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(TV Series)

(1988)

Quotes

Michelle Castle: Excuse me? What time does Mr. James usually come in?

Secretary #2: Mr. James never comes in. And when he finds out YOU'RE here... he'll probably fire you.

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Serendip CEO Howard Millhouse: I won't pay it! I'll cut off my hand first! I'll cut off my arm! One thousand, eight hundred and seventy-five dollars for water? What's he doing in there, recreating the flood? I've had it! You go tell him he's pays this one himself or I am yanking his funds! I am sick and tired of financing the intergalactic daydreams of a president who refuses to spend even one lousy MINUTE managing his own organization!

[notices Mickey Castle's arm in a cast]

Serendip CEO Howard Millhouse: Your arm's broken.

Michelle Castle: Oh, it's nothing, really! Just a dumb accident!

Serendip CEO Howard Millhouse: So what are you waiting for? Go!

[Mickey crashes into something while leaving and starts to clean it up]

Serendip CEO Howard Millhouse: Forget that, go! And don't let him fire you! AND... don't come back without a check or I'LL fire you!

Michelle Castle: [Mickey starts to leave, then stops] Pardon me? Where am I supposed to be going? Where do I find him?

Serendip CEO Howard Millhouse: Where else? The Bat-Cave!

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Austin James: [a monitor plays a video recording when Mickey tries to gain entry to Austin James' warehouse] There once was a poet named Gunderson, whose rhymes were exceedingly cumbersome. With each botched refrain, his complaint was the same, Blah, blah... blah, blah... blah, blah, blah! You have ten seconds to give me the last line to get in. Otherwise, go away.

Michelle Castle: [frustrated] How do I get into these situations?

[to her surprise, the door opens]

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Austin James: [wandering through Austin's warehouse, Mickey discovers Austin sleeping nude in an enclosed cabinet and screams] How did you get in here?

Michelle Castle: Me? I... uh, I finished the limerick at the door...

Austin James: That's impossible! Nobody can finish it. It's too idiosyncratic. It doesn't even rhyme! I made it to keep people out!

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Austin James: Why did you leave your last job?

Michelle Castle: Excuse me?

Austin James: Quick, answer the question!

Michelle Castle: Well...

Austin James: Don't tell me. Tell the plant!

[Mickey hesitates, feeling foolish]

Austin James: Go on.

Michelle Castle: [to the plant] I needed something more challenging.

[monitor flashes red and beeps harshly]

Austin James: Lie.

Michelle Castle: There... there was no room for advancement!

[monitor flashes red and beeps again]

Austin James: Lie.

Michelle Castle: All right! My boss thought I could do my job better naked!

[monitor glows green and emits a soft tone]

Michelle Castle: How did it do that? Know I was lying?

Austin James: It didn't. It's just a dumb plant. Every time you said something...

[holds up a control and presses a button, making the monitor buzz]

Austin James: I goosed the current. Obviously you don't know a thing about science. And I'm not paying the water bill. It's wrong, I didn't use that much water. And you're fired. No offense. I just don't want a secretary. It's Howard's idea. I HATE Serendip.

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Austin James: [after being told an eccentric millionaire who likes to swim in near freezing water is found dead from exposure] So the perfect candidate for freezing to death, freezes to death on the perfect night for it. What's the mystery?

Miles Smanovitch: I took her temperature the first thing when I got here. It was four degrees below last night's low. Now you tell me how a body can be colder than its environment.

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Michelle Castle: Mr. James, I need this job. Very badly. And I'm not going to let you or anybody else fire me. There's an old saying where I come from: "Finish the limerick at the door and you get in free?" That means you CAN'T fire me. You can't because... because I did something you said was impossible. And that makes me somebody special.

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Austin James: C'mere. C'mere! Look at it!

[tosses a charred skull to Mickey, who gasps in horror]

Austin James: That's all that's left of Donald Statheim, an aviator, crashed 1921 while circumnavigating Hudson Bay. Note the object imbedded in the left posterior fontanel. FONTANEL. It's the point of an icepick. Statheim didn't die in the plane crash; he died a minute beforehand when someone drove that into his brain. But who did it? And how? Those who saw Statheim leave on his last flight, they insist he was alone. And if the murderer was aboard the plane, how was he able to survive the crash, and then trek out of the wilderness? Nobody knows.

[grabs skull]

Austin James: I'm going to solve it! Motive, method, murder! And I'm going to do it using nothing but this skull.

Michelle Castle: You're crazy! That's impossible!

Austin James: Look at it! The answer's got to be there; some infinitesimal bit of minutiae is just screaming it. And all I need to find it is the power of observation.

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Austin James: Let's go!

