chicks are totally different, bro. They're all serious and shit. They all talk about world issues and "ecolomological" crap. They all wanna date older guys.
[Tosses an empty beer can aside]
Mike Dexter: Yeah, but... not all of 'em, right?
Trip McNeely: Way it goes. Hell, I even tried crawling back to Janeen. She was all cozy with some senior. He's a pre-med. They ALL are. Guys like us... we are a dime a dozen.
[Belches and then chuckles]
Trip McNeely: Speaking of which, you still with that Amanda chick? She was a prize piece if I ever saw one.
Mike Dexter: [Lying to Trip] Yeah,
Mike Dexter: me and Amanda. Definitely. Yep.
Trip McNeely: You're lucky, bro.
Mike Dexter: I sure am.
Trip McNeely: Stay with her. It's the best advice I can give you.
Trip McNeely: Oh, that, and bring rubber flip-flops in the shower. I got warts all over my feet.
Mike Dexter: [With a discouraged tone] Take it easy, Trip! Trip McNeely! All right...
Amanda Becket: [to Preston] You know what? Why don't you go off and get yourself a goddamn life, asshole?
Keg Guy: [to Preston] Thanks, man. That's the funniest thing I've seen all night.
Kenny Fisher: Those shoes!
Kenny Fisher: Do they serve an orthopedic function?
Mike Dexter: [sits himself between two girls on a chair swing] Have I got some news for you.
Girl Mike Hits On #1: Really? What's that?
Mike Dexter: That I, recently, became single.
Girl Mike Hits On #2: And?
Mike Dexter: Well, I just remember Jeff Garner saying a little something about you girls thinking I was the hottest senior in school.
Girl Mike Hits On #2: Yeah, heh, heh. And, I remember Jeff Garner saying that, uh, you told him we were skanky.
Mike Dexter: [nervously, realizing he's been caught] He told you that?
[Girl #2 nods her head]
Mike Dexter: [shows him now sitting alone on the chair swing] Okay! See you later!
Kenny Fisher: [after he spilled water on his pants] Damn, she's gonna think I got that premature evacuation!
X-Phile 1: [after reenacting a lightsaber duel from The Empire Strikes Back] Hey! Luke doesn't push Vader!
X-Phile 2: Well he should've. I mean, the guy cut his hand off.
X-Phile 1: You know what? My retainer looks like a Klingon warship.
Yearbook Girl: Kenny Fisher, sign my yearbook.
Kenny Fisher: No, thanks. No time.
Yearbook Girl: Come on. Where's your school spirit? Go, Hot Dogs!
DJ Sammy: Bitch, get a life!
Kenny Fisher: I better double bag it. I don't know where that girl been.
William: [Discussing "The Plan" with the X-Philes] Okay, you're Boba Fett, and you're Grand Moff Tarkin.
X-Phile 1: How come he gets to be Boba Fett?
William: Ok, fine, *you're* Boba Fett, and *you're* Grand Moff Tarkin.
X-Phile 2: I don't want to be Grand Moff Tarkin!
William: All right, fine, you know what? You're both KISS dolls!
[the crying drunk girls hears Kenny and Denise in the upstairs bathroom]
Mary, Crying Drunk Girl: Yerd dum shelling yers chair.
[subtitle translation: Did anyone hear that? Someone's yelling for help upstairs!]
[to Amanda who's asking questions about Preston]
Mary, Crying Drunk Girl: Snow stun shy is shy sumber shess sing.
[subtitle translation: I know who Preston Meyers is. I can give you his phone number, his address, anything]
[the crying drunk girl walks up to Preston and Denise up on their arrival at the party]
Mary, Crying Drunk Girl: Thush bezt tea weveram sisu gizem chext ear!
[subtitle translation: This is the best party ever! I'm so gonna miss you guys next year!]
Preston: [watching the drunk girl stumble away] There's one at every party.
Denise: Kind of makes you never want to drink, huh?
[in the back yard during the police raid]
Cop: Miss, for the last time, please stop crying and give me your name and address.
Mary, Crying Drunk Girl: [mumbling] Butolu msahson undsevent norlk.
[subtitle translation: But I already told you! My name is Mary Hampson and I live at 1781 Norfolk!]
Exchange student: Would you like to touch my penis? I am a sex machine! Sex machine.
[the crying drunk girl stumbles over to the exchange student]
Mary, Crying Drunk Girl: Idlke tschyourenis.
[subtitle translation: I'd like to touch your penis!]
Matt, Watermelon Guy: [holds up a watermelon] I filled this with seven bottles of vodka last year! This has been in my freezer since last September...
[everyone grabs at the watermelon and it drops on the floor, splattering into many pieces]
Matt, Watermelon Guy: Nooooooooo!
X-Phile 1: I'm telling you, that patch of sky right up there above those powerlines is like a superhighway for UFO activity.
X-Phile 2: [sighs] Yeah, right. I wonder how William's doing at the party. I just hope he isn't having any trouble blending in.
[cut to a very drunk William, at the center of attention, downing coutless shots of liquor to show off to a crowd]
William: [to himself] Isn't there something I was supposed to do tonight?
Cop: Lichter? William Lichter? Let's go. Your parents are here to take you home.
William: [drunk] Oh... no. Oh... my parents? They're here? They must be so mad at me! Have you seen my father? Does he have a weapon of some kind?
Cop: Afraid not. Actually, they're more worried about you than anything else. You know, it's not your fault that...
[reads from a clipboard in a very sarcastic tone]
Cop: Mike Dexter beat you up and forced you to drink alcohol until you passed out.
Cop: That's the statement we got from the Dexter kid. He made you drink, took your chothes off.
William: He... he said that?
Cop: Unless... if you have another unconvincing side of the story you'd like to tell...
William: No... no, no, no. It's what... yeah. Uh, you know. It's just the funny thing that... he finally came clean, you know? Mike, always picking on me, yeah.
Amanda Becket: Serriously, you guys, I'm over it.
[the three girlfriends stare skeptically at Amanda]
Amanda Becket: What?
Beth, Girlfriend #1: Nothing, sorry. It's just that Mike is the most dope guy in school.
Amanda Becket: Yeah, and school's over.
Cindi, Girlfriend #2: Anyway, who does he think he is? Brad Pitt?
Rachel, Girlfriend #3: Seriously, and you're like Gwyneth.
Beth, Girlfriend #1: Seriously, you know he regrets breaking up with her.
Cindi, Girlfriend #2: You really are Gwyneth, but with bigger boobs.
Tassel Guy: Don't you want to keep your tassel? You know for $5, you can keep your tassel.
Denise: Yeah, then I can press it between my yearbook and my prom corsage.
Reminiscing Guy: Yo, Preston? Preston Meyers? Dude, what's going on? I'm so glad I got a chance to see you! I know you're leaving tomorrow. I'm gonna miss you man, you know?
Preston: It's okay, man. Don't worry about it.
Reminiscing Guy: I was totally remembering that time when we were in 7th grade, and we like mashed up all our food on our lunch trays and you payed me a dollar to eat it, and I did? What was the best!
Preston: [walking away] Yeah, good times.
Reminiscing Guy: Hey, what about that time during softball practice when Ricky Feldman hit that line drive and it hit you right in your nuts? That was the funniest!
Angel Stripper: You know what? This is just like that Scott Baio thing. When I was 16, I had the biggest thing for Scott Baio.
Preston: Listen, you don't have to sit here and go through... Scott Baio?
Angel Stripper: I said I was 16. I mean, this was back in the 'Happy Days' years, you know? Not to mention 'Joanie Loves Chachi'. God... I hated her. Joanie. You see, I always knew that somehow I'd meet him. You know? Like I wanted it bad enough, I could make it happen. And it did. Right after his first season of 'Charles in Charge', he was doing this mall tour, and he came here to our mall in this town. It was like everything was finally falling into place for me, you know? It was like...
Angel Stripper: Yeah. So, I went... you know. And I had this red bandanna. 'Cause you know how Chachi always wore that red bandanna? And I waited there outside. And I was the first person there when he pulled up in his limo to the entrance to the mall. He got out of that car... he was so beautiful. And he looked right at me. But... I didn't know what to do. I mean... I couldn't say anything. I couldn't even move. I never talked to him, and he was right there. I think I still have that red bandanna. But the thing is, you never know. Like, had I had least maybe said something... you never know. But anyway, the point is I totally realized that, you know? Fate. There is fate. But it only takes you so far, because once you're there, it's up to you to make it happen.
Preston: You are so definitely right.
Angel Stripper: Yeah. So look, don't make the same mistake I did, okay? Because if you really want to be with him, then you get back on that phone and you call Barry Manilow, and you tell him how you feel.
Preston: No... no. I don't want him. I just...
Angel Stripper: [walks off] It's okay. Look at me... Scott Baio. We all have our things.
Yearbook Girl: Amanda, you still didn't sign my yearbook!
[Amanda flips the pages past hers and sees Preston's picture realizing she just flipped out on him]
Yearbook Girl: Actually, I'm trying to get everyone to sign by their own picture!
Amanda Becket: Oh shit!
[Throws the yearbook down. Cut to Preston driving home looking sad]
X-Phile 1: [Leaving William's basement] Do you think there will be any girls there?
X-Phile 2: [Looks at him with an annoyed look as he carries the ladder] Are you kidding me? People may be even having sex tonight!
Kenny Fisher: [Sitting on the sink] It's been on your mind the last six years, you could have mentioned something.
Denise: [Looks at him angrily] When? When you were ignoring me in the halls, when you were writing Denise Flemming is a tampon on my locker Freshman year!
Kenny Fisher: [Tries to worm his way out of it clearly embarrassed] I did not write Denise Flemming is a tampon.
Denise: Right, just like you didn't destroy my Cabbage Patch Kid in second grade.
Kenny Fisher: [Gives a shocked look that she remembered that] Second grade, besides I admitted that right away.
Denise: No you didn't! When I picked her up her head fell off and you started to cry. It kind of tipped me off.
Kenny Fisher: [Makes a face] I did not cry!
Denise: [Snorts] Ok.
Kenny Fisher: [Finally fesses up he that set someone else up to do the writing] Fine! I told John Kiseman to write Denise Flemming's a tampon. I felt really bad after.