Michelle Castle: Go? Who, me? You-you mean I'm not fired?

Austin James: No, you were right about the door limerick. Even if it was just dumb luck, you got in. I'm obligated.

Michelle Castle: N-no, I don't think I want this job. You were right, I'm not qualified. I... I don't know a thing about science.

Austin James: [grabs a notebook and hands it to Mickey] Write down everything I say, and everything anybody says to me.

Michelle Castle: But I've got a broken arm!

Austin James: I'm about to take you on the greatest adventure of your life. You'll probably never even thank me for it. Let's go.

[walks away]

Michelle Castle: Okay. Okay, I'm coming!

Austin James: [to himself, out of earshot] It doesn't work out, I can always change the limerick.

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Michelle Castle: Mr. James, I've been working for you for less than an hour, and already I've seen a dead body, and a hotel room that's blown to bits. I don't think I want to go any further with this employment.

Austin James: Why was Mrs. Stevens' body four degrees colder than its environment?

Michelle Castle: How should I know?

Austin James: It's a physical impossibility, which means she didn't get that way by herself; somebody helped.

Michelle Castle: Are you saying she was MURDERED?

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Miles Smanovitch: Name's Smilanich, County Medical Examiner. How'd you break the wing?

Michelle Castle: Dumb accident. Michelle Castle, secretary.

Miles Smanovitch: Hi!

[turns to Austin]

Miles Smanovitch: Since when do you have enough common sociability to relate to a secretary?

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Austin James: [Austin is taking a nap in his sensory deprivation chamber. Mickey picks up a T-square and looks around apprehensively] What are you doing with my T-square?

Michelle Castle: [referring to Austin's pet spider] I-I'm not letting Steve creep up on me.

Austin James: [opens door of his chamber to look at Mickey] No, you don't! Nothing in this room gets hurt because of a human being.

Michelle Castle: [puts down T-square] I'll just poke at him.

Austin James: Nobody gets poisoned, trapped or "poked". Not even the rats.

[closes chamber door]

Michelle Castle: You've got RATS?

[picks up T-square again]

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Michelle Castle: You - you're not on drugs or anything, are ya?

Austin James: No, I have fragmented REM cycles. I'm slightly schizophrenic.

Michelle Castle: Is that why you sleep in a tool cabinet?

Austin James: Sensory deprivation tank; helps me dream.

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Austin James: [holds up a whirring toy robot] Look at this. It can climb up your arm and whistle 'The Anvil Chorus' out of its chest. I could have invented it.

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Michelle Castle: Mr. James, I don't think I like you. In fact, I don't think I like anybody I've met today. Here's your bill. And when the water company shuts off your water, I hope your lie detecting plant withers up and dies a slow death. I quit.

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Austin James: [sees large spider on the refrigerator near Mickey] Don't move.

Michelle Castle: [turning, sees the large spider, gasps and moves quickly away] My God in Heaven, what is that?

Austin James: [walks over to the refrigerator] Steve.

Michelle Castle: You say that like it's some kind of pet.

Austin James: [stroking Steve lightly] No pet; a distinguished resident. I mutated Steve's great-grandmother with gamma rays and let her loose in the basement. This species exists on only one place on Earth: this building.

Michelle Castle: What the hell kinda place is this?

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Austin James: Why do men blink three times every ten seconds, and women only twice? What part of the brain is the soul located? What was the blood clotting mechanism of a tyrannosaurus? Nobody knows. But the answers are here, in this room, and I'm going to find 'em. THAT'S what this place is! It's the universe! It's everything!

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Hotel Manager: [Austin and Mickey are investigating a burned-out hotel room when the hotel manager comes in] You a lawyer? There was no malfunction in this building. That was his fault!

Austin James: What do you mean, a malfunction?

Hotel Manager: Well, he's messin' around with a buncha wires and gadgets and stuff, and all of a sudden, the whole place just starts goin' crazy! Yeah, telephone, the lights, radio! Everything starts whirrin' around like - like in a kid's cartoon! Then the television set blow up. And then the stove blows up. Then the whole place starts on fire, and he goes runnin' out... he gets smacked dead by a truck. Now, look, somebody's gotta pay for this, you know, and it's gonna be me. So what if a building inspector come by and says this place is clean? They're gonna shut me down.

Austin James: You mind if I take a look around?

Hotel Manager: Mister, I want you outta here, right now.

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Radio evangelist: [the radio has turned on by itself, first blaring loud music, then switches to an evangelist program] And let God give you the keys to that eternal kingdom! I see those good people in Heaven. No hate, no war, no hunger, no jealousy, no envy. I say to you, open up -

[radio turns itself off]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